by Peter Nelson
Eldon stopped at a doorway and allowed Jordan to enter. It was a laboratory. Tubes, vials, and beakers were spread out over a long lab table. At the far end of the room a few kids in goggles and lab coats were gathered around a hole dug in the dirt floor. One of them climbed out of the hole holding a large soup ladle filled with a clump of damp soil. He turned to the end of the table and plopped it into what looked to Jordan like a clunky waffle iron. The iron clamped down on the clump of muck. Steam seeped out the sides as it squeezed the lump until—bing! The lab-coat kids leaned in closely and peered at a thin, glass tube connected to the bottom of the muck squeezer. A small amount of brownish liquid trickled through the tube. As it slowly made its way along a series of vials and beakers on the long table, the lab-coat kids followed it, manning the labyrinth of tubes, filters, and flames.
By the time the liquid reached the other end of the table, the few drops squeezed from the clump of mud had been boiled and purified into a single, tiny crystal droplet. It dripped off the end of the last glass tube like clear syrup, landing in a waiting tiny little bottle with a faint . . . ploink!
“Yaaaaaaaayyyy!” The lab-coat kids burst into cheers and hugged one another as if they’d just landed the first Skunk Ape on the moon. Once the celebration subsided, they scurried back over to the hole at the other end of the room where another kid took the ladle and descended into the hole.
“What’s going on?” Jordan whispered, turning back to the tiny bottle. “What is that?”
“A purified elixir. Your grandfather discovered a unique nutrient in the soil of the Okeeyuckachokee. We figured out how to refine it into a sort of medicine. We use it to protect the cryptids, to keep them healthy, happy, and hidden.”
“It’s such a small amount. How can it possibly help such giant creatures?”
Eldon led Jordan through a gigantic vaulted door. The walls rose up high above him, and were filled entirely with tiny cubbyholes. In each slot was a tiny bottle of the elixir, sparkling like diamonds embedded in the walls of a mine.
“Whoa,” Jordan said. “It must’ve taken years to fill all of these!”
“Don’t forget distribution. Once a year they’re delivered to Creature Keepers all over the world. Kinda like Santa Claus. You still believe in Santa, don’t you?”
“At this point, I’d say anything’s possible.” Jordan stared up at the sparkling walls of elixir, rising as high as he could see. His question from before was still burning in his mind. “Eldon,” he finally said. “You said you brought me here to see how much Grimsley I had in me. But tell me the truth—why are you showing me all of this?”
“Because you are a Grimsley,” Eldon said. “And we Creature Keepers need your help.”
10
Jordan followed Eldon along torch-lit halls that steadily grew longer and more twisting, as if dug by a giant earthworm with a horrible sense of direction and design. There were steep inclines Jordan climbed with the help of roots jutting out of the packed dirt walls, followed by sudden dips that he had to slide down on his butt.
After a while, he wasn’t sure if they’d gone deeper underground or had climbed closer to the surface. But he was very glad to be done walking through the creepy obstacle course as they reached a door marked: CRISIS ROOM—TOP SECRET!
Jordan glanced at Eldon. “I thought this whole place was top secret.”
Eldon opened the door and gestured for Jordan to enter. “Think of this as top secret within top secret.”
The room was long and narrow, with a rounded ceiling and just enough space for a wooden conference table and surrounding chairs. Bernard was stuffed into one of the chairs, sitting quietly with a notepad and pencil. Beside him was an anxious-looking girl about Jordan’s age.
Eldon gestured for Jordan to sit down across from them, then he began. “All righty, gang. Here’s what we know—or what we think we know. A while back, Doris here received a distress radio signal from our Creature Keeper in the Scottish Highlands, Alistair MacAlister—one of the best we’ve got.”
They all looked to the girl. She nodded dutifully, then pulled out a folded-up piece of paper. She cleared her throat and began to read in her best attempt at a Scottish brogue. “Strange intruder . . . STOP. Floated away into fog . . . STOP. Musta spooked ol’ Haggis-Breath, she’s gone missing . . . STOP. Will report back as soon as I find her.” Doris looked up, concluding: “Full stop.” She folded the paper back up, popped it into her mouth, chewed a bit, and swallowed it.
They all stared at her for a moment.
“Er, top-notch work, Doris,” Eldon finally said. “Very, uh, thorough.”
“I really thought her accent brought it to life,” Bernard whispered to Jordan.
Eldon continued. “We’ve had radio silence from Loch Ness ever since.”
“Loch Ness, Scotland,” Jordan said. “Are we talking about who I think we’re talking about?”
“Nessie,” Eldon said. “Haggis-Breath is Alistair’s code name for her.”
“Whoa.”
“Only he dares call her that,” Bernard added. “She hates it, self-important diva that she is.”
“Be nice, Bernard,” Eldon said. “She could be in danger.”
“Please. You know she thinks she’s too fabulous to be cooped up and hidden from the world. She’s probably flopping around on some beach, desperate to get spotted. Trust me, there’s no reason at all for you to go check this out.”
“She wouldn’t really do that, would she?” Jordan said, trying his best to hide his amazement at all of this.
“Think about it,” Bernard said. “Ever seen pictures of her?”
“Sure. Everyone has. But I assumed they were all hoaxes.”
“That’s thanks to Alistair,” Eldon said. “Hoaxing is one of the most important responsibilities a Creature Keeper has, especially in response to a potential sighting. Pull off a few obvious, goofy-looking hoaxes, and people tend to lump the real one in with the fakes ones. Then they move on with their lives. And Alistair’s one of the best hoaxsters we’ve got.”
“He oughta be,” Bernard sneered. “He’s had to do it enough to cover her blubbery butt.”
“C’mon, she’s matured a lot,” Eldon said. “She’s taking her responsibilities much more seriously nowadays.”
“What responsibilities?” Jordan asked. “The Loch Ness Monster has responsibilities?”
Eldon turned to Jordan. “All the cryptids are special. But there are three who are especially special.” He reached over to an easel and pulled down a rolled map of the world, divided into three equal parts. “Even though their powers affect the entire planet, the Big Three are spread across three separate sections of the world—”
“Mostly because their egos could never fit in the same time zone,” Bernard scoffed.
Eldon pointed to the center section. “Zone Two, Greater Europe, is Nessie’s domain.” He pointed to the section on the left. “Zone One, covering the Americas, is Syd’s territory.”
“Syd.”
“Sasquatch,” Bernard said. “Wendigo. Nuk-Luk. Bigfoot.”
Eldon pointed to the last section of the map. “The third is Wilford’s area. The Yeti. He resides here, in Asia. Himalayan mountains, to be specific.”
“I said Nessie was a nightmare,” Bernard said. “Wilford’s unbearable.”
“A nicer word would be unsociable,” Eldon said.
“Or maybe . . . abominable?” Jordan suggested. “As in ‘snowman’? Okay. So, Nessie, Syd, and . . . Wilford. They live in different parts of the world. I got that. What are their powers?”
“Oh, that. They control water, earth, and wind,” Bernard said. “Respectively.”
“Excuse me?”
“I told you how cryptids have lived here a long time,” Eldon said. “They’ve kind of bonded with the planet—and its elements.”
“So, like, Nessie can affect the weather and stuff?”
“She keeps all the Earth’s waters in balance,” Eldon said. “So in
the highly unlikely event that something dreadful has actually happened to her, there could technically exist a slight possibility that the Earth’s oceans, tides, and currents could potentially be thrown into total and complete chaos.”
“That would be so bad,” Doris chimed in. The others had kind of forgotten she was there, and her sudden, shrill voice startled them. Doris was a bit weird.
“Yes, it would be, Doris,” Eldon said. “Thank you.”
“Listen,” Jordan said. “Just a few hours ago, like the rest of the world, I thought Bigfoot, the Yeti, and the Loch Ness Monster were a bunch of myths and hoaxes. So I know I’m new to all this, but wouldn’t a missing six-ton water lizard be a bad thing for your operation?”
“So bad,” Doris repeated.
“So why aren’t you guys at DEFCON one, or CryptoFreakout four, or whatever?”
“Quite honestly, with Alistair being a bit of an eccentric, and Nessie being a bit of a”—Eldon glanced at Bernard—“free spirit, we were hoping that no news out of Scotland was good news. Then Doris picked up a local newscast and transcribed for us a troubling turn of events.”
“Thanks, Eldon.” Doris was now speaking in a newscaster’s voice, or what she thought that should sound like. She held her papers in front of her and wore a small piece of brown yarn as a fake moustache. “And good evening. Our ‘Weird Wide World’ report tonight comes all the way from across the pond, in merry old Scotland! It seems the little lakeside towns of Inverness, Fort Augustus, and Drumnadrochit have been evacuated because of severe flooding. Now, what makes this ‘Weird Wide World’ worthy is that the lake in question is actually a loch, and the loch in question is actually—you guessed it—Loch Ness! Uh-oh! Let’s hope there aren’t any certain famous monsters causing trouble for the evacuated townsfolk up there! From all of us here at the WLVL Leisureville Local News team, I’m Truman Sinclaire. Back to you, Eldon.”
“Wow, Doris,” Eldon said. “Again, really terrific work.” Doris pulled her moustache off. Bernard burst into applause.
Eldon turned to Jordan. “Something’s fishy. People think the waters of Loch Ness are tranquil, but that’s only because Nessie has been there for centuries, keeping them that way. So I’m going to fly there and do some emergency spooring. Bernard wanted to come, but I can’t rightly fly across the Atlantic with a giant Skunk Ape as a copilot. And that’s where you come in.”
“Yes!” Jordan jumped onto the table and pumped his fist a few times. “Yes, yes, YES!” He hopped back down and hugged Doris. “Of course I’ll come with you!” He began talking faster and faster as he plotted aloud. “I’ll have to give my parents an excuse—I can make up some story. Will I need a sleeping bag? Do you want me to steal my dad’s car? Hey! Can I drive?” He stopped and looked at them with a crazy grin. “I can’t believe this! I’m gonna help you guys find the Loch Ness Monster!”
Jordan suddenly felt a familiar weight on his shoulder as Bernard’s paw gently pushed him back down into his chair. “Calm down, junior,” he said. “He just wants you to babysit me.”
Jordan looked up. The grin on his face faded as Eldon handed him an old, worn-out book. The cover read, Raising and Caring for Your Skunk Ape.
“I need someone to keep watch over my creature while I’m gone. It’s a rare and sacred request, and I’m proud to ask it of the grandson of George Grimsley. Will you accept?”
Jordan was stunned. “Why me? This place is crawling with kids who could watch him. . . .”
“But you’re the only one who has your grandfather’s heart. His spirit. His—”
“You’ve got his name,” Bernard said. “I told him the only way I’d agree to be left behind was if he recruited an actual Grimsley to stay with me. I never thought he’d find a way to do it.”
Eldon gave Jordan a sheepish smile. “I sure as shootin’ didn’t, either. I was desperate, so I’m afraid I sent a letter to your father, letting him know that he had rights to the old house.”
“Wait. You’re C. E. Noodlepen?” Jordan said.
“It’s not in the Badger Ranger code to pass oneself off as someone else, but in this case it was an emergency. Also, I was technically doing a community service, since your father was unaware that the deed had been left to him. The time constraint I totally made up to get you down here quickly.”
“But C. E. Noodlepen? Where’d you come up with the name?”
“It’s an anagram. For my own name. I just rearranged the letters.”
They all sat in silence, jumbling the letters in their heads. Bernard wrote down both Eldon Pecone and CE Noodlepen on his notepad. A moment later, they had all figured it out, more or less at the same time.
“Aah. Right. Okay,” they all said.
“You sneaky little badger,” Jordan added.
“It got you here, and so I’m happy I did it. And now I’m hoping you’ll run the lemonade stand for me and take care of my Skunk Ape.”
“Pff.” Bernard pouted. “I do not need a babysitter.”
“This from the cryptid who just the other day went out wandering around in broad daylight, only to get hit by a car.”
Jordan swallowed hard as Eldon winked at him. He decided it best to pretend to act surprised. “What? No way. Drivers nowadays!”
“Please,” Bernard scoffed again. “They were dim-witted humans. Probably thought I was a bear or something. Besides, it was just a scratch.”
“You see what I have to deal with?” Eldon said. “Honest to goodness, Jordan, he’s such a stubborn brat, I wouldn’t blame you if you said no. Of course, I really hope you’ll say yes.”
Jordan looked at them. He broke into a wide grin. “Are you kidding? I’m in!”
11
The tiny elevator creaked with every pull as Bernard tugged a rope running through the center of the rickety wooden box. Jordan and Eldon were stuffed up against him, and Jordan strained to look past the Skunk Ape’s smelly armpit through the hole at the top, hoping to catch a glimpse of a pulley or some sign of the top of the elevator shaft. All he saw was darkness.
“Are you sure this thing is safe?” Jordan asked Bernard.
“Of course. It’s old, but strong, reliable—and doesn’t need tending to. Just like me.”
At the top, Eldon opened the door and stepped off. Jordan followed, happy to be out of the tiny death trap. “Although I insist that I don’t need your supervision,” Bernard said, “it has been a pleasure meeting you, and I suppose we’ll be seeing each other again soon.” He took his paw off the rope to shake Jordan’s hand and—WHOOSH!—the car and its oversized cargo dropped, disappearing down the shaft. Jordan and Eldon heard a CRUNCH! that echoed up the dark shaft, followed by Bernard’s voice. “I’m okay . . . !”
“Yeah,” Eldon said sarcastically. “He doesn’t need anyone to watch him.”
Eldon and Jordan approached a door with a knothole above it, which let in a stream of sunlight. Eldon peeked out the hole, then swung open the door. The thick tangle of overgrown vines told Jordan they were back on swamp level.
“Are you coming back to Waning Acres?” Jordan asked.
Eldon shook his head. “I have to stay here and prepare for my trip tomorrow. I’m leaving first thing in the morning. But if you walk straight in that direction, you’ll reach the wall. Okay?”
Jordan nodded, and Eldon handed him something. “In case you lose your way.” It was a clear crystal or glass ring, with a small red bead on top. “If you press the center, it emits an olfactory signal into the air. Bernard will receive it, and he’ll come find you, wherever you are. But I really don’t like to give Bernard a reason to wander, so please use it only if you’re lost, or about to be eaten, or something like that.”
“So it’s kinda like Skunk Ape GPS.”
“You’re off by two letters.”
Jordan studied the ring closely. It was smooth and see-through, with a Creature Keeper insignia etched into it, along with the letters GJG. Jordan looked up at Eldon. “This was my grandfather’
s.”
Eldon smiled. “He was Bernard’s original Keeper. It makes sense that you should have it.”
Jordan slipped it on his finger. “I won’t let you down,” he said.
“I know. And I’m sorry this isn’t the big adventure you’d hoped it was. But being a Creature Keeper isn’t about big adventures. We do little stuff, for a bigger cause. Remember the three Hs on our banner: Helping, Hiding and—most importantly—Hoaxing. The greatest skill a Creature Keeper has. To pull off a just-fake-enough-looking hoax makes humans think what they saw wasn’t real, that it was another human playing a trick on them. That seems like a small and silly thing, but without skilled hoaxsters, the cryptids would’ve been discovered long ago.”
“Thank you.” Jordan turned and walked a few yards away from the tree trunk, but was still under the long branches of the great lemon tree when Eldon’s voice stopped him.
“Oh, one more thing you’ll need. Hold out your hands.” Eldon reached up and thumped a low-hanging branch with his fist. A half dozen lemons fell out of the tree directly above Jordan, landing in his open arms. “Remember to run my lemonade stand while I’m gone, will ya? The folks in Waning Acres need a glass a day or they get cranky. Badger’s honor?”
Jordan looked up from his armful of lemons and smiled. “Badger’s honor,” he said.
12
Jordan was so excited he couldn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling, listening to the swamp sounds drift through his bedroom window. Somehow they didn’t sound as strange and alien to him as they did before. They seemed to be calling out to him now, like a chorus of friends.
