“What?”
“A witness. I want to share my life with someone. I want to matter. When I die, I want someone to care.” I repeat the pastor’s words slowly and carefully. “When I met you, I finally began to understand what compels a man to pick just one woman. I know what it feels like to wake up and go to sleep literally sick with longing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I can’t even work right anymore. You’re my witness.”
“Brayden, please stop.”
“No, I can’t. I’ve sat here all night dying inside. I need to hold you and kiss you, but most of all I need you to know how I feel about you.”
“No, please. I’m not ready.”
“You are ready.” I kiss her and she lets me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I lean my forehead against hers and whisper. “I’m your witness. I’m your Caesar. Let me in. Let me be the man who helps heal you. I want to change the way you think about all of this stuff.”
She looks up at me as a tear trickles down her cheek.
“Kenzie…” I take her hand in mine. “I’m in love with you.”
She covers her mouth and sobs out loud. Is she sad?
“I know I’m not perfect, but I will do my best for you every day of my life. Just, please, give me another chance to love you the way I know I can.”
“Brayden…” She wipes a tear away. “I wish you hadn’t done this here. We should’ve been alone.”
“That doesn’t matter. Tell me, Kenzie, please. Do you love me?”
Mackenzie looks up at me, her eyes filled with tears, wringing her hands together. “Brayden, I’m sorry,” she stammers. “I don’t. I can’t.”
With that, she turns and practically runs away, leaving me standing there alone, with nothing but the pain of my breaking heart.
I have to get out of here. Far, far away from this place. In my panic to leave, I almost forget to get my handbag. I quickly swipe it off the table and rush to the front door. I can’t bring myself to look back in case he has decided to follow me. I don’t want to see his heartbroken face again.
I ask the front desk to call me a taxi and am told that there are several out front retained for guests who might have had too much to drink. I rush out front and get in one and ask them to take me to the beach. I can’t go home. He might follow me there. As we drive, I do my best to contain the immense emotion rising to the surface of my stoic façade. I know that I’m not as tough as I seem. I know the reasons for my defense. I know why I can’t love Brayden back, even though he deserves to be loved. Just not by me.
We arrive and I hand the driver his payment. Stepping out of the taxi, I kick off my heels and walk mindlessly along the beach, listening to the crashing waves and hoping somehow they calm my rapidly beating heart.
He loves me.
I guess deep down I knew he was falling for me. The bad boy womanizer was suddenly devoted only to me. Even after that drama with Stacey, I knew we wouldn’t stay apart. Couldn’t even if we wanted to. God knows I tried. I did everything in my power to resist him, but it didn’t work. All it took was hearing his incredibly sexy voice and seeing the longing in his eyes. I knew in my heart there was no way he cheated on me, drunk or not, but I so wanted to believe he did so I had another reason not to love him.
I wish I had never met him. I stop walking for a moment as another thought hits me. No, that isn’t true. I don’t wish I never met him. I wish I was a normal, emotionally healthy woman who could return his love. I wish I knew how to fix what is wrong with me. I wish I could run back to him now and tell him I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to hurt him.
I wish.
I can’t, though. I can’t say the words he needs to hear and what’s worse, I can’t feel the words he said to me. That’s not true. I can feel it. I just don’t want to. Anger and lust are the only emotions I’m acquainted with and the only ones I’m comfortable with.
I can’t tell him why. I’ve never told anyone why. It’s my secret and telling people would only make them pity me, treat me differently, see me in a new light. A light I don’t wish to live in. I can’t walk any further. I don’t have the strength. I collapse in the cold sand and clutch at my chest, willing it to stop throbbing from all the damage it’s had. It won’t stop, though. It never does. The pain is unending and there is only one person whose presence makes it subside, if only momentarily.
Brayden.
I let out the cry that I have held back for hours or maybe days or even more accurately, years. The only person capable of helping me heal is far away from here right now and hurt. I saw it in his eyes. The memory of that moment will haunt my dreams. As I cry, I claw at the sand as it slips through my fingers like the love I left standing in that ballroom. It’s in these painful moments my demons come out, taking me over, trying to drag me back to the darkness I lived in for so many years. I struggle to hold on to the light and the reality that I am strong enough to keep going, but am I? The light has a name now and I ran away from it.
Brayden.
I think back over the time since we met and how happy I’ve been. Truly happy. I never thought there would be anything between us but sex. I knew his reputation and I used it to my advantage, or so I thought. He wasn’t supposed to be kind and sweet and romantic. He wasn’t supposed to nurture me and care. He wasn’t supposed to ask me how I feel and gaze at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. He wasn’t supposed to make me feel like the only woman in the world. He wasn’t supposed to creep into my being, peek into my soul, and push the darkness back. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me.
We were going to be fuck buddies. We were going to join forces and rule the advertising world. We were going to have fun in bed and have lighthearted, non-meaningful banter. I didn’t plan on the flutter in my stomach every time I see him. I didn’t know that my thoughts would be consumed with him or that his laughter would soothe me. I couldn’t have imagined how safe I feel in his arms. I never expected the overwhelming desire I had to hear him say my name. How could I anticipate that his touch would rock the core of my being? He became my everything. He became my hope.
Brayden.
I wanted more time. I needed it. I knew he wanted to tell me how he was feeling and every girl should want that. Every normal girl. I’m not normal, though. I never have been.
I lie back in the sand, not caring about ruining my gown. Focusing on the rough texture of the sand that rubs against my skin, I gaze at the sky. A bright star captures my attention and I stare at it. Wiping away the tears that stream down my cheeks, I wonder what I will do now. How will I handle seeing his face or hearing his voice? Should I just leave and try to start over? I don’t know.
The day his lips uttered my childhood nickname, my heart nearly stopped. It brings back so many memories, all of them painful. I’ve never allowed it before.
Oh, but when Brayden said it, something inside of me shifted. The word came so affectionately, full of adoration and desire and now I know the other word. Love. I wanted to hear him say it again and again and each time he did I felt another stich close the gaping hole in my heart.
Kenzie.
Will he ever say it again? Will he even talk to me for any reason other than work? Does he hate me now? I deserve it if he does. This could have been an amazing night for us. We could have ended it wrapped in each other’s arms and making love until the sun came up. That won’t happen now. Because of me.
I sniff and wipe my nose. Maybe he’ll take Sydney home now and fuck her to spite me, to get me out of his head. She’ll scream out his name in ecstasy and claw his amazing skin with her nails. She’ll be blown away by his technique, wondering how she will ever find another lover more capable than him. He’ll stare at her with those deep blue eyes, pounding into her and pushing her over the brink of pleasure again and again until she has no voice left to call his name. She’ll lie there next to him, spent and happy, praying he chooses her to love.
A shiver runs through me and I don’t know if it’s cold or the knowledge that I’ve ru
ined the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve sabotaged the relationship that could have changed my life. The only man who could make me feel every range of emotion. The only man who brought a smile to my face just by saying hello. The man I think of as soon as my eyes open in the morning and the last thought at night. The man who gave me hope that, maybe one day, I could let him in and let him love me. The man who brings me to a place that scares me the most. I release another sob as I recognize the feeling that grips my heart right now. If I can’t admit it to him, I should at least be able to acknowledge my own truth.
I love Brayden. With every ounce of my soul.
The knowledge of that fact only makes my heart twist with pain. I’ve lost him. I know it. I pick myself up and walk slowly back to the street. From where I stand, I can just make out his building. Is he in there now? Is he making love to someone to erase my memory?
It’s too far to walk to my place from here, but I don’t care. I don’t deserve any comforts. I deserve to feel pain and sadness like I’ve caused in the most amazing man I’ve ever met.
I deserve this.
Arriving at my apartment after walking for miles, I look down at my torn stockings and blistered feet. Unlocking my door, I step inside and collapse in a heap on my couch, praying for relief from this pain in my heart. I look down the hallway, knowing I can do the one thing that always gives me back a sense of control. It’s been ages and I know I shouldn’t. I’ve fought it successfully for so long. Years of therapy have attempted to instill coping mechanisms. The temptation is strong, though, and I find myself walking, as if in a trance, through the dark apartment.
Flipping on the bathroom light, I stare at the reflection in the mirror, searching for recognition. I see a small girl, broken and in pain. She feels hopeless, powerless, and unable to fix the things that wrong her. There is no going back. No making things better. “You had your chance,” I whisper. “You stupid bitch. You never do anything right. You never will.”
A tear streams down my cheek as I succumb to the desire that is always there. Always taunting me. I’m not strong enough this time to push it back. Leaning over the toilet, I stick my finger down my throat and begin to purge the contents of my stomach. With each heaving thrust, I feel a little dirtier, weaker, worthless.
So it begins. Again.
I can’t believe what just happened. I’m completely stunned as I look out at the joyous wedding party occurring around me. Macy is wrapped in Simon’s arms, her head lying against his chest and they look like the two happiest people on the planet, while I stand here feeling the worst pain I’ve ever had. I thought for sure she would return my feelings. She would smile and fall into my arms and tell me she loved me, too. We would be together forever and maybe we really would do all the things people in love do. Maybe we would have a moment like Macy and Simon.
She would be my witness.
Instead, she ran away, taking all my hope and desire with her. I watched her leave the building with a look of pure fear on her face. She wasn’t happy to hear that I loved her. No, far from it. It upset her enough to run. Is being loved by me such an awful thing?
I’m not sure I can summon the strength to return to the reception. It’s the last place I want to be right now. Do I run after her? Do I force her to tell me why she is scared? Do I beg her to tell me what I can do differently? Do I just let her go and realize it wasn’t meant to be?
Kenzie.
God, just her name does something to me. I already miss her. Already feel the absence of her presence. My heart, which was bursting with emotion just moments ago, feels like it’s shriveling up with each passing minute. I look out to the dance floor and see Sydney and Tony dancing, appearing to have a good time. He doesn’t even know she’s gone. He doesn’t live for her like I do.
Kenzie.
Fuck. I knew I never should have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have given in to her charming seduction. Sure, she’s beautiful, but there are many beautiful women in the world. She wasn’t supposed to get to me. She wasn’t supposed to stir my soul or make me want something more. I wasn’t supposed to wake up every day with her name on my lips and dance with her in my arms while I slept. She wasn’t supposed to be my equal match in all things. She wasn’t supposed to make me think about weddings and love and futures. I wasn’t supposed to give up my bachelor lifestyle for her. I wasn’t supposed to want to change and be a better man for her. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love.
But I did and it sucks.
I walk back to my table and sit there, feeling pathetic. Where did she go and what should I say when everyone notices that she’s gone?
“Hey, there. Why so sad?”
I look up to see Sydney standing over me, a smile on her face. She’s been dancing nonstop. At least one of us is having a good time.
“I think I drank too much. My stomach feels upset.” It does, but not from alcohol.
“Oh, bummer. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. I might need to leave, though.”
Sydney pops her lip out in a pout. “Oh no. I’m having so much fun.”
“I can take you home,” Tony says, appearing behind her.
“Yeah?” she asks.
“Sure, as soon as I get Mackenzie- hey, where is she?”
We all look around and I pretend to be as clueless as everyone else.
“Do you know where she went?” Tony asks. “Her purse is gone.”
“No,” I say. “We were dancing and she wanted to go sit down. Not sure what happened.”
Tony pulls his phone out and dials. “No answer,” he says. “Do you think we should be worried?”
“That’s weird she would just leave,” Sydney says.
“Yes, it is.” I pull out my phone. “I’ll try texting her.”
Me: Please respond to me or Tony so they don’t put out an APB on you. All we want to know is that you are okay.
I stare at my phone for several minutes, waiting for a response and receiving nothing.
“I don’t know what to tell you guys,” I say. “She isn’t answering.” I sigh and put my phone back in my pocket. “Maybe the hotel staff saw her. I’ll go check.”
“Good idea,” Sydney says. “Do you want me to go with you?”
“No, I’m good.” I walk out to the front desk and ask the girl working there if she saw Mackenzie.
“She took a taxi somewhere.”
“Okay, thank you. We were just making sure she was okay.”
“She seemed quite upset, sir.”
“I imagine she did. Thank you.”
“Of course.”
I walk back into the ballroom and tell everyone she took a taxi home. She still hasn’t answered my text and I really don’t expect her to. I am obviously the last person she wants to talk to. I just wish I understood why.
“I’m going to leave now. You sure you don’t mind getting Sydney home?” I ask Tony.
“Not at all.”
“Okay.” I kiss Sydney’s cheek. “Thanks for coming with me tonight. Sorry to leave you.”
“Don’t be. I’m okay and I’m having fun.”
“Good. See you.”
I turn around and search the room for Macy. She’s sitting with Simon and chatting with several people. I walk over to them.
“Excuse me for interrupting,” I say. “I’m going now and just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Why are you leaving?” Macy asks.
“I’m not feeling well.”
“Oh no.” Her eyes search behind me and I know she is looking for Mac. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yes, it certainly wasn’t expected.”
Macy looks sad for me and I appreciate her concern. “It will be okay.”
“Yeah.” I kiss her cheek and shake Simon’s hand. “It was a really beautiful wedding. Have fun on your honeymoon.”
“Thanks, Brayden,” Simon says.
“I’ll see you soon,” Macy adds.
“Yep.”
I
walk outside and wait for valet to bring my car around. As I drive back home, I keep my eyes open for Mackenzie. I don’t know where she went, but I assume it was home. I know I could drive there and beat on her door and beg her to talk to me, but I won’t. I’ve humiliated myself enough for one night.
Just before I turn down my street, I make the decision to go to the beach instead. The ocean always has a healing effect on me and right now, that is what I need. It’s hard to even put into words what I feel right now and I’m thankful that I don’t have to. I can just sit on the sand, alone with my thoughts and my pain. Yes, this feeling is definitely pain.
That woman came in and turned my world upside down. This was only going to be superficial, a sexual arrangement with professional benefits. Instead she came in and stole my heart, changed how I see my own world, and made me feel like a new and better man. In her eyes, I see a man capable of loving someone with all his heart. I see a man who would give up everything for her, even my dignity. I’ve never known what love felt like, but I do now. I know that only love could cause the searing pain coursing through my soul right now.
Kenzie.
She doesn’t want me. She doesn’t love me. She can’t. What does that even mean? Why would she say she can’t love me? The rational part of me knows that can’t means she is incapable of it, but she isn’t. She already does love me. I’ve never felt like I do with her and I know it’s reciprocated. I know I didn’t imagine all those glances and meaningful looks. I know it wasn’t only me who found being apart incredibly difficult. I wasn’t alone in my constant ache for her body. I felt her deep within me and I know she felt me, too. Her laugh became a part of who I am and I live to hear it each day. I know she felt something for me. It wasn’t just sex for her. I know it. So why did she run?
I walk across the beach and sit down, letting the sand run through my fingers. I love the beach at night. It’s pitch black with nothing but the vastness of the Pacific Ocean before me. The moon reflects off the water, creating the illusion of light.
Kenzie.
I feel so alone suddenly and I don’t want to be anymore. I want her back. I want her love. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how beautiful she is. I want her to reach up and run her fingers through my hair like she does while I kiss her adorable nose. I want to watch that beautiful ass of hers sway as she walks away from me, only to return moments later. I want… her.
Chasing Desire Page 29
