Undead Philosophy 101

by Stephanie Burgis

  “Fine. In that case, come with me.” He struck out toward the front exit, and, still cursing myself, I followed.

  As soon as we reached the sidewalk outside, though, with cold snow whipping through the night air, my head started to clear. I followed Staggs across Grand River to the edge of the university campus, but then I stopped and planted myself still, arms crossed. We were out of hearing of the bar bunnies across the street, and the walkway to the Union building was quiet and empty underneath the street lamp.

  “Before we go any further, I want to know why you’re helping me.”

  “Do you really think there’s time for that?” He turned back to face me, hands loosely wrapped around the belt loops on his jeans. Ragged holes showed dark along the legs, letting in the snow, but for all that he reacted, it could have been a sunny July day on the beach. “Jeremy’s got your roommate, and if you knew Jeremy like I do—”

  “Exactly,” I said. “You know Jeremy. You don’t know me. So why are you helping me against him?”

  He shrugged. “Because I liked your paper on Plato?”

  I looked hard at him. “The fact that I’m an English major does not make me naïve or unworldly.”

  “Um…”

  I ignored the look he was giving me. “You are not doing this as a favor to me. You don’t even know what I was going to offer you in exchange.”

  He propped his shoulders against the lamppost, settling in. “Fine. We can stand here all night debating this if you want, while Jeremy bites Aimee a third time and takes on a new servant…or you can accept that I’m happy to score a point against the others—you’re the one who said I was different from them—and we can go after your roommate. Which would you honestly prefer? Because, y’know, I’m a philosophy grad student, I live for debates like this.” He snickered. “At least I used to. Now I un-die for them.”

  “Gahh.” I closed my eyes on his smug expression. “I really hate this.”

  “You were the one who came after me, Amanda. I was just sitting minding my own business in my favorite café, bothering nobody, just—”

  “Fine!” I said. “Fine. But I don’t trust you.”

  “You’re the one who did the research,” he said, and straightened away from the lamppost with a jaunty hop. “I wouldn’t trust me, either. This way.” He headed off, into the university campus.

  There was a deep blanket of snow covering the field across from the Union building. We trudged through it without speaking. It was only when Staggs pushed open the door of the tall building on the other side of the field, letting out a deafening blur of sound, that I wrested my gritted teeth apart to speak again.

  “Jeremy takes his dates to the music practice building to make out?”

  Staggs snorted. “Good one, Amanda. No, our Jer’s a bit too smooth for that.” The door swung shut behind us, and he leapt straight down the first six steps of the staircase leading to the basement, where the sounds of a hundred competing musical instruments were coming from. I waited at the top of the stairs, wincing at the cacophony.

  “Then what are we doing here?”

  Staggs paused on the next landing down. “This is how we get to the council.”

  I stared at him. “The vampire council?!”

  Three girls pushed past me, holding flute cases. They didn’t say anything, but their faces were pink from the effort of holding back their reaction. As soon as they turned out of sight on the stairs, their giggles burst out, floating through the air back to me. They probably thought I was insane.

  Staggs just gave me a thumbs-up sign. “Got it,” he said. “They’re the only ones who can stop Jeremy. So come on!”

  This was a really, really bad idea.

  The door at the bottom of the stairs led us into a maze of white corridors lined with tiny, windowed practice rooms like cells in a beehive. Every room we passed had a piano in it, and every room had a person in it, too, looking either intent or purely miserable as they played one of a variety of instruments with total dedication, despite the fact that it was ten o’clock on the most popular bar-hopping night of the week. Obviously, the music professors had all of their students enslaved as surely as any of the vampires’ servants.

  I didn’t have much time to think about it, though, because at the end of the second corridor, Staggs pulled out a key and unlocked the first door I’d seen that didn’t have a window in it. This door was wooden and solid, without so much as a sign on it, and it swung open to reveal a new corridor—not white this time, but lined with a darker wood and carved with the same weird symbols I’d seen in the staircase leading down to the vampire’s bar. It was, of course, completely unlit.

  Great. The door closed behind us, shutting out the bright white light of the practice building. I said,

  “And how exactly am I supposed to get through here?”

  Staggs snickered. He was closer to me than I’d realized, his cold breath brushing against my cheek. “You can hold my hand, if you want.”

  “No, thank you.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my bulky key ring. It only took a few fumbles before I managed to press the button on the mini-flashlight that hung off it. A thin beam of light pierced the darkness ahead.

  Staggs stepped away from me. “Quite the girl scout. Or is it only the boy scouts who are supposed to be prepared?”

  “It’s a good key ring,” I said. “My parents gave it to me when I left home. It’s even got a Swiss Army knife on it.”

  “Everything you could ever need, then.” He stuck his hands in his jeans pockets and stalked forward. “I wouldn’t count on a Swiss army knife stopping our Jeremy, though.”

  “Good to know,” I said, and rolled my eyes as I followed him down the dark corridor.

  We walked the next few minutes in silence, as the corridor wove around various turns. I was trying to track where we were—maybe somewhere underneath the university library?—when the corridor finally ended in a big, black door. Completely black: it was made of what looked like pure onyx, shiny even in the pale glow of the flashlight. Vampires can be so dramatic. I wished my heart weren’t speeding up in reaction. My breath shortened in my chest.

  Staggs lifted his hand to knock.

  I couldn’t do it.

  “Wait!” I put one hand on his thin arm to stop him. “Look…” I hated how breathy my voice sounded, like some horror movie heroine. He obviously liked it, though; his lips curved in a smile as he turned back to me. “Is there any other way to get to Jeremy? Because seriously, it would be a much better idea for everybody if—”

  The door swung open.

  “Did someone say my name?” said the vampire on the other side of it.

  Highlighted by the mellow glow of a dozen fat candles inside the room, his hair was a thick, soft blonde, the kind I immediately wanted to run my hands through; his über-preppy sweater and jeans came straight out of a J. Crew catalogue, the kind Aimee always sighed over; and even as I thought that, I spotted my roommate just past him, tied up and gagged against the pitch-black wall, her big, blue eyes filled with terror.

  Hell. I really couldn’t turn back after all.

  Resigned, I pushed past Jeremy, who fell back, looking surprised. “Um…” he began, and then looked past me at Staggs. His voice sharpened. “Hey. What do you think you’re doing here?”

  I was already scoping out the diamond-shaped room and the six vampires spread out around it in various poses of coolness, disdain, and perfect style, like a collection of New York models caught in mid-photo shoot. But I heard Staggs answer,

  “I’ve brought you guys a gift.”

  Aha. And there was his motivation, finally figured out.

  I turned, feeling all six gazes focus on me as the vampires around me straightened into predatory interest. My eyes met Staggs’s. “So much for helping me because you liked my paper, huh?”

  He shrugged. “I did like your paper. That’s why I thought it wouldn’t hurt to have you around here for another forty years or so. I don’
t get to talk to that many smart people, especially in this community.”

  I heard a hiss behind me; next to Staggs, Jeremy’s perfect features tightened in irritation.

  “Ah,” I said. “And that charming attitude of yours would be why the other vampires haven’t been hanging out with you lately? Is that why you need to bribe them with a gift?”

  The female vampire behind me laughed, a tinkling sound that grated against every single nerve ending in my body. I had to tighten my spine to keep from turning around as I felt her edge closer.

  Jeremy said, “So, you’ve noticed what a little pain he is, too?” He started toward me, his brown eyes warming. My legs wanted to go rubbery in reaction. I wouldn’t let them. “You obviously have good taste,” he said, “whoever you are…”

  “Amanda,” Staggs said to Jeremy. “Her name is Amanda. She’s from the middle of Nowhere, Northern Michigan. Her parents are wackos who won’t be able to talk anyone into making a fuss…and she came to me tonight, because she’d figured out what was happening with her roommate over there.” Staggs jerked his head at Aimee, who was crying silently against the wall. “Amanda already knew all about us. She’s smart, and she knows how to do her research. I know you didn’t think much of the last few I brought you—”

  “The last thing we needed in our group were more geeks like you,” Jeremy said, and his chiseled lips lifted in a frat-boy sneer. “They were barely worth using as servants.”

  Staggs scowled. “Well, believe me, this one’s worth it.”

  “You know, I think you might actually be right this time.” Jeremy walked a slow circle around me. His voice melted into my senses like chocolate. “She’d need a few tips on her dress sense, of course—”

  “Obviously,” Staggs said.

  I stared at his ripped jeans. “I beg your pardon?”

  Jeremy laughed. “Yeah, she’s cute.” He leaned in to sniff my neck, and I closed my eyes against the cloud of pure pheromones. “I vote yes.” He stepped back, looking at the others. “Well?”

  “Why not?” said the woman behind me. “But I want to be the one to change her.”

  “I don’t think so,” said Jeremy. He put one hand on my shoulder, lightly possessive.

  Staggs said, “Hey, I’m the one who brought her in! Shouldn’t I get to—?”

  “Staggs!” I said sharply. “You don’t want to do this.”

  “Yes, I do,” he said.

  “No, you don’t.” I reached inside my leather jacket, sliding my fingers toward the inner pocket. “Just help me get out, and I’ll—”

  They were all laughing now.

  “Sweetheart,” Jeremy purred, and stroked my cheek. “There is no way out.”

  “Oh, is she going to try to fight us off now?” the woman behind me said. “This should be fun. Staggs did say she had done her research…”

  “Funny thing about that, Amanda,” Staggs said. He was grinning so hard, his little goatee actually quivered with his amusement. “All those stories about stakes and garlic and holy water? Total crap, all of them. Garlic might have worked to hold off English vampires, I guess, just because they didn’t like the taste…”

  “My favorite flavor,” the vampiress behind me murmured, stepping closer.

  “Holy water only works on vampires with a serious case of Catholic guilt…”

  “Not a problem for me,” Jeremy said, and smiled into my eyes.

  “And stakes?” Staggs shrugged. “Trust me, that’s not something you even want to try. It would just be embarrassing. Think about it. You might have read up on Dracula or watched some Buffy as research, but do you really think you could try shoving some crazy, heavy wooden stake all the way through a pair of ribs and manage to aim it directly into a human heart on the first go?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

  “You’re right,” I said, and I looked him straight in the eye. “The only way it could ever work was if a person had spent her entire life being trained to do it perfectly. Which would be crazy, right? I mean, her parents would have to be complete wackos, wouldn’t they?”

  He blinked. “Well…”

  “I told you there’s a lot of room for different belief systems up North,” I said.

  And I pulled out my stake from my pocket.

  * * * *

  I really, really hated doing exactly what my parents had wanted when they'd sent me down to East Lansing for college. I’d been so determined to ignore the vampires and just be a normal student.

  If the vampires had ignored me back, it might have worked.

  I wiped off the stake before I untied the ropes and gags that bound Aimee. There were only two bites on her neck; they must have been saving the third for the end of the evening’s entertainment.

  She was shaking so hard, I had to hold her up. We moved across the room at turtle speed. She let out a girly little scream when her high-heeled boots brushed against the cloud of dust that used to be Jeremy.

  “Next time,” I said, “please try to pick out a guy who at least has a heartbeat, okay?”

  She glared at me, her lips trembling. “You are such a freak, Amanda.”

  So. At least our roommate relationship hadn’t changed.

  Hey, if I was really lucky, maybe she would be the one Housing assigned away to another room, whenever a vacancy finally opened up. I really wouldn’t mind having a single for a while.

  I paused before I closed the door on the diamond-shaped room that had once held the vampire council of East Lansing. The last pile of dust had a single blond speck in the middle—a fleck of hair from Staggs’ goatee.

  Thank goodness for small mercies, my grandma always said, after she’d retired from her own hunting days.

  Tomorrow was a Thursday, but for once I would be able to sleep in.

  My philosophy class was definitely canceled.

  ###

  If you enjoyed what you read…

  Then meet the irrepressible Kat Stephenson:

  In twelve-year-old Kat’s Regency England, magic is the greatest scandal of all … but that’s not going to stop her when there are sinister aristocrats to defeat, highwaymen to foil, and true loves to capture for her older sisters.

  The first two novels in Stephanie Burgis’s trilogy of lighthearted fantasy adventures are available now from Simon and Schuster (US) and Templar (UK).

  Kat, Incorrigible (US title) / A Most Improper Magick (UK title)

  Available as an ebook and paperback in the US and UK.

  Read the first three chapters now.

  Renegade Magic (US title) / A Tangle of Magicks (UK title)

  Available as an ebook and hardcover in the US.

  Available as an ebook and paperback in the UK.

  Read the first three chapters now.

  Reviews

  “Matchmaking and spellcraft come alive in this breezy, delightful romp through Regency England that will appeal to fans of spunky heroines and British romances.”

  - Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books (on Kat, Incorrigible)

  “Mysterious, adventurous and absolutely hilarious.”

  - Sai Vishudhi, The Guardian - Children’s Book Website (on Kat, Incorrigible)

  “Regency romance meets Harry Potter with a strong jolt of twenty-first-century feminism... The lovely details — Roman baths, detailed costumes, and the seamy underside of Oxford student life — will have readers swooning all over again.”

  - Booklist (on Renegade Magic)

  About Stephanie Burgis

  Stephanie Burgis grew up in East Lansing, Michigan, but now she lives in Wales with her husband (fellow writer Patrick Samphire), their son, and their crazy-sweet border collie mix. If she isn't visiting one of the local castles right now with her son, she's probably drinking a latte at her favorite coffeeshop, blogging, or devouring a book.

  She has published nearly thirty short stories for adults and two novels for ages ten and up. You can find out more about her, find links to other short stories, and read the
first three chapters of her first two novels at her website: http://www.stephanieburgis.com.

  Undead Philosophy 101 was first published in December Lights Project, December 2010.

  The Copyright Stuff

  Undead Philosophy 101 is copyright Stephanie Burgis Samphire, 2010. This ebook edition is copyright Stephanie Burgis Samphire, 2012.

  This ebook is provided DRM-free, but please don’t distribute it without permission of the author.

  Why not?

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  If you received this ebook free from someone and you liked it, please consider buying a legitimate copy of the story through one of the usual channels, to show your support.

  Thanks!