The Cirque

by Ryann Kerekes

  ***

  It was Wednesday night, our last free night before our run started on Thursday, so we all made plans to go out and do something. Tanner said he would take us to Minnehaha Falls at sunset. He said to dress warm. The plan was hatched that afternoon when Tanner had done my makeup. He was always begging me to let him do my makeup or paint my nails, and it was an easy way to make him happy.

  Tanner was utterly preoccupied with the conquest that was Shane. Though none of us knew whether Shane was gay or straight, Tanner was completely smitten with him. While he did my makeup, we brainstormed ways he could use his powers of persuasion to flip Shane. He nicknamed our mission Operation Spatula.

  “You could always just ask him if he’s gay.” I closed my eyes as he used a brush to spread foundation over my face.

  “Bor-ing. Come on, Ari,” he pleaded in a whiny voice. “You’ve got to help me.”

  “He does kinda seem to flirt with you.”

  “I feel major chemistry with him. I’m not sure if he does though. My gaydar is normally so spot on. But this boy confuses me.”

  “All right, what about asking him how he feels about issues like gay marriage, or gays adopting?”

  “Not bad,” he said, considering it. “What else you got?”

  “Well, there’s the classic get him drunk and make a move on him. See if he returns the favor,” I said. “If he acts offended, just blame it on the alcohol and apologize. Perfect alibi.”

  “Unoriginal.” Once he finished with the foundation, he dusted me all over with shimmery powder. “You look beautiful, by the way.” He nodded to himself. “Charcoal or mocha?” He held up two different eye shadows.

  They looked the same to me. “Whatever you want.” I shrugged.

  “Let’s go charcoal and I’ll do pale lips to balance it out.” He lined my eyes with black liner and then colored them in with the charcoal eye shadow. I would never choose colors this bold, but I trusted him. “Open your eyes.” I opened them and he ran the mascara wand through my lashes. “What do you think?”

  I looked into the mirror. My blue-gray eyes seemed to pop against the smoky shadow. “I like it.”

  “Oh! I’ve got an idea,” he said. “I could get into a play fight with him and start wrestling him and accidently tear all his clothes off.” He clapped his hands together.

  “Tanner! Focus. I think maybe something more subtle.”

  “Subtle. That’s good. But what to do?” He strummed his fingers on the top of the vanity. “This is going to require a lot of alcohol.”

  “That’s not what I meant when I said subtle. Maybe we can play truth or dare and see what you can get out of him.” I instantly regretted saying this; it was so juvenile.

  “You’re good at this.” He smiled at me. “Okay, which one?” He held up two different blushes and I pointed at one. “Ugh. That was a test and you failed. Miserably, I might add. You don’t have the skin tone to pull off coral. Light pinks are your friend; remember that.”

  I ignored the insult while he swirled the brush into the pink blush. “You could pass him a note that says: Are you straight? Circle yes or no.”

  “Cute, Ari. I’m not going to let you play with my makeup anymore if you don’t help me.”

  I bit my tongue to avoid pointing out that I didn’t want to play with his makeup and this was his idea. “I am helping you. I gave you like fifty ideas.” I puckered my lips for the lip gloss.

  “I know what all men like,” Tanner smiled with a glint in his eye I didn’t trust.

  “And what’s that?”

  “Blow jobs.” He smiled.

  “You are redonkulous.”

  “You’re done,” he said finishing me with a spritz of hairspray. He swatted my butt as I walked away. I shot a warning glance over my shoulder but he was grinning like a fool and of course I cracked a smile.

  “Remember…Operation Spatula!” he called after me.

  ***

  I wore a pink hooded sweatshirt and jeans, and decided to leave on some of the makeup Tanner had done for me earlier. I did like what it did to my eyes. Shane was now officially part of our group and the Jeep was pretty crowded with five of us. Tanner drove, and of course Sasha claimed the front seat, as she always did, which left me squeezed between Gabriel and Shane in the back. Gabriel kept his body pressed up against the door to avoid touching me.

  When we got to Minnehaha Falls, we walked through a lush park. And though I couldn’t see the falls yet, I could hear the rush of water up ahead. We followed the noise and were greeted by a fifty-foot waterfall dropping off a rocky cliff. There was a stone ledge in front of it to prevent people from falling in the river and we climbed up and sat on it, dangling our feet over the edge.

  Gabriel hung back, waiting for me to sit, then sat down next to me. He wore a hooded zip-up sweatshirt under a leather jacket and was his usual handsome, brooding self. Tanner had packed a backpack with beverages and passed it on down the line. I took a bottle of water, as did Gabriel, but the rest of them cracked open cans of beer.

  “Let’s play a game,” Tanner suggested. “It’s called Never-Have-I-Ever.” Tanner explained the rules. It was a drinking game, but Gabriel and I were ‘okayed’ to just drink water. Each person got to ask a question and if your answer to the question was ‘yes’ you had to take a drink. The lulling sound of the falls made it seem more private here, like you could expose secrets without fear.

  “I’ll go first,” Tanner said. “Never have I ever…kissed a member of the same sex.” I almost laughed out loud at his lack of subtlety. “Well, I have!” Tanner said and took a swig. Sasha and Shane both took a drink. Gabriel and I gripped our water bottles in our hands. “Hmm,” Tanner said. “Okay, Sash – your turn.”

  Sasha was quiet for a minute while she thought of her question. “Never have I ever spent the night in jail,” she said. I watched as Gabriel took a long sip of his water. No one else drank.

  It was Shane’s turn next. “Never have I ever had a threesome.” Shane took a sip of his beer and I thought I saw him blush. No one else drank to that one. Maybe Shane wasn’t as wholesome as I had thought.

  It was my turn next but I had no idea what to ask. I wanted to sound cool in front of Gabriel. I hadn’t had to drink to any of the questions so far. “Never have I ever fallen for the wrong person,” I said. This time everyone drank, including me. Gabriel looked out at the falls, and I nudged him in the arm, “Your turn.”

  “I know. I’m thinking,” he said staring out at the water. “Never have I ever had sex,” he said. I waited to see if he would add in a car or on a camel…anything, but he stopped and my stomach did a little flip when I realized he’d asked that question because he was curious about my past. Awesome. Now everyone was going to know I was a virgin when I didn’t take a drink. I thought we had established this at the club, but maybe he was trying to determine what exactly had happened with Dmitri. Everyone else took a swig. Maybe they didn’t notice I hadn’t, but I looked over and Gabriel was watching me.

  Tanner wasted no time asking his next question, “Never have I ever forgotten the name of the person I was in bed with.” Only Sasha took a drink.

  “Is this game over yet? I’m already drunk,” she said. “I’ve had more to drink than any of you young’uns. And it’s cold out here.”

  “Shush. We’re trying to get to know everyone better, and this is fun,” Tanner said.

  Sasha turned to Shane. “Okay, Shane here’s the deal. Tanner wants to know if you’re gay.”

  “Sa-sha!” Tanner scolded.

  Shane laughed and ran his hands through his sandy-blond hair. “Uhhh,” he hesitated and laughed nervously. “I guess I’m considered bi-curious.” He smiled shyly at Tanner and then looked down.

  Once the mystery was solved, the game was over. We took a walk around the park where the moonlight gave everything a creepy glow. I wished I could loop my arm through Gabriel’s the way we did on stage together but I walked next to Tanner instead. “How�
�d you know about this place anyway?”

  “I’m from here,” he said.

  “What?” I didn’t know he was from Minnesota. “Do your parents still live here?”

  “Yeah. I’m going to see them on Sunday. I told them I’m in town on business.” A tree blocked our path and we split apart to go around it.

  “What is it they think you do?”

  “Something with computers. They’re not real tech-savvy, so they don’t ask a lot of questions. And if they do, I just start talking about microprocessors and gigabytes and they stop.” He stopped walking and suddenly turned to face me. “You should come with me Sunday, take some of the heat off me.”

  “How would I take the heat off you?”

  “Because, you’ll pretend to be my girlfriend and my mom will be ecstatic.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You don’t think it’s creepy for a twenty-four-year-old to be dating an eighteen-year-old?”

  “Let me get this straight, you’re more concerned with our age difference than the fact that your boyfriend is gay?” he asked.

  “Fine. I’ll go with you.” Tanner was turning into a good friend, so if I could help him by going, I would do it.

  Gabriel took the keys from Tanner and drove back. I would have preferred that he sit with me in the backseat, but whatever. Tanner and Shane got in next to me and giggled together at some inside joke.

  When we got back, Gabriel lingered outside the door of my trailer looking like he wanted to say something.

  “What’s up?” I asked wondering how long he was going to keep me waiting there.

  “I’ve gotta go take Gertie out.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you want to come with me?”

  It seemed like maybe Gabriel was finally going to let me in. “Sure.”

  We walked in the dark toward his trailer. Gertie, normally so calm, was really happy to see him. He picked her up and carried her down the steps and set her on the ground outside. “Aren’t you worried about her running away?” I said, noticing he didn’t use a leash.

  “No, she won’t go far.” Gertie wandered a few feet from us and squatted to pee, then sauntered back over to his side and waited to be picked up. He bent down and got her. “It’s cold out; you wanna come inside?” He watched me and waited for me to answer and either accept him and all his issues or push him away.

  “Yeah,” I said, rubbing my arms through the sweatshirt.

  Gertie hopped up on his bed and lay down in the tangled sheets. “Yeah, sorry, seating’s kinda limited in here.”

  I acted like it was no big deal and we both sat on the edge of his bed, but my heart was pounding with anticipation. The trailer felt cramped. It was also pretty dim inside with just one lamp glowing softly in the corner. He got up to turn on some music. “What do you want to listen to?”

  “Whatever.” I shrugged. He turned on something I’d never heard before. The instruments were echo-y, almost unidentifiable, and the vocals were light and airy. It sounded sexy. I liked it.

  He sat back down. Gertie walked over to me and sat down on my lap, curling herself into a small ball. I stared down at her.

  “You’re not a dog person?” he asked.

  “I like dogs,” I said almost too quickly. I rested my hand on her back tentatively. “My mom never let me have a pet, so I just didn’t grow up with them.”

  “Well, she seems to like you.” We were sitting too close and I could smell his delicious, spicy scent. I wasn’t sure if it came from him or maybe the sheets. He leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows. My gaze wandered the length of his body, over his flat stomach, ending at his belt buckle. I didn’t let my eyes go any further. I needed to get a grip.

  Gertie hopped up from my lap, startling us. She burrowed herself under the covers at the foot of his bed. I looked back up at Gabriel and his eyes were still on mine.

  “So, what did you think of that game earlier?” he asked.

  “That was Tanner’s way of finding out if he had a chance with Shane.”

  He nodded. “I was starting to wonder about Shane. I saw the way he looked at you, but then I also saw him noticing Tanner. He’s definitely a little confused.” Gabriel shook his head.

  “Yeah, there’s nothing like that going on between us.”

  He looked at me, his eyes on mine, as if reading my mind.

  I needed to learn more about this guy sitting beside me – I hungered to understand him. I knew it was crazy, but maybe I could be his guardian angel, just like the angel painting that sat on his dresser. Suddenly feeling bold, I asked, “What if we played our own game?”

  “What did you have in mind?” he said with a hint amusement in his eyes.

  “It’s called three questions. We each get to ask each other three questions, and the other person has to answer honestly.” I was glad to hear the confidence in my voice since I was making this up on the spot.

  “I’m game,” he said. “Who goes first?”

  “I’ll start.” I wasn’t sure if I had the courage to ask him about the murder charges, though obviously it was the thing I was most curious about. I decided to start slow so he didn’t kick me out of his room. Plus I didn’t think I could handle the truth just now. “Why did you come here?” I asked.

  “You mean join the show?”

  I nodded.

  He smiled a lopsided grin at the memory. “That’s an easy one. Del found me performing on the Santa Monica Pier. I had twenty bucks in my pocket, so of course I said yes when he offered me the job.”

  It wasn’t exactly how Sasha had described it. Maybe she really didn’t know any more about Gabriel’s background than I did. “Okay, question number two. Were you jealous of me with Dmitri?” I looked over at him from the corner of my eye.

  His eyes hardened as he thought about Dmitri. “He didn’t deserve you,” he said, not directly answering my question. “If you were mine, I wouldn’t treat you like that.” Mine. That word on his lips made my pulse spike. His honesty always surprised me. He held so much back, but at other times freely admitted his feelings to me.

  “Have you ever wanted to meet your birth parents?” I asked my last question.

  “Yeah. I tracked my dad down when was I thirteen. My mom died in a car accident when I was a baby. They were only eighteen and he couldn’t handle a baby on his own so he put me up for adoption. He had this whole other family when I met him.” He ran his hands through his hair as he remembered back. “It was really awkward. I don’t think he knew what to do with me. He just kept saying that I looked like my mom and I think it creeped them out.”

  I was sorry I’d asked that question. I let my own curiosity push me forward, without even thinking it might be a hard topic for him. He would never meet his mother and his own father had rejected him.

  “That’s three,” he said. “My turn?”

  I nodded.

  “Are you done with Dmitri?”

  “Yes, definitely.”

  He nodded, pleased with my answer. He thought about his next question for a minute. “Did you want to kiss me the other day?” he asked with a smirk on his lips.

  I looked down shyly. Why was he asking me that, of all things? And which day exactly was he referring to? There had been many times I’d wanted to kiss him. “I don’t know. I guess I thought about it.” I swallowed hard.

  He brought his hand up to my jaw carefully while he watched my eyes. His thumb caressed the side of my face, and he slid his fingers down my neck and behind my hair. I knew he could feel the way my pulse jumped beneath his fingers and I blushed at his attention. A sense of wonder and curiosity reflected back at me in his eyes.

  “And what else did you…think about?” he asked, continuing to send shivers down my back with the way his fingertips brushed my hair back from my neck.

  I didn’t want to tell him that I thought about how his lips were perfect and his eyes tortured me and I longed to feel his body pressed against mine. “Is that your third question?” I asked, instead.

&
nbsp; “Yeah.” His voice was low and so close to my ear I could feel his breath heating my skin.

  “I – I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” he asked. “This is your game. You said we had to answer the questions honestly.” I wet my lips with my tongue and looked at his mouth. I had the urge to lean in and kiss him but didn’t know how he’d react. “I’m waiting,” he reminded me.

  I swallowed and looked away from his perfect face to clear my head. The pressure in the room changed and suddenly the air was too thick, too full of him, his scent, his confidence and it pressed down on me, making me lightheaded. I couldn’t sit there a second longer while he casually used my admission to tease me. It wasn’t fair how he always turned me into the vulnerable one, making me admit how I was feeling about him while he sat back and studied me.

  “I…this game was stupid. I’m sorry.”

  When he didn’t say anything, I stood up and I walked to the door. Hesitating for just a second, I pulled it open then jogged down the steps of this trailer. I hoped he would come out after me, or at least call my name and make me stop, but he didn’t. I slowed down and walked back to my trailer, disappointed and alone. Why did I have to ruin everything?

  Chapter 12

  Our string of performances over the weekend went well, but left most of us drained from the travel and hectic schedule. By Sunday, I regretted agreeing to play Tanner’s girlfriend. I changed out of my costume from the afternoon show and stood in front of the mirror. What did you wear the first time you met your fake boyfriend’s parents? I stepped into jeans and a sweater and frowned at my appearance. Frowned at what I’d agreed to do – I couldn’t do this today. I was already lying to my own parents. Adding lies to Tanner’s parents on top of that just seemed wrong.

  As I finished changing, I heard a knock at the door. I pulled it open to find Tanner standing outside in a pressed polo shirt, smiling from ear to ear. He looked me over. My hair and makeup were still done from the show.