If I close my eyes I can see her face, smiling, laughing and tossing her hair back. I can hear her whispering my name and telling me how good I make her feel. I can see the sadness and fear wash over her as she hears the words I longed to tell her. Those last few moments at the wedding were spectacular. I held her in my arms and all felt right in the world. I knew at that precise instant that she was the one for me. The one I would trade in everything for. The one who would change my life. I know I will never want another woman like I want her and she left me. She ran. She doesn’t love me. She can’t.
I lie back in the sand and gaze at the sky, wondering if she is okay. I would run to her if I could. I would ease her pain if she would let me. I would kiss away her fears if she would just let me in. I would do whatever she wanted and needed me to do to be with her. It’s all I want.
I’m startled when a tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek. I’ve never cried for a woman. I’ve never cried for any reason. It just feels so unfair to finally meet someone I can love and not be able to. It’s like peeking into paradise and then having the door slammed shut in your face. I’m so fucked.
I stand and brush the sand off my tux. I need to face the reality of the situation and that is Mackenzie doesn’t love me. She can’t. The words keep playing over and over in my head, taunting me.
I’m sorry, Brayden. I don’t. I can’t.
Those words sting like pouring alcohol over a fresh wound. I walk back to my car, knowing that I have to let her go. I could chase her and look like a fool. I could ruin my career and hers, too. I could make a scene and force her to talk to me, but I won’t. She made her decision. I will let her go.
I have to.
Lying on my bathroom floor, I hear my phone buzzing and ringing. I fear it’s Brayden trying to get me to talk to him. I crawl to my bedroom and strip off my ruined dress. It’s just as well the dress is useless now. So is its owner.
I’m spent. I have no more tears, no more feelings. No ability to fight for what I know deep inside I need. No strength to dial his number and beg him to come to me. There is nothing left of me.
I walk into my living room and take my phone out of my purse. I see a missed call from Tony and a text from Brayden. As soon as I see his name on the little screen, my heart surges with pain. I clutch the phone and go back to my bedroom, throwing myself in the bed. It was wrong of me to leave without telling anyone. I want to text him and say I’m okay, but that’s a lie. I’m not okay. Not even close. I’ve never been okay.
I read the text again and then again ten minutes later. I read it over and over as if they are the last words of his I will ever have. I start scrolling through all the texts he has sent me, and surprisingly, a smile crosses my lips.
No one has ever treated me like Brayden did. I’ve never felt like I do with him. My heart soars when he walks in a room. Right now, I feel like I’m free falling and will hit the ground any minute, shattering into a million pieces. I failed him. I failed me.
The right thing to do is text him so at a minimum he knows I’m not dead. At least not literally. Figuratively is another thing altogether.
Me: I am home. I can’t talk right now. I’m sorry. Please believe me.
I quickly turn off my phone so I don’t have to read his response. If there is one. The only thing I can do right now is try to prevent my descent into the hell that ruled my life until my aunt stepped in and saved me. This is so much bigger than what I’ve done to Brayden. This is me trying not to trigger the cycle of self-inflicted pain that I’m so good at. I need help. I already know I can’t do it alone. That theory has been proven time and time again.
I close my eyes, squeezing them tight. I hope somehow Brayden knows how he touched my life, how he brought this broken girl a little bit of happiness. I hope he knows deep down inside he has my heart and he is the only one who ever has. I hope he knows.
Morning comes but I am still blanketed in darkness. The sun tries to push its way into my home, but I won’t let it. No, sunshine, you don’t belong here. Go find someone who deserves you. I close the drapes as tightly as possible.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I stare at the floor and wonder what I should do next, even though I already know the answer. The thought of turning my phone back on makes me sick to my stomach, but it’s my only extension to the outside world. I refuse to leave my house and I know I need to find a way to do that before tomorrow morning shows up. I have to go to work. Have to.
I glance at the phone sitting innocently on the nightstand. Exhaling deeply, I pick it up and stare at the black screen. I push the button to turn it back on and wait. I realize with sudden clarity that while I’m scared to see a message from Brayden, I hope will all my heart there is one. The phone finishes loading and I see no text messages. Nothing.
I dial my aunt’s number on the verge of tears. This is likely the last call she would be expecting to get from me, but she always said when I needed to call her I should.
“Hello?” she answers.
“Auntie, it’s me.”
“Mackenzie?”
“Yes.” Tears begin to stream down my face and I’m surprised there are any left.
“What’s the matter?”
“I did it again. I made it happen.”
“Oh, dear. Okay. Where are you?”
“At my house.”
“I’m coming over.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Okay.”
I hang up and throw myself against the bed again. I thought I would never let myself go to this place again, but my failure has made it all too unbearable. I know it won’t solve anything, but my sickness won’t release me.
I shower quickly and braid my hair before throwing on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater. I walk past my kitchen as though a monster lives in it. I can’t bring myself to go in there, not even for a cup of water. Without help, I’ll never go in there again.
My doorbell rings and I look through the peephole to make sure it’s my aunt. When I see her face, I open the door and just walk back to the couch.
“Mackenzie, sweetheart.” My Aunt Maureen rushes to my side and wraps her arms around me. “It’s gonna be okay.”
I lay my head on her shoulder and sob like a child who lost her favorite doll. “It’s not okay. I ruined everything.”
“Shush, now, tell me what happened.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. It’s too painful.”
“You know you can tell me anything. I am only here to help.”
I look up at the kind face smiling back at me. This woman has been the closest thing to a mother I have known since I was ten years old. In spite of all the hell I put her through, she has always been there for me.
“I broke someone’s heart,” I whimper softly. “Someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
“Okay. Tell me more.”
“I can’t. I’m so ashamed. It’s the same old problem over and over again.”
“Is that why you made yourself throw up?”
“Yes. I didn’t know how to deal with the pain.”
“How many times have you done it?”
“Just once last night, but…”
“Yes?”
“I can’t go in there.” I point to the kitchen. “I’m scared, Auntie. I don’t want to go to that place again.”
“Okay. Let’s start by getting you some coffee. We’ll sip it slowly and talk about what happened that led to this.”
I nod my head. “Okay.”
I watch my aunt stand and walk to the kitchen. I can hear her go through the motions to make coffee, but I can’t bring myself to go in there and help her. Not yet. When she returns, she hands me a mug full of steaming liquid and watches me take a sip. It feels good on the raw flesh of my throat.
“Are you ready?” she asks.
I nod and begin to tell my sad story. She listens attentively and strokes my hand as I speak. Every so often she hands me a new tis
sue to wipe my nose. I tell her everything, from the moment I met him to last night when I ran.
“Why did you run, Mackenzie?”
“I don’t know. I just got so scared. You know how I feel about relationships.”
“Don’t you ever want to prove your theory wrong?”
“What if I’m not wrong?”
“That is a chance you take. Life is full of chances.”
“I’m so scared.”
“I see that. What we need to do right now is make sure you don’t fall back into old habits. You were distraught last night and did something out of desperation, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it again. I’m here now and we’ll get you through this.”
“Okay.”
“I’m going to make you something to eat.”
“I’m too tired. I didn’t sleep all night.”
“You can eat and then you can go take a nap. I’ll be here the whole time.”
“Okay.”
“How about a nice bowl of soup?”
“I’ll try.”
“I’ll be right back.”
She leaves me and I have to do everything in my power not to run away again. I don’t want to eat. I don’t deserve nourishment. I glance at my phone again and will it to ring, but of course it doesn’t. Brayden gave up on me. I know he did and why wouldn’t he? I’ve been nothing but trouble for him. An angry sob rises to the top of my throat and without thinking I grab the small crystal bowl sitting on the coffee table and throw it across the room, watching it shatter against the wall.
My aunt rushes back into the room. “Are you okay?” she asks, eyeing the broken glass on the floor.
“I’m angry.”
“That’s good.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. Get it out. Why are you angry?”
“Because I’m broken and stupid. I let a good guy go because I’m so fucked up.”
“You aren’t those things, Mackenzie. You believe you are those things. He obviously saw something in you that is so much more than the difficult past you had. He fell in love with you for you.”
“He doesn’t know about those things. I wouldn’t tell him.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t like people feeling sorry for me.”
“Why do you assume that is how he would feel? Maybe he would understand you better and love you even more.”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s why you’re angry. You didn’t give yourself a chance and you didn’t give him the opportunity to love you completely. You’re angry because you ran.”
I release another tsunami of tears as my aunt sits next to me and rubs my back. She’s right. I’m angry over what could have been.
“I’ll be right back with your soup.”
I wipe the tears from my face and blow my nose. I need to get it together. I have no right to be so sad when I’m the one who caused it. He didn’t reject me. No, it was the other way around.
My aunt returns moments later and hands me the soup. I stare at it for a moment, like it’s going to jump out and strangle me. I hate food. I love food. I use food. And right now, I don’t want anything to do with it.
I bring the spoon to my lips and slurp it in. I have to admit it feels good. I eat it all, knowing my aunt won’t give up until I do.
“Do you want more?” she asks.
“No.”
“Okay, why don’t you go lie down? I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“I know.” I stand and begin to walk away. “Thank you for coming here. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“You did the right thing.”
I climb into bed and pull the covers up around my neck, praying for relief from my tormented thoughts. Every time I close my eyes I see the image that burns in my mind.
Brayden.
The alarm goes off and I stare at the ceiling. The last place I want to go today is Capella. I cannot bear to see her face- aloof, expressionless and unloving. I can’t do it. I don’t know how I will avoid her today, but I will. There is no choice.
I stare at my phone and her text message to me. At least I know she made it home. I didn’t respond. I can’t.
Climbing out of bed, I walk in the bathroom and start the shower. I don’t even want to look in the mirror and see the man standing there. I already know I look like shit. I shower slowly, letting the steamy hot water attempt to awaken my senses, although I know it’s useless. Nothing could take away the pain I feel right now.
I dress and finish my hair. I’m going through the motions simply because what choice is there? I can’t just stop going to work. I have to keep doing my job, and maybe, it will be distraction enough. At least until I have to come back here again. Alone.
I grab my keys and walk sullenly out the door to work. When I arrive, I go straight to my floor, avoiding my team entirely. When the elevators doors open, I see a woman sitting in Macy’s desk and then I remember the temp admin I have until she returns from her honeymoon.
“Good morning, Mr. James,” she says when she sees me. “I’m Catherine.”
“Hello. Did you print my calendar?” I get straight to business, being in no mood for niceties.
“I did. It’s on your desk. Macy said you like coffee from downstairs. Would you like me to get you one?”
“No. I don’t want any calls or interruptions this morning, please.”
“Of course.”
I walk in my office and shut my door before sinking down into my leather chair at my desk. Just knowing I’m in the same building with her makes every nerve in my body shake. I want to go to her and see her face. I want to see the look in her eyes when she sees me. I want to know why.
I won’t go, though. No way. I will not humiliate myself any further for her. I’m done with that. If she doesn’t want me, then that’s fine. Someone else will. Lots of women have been in love with me before. I don’t need to wait around for Mackenzie Reed. I’ve got plenty of other things I can do. I could call ten women today and sleep with anyone I want tonight. I just wish I wanted to. I wish I never met that girl.
My phone buzzes and it’s Catherine. “Mr. James, I know you said no interruptions but-”
“But nothing. No exceptions.” My heart races, wondering if she is on the other side of this door.
“Matt is here and he said it’s really important.”
“Not. Now.”
“Okay.”
The intercom is silent for a moment, but then buzzes again. “He’s very insistent.”
“Five minutes, boss,” I hear Matt say.
I sigh. What the fuck could be so important? “Fine,” I respond. “Five minutes.”
Matt comes in and stares at me for a moment.
“What?” I ask.
“Something is going on.”
“With?”
“Mackenzie.” The word feels like a dagger stabbing my heart.
“Okay.”
“She told me she doesn’t want to work on the Majestic campaign anymore. She wants to give it to me.”
“So.”
“So, that’s her baby. They wanted her and you and that’s it. We’ll lose that account if Mackenzie bails.”
“Tell her that it’s not an option. It’s her account and she is expected to handle it accordingly. Unless, of course, she wants a demotion.”
“Are you serious? Demote her? She’s a rock star.”
“Not if she isn’t fulfilling her duties.”
“Why does she want to give up the account?”
“How the fuck would I know, Matt? She obviously didn’t ask my permission.”
“Okay,” Matt says, raising his hands. “It just seems weird.”
“I don’t know anything that Mackenzie thinks. If you want to know, you’ll have to ask her.”
“I think you should talk to her. Maybe try to reason with her.”
“That’s not going to happen. I have my own work to do. You’ll have to manage your own team.”
�
�Damn, Brayden, what the hell’s gotten into you?”
I glare at him. “It isn’t my job to deal with poorly behaving reps on your team. If you want me to deal with Mackenzie, she’ll be working in the mailroom by the time I’m done with her.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary.”
“Good. Then handle it. Are we done now?”
“Yep.”
I look back at my computer without saying another word. Matt leaves and I take a deep breath. Mackenzie is doing the wrong thing. She can’t let her responsibilities slide. She always said that her professional integrity would remain intact regardless of whether her feelings for me were positive or negative. Apparently, that wasn’t true.
An hour goes by and I hear a commotion outside my office. I freeze as I realize it’s Mackenzie.
“You can’t go in there,” Catherine says. “He said no visitors today.”
“I don’t care. I’m going in,” Mackenzie replies.
“Please, don’t.”
Clearly, Catherine is no match for Mackenzie Reed and my door flies open then slams just as quickly.
“Demote me?! How dare you!”
“Get out of my office, Mackenzie.”
“You bastard. Is this your way of hurting me? I have done nothing but positive things for this firm since I got here. How can you go spouting off shit about me not living up to my responsibilities?”
“I said leave. I’m not fucking kidding.” Her presence angers and excites me all at once. I want to kiss her, slam her up against the wall and fuck the shit out of her, but at the same time I want to fire her and ruin her life like she ruined mine.
“Or what?”
I walk towards her and grab her arm, probably harder than I mean to. Her eyes open wide.
“Listen to me. This is not the place to push me. Anything you have to say about work you can say to Matt. I don’t want to see you and I don’t want to talk to you. I expect you to go the fuck downstairs and do the fucking job you were hired to do and that you said you were capable of. Majestic is your account and I expect you to manage it.”
Chasing Desire Page 30
