A Girl Called Blue

by Marita Conlon-McKenna

  Back at school in September she could see the shock in the other girls’ faces when they heard about what had happened to Jess. Two or three of them burst out crying. Mrs Brady, their teacher, was tearful too and told everyone to take out their work copies and write quietly for the morning about safety and obeying the rules. She blew her nose in a hanky and went to talk to the teacher next door.

  School, work, nothing seemed as much fun without Jess! Blue did her best to concentrate but often found herself daydreaming.

  ***

  One Sunday, about a month later, she was helping Sister Monica brush up the leaves near the front door of the convent when she saw a woman approaching. It was a visitor. As she drew nearer she recognised her by her grey tweed coat. It was Eileen, a distant relation of Jess’s, the woman who came to take her out twice a year and gave her the money.

  ‘Good morning, Sister,’ she smiled. ‘I’ve come to collect Jess O’Reilly and take her out for the day.’

  Sister Monica looked up, her face upset, her wrinkled old hands shaking. ‘Oh, my dear. Please … please … step inside to the parlour.’

  Blue stood with the brush in her hand saying nothing.

  ‘No, Sister,’ the woman said softly. ‘I’ll just wait here for Jess. Please tell her to hurry along.’

  Sister Monica stepped forward and caught hold of the woman’s arm. ‘Please, my dear, come inside and sit down for a minute.’

  The visitor looked uncomfortable, but, seeing the agitation of the elderly nun, agreed to go inside.

  ‘Blue, run and get Sister Agnes or Sister Regina if you can find them,’ instructed Sister Monica. ‘We’ll be here in the front parlour.’

  Blue dropped her brush and took off up the stairs. She’d try the chapel first, then the office, then the garden. Sometimes the nuns walked in the grounds, saying their prayers. The chapel was empty, the office locked and she was just about to run down the back stairs and out the kitchen door when she spotted Sister Regina on the upper landing, having words with Big Ellen at the door of the nursery. Obviously there was some trouble – Big Ellen looked like she was about to cry.

  Blue raced up the stairs. ‘Please, Sister,’ she interrupted. ‘Sister Monica wants you to come down to the parlour immediately to one of the visitors.’

  ‘Oh!’ the nun sighed. ‘Can she not even deal with the simplest of things!’

  ‘She says you have to come. The visitor is looking for Jess.’

  Sister Regina turned around at once and made for the staircase. Big Ellen looked relieved. Blue ran after the nun, trying to keep up with her. As they approached the parlour Sister Regina told her to resume her sweeping.

  In moments, the air filled with a loud wailing as the woman, obviously, was told the news about Jess. The parlour door flew open.

  ‘But my child! My child! I trusted you to care for my child!’ screamed Eileen.

  ‘Control yourself,’ urged Sister Regina.

  Blue stood, appalled. The visitor in her shabby grey coat was overcome with grief. Her face was livid white, her eyes desperate. She looked like she was going to faint, just as some of the girls in the church did in the mornings.

  ‘Please, Eileen, come back in and sit down!’ soothed Sister Monica. ‘You’ve had a terrible shock. We’ll get you a glass of water.’

  ‘I gave her into your protection and look what has happened!’

  Blue couldn’t believe it. She suddenly realised that the woman standing in front of her was no ordinary visitor, no distant relative. She was Jess’s mother. She had to be. She could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice. The woman was distraught.

  Blue scrunched up her face trying not to cry too. It was too awful. Jess had never known that Eileen was her mother. Why had no one ever told her? Why had they all kept it a secret from her? All those years Jess thought she had no mother and that Eileen was just being charitable coming to see her once or twice a year. All those wasted years.

  ‘Bernadette, run to the kitchen and get a glass of water,’ said Sister Monica, her face filled with concern and pity.

  ‘I should never have put my baby into this place,’ sobbed the woman. ‘I should have taken her out of Larch Hill.’

  ‘Eileen, you did what was best,’ murmured Sister Monica, patting her arm. ‘You weren’t able to provide for her. The child had friends here, was doing well in school. Jess was so clever and bright, God rest her.’

  ‘Jess was well taken care of here,’ said Sister Regina, her expression hard. ‘But, I’m afraid she was wild and wilful, often disobeyed the rules …’

  Blue ran to the kitchen and filled a glass with cold water from the tap. She was careful not to spill it as she returned. She stared at Jess’s mother, she couldn’t help herself. Sister Monica had managed to get the woman back indoors to sit down. Eileen took a few sips.

  ‘You will have to excuse me,’ Sister Regina said. ‘I must attend to a matter in the nursery. My prayers are with you in these troubled times, Eileen.’

  ‘I don’t want your prayers, Sister,’ replied Eileen angrily, standing up again. ‘I should never have listened to your promises about my child having a better start and being well cared for here!’ She moved towards the front door, obviously anxious to get away from the nuns.

  ‘If there is any word from the authorities I promise we will get in touch with you,’ said Sister Monica, trying to comfort her.

  Blue stood like a statue. not knowing what to say. She watched the lonely figure walk back down the convent driveway through the fallen leaves towards the gate.

  * * *

  Blue could not get what had happened out of her mind. She kept thinking about Jess and her mother. If only Jess had known who Eileen was, how different things might have been. Maybe she had a mother too? What if somewhere out there was the woman who had given birth to her? Maybe she looked like her or talked like her or had the same blue eyes? Sister Regina and the nuns knew but they wouldn’t tell her. Blue was determined somehow or other to find out the truth about her mother, and who she really was.

  CHAPTER 17

  The Keys

  ‘Do you think about Jess?’ asked Lil, her head bent, a look of concentration on her thin face as she sewed a rip in a white cotton blouse.

  How could she explain how she felt? Blue knew she would never forget Jess, no matter how long she lived.

  ‘She was my best friend,’ was all she said.

  ‘I miss her too,’ Lil sighed, cutting a piece of thread with her teeth.

  The two of them had been assigned to laundry duty, a job Blue absolutely detested. The warm autumn weather taunted them while they were stuck in the stuffy laundry room for hours, sorting and folding clean, dry clothes, matching socks, re-fixing loose buttons. Lil liked sewing and was good at mending while Blue kept pricking herself with the needle and could barely sew on a button.

  ‘It’s not fair, us stuck up here,’ she complained. ‘We should be outside, playing in the yard.’

  Lil just shrugged her shoulders and kept on sewing. The work had to be done and somebody had to do it.

  Blue stood over by the narrow window and noticed the sky suddenly blacken as a heavy shower of rain begin to fall. It was a huge downpour.

  ‘Quick, Lil, help me close the window before we’re drowned.’

  They pulled the window closed and watched a stampede from the yard down below as the girls all ran in screaming from the lashing rain. Even the nuns were running to get out of it, their heavy habits and veils soaked.

  Fifteen minutes later Sister Carmel pushed her way into the laundry room and hung two wet habits on the large drying frame.

  ‘Poor Sister Regina and Sister Agnes are drenched to the skin,’ she explained. ‘Leave those clothes to dry there overnight. I’m going to run baths for them.’

  She spread the two habits on the wooden drying bars and hoisted them up overhead. Not bothering to check the girls’ work, she rushed out of the room.

  Lil kept on sewing. Glancing upwards
, Blue could hardly believe her good fortune. Above them, almost hidden in the dripping black material, she spotted the glint of silver keys. The keys to the office! It was exactly the opportunity she had been waiting for. Immediately she grabbed the pulley and began to lower the frame.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘The keys, Lil! Look, The Crow has left her keys.’

  ‘What do you want her keys for?’ asked Lil, appalled.

  ‘This is my chance, my only chance to get into her office and find my file. There’s nobody around. You heard what Sister Carmel said, they’re going to be out of the way.’

  They all knew Sister Regina guarded her office like a fortress, the silver keys always attached to the narrow leather belt she wore strung around her waist, hidden in the folds of her long black habit. With her beady eyes and sharp face, she had earned her nickname. She constantly watched everything that happened. The orphanage was her domain and she made sure that everybody knew it and that nobody dared to cross her. Even the other nuns bowed and scraped and were ill at ease when she was around.

  Sister Regina had ignored Blue’s constant requests for information about her parents and her family.

  ‘We’ve told you time and time again that your mother was a poor country girl who handed you into our care, child. There’s nothing more to be said on the matter,’ was all the nun would say.

  Now, the actual key to so many questions was lying in the palm of her hand. Blue just had to use it.

  ‘Come on, Lil. You’ve got to help me. I must find out about my mother. I don’t want to be like Jess.’ She had told Lil all about Eileen.

  Lil’s face paled, her brown eyes nervous and scared. ‘You’ll get caught. You know she’ll catch you. ’

  ‘She won’t,’ insisted Blue. ‘We have the keys and all I have to do is slip into her office. No one will know.’

  Blue stood up, abandoning her sewing on the bench.

  ‘Oh, God!’ said Lil, who hated getting into trouble.

  ‘Come on, hurry up.’

  The narrow corridor was quiet, the rest of the house busy at other things. Outside the office door Blue took the keys from her pocket, trying to guess which one would fit. The first, the second; no, they didn’t fit.

  ‘Oh Heavenly Mother pray for us, we’ll be caught,’ murmured Lil, all agitated and upset.

  ‘Will you shush up or someone will hear you,’ hissed Blue, trying another key.

  This time it fitted. It was a bit stiff, but she managed to turn it and the door opened.

  ‘Come on, Lil.’

  ‘I can’t do it, Blue. I just can’t.’

  Blue could tell her friend was petrified. She looked like she was about to faint or get sick.

  ‘Then stand guard outside,’ she ordered. ‘If she comes – sing, whistle, knock on the wall.’

  ‘I’ll warn you,’ assured Lil loyally.

  Blue closed the door behind her. She knew the room well. How often had she stood in front of the mahogany desk, knees quaking, in trouble yet again with the head nun? She knew the swirls and colours and pattern of the rug on the floor from staring at it so often, trying to concentrate on it rather than the accusing eyes of her tormentor who was handing out another punishment or delivering another lecture to her on her behaviour. This time the carved chair was empty and the room still. A pile of letters and paperwork covered the desk. She turned towards the grey filing cabinet in the corner. That was where the documents were kept. She’d seen the nun getting her file out of it often enough. She grabbed the handle of the top drawer. It wouldn’t budge. None of the drawers would. Then she noticed the tiny lock up in the right hand corner of the cabinet. There had to be a key for it somewhere. Maybe it would be on the desk? She’d have to disturb everything to find it. She was just about to move the letters when she remembered the key ring. There was a tiny silver key on it, too small for a door, but maybe it would fit the cabinet? She turned it gently and felt the cabinet unlock.

  Everything was filed alphabetically. She was in here somewhere.

  O … O’Brien, O’Connor, O’Hara, then she found it: O’Malley. Her name. She pulled out the brown cardboard file. Bernadette Lourdes Una O’Malley was written across the top of it. There were pages of it. She began to leaf through it. Vaccination record. Health record. School Attendance record. Family – where was the family bit, the bit she wanted? Then she saw it: mother’s name. Her breath froze in her throat, just wanting to see it. Then the shock and utter disbelief at the words:

  Mother’s name: unknown.

  There must be some mistake. The Crow had hidden it from her.

  She scanned the page up and down.

  Family address: unknown.

  Home address: unknown.

  Place of birth: unknown.

  Contact address: unknown.

  Blue sat down at the desk, pulling the chair up as she ran her fingers along the line of print. There had to be some mistake. Maybe the nun put this kind of thing deliberately in the file to prevent the children finding out who they were? She grabbed another file from the cabinet. Anne O’Hara’s. She searched it.

  Place of birth: the Rotunda Hospital, Dublin.

  Mother’s name: Jean, unmarried.

  There was even a family address.

  Blue swallowed hard. She pushed Anne’s file aside and spread out her own one. Midway through it she found pieces of newspaper. She opened them. It was a newspaper story from twelve, almost thirteen, years ago, about a baby found in a disused building. Checking the date at the top of the Evening Press, she realised that it was her own birthday.

  She read the headlines over again, about an abandoned baby suffering from exposure found wrapped in a blue blanket in an empty building.

  She shook her head, not wanting to believe the awful story. This was not what she’d expected. She blinked back the tears as she studied the photo of the Garda sergeant who had found her. She had wanted the truth and now here it was, the truth of who she really was.

  There were other clippings: a medical report from the children’s hospital, the search for the unidentified mother. There was no mother found, the clippings made that clear. There was no family to discover. She had been abandoned. She was a nobody. A nothing!

  She sat at the desk for what seemed like hours, not moving, not believing what was in front of her. Then she heard it from far off – the bell for tea. She felt tired, as if all the energy and life had drained out of her. She was too weak even to stand up and move.

  ‘Blue!’ The voice disturbed her.

  She remembered Lil, standing outside waiting for her. She got up slowly and took her file and placed it back in the exact same spot. She had promised Lil she would check if there was an address for her mother. She searched and found the name Hennessy.

  Mother resettled in London. It gave an address.

  Signed away right to children and does not want any contact.

  She pushed the file back. Closing the cabinet, she locked it and made her way to the door and out to the corridor, remembering to turn the key behind her.

  ‘Well?’ asked Lil, full of curiosity. ‘Did you find it?’

  ‘I found it.’

  ‘Well, go on, what was in it?’

  ‘Not much. About school, here, but not much else!’

  ‘What about your family, your mother? It must have said something?’

  ‘Unknown. Mother unknown. That’s all it said.’

  ‘No name, address? Nothing?’

  She shook her head slowly. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Blue,’ said Lil, squeezing her hand, ‘it was just a waste of time then!’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Did you get any chance to see was there anything about me, my family?’

  ‘I checked your file, Lily, but it had no address for your mother,’ lied Blue. ‘It just said unknown.’

  ‘I wasn’t really expecting anything,’ admitted Lil. ‘Honest, I wasn’t.’

  ‘Come on, I’d better get t
he keys back before the old Crow discovers they’re missing. Let’s go down to tea.’

  They had just turned into the laundry when they were greeted by the sight of Sister Carmel waiting for them. She held Sister Regina’s black habit in her hand.

  ‘Sister Regina has mislaid her keys. Have you seen them?’

  Lil flushed as red as a tomato, her eyes jumping guiltily towards Blue.

  Blue cursed herself, wishing she had never made the mistake of touching the stupid keys. They were in her hand. She could feel them.

  ‘I found them, Sister,’ she lied. ‘I was going to give them back to Sister Regina but I couldn’t find her. They must have fallen out of her pocket on to the ground here, near the basket of mending.’

  Sister Carmel looked relieved. ‘I’m sure she’ll be glad to get them back.’

  ‘Phew!’ gasped Lil and Blue in unison as the nun disappeared out into the corridor.

  CHAPTER 18