The Cirque

by Ryann Kerekes

  “What’s that?” I smiled.

  “A candle,” he said, flatly.

  I gave him a no shit look. “I meant, what’s it for? Are you trying to seduce me?” I asked, hopeful.

  He shook his head and I thought I saw the corner of his mouth raise up, but he didn’t answer.

  “Well, just to warn you – you’re not going to have to try very hard.”

  He sat down next to me and trailed his fingers along my exposed shoulder. “I’m not?”

  “Shouldn’t take much.” I leaned in and breathed against his neck, letting my lips just barely brush his skin. It still surprised me to see his tattoos standing out against his skin. I traced my finger up the design on his bicep that disappeared under his sleeve.

  His eyes searched mine, trying to figure out what I intended. I leaned in to kiss him and knew I was too eager. He brought his hand to my face, slowing me down, tilting my head to meet his, and I could tell he savored the anticipation of our mouths together. He brushed my hair back from my face. He was completely unrushed. It was like he didn’t feel any of the same fire that drove me forward. He continued to kiss me softly until my heart beat wildly and my cheeks were warm and flushed.

  I climbed onto his lap and pushed him back on the bed. If I could get him to let his guard down and let me in, I could show him how good we could be together.

  “Whoa,” he chuckled against my mouth. “What’s gotten into you?”

  My heart pounded and I wasn’t sure if I should come clean about my plans for tonight. I had never wanted someone so bad in my entire life. Maybe it was because he was so unattainable, so outrageously sexy, or because his tattoos screamed bad boy, either way, I knew I wanted him. I wanted him like I wanted my next breath. I pushed his shirt up, and bent my head to trail kisses down his stomach. His skin was smooth and warm under my lips. I let my fingers dance along his sides, wondering if he were ticklish.

  I looked up at him through my eyelashes. “I want you.”

  He groaned and lay back, dropping his head against the pillow.

  “I want you too,” he said quietly, looking up at the ceiling. He stroked my hair while I worked my way lower, planting soft kisses across his stomach. I hoped he couldn’t tell that I had no idea what I was doing. But the way his chest rose and fell, I knew this had some effect on him. I kissed along the path of a tattoo that traced down his side until I reached his waistband. I remembered what Tanner had said and fumbled for the button on his jeans.

  “What are you doing?” he asked hoarsely, lifting my chin to look at him.

  I didn’t answer.

  “You don’t have to do that.” He looked at me for a second longer. “Come here.” He pulled me back up toward him.

  He expertly held my jaw and tilted his mouth to meet mine. He drove me mad the way he leaned in and kissed me, then pulled back, moving in at a different angle before kissing me again. I could feel him thinking through his every move. I didn’t want him thinking – I only wanted him feeling, like I did.

  We both had far too many clothes on, and I lifted his shirt, stripping it off him. He toyed with the spaghetti straps on my dress, letting them fall down my shoulders slowly like I was a present to be unwrapped. We continued kissing until I felt like I was about to explode.

  He groaned softly near my ear and I felt a shiver run through me. I wasn’t sure how this typically worked, but knew I couldn’t leave it up to him or we’d never move forward.

  “You have protection, right?” I whispered.

  He caught my hand while I was unzipping his pants. “Slow down, Ari.”

  “Why?” I looked down, suddenly losing some of my nerve and waited for him to say something.

  “We’re not doing what you think we’re doing.” He brushed my hair back behind my ears and began massaging my neck. “And I’m on the verge of losing what little self-control I have left.” He dropped his hands from me and lay back on the bed. He ran his hands through his hair, further rumpling the already messy strands.

  Somehow I knew he’d resist, but it only made me want him more. I pressed my hips into his lap while I kissed him, trying to change his mind.

  “I want to be with you,” I countered.

  “We don’t have to do anything more tonight,” he said between kisses. “I just think we should take it slow.” He ran his fingertips down my neck and let his hands trail across my collarbone. “You’re so perfect,” he whispered.

  “But you don’t want me.”

  “Believe me, I do. More than anything. I just don’t think we should right now.” He grasped my hips, holding me still against him. “Don’t tempt me,” he mumbled against my lips. I ran my hand over his stomach, going as low as I dared, and let my fingers just begin to slip under the waistband of his jeans.

  “What if I want to?”

  “It hurts the first time for girls, you know,” he said against my neck. That sent a chill down my spine. I pulled my hand back and sat up. Suddenly, I found myself wondering how many girls he’d been with.

  I rolled off him and lay next to him on the bed and looked up at the ceiling while my heart slowed. I felt an ache inside me, and fought back the tears pooling in my eyes. Great, as if I didn’t already feel like an inexperienced dumbass.

  “What’s wrong?” He stroked my cheek.

  “I feel stupid now,” I said, covering myself up with the sheet. I rolled over so I was facing away from him and blinked back the tears.

  “There’s nothing to feel stupid about.” He scooted over toward me. He combed his fingers through my hair, then wrapped a heavy arm around my middle. “Shouldn’t we talk about what’s going to happen with us?”

  I rolled over and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

  “Are you going home or are you going to tell your parents the truth?” His eyes were guarded, like he was waiting to see what I’d say.

  “I haven’t decided yet.”

  “What do you think your parents would say if they met me?”

  I dropped my eyes from his. “Why do we have to talk about this now?” This conversation definitely put a damper on the goals I’d had for the night.

  His eyes narrowed. My reaction must have told him what he’d assumed – that they would never approve. “Was that your plan? Sleep with me, pretend that everything’s fine and then just leave next week?”

  “I–I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I didn’t want to miss out on anything with you.” This thing with my parents would pass eventually but I didn’t think his troubles would blow over so easily. I was scared about his past, but it didn’t dampen my feelings for him.

  “That’s not how this works. I’m not Dmitri.” His eyes were serious as they searched mine for answers. I played with a corner of the blanket, and looked down, not knowing what to say. He sat up and grabbed his shirt, throwing it on over his head. “I’m taking Gertie out.” He picked her up and left, leaving the door swinging open behind him, signaling it was time for me to go. I straightened my dress and left as quickly as I could.

  Chapter 17

  Over the next few days, Gabriel’s silence gave me time to question if maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for life on the road, and I really couldn’t picture him in my life back home, so what exactly was I doing with him? Sasha was tired of seeing me mope around and after the show that night, when I changed into pajamas and lay down on my bed and stared blankly at the ceiling, she shook her head and hoisted me up.

  I stood there like a limp rag doll. “Get dressed,” she commanded.

  “Why?” I’d planned to read tonight.

  “We’re going out,” she said. “I can’t stand to watch you waste away anymore.” I knew arguing would be pointless, so I threw on a wrinkled pair of jeans from the floor and followed her outside. We stopped and got the keys from Tanner and swung by to pick up Hope. The three of us walked to the Jeep in silence.

  Sasha drove us to a rundown coffee shop that looked so dark from the outside I wondered if it wa
s open. After we ordered, we huddled around a corner table and they listened for the tenth time as I talked about my predicament with my parents and Gabriel.

  “You came here to live, right?” Sasha asked. She lit a cigarette and took a quick drag, and balanced it between her fingers.

  I stared down in my mocha while I contemplated how to answer. The once-perfect dollop of whipped cream had dissolved into a milky froth. I nodded. I tilted the mug to my lips and sucked in a sip. It was scalding hot and burned the tip of my tongue. I winced and set the mug down.

  “And yet, here you are avoiding it,” she finished.

  I couldn’t argue with Sasha, even if I wanted to. I sat silently, and watched her take a drag and blow a cloud of smoke over her shoulder. Hope dumped packet after packet of sugar into her coffee and stirred.

  “And you’re the one that told Tanner…about keeping secrets, not facing life…. It’s not always easy, but things worth doing rarely are,” she went on. Hope was no help while Sasha went on like she was my mother. “Choosing what you want, fighting for it, dealing with all the ups and downs – that’s life,” Sasha finished. I knew she was right. Going back to my logical, tidy life would be the easy thing to do. Now, when things were hard, I was ready to admit defeat and abandon it all without even trying. I wouldn’t get hurt if I went back home now, but I’d barely be living. I knew facing my future, and Gabriel’s past, wouldn’t easy, but I realized that really was what mattered. I could go back home, pretend that this adventure never happened. My parents would never know.

  But it had happened. I had shown him my wounds and he had showed me his. And somewhere along the way, I’d fallen for him.

  “I’ve made a disaster of things.” I sighed and pushed my mug away.

  “Then there’s only one place to go from here – up.” Sasha squeezed my hand.

  “Nice, Sash.” I grimaced at the cliché. “What am I supposed to do?” I tried another sip. Yep, definitely still too hot.

  “You know what you have to do. Tell your parents the truth.” She took another drag of her cigarette. “And tell Gabriel how you feel about him.”

  She made it sound so simple.

  I watched the glowing red end of her cigarette slowly burn the paper to ash. “Actions are going to speak louder than words with him. He was told one thing by people who were supposed to care for him, but then was shuffled from home to home all his life.” She flicked the end of the cigarette into the ashtray. “You getting ready to leave without even talking to him probably stirred up those old feelings of abandonment.”

  I nodded, though I didn’t understand how she could know all this. She was like a walking psychology book.

  “Let’s go get something greasy. I’m hungry,” Hope said, breaking the silence. Sasha stubbed out the cigarette and we left our drinks unfinished and headed out into the cool night air.

  On the way home we stopped at a drive-thru where Sasha and Hope both got greasy burgers and fries. “Are you sure you don’t want anything, Ari?” Hope turned to look at me once they placed their order.

  “I’m good.” I didn’t have an appetite with my head swimming over everything Sasha had said.

  “Who the hell invented drive-thrus?” Hope asked, digging through the bag. “I mean seriously, don’t you find it odd that they thrust a bag of food at you through an open window and then you speed away like you’ve just robbed a bank?” I mustered a smile and shook my head. She took a big bite of her burger, dropping a pickle into the paper wrapper on her lap.

  “Careful!” Sasha said, dangling a fry out of her mouth. “Tanner will kill me if he finds out we ate in the car.”

  “You sure you don’t want a fry, Ari?” Hope offered, holding the paper sleeve out to me. I shook my head.

  They concentrated on their food while I stared out into the darkness. I zoned out, watching the passing headlights. “You okay back there?” Sasha looked at me in the rearview mirror.

  My life so far had been lived for others – my parents, my dance teachers. I’d done what others expected of me all along. Now I had a chance to get it right. “I will be.”

  ***

  It was our last show in Phoenix before we packed up and moved onto Albuquerque. Gabriel and I waited backstage to go on. He was back to barely noticing me again and we stood in silence, watching the flaming hula act Del just added that now preceded ours. “Hey, can we talk later?” I asked.

  “Hmm?” He turned to me. “Sure.” He went back to watching for our cue.

  “I’ll swing by after.”

  He nodded.

  It now seemed like no big deal to perform with Gabriel. The healthy dose of fear I once had for the knives had long since dissolved. Maybe it was because I had bigger problems on my mind.

  After the show, I went to my trailer and quickly changed into jeans and a t-shirt. On the walk to Gabriel’s, I was tense and tried to figure out what I was going to say. This moment felt bigger than anything before, bigger than any opening night performance.

  I knocked on the aluminum door and waited for him to answer. He opened the door a few inches and peeked out at me. “Hey.”

  “Can I…come in?”

  He glanced back at the bed and then at me. “Let’s take a walk instead.” He stepped out and closed the door behind him. It was like he knew if I came in, things would turn heated and neither of us would be able to say what we needed to. It was probably a good idea to get out in the fresh air where we could both think clearly.

  We walked in silence for a few minutes, heading nowhere in particular, passing by trailer after trailer as performers came and went following the show. It wasn’t exactly private, but no one paid us much attention. In fact, most people steered clear of Gabriel.

  “What’s on your mind?” he said after a few minutes.

  “I wanted to talk about what happened the other night, and talk about us,” I said softly.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that too.”

  I looked over at him. His face was serious. He kept his head down, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Apparently, neither of us knew how to begin because we shuffled along until we reached the picnic table. I leaned against the side of the table while he stood in front of me at a safe distance.

  “Listen, Ari. You and I would never work,” he said, piercing me with his blue eyes. Wait…. What? This wasn’t how the conversation was supposed to go. He dug his toe into the dirt. “I was stupid to ask you out. I felt badly that you’d never been on a date, and you caught me in a moment of weakness.” He glanced up at me, and then dropped his head again.

  “What are you saying?”

  “A nice girl like you shouldn’t be with someone like me. There are things you don’t know. Things you wouldn’t like.”

  “Just try me, Gabriel.” I shifted my weight uncomfortably but held him with my eyes. “I know you’re not a bad guy; I can see through all this.” I waved my arms in front of me. He pushed a mound of dirt aside with his shoe. Even with his height and tattoos, he could still seem so vulnerable sometimes. I couldn’t believe that I’d ever been afraid of him.

  “It’s more than that. We can’t be together,” he said.

  “Tell me then, what else is it?”

  He stood looking at me for a moment longer and I grew restless waiting for him to say something, anything. I didn’t like that he was taking his time. He was so collected. I could almost see him making a decision, one I knew I wouldn’t like.

  I jumped in, trying to distract him. “Why can’t you just be the Gabriel I get sometimes, when you’re gentle and when you open up to me? I get these flashes of the real you, the one you try to keep hidden from everyone else.”

  “What would your parents say about me with you, Ari?”

  I kept my eyes on the ground. I didn’t want him to know he was right. They would never be okay with that.

  “I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be,” he said flatly.

  I reached up and trailed my hand
across his cheek. He closed his eyes briefly at my touch. “It’s not like that – I just want you to…. I don’t know,” I said, dropping my hand.

  “Be more like Dmitri?” he smirked.

  I clenched my fist at my side. I didn’t know why he was bringing Dmitri into this, but two could play at that game. “At least he was forward with what he wanted. I knew his intentions with me. That much was clear.”

  “Yeah, and what was that, a booty call?”

  “Guess it’s more than I’ve had with you.” It was a low blow after he’d treated me with nothing but respect. What we shared could never be compared to how Dmitri had tried to use me, but my last hope was to make him jealous.

  “It’s better this way. I couldn’t be with someone who fell for Ivanoff anyway.” Even as he spoke them, I didn’t believe his words. His eyes shone brightly, and beneath it all, I sensed this was a test. He’d been abandoned by everyone and he didn’t believe I would really stick around, so he was pushing me away first. He knew he would stand out like a sore thumb in my world, so he was removing himself before he had to meet my parents, and then be rejected. He was rejecting me instead.

  “I want to be with you,” I said, reaching for his hand. He pulled it back and shook his head.

  “What, you’ve got a thing for bad boys? Something you’ve gotta get out of your system?” I didn’t answer. “Well, in that case, you’re free to go back to Dmitri. I’m sorry I stopped you that night.”

  I rocked back on my heels in disbelief. When I looked into his eyes, I knew he was sorry he said it, but it didn’t change the fact he was still rejecting me. I turned to leave and felt him grab my wrist. His touch felt cool, just like he always was. I looked at him for a second longer, waiting to see if he’d say something to stop me, then pulled my arm free and left. “I didn’t even like Dmitri, you ass,” I called over my shoulder.

  I held in the tears until I reached my trailer and then fell into bed and sobbed into the pillow. Luckily, Sasha wasn’t around to witness it all.