Blackness Takes Over & Blackness Awaits

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  “I’ll let you get back to your family now. I just wanted to make my position known. From what I can tell you’re the alpha of that pack.” He stops and waits for my response. I’m a little floored by his honesty, but I recover quickly. Damn straight I’m the alpha, although Kellerman is the alpha of Kid’s pack now. Scratch that, Kid’s the alpha of our pack and lets us pretend to be the alphas of the pack.

  “I appreciate you tellin’ me that. I don’t know if it makes a difference, but I appreciate it. She’s my best friend. She’s my sister. I almost lost her and you had a hand in that. It’ll take me and the rest of us a while to get all this shit straight. Kid wants you around, I think you get that we don’t get much say in that. She runs shit around here. That said, we think you’re hurtin’ her or makin’ shit worse for her we’ll cut you up and ship you to yours in pieces so she doesn’t have to worry about you anymore,” I warn in a blank tone. A ghost of a smile creeps across his face.

  “We get all this sorted out. You and I are gonna get along just fine,” he snorts as he walks out the doors.

  Kellerman

  We had an awesome day shopping (yeah I know). We’re all pretty comfortable spending money in general, but spending it on Kid, that’s a treat. The guys bought her everything she loves from Chicago. I could see the ghosts of crazy teenagers in them while we were out. Shopping was good therapy for the guys. I promise I’m not turning into a chick. I found the perfect Christmas present. No lie…it’s perfection. I was riding on the high of our day until I saw Cooper in Kid’s room holding her hand gazing at her softly. Yeah, happy mood is gone.

  I’m sitting silently holding Kid’s hand, while Cal, O’Sullivan and Finn talk her ear off. Kav left to talk to that prick, Cooper. I hope Kav puts his head through a goddamn wall. I wouldn’t call myself a violent person normally, but lately I feel like I’m in a constant roid rage. So I sit silently, maintaining calm on the surface, while fierce fury boils within me.

  “Kavy?” Kid calls as he enters the room. She’s worried that my silent wish came true.

  “All good, Kid,” he assures her. Moving into the room further. “Don’t know what you want us to do with him. Need some guidance.”

  “I know. Why don’t you bring everyone in and we can talk?” He nods and exits the room, returning with the rest of the family. Once everyone has taken seats or leaned against walls Kid starts.

  “You all know Nicky was a boy I only met once, but that one time was pretty important to my life. That was a long time ago and I’m a different person now. I love you all. You’re my family and you know how much that means to me. My life wouldn’t be what it is without each and every one of you. Nicky’s the only thing left from my life before you guys. You all know me and love me, but you only know the new me, the damaged me. He knows the innocent me that was her daddy’s princess. Having him around reminds me of that girl that’s gone. He reminds me of my father, brings back memories I thought were gone.

  “I’m not kiddin’ myself. I know the road that lies in front of me. I have a lot of healing to do. I know what this journey looks like and I know I won’t be alone. I think havin’ Nicky around could help me. Yes, he was around for the trauma, but he wasn’t part of it for me. He kept me safe and alive and…” she stops and takes a shuttering breath. We all wait in anticipation of what she needs to say.

  “The soldier,” she says looking at Sully Sr. who nods in recognition. “Nicky intervened before he assaulted me…sexually.”

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I’m screeching on the insides, but I don’t utter a sound. Kid keeps her eyes trained on Kav so I do the same. He’s shaking from head to toe staring at Kid, silently pleading for her to take those words back. I know there are other reactions going on based on the weight of the tension in the room, but my eyes are trained on Kid and Kav. Kav stands quickly and makes his way into the bathroom. I know his plan. Kid’s hands are shaking. I look at her, but she keeps her gaze trained on the closed bathroom door. It’s my turn to step up. I give her hand a squeeze and make my way to the bathroom. O’Sullivan just threw a chair so the room is distracted trying to rein him in. I push the door open and find Kav on all fours, puking his guts out. I make my way over to him, handing him a towel.

  “Thanks,” he mutters shakily. I sit on the floor and lean against the wall of destruction while he gets himself together. He flops down on his ass next to me and we sit in silence. The room behind us is not silent. People are sobbing, yelling, cussing and just about every other manageable thing you can think of. Kav and I are silent. Are there words for this situation? They did a rape kit on Kid when she got here. That was not a piece of information I wanted, but Aidan gave it. He said she wasn’t raped. What did Cooper intervene on?

  “It’s my fault,” Kav whispers. “If I woulda stopped and thought for two fuckin’ seconds instead of listenin’ to Taylor they wouldn’t have gotten her.” The anguish in his voice makes my insides curl.

  “It’s not your fault,” I whisper back. “It’s mine. I fucked up in Seattle. I fucked up the day they grabbed her tryin’ to force a conversation she didn’t wanna have. I fucked up not removin’ Taylor when I knew he wanted her. This is on me.” He doesn’t respond and I don’t say anything else. I’m right and he knows it.

  “I haven’t felt this for thirteen years. This pain in my body that penetrates every cell,” Kav says softly. We’re both staring at the wall in front of us, not chancing a look at the other. “It’s not your fault, Kellerman and it’s not mine. It’s Grady and Mancini that are responsible.” I nod not knowing if I believe him, but agreeing those two motherfuckers set this in motion.

  We sit in silence a long while before Kav lets out a brief chuckle.

  “This bathroom is fucked up,” Kav comments motioning at my wall of destruction.

  “You ever need any help remodeling you know who to call,” I joke.

  We stand up and make our way to the door. Kav pauses so I open the bathroom door and all eyes are fixed on us. Apparently, they were waiting for us. I step back and let Kav go ahead of me. Kid is scanning his body with her eyes for any damage he may have caused himself. She looks relieved not to find any.

  Kav walks straight to her climbing over the foot of her bed. He smashes his body into the tiny space next to her (he’s mostly on top of her) engulfing her roughly in his arms while smashing his face into her neck. She doesn’t even wince at the pain, just wraps her arms around him closing her eyes. I watch them for a moment before I scan the room.

  Most of the eyes in the room are red and swollen, watching Kid and Kav intently. There are a few smashed chairs lying in the corner. O’Sullivan, Cal, Finn and Aidan are sitting on the floor against the wall heads hung low to their chests. Maggie is curled in Sully Sr.’s lap sucking in shuttering breaths. Mary and Doc are next to them in the same position. Collin and Hugh are a shade of green sitting in chairs near her bedside. I’m guessing they’ll be puking soon. Ryan and Adam are leaning against the window behind my usual chair, their shoulders smashed together tightly for support. Pop’s in my chair with his hand on Kav’s back his head hanging in his other hand. They feel her pain. I feel her pain.

  I don’t know what to do with myself so I just stand in front of the bathroom and wait. Kid’s face is soft and peaceful with Kav wrapped around her. He gives her that peace. I should be jealous that it’s not me, but I’m not. She finds comfort in his arms in crisis and has since the first day they met. I want her to have peace and comfort no matter where it comes from. I think she’s fallen asleep now. Her breathing is even, so is Kav’s…sleeping together like they always have. I clear my throat quietly.

  “We should let them sleep,” I whisper to the room. There are quiet rumblings of agreement as everyone moves from their spots of anguish toward the door. I pause for a moment and look upon her sleeping face. I love her. I’ll protect her from now on, at any cost.

  Kavanagh

  My body is stiff like a log. I must have fallen asleep. I groan and
move to push myself up realizing my arms are wrapped around a small warm body. Kid. Oh God, Kid.

  “Hey,” she whispers running her hand over my buzzed hair.

  “Hey,” I murmur into her chest. I must be crushing her and she’s already in enough pain without my heavy ass sleeping on top of her. I languidly push myself off of her allowing her breathing and wiggling room. She slides over indicating she wants me to fit into the place next to her. I’ve seen Kellerman do this so I know it’s possible, but looking at it I’m not sure how. I smash myself in the sliver of space and Kid wiggles into my side laying her head on my chest. We lay together silently comforted by the warmth of each other’s bodies.

  “I never feel safer than when I’m in your arms, Kavy,” she admits quietly. I squeeze her and smooth her messy auburn hair away from her perfect face.

  “Think Kellerman might take offense to that,” I say softly in a joking tone.

  “Your arms are the first place I felt safe. You’ll always be that for me, even though Kel offers me safety and comfort now. You’ll always be my first,” she explains looking up at me with those bright green eyes oozing love.

  “You know next to you is the only place I’m at peace,” I reply. I never sleep as peacefully as I do when she’s next to me. She can be in her spot on our couch not even touching me and her presence brings me a calm I’ve never found in anyone else.

  “I love you,” she murmurs her voice full of emotion that she won’t let spill.

  “I love you, Kid,” I respond with the same choked sentiment.

  “I wasn’t plannin’ on talkin’ about the soldier. I haven’t begun to deal with any of that, but I wanted you guys to know that Nicky saved me. Something far worse was gonna happen to me than did because he stepped in.”

  “First, you can tell me anything and everything about whatever you want. It’s not your job to shield me from stuff. I can take it. Yeah, it killed hearin’ what you said but that’s because I love you so fuckin’ much the idea of you bein’ hurt like that causes unbearable pain. But the idea that you would carry that yourself kills me, Kid. Never do that. Second, I’m glad that he saved you. Glad doesn’t begin to describe. I still blame him for you almost dyin’. I get that you have history with him and went through some crazy ass shit with him. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. If you need me to be cool with him, I’ll give you two the space for that. I just can’t promise he’ll be any part of my life.”

  “I’m strugglin’ too, Kavy. I’m smart enough to understand that Mancini and Governor Grady were willin’ to do anything to get me. What happened to me was horrible but nothin’ I can’t heal from. I’d be dead, Kavy. These people were willin’ to kill me to get the information they wanted. Nicky made sure that didn’t happen. Taylor was a wildcard nobody expected.”

  “They did a rape kit on you when you were stabilized. It came back clean. You wanna tell me what happened?” I ask tentatively knowing I have to keep my shit fully in check for her response.

  “He got his dick near my face, enough for me to feel violated not enough for me to feel sorry for myself. Women out there get a hundred times worse than what he gave me. I’m lucky,” she explains quietly not looking at my face.

  “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Only you would have something truly horrific happen to you and be thinkin’ you’re lucky,” I say pulling her chin up to look at me. “You want me to call Doctor Schrader? It’d be good for you to start talkin’ about this.” Dr. Schrader is Kid’s therapist from when Liam attacked her. The woman is a Godsend. She pulled Kid out of the blackness that took her over back then; maybe she can stop it from even coming this time.

  “I think that’s a good idea. I don’t think I can give the family the details I just gave you. They’re gonna wanna know though. Can you tell them? I know that’s a lot to ask—” I cut her off.

  “It’s nothin’ to ask. I’ll do it. Don’t worry about us. We’ve got you.” She nods and settles deeper into my chest. I could stay here all night, but I’m guessing our family is freaking out and needs to see us. Just as I’m about to get up Kid’s door opens.

  “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt. I just wanted to check on you guys,” Kellerman says softly. I can tell by the look of concern on his face he’s telling the truth. What man in the world would have his girlfriend sleeping in the arms of another man and not show one speck of concern or jealousy? Kellerman. He gets us and lets all of us be who we are with Kid. I don’t know how he does it but he does and that’s the reason he’s made for Kid. She needs a man that gets us and doesn’t care, not only doesn’t care but is happy to be a part of us. I almost killed him a few days ago. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking then, but I was wrong. He loves her like she deserves to be loved and I’ll kill myself trying to make things right between him and me.

  “We’re good, man,” I say rolling away from Kid. “Didn’t even realize we fell asleep until I woke up. We needed that.”

  “I knew you guys needed it so I cleared the room out. That was about two hours ago though, so I thought I should check on you,” he explains looking beyond me at Kid. My back is to her now so I don’t know what her reaction is, but Kellerman doesn’t look happy.

  “Let’s step out for a second. I need to talk to everyone,” I say moving to the door. Kellerman pauses looking at his feet and then turns on his heel to leave. Once he’s gone from the room I look back at Kid and she’s silently gazing out the window.

  “Be right back, Kid,” I tell her. She nods but doesn’t look at me.

  Shannon

  I couldn’t look at him, at Kel. When I went to a survivors group after Liam, women talked about this. I never experienced it because I was single then. I’m not single now and this is different. I’m terrified he won’t want me now or if he does he’ll look at me like I’m broken. FUCK! I need to talk to Dr. Schrader and fast. I grab the hospital phone and dial her old cell number. I hope she hasn’t changed it.

  “This is Doctor Schrader,” she answers promptly.

  “Doctor Schrader this is Shannon Kelly,” I say softly. I haven’t talked to her in years but we kept in touch long after I stopped therapy.

  “Shannon, how are you?” she asks with the appropriate amount of concern. I’ve been informed that some version of what happened to me is in the media so I’m sure she knows.

  “Not great,” I answer honestly. “I could really use a session with you.”

  “I’d be happy to see you, only I’m out of town for the holidays.”

  “I completely forgot,” I say sheepishly. “Why don’t we set something up after the holiday?”

  “No, that’s not necessary. I can’t meet in person but we can talk now if you’d like just to get the ball rolling until I’m back in Chicago.”

  “That would be great if you have the time.”

  “I’ve got plenty. Tell me why you called.”

  “Hold on just a second. I need to do something quick,” I say reaching for the nurse call button.

  “Sure.”

  I press the button and wait until Sheryl answers. I ask her to keep my family out until I tell her it’s okay to let them in. She, of course, agrees.

  “Okay, I’m back now.”

  “It’s good to hear your voice, Shannon. Tell me why you called tonight.”

  I launch into my story. Every single bit of it.

  Kellerman

  She’s closing me out, wouldn’t even look at me. I can only imagine what this is like for her so I’ll be patient and understanding. I need to be those things for her, even if it pains me. Kav’s explanation about what happened to Kid was…I don’t have words. Agony in every cell of my being about wraps that up. We’re entirely silent as a group. No one knows what to say or do. We just sit and let the reality of what Kid’s dealing with sink in. I know it could be worse and now I’m thankful for that prick Cooper, but the idea of what was going to happen to her is excruciating.

  We’re all sitting out here beca
use Kid asked the nurse for some privacy. I can see she’s on the phone but that’s about it. So we all sit here until we can go sit in there with her I suppose.

  “Hello Chicago,” rings merrily from Karl’s voice down the hall. Just the sound of his voice brings a slight grin to my lips. He’s a good development. He’s been working his ass off while Kid’s been here. Managing her case load between the two of them is one thing, but him on his own…I don’t know how he’s done it. “By the looks on your faces something has happened so fill me in so I can look like shit too.”

  Kav fills Karl in and he looks like shit for about two minutes.

  “All right people. I know this is horrible. Everything that we now know is horrific, but she went through it not us. She needs us to be strong so she can heal. Button up your emotions and give her the strength she needs. No more sad pained faces. You need to cry, freak out, punch something or whatever else…you do it on your own away from her. And her bathroom doesn’t count as away from her,” he says pointedly glaring at me. “If she’s worryin’ about us and how we feel, she’ll never deal with this the way she needs to. Think about her before you think about you.”

  “You’re our Christmas gift,” Maggie says pulling him in for a full on mouth kiss. He indulges her, dipping her low before releasing her back to her husband.

  “If you’re all gonna welcome me like that, I’ll need measured breaks,” Karl snarks. We all chuckle and life seems to fill a little bit of the black hole that we’re living in.

  “Mr. Kellerman?” I hear Sheryl call from the nurse’s station.

  “Yes,” I respond wondering why she’s calling my name. I approach her with an eyebrow raised.

  “Shannon would like to see you alone. Don’t test me,” she warns the rest of the group thinking about trying to join me. Sheryl is kind of scary. I nod and quickly make my way into Kid’s room. I shut the door and pull the privacy curtain around her bed. If she wants me alone she gets me alone.