Chronicles of an Extraordinary Ordinary Life

by Aurélie Venem

  “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” I asked.

  “Learning about our method of consuming put you in a better disposition toward your work. I did not want to spoil that by telling you that the Great Change only applies in . . .”

  He was looking for the right words. I facilitated the effort.

  “In rich countries! But that’s outrageous!”

  He went ballistic.

  “You see everything in black and white! It is not that simple! You will not find blood banks and hospitals on every street corner in the world! Why do you think that our laws are so strict about transforming humans? We must control our number. Furthermore, to impose the Great Change suddenly in every country in the world would mean war, guaranteed! The choice is simple. If a vampire does not want to obey the laws, he simply does not go to the countries where it applies.”

  Phoenix’s logic was firm and unavoidable, but I wasn’t satisfied yet.

  “So what is this Thirsty Bill still doing here?”

  “I told you that vampires like power and money. Some sacrifice their taste for murder to enjoy a life of luxury in a country that has the means. Others cannot manage that, and they exile themselves, generally to a war-torn country. Unfortunately, in the world right now, those are not too difficult to find.”

  “Humph. A strip club. You call that living in luxury?”

  “I told you Bill is stupid . . . Unfortunately he is an idiot who has connections, and he is a bit of a pig too.”

  I didn’t respond. And to think that a few weeks ago my biggest preoccupation was to keep myself as far as possible from Cruella Angermann, and now I was sitting in the passenger seat of a race car, talking to a five-hundred-year-old vampire about the way he and his fellow creatures preferred to drink human blood. I liked science fiction well enough, but I’d never dreamed that my life would resemble the films or books I bought. I turned my head to the passenger-side window and watched the landscape fly by, lost in my head.

  “Samantha, what are you thinking about?”

  “I was wondering if one day you’ll trust me,” I sighed.

  He looked at me briefly, then turned his attention back to the road . . . without a word.

  I chuckled a bit. “You see, I’m starting to know you. I’m not stupid enough to ask what you’re thinking about right now.”

  I turned my attention again to the world outside.

  “Wake up, Samantha!”

  I felt a hand press my shoulder gently. I opened my eyes. We were arriving in Kerington.

  “You nodded off.”

  In fact, I was having trouble waking up even though I hadn’t felt tired before. All it took was a bit of warmth and music to put me to sleep. Except that it didn’t agree with me at all.

  “Uh, I don’t feel well.”

  I thought I might throw up.

  “You’re joking!” This was the first time I’d ever seen him worried. “I forbid you from vomiting in my car.”

  OK, he wasn’t worried about me. I shot a dark look at him and then said, “Your concern is touching. Don’t worry, I’ll grit my teeth so as not to stain your pretty seats.”

  “Vulgarity does not suit you. Open the window and take a deep breath. It will clear your head.”

  He had barely finished his sentence when he opened my window for me. The cold wind rushed into the passenger side. It was a real boon. Forgetting all sense of elegance, I did what dogs do, putting my head out the window and enjoying the fresh air (fortunately, I didn’t start barking). The nausea subsided and I sat back in my seat, facing a very grouchy Phoenix.

  “You look like a ghost now. Why did you do that?” he reproached me.

  Oh, he really could be a killjoy. He needed to relax. I made a face at him.

  “What . . . what are you doing?” he said, startled, looking at me.

  Instead of answering, I made things worse. I managed to touch the tip of my nose with my tongue, something only a few people could do (I was proud of that), and as a bonus, I ran my fingers through my hair to highlight the effect.

  “Booooo!”

  It worked. Phoenix looked at me like I’d lost my mind, and he must have been wondering if he would have to leave me at the closest psychiatric facility. I put an end to his torture, resuming a normal manner to explain my behavior.

  “I’m showing you what being a ghost is like! You need to relax.”

  I knew after my third funny face that I had won, because he ended up setting free the laugh that he was trying to keep in. I’d finally succeeding in loosening him up, and this time on purpose. I’d have to mark this event on a calendar to remember it.

  “You see how it can be good from time to time to not take yourself so seriously?”

  He was still smiling when he announced that we’d arrived.

  I turned my attention to our surroundings.

  We were in lower Kerington. The eastern suburbs were known for bar brawls, illegal drugs, and confrontations with the police. There were prostitutes on every street corner, some negotiating their prices with potential clients. I pitied these women, pushed into that trade by life’s vicissitudes.

  My chauffeur turned a corner and parked in front of a strip club called Sexy Thong Show. A bit farther down the street, a group of young people with leather jackets and gleaming motorcycles were having a discussion so heated that it convinced passersby to hastily cross to the other side. We got out of the car.

  “You don’t think coming here in a luxury car is going to cause problems?” I said to Phoenix, indicating the aspiring bikers with my chin.

  “On the contrary. In this neighborhood, those who get around in cars like this are usually big shots in the mafia. Minor bosses of this type are not senseless enough to try and steal from them. I will go around the back to enter discreetly. Wait here. When I call you, come in through the front and join me.”

  I nodded. I was ready.

  “And them? What do I do if they come over to bug me?”

  I’d already messed up two creeps, but I didn’t see how I could manage against fifteen thugs.

  Phoenix smiled. “Surprise me,” he said, and then left.

  I crossed my fingers that everything would be fine and got back into the car. After all, he hadn’t told me to freeze outside while waiting for his call. A few minutes passed, and I wondered if my boss had gotten his hands on Thirsty Bill.

  Then the thing I was dreading happened. One of the bikers turned and must have seen the car, and maybe even me in it. The others wasted no time doing the same, and together they moved in my direction in a concert of whistles and “Damn, look at those wheels!”

  When they circled round the car to inspect it from every angle, I felt my legs begin to tremble. But panic was out of the question. I had a mission to complete, and in order to get those guys to leave me alone and to believe that I was truly working for a big mafia boss, I had to make an impression. I plucked up my courage and opened the car door.

  When I stepped out, in elegant clothes and looking like the assistant to a rich dealer, the whistling increased.

  I took on the haughtiest attitude I could muster and stared at each man, trying to see which one was the leader. I didn’t need to look for long: he came forward on his own. With an attitude of infinite superiority, he ran his hand through his blond, curly hair and crossed his arms across his chest. He didn’t look older than twenty-five.

  “Hey, honey, your john shouldn’t have left you here all alone. Want some company?”

  Men obviously only have the one thing to say when they see a woman by herself. It was in these moments that jokes about where men’s brains are located start to make sense.

  “It seems my boss has overestimated you. He said even the simplest street thugs know the fate in store for them if they touch or scrape his car. But if you all want to find yourselves buried in the concrete foundation of the next building under construction in Kerington, you’re welcome to continue enjoying yourselves.”

  I moved as
ide, indicating the car.

  My little tirade seemed to perturb them. Without a doubt, they knew that the mafiosi use rather sophisticated, and slow, killing techniques. But the leader pulled himself together.

  “Don’t you worry, we’re not gonna touch the car. But you, how about you come have a dance with me? I’m sure your boss won’t see anything wrong with that.”

  He looked to his friends for masculine support.

  “Ha!”

  “Yeah, show her!”

  I sighed with exasperation, which surprised the leader.

  “Listen, I’m working right now, and I don’t have time to play around with you. Now, I see that you’re not going to leave me alone until you’ve gotten your daily dose of adrenaline, so I have a deal to propose.”

  “And what do you propose, doll face?”

  “The first to make the other bite the dust wins. You win, you get a dance. I win, you leave me alone and you go back over to your corner and you keep an eye on the car in case another pack of imbeciles decides to come close. Oh, and I forgot—if I win, your friends will also honor our deal and you will use more polite language when addressing me.”

  He stared at me, mouth hanging open. He must not have expected that a well-dressed woman would propose a fistfight.

  “This is the first time a girl has ever asked me to knock her around. If you want a spanking, I’m your man. And after, I’ll make you dance like never before,” he said, laughing, sure of his victory.

  “We’ll see about that. Ready?”

  “Oh yeah! Come closer!”

  I approached, closing the distance between us. Phoenix had taught me that it was best to be quick to prevent your opponent from anticipating and dodging your attack.

  So without giving him any time to prepare, I grabbed his wrist and pulled. Surprised, he lost his balance, and I took advantage of it by twisting his arm against his back while making him pivot around. One kick behind the knees and he collapsed facedown on the ground.

  Before he could get up, I drew my silver knife from my coat. I placed my knee against his back to keep him from moving, pulled his head back by his hair with one hand, and pressed my knife against his throat with the other.

  The others looked like they were going to come help their leader, but I pressed the knife even harder against his skin while looking at the men surrounding me. I shouted, “A deal is a deal! Your gang doesn’t have any honor?”

  They didn’t move away. That was complicating things, but then he said, “Get back! A deal is a deal.”

  He said that with difficulty, given his precarious position, but with enough force and authority to have an effect.

  I waited for his goons to back off, then I slowly withdrew my knife and stood up, letting my opponent do the same.

  When he was upright, he massaged his throat, staring all the while. I held his gaze, hoping he would keep his word.

  “Daaamn, I did not see that coming.”

  “That was the point,” I responded. “And now?”

  He said nothing, but then offered me a sincere smile.

  “Now we go and we leave you alone. We can be rather indelicate, miss, but our gang knows what honor is.”

  The others made noises of approval, nodding and saying, “Yeah, that’s true.”

  He held out a hand.

  “Don’t worry about your car. We’ll look after it. And if you and your boss ever need help in your work, keep Bobby the Eel and his Dark Angels in mind. We’re always around.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  We shook hands, and he rejoined his group. I finally allowed myself to breathe. During that entire exchange, I had kept my legs from turning to jelly and my bladder from relieving itself in fear. What a relief that it was over.

  Then my phone rang. I picked up, and without preamble, Phoenix said, “I’m waiting for you.”

  “I’m coming.”

  Better not make Phoenix wait. There had been muffled noises in the background. Thirsty Bill must not have been very cooperative.

  I hurried to the club door, where the bouncer wanted to stop me. I must not look like the regular clientele. But I didn’t have time to chat.

  When the bouncer found himself on the ground after getting a well-placed kick to the knee, I heard admiring whistles from the sidewalk across the street where I had left my hoodlums. He must have refused entry to them as well, so this was a kind of revenge for them. For their further viewing pleasure, I turned back to my fans and made a deep bow before entering the establishment, escorted inside by their hollering.

  Once inside, I stopped to get my bearings. The light was dim; the tables were close to each other; the stage where the girls danced was forlornly empty, and there wasn’t a single patron. I saw a staircase at the back of the room. I headed that way.

  As I walked up the steps, I took out my gun, which was loaded with silver bullets, and slid it into my pocket so I could reach it easily. I figured I was going in the right direction when a dancer ran down the stairs, afraid and bare breasted. There were sounds of a fight coming from above, and I sped up.

  As soon as I arrived, I saw Phoenix being thrown to the other side of the room by a fat, bald, tattooed brute who came at me, but taking me for a simple human, he didn’t hurry. I didn’t wait for Thirsty Bill: I took out my gun and aimed.

  “These are silver bullets, and even with your super speed, you can’t dodge them. So I advise you to stay where you are.”

  Surprised, he stared at me like a predator, his eyes becoming luminescent; he revealed his two canines, as sharp as surgical scalpels.

  “Miserable human! You don’t know who you’re dealing with. You can do nothing against me!”

  “Me, no. But him, yes!” I said, jerking my head at my boss, who was coming up behind him.

  Bill tried to defend himself, but it was already too late. Phoenix grabbed him and flattened him against the wall, twisting both his arms. A resounding crack reverberated, and Bill cried out in rage.

  “You angel bastard! You broke my arm!”

  Phoenix, despite the fight he’d just had, talked as if it were nothing. If it weren’t for the gash on his arm, I wouldn’t have known anything had happened. “Be quiet! It won’t even show tomorrow. Stop fighting me and answer my questions, or I will have to cut your immortal existence quite short.”

  His voice had taken on that harsh and threatening timbre wrapped in velvet that terrified me. I could tell from Bill’s face that I wasn’t alone. He acquiesced, and Phoenix sat him down unceremoniously on one of the few chairs that hadn’t been reduced to splinters. Then he signaled me with a nod. There was no need for explanation: I got out my notepad and sat on another chair, ready to transcribe everything.

  Bill’s hatred toward my boss was visible on his face. I wondered if he really was going to answer Phoenix’s questions. At the same time, he didn’t really have a choice.

  “Good, let us begin. Why did you attack me when you saw me?”

  “I thought they’d sent you to dispose of me. I’m quite attached to my skin.”

  “Interesting. Do you have something to hide, something to make you think that they took me away from my urgent business to come take care of you?”

  “What do I know? Every chance they get, Talanus and Ysis think I’m getting in the way of their business, and they take advantage of their status to send their lapdog to settle the score under the cover of the law.”

  Yikes. I didn’t know who Talanus and Ysis were, but I’d definitely understood that the lapdog was Phoenix. Bill should have thought twice before opening his mouth. We didn’t have to wait long for Phoenix’s reaction.

  In the blink of an eye, my boss grabbed Bill’s head and smashed it against the table. He pressed it down firmly as he said, “You are forgetting who you’re talking to, Thirsty. I do not tolerate that kind of language and insinuation against me. Start that again and I shall rip your fangs out, is that clear?”

  He let go of Bill and sat next to him. B
ill had clearly lost his arrogance; if he could have, I was sure he would have begun sweating profusely. In an attempt to regain his composure, he fixed me with a look.

  “And her, who’s she?”

  “My assistant. But that is not the point of our meeting. Do you know anything about all the disappearances in this county?”

  The other man contented himself with looking scornfully at Phoenix.

  “Your assistant? A human? You’re getting weak, Phoenix! Worse, you’re becoming human!” he sneered.

  With that, my boss’s eyes became luminescent, turning that particular color between blue and white, and his fangs came out, threatening.

  “Do you want to see just how weak I am? Just give me a reason to rip you into pieces,” he snarled.

  Bill waited a beat, and then finally decided to cooperate.

  “I’ve heard rumors about these disappearances, like everyone else. My dancers are afraid. But I have nothing to do with it.”

  “Are you sure, Bill? At one point, you would not have opposed a small massacre of humans. So what’s a few kidnappings?”

  “Don’t worry, you’ve made your message clear,” Bill spit out with hate. “I’m clean,” he finished.

  “Let’s assume that you’ve done nothing. What do you know?”

  “I don’t know anything, I told you! I’ve come around. I’m clean. When are you and your bosses going to forget about me and leave me alone?”

  “As long as you are in their territory, that will never happen. I have my eye on you. And if I ever hear that it is not just a rumor that you are mixed up in this, I shall come back. And when I do, I will be far less amiable than I am this evening. Am I understood?”

  His glacial tone dissuaded any further comment. Even though that speech hadn’t been addressed to me, Phoenix had still made my hair stand on end.

  Phoenix stood up and motioned for me to pass in front of him before turning back to Bill.

  “One last thing. If you decide to take this out on my assistant, directly or indirectly, I swear you will suffer so much and so long that you will beg me to kill you.”

  Despite the atrocities that that threat implied, it was very nice of Phoenix. Especially since, seeing the look on Bill’s face, Bill clearly would have loved to settle the score with me as a consolation prize.