Chasing Desire

by Jennifer Domenico

  Her eyes fill with tears and she looks away. Oh, really. Tears. Nice move, but it won’t work on me. Not now.

  She pulls her arm away from me. “I don’t understand why you’re being so unreasonable.”

  “You don’t understand?” I laugh sardonically. “Why don’t you take some time to think about that? Now, do as I ask and leave my office and don’t come back here.”

  “Ever?” she asks, her voice trembling.

  “Ever.” I turn and sit back at my desk. “I have nothing else to say to you. You made your feelings for me, or lack thereof, very clear. I won’t chase you, Mackenzie, and I won’t mess up my job for you. I gave you everything I had and you didn’t want it. Quite frankly, yours is the last face I want to see.”

  She stands there and for a moment I really do want to hold her. I want to smell her hair and her perfume. I want to kiss her soft skin and plump lips. I want to climb in between her legs and feel better for just a little while. I want to go back to the time when we were happy together, but that is all lost now.

  “Fine, Brayden. I guess I shouldn’t expect more than this. I deserve your rage. I’ll go now and I’ll handle my accounts as I should.”

  I say nothing. I can’t. I watch her walk out and hear her apologize to Catherine. I wait about ten minutes before I peek outside to make sure she is gone and then I approach Catherine’s desk.

  “I apologize that you’ve had to deal with this stuff this morning. It’s normally very quiet here.”

  “No problem,” she smiles. “I just didn’t want to disappoint you on my first day.”

  “You didn’t. If you can, please try to prevent any more visitors.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Thank you.”

  I go back in my office and try to bury my head in my work. But I can’t get her face out of my head. She had the nerve to be angry when really she has no right. I don’t expect anything of her that I don’t from anyone else. She isn’t special.

  I drop my head in my hands and rub my forehead. Who the fuck am I kidding? Of course she is special. She’s my witness and she doesn’t want me. My only defense to her charms is anger. It’s all I’ve got. Otherwise, I would collapse at her feet and beg her to love me back.

  When five o’clock finally shows up, I’m tempted to just leave, but realize that would be very hypocritical of me. After all, I told Mackenzie she needed to do her job, so I need to do mine. With a heavy heart, I press the down button on the elevator panel and wait. The doors open and I step on, but I feel so disconnected from my actions. I just need to get this over with. Straightening my tie, I stand a little taller as the doors open on her floor.

  I walk through the department, saying hello and getting brief updates from everyone. When I look ahead of me, I see Matt and Mackenzie huddled together at her desk and the sight makes my blood boil. I know nothing is going on. Matt is a happily married man, but the intimate moment they are sharing right now is driving me insane. I try to ignore it and walk past, but Matt looks up and sees me. It would be weird if I didn’t acknowledge my highest performing team members.

  I walk towards them, keeping my expression neutral. At least I hope so.

  “Hello,” I say. Mackenzie looks up at the sound of my voice and the look in her eyes breaks my heart all over again. “Everything cleared up from this morning?”

  Matt answers. “Yes, we talked and she has no plans to turn over any of her accounts, right, Mackenzie?”

  “Yes, that’s right,” she says softly.

  “I apologize for losing my temper earlier. I had a…” I pause, thinking of the right words to say. “A rough weekend. That said, I think it’s clear what my expectations are.”

  “It is,” Matt says.

  Mackenzie only nods her agreement.

  “Good. I’ll see you in staff tomorrow with your updates.”

  “Brayden?” Mackenzie says.

  “What?”

  “Can I walk out with you?”

  If I say no in front of Matt it will seem really strange. He will immediately wonder why I don’t want to talk to her. Mackenzie and I talk all the time, so I’d have to explain why I won’t now. She knows she has backed me into a corner.

  “It’s a free country,” is my rather immature response.

  “Be right back,” she says to Matt.

  I walk briskly to the elevator bank while Mackenzie follows behind me. Pushing the button, I pray that it’s full of people and we can’t talk, but I know better. At this time of night, the building is practically empty.

  Sure enough, the doors open to an empty car and we step on. I push the button for the ground floor and stand to the side.

  “Did you mean what you said, Brayden? That you never want to see me again?”

  “I don’t think those are the words I chose.”

  “You told me not to come to your office again.”

  “Okay.”

  “Did you mean it?”

  “Yes.”

  “I know I’ve hurt you, but-”

  “I’m fine. You were right all along. Love is nothing but trouble. People get hurt. Love is for assholes.”

  “I’ve ruined you.”

  “You’ve done nothing to me, Mackenzie.”

  “I think you’re just saying that.”

  “I don’t really give a fuck what you think.”

  She flinches at my words and sighs. “Are you going to talk to me?”

  “I am talking to you.”

  “We need to find a way to work together.”

  “That’s why you’re going to stay out of my office. I can’t have you there. I can’t…” What I want to tell her is I can’t get over her if she’s too close, if I have to smell her perfume, or hear the soft, sexy voice she uses only for me. “I don’t want to talk about anything personal.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t run away, too.”

  “What?”

  “I ran away because…”

  “Because?”

  “It’s what I do when I’m scared. I wish you wouldn’t run, too. We’ll never solve anything if we both run.”

  “I didn’t run, Mackenzie. I stood there like a fool waiting for you to turn around and tell me that you loved me.” I walk closer and press her against the wall, absorbing her closeness to me. God, I fucking miss this woman so much. “I didn’t realize that everything I felt was one sided, but I can’t make you love me. I don’t want to make you love me. I deserve more than that.”

  “You do, Brayden. You’re right.”

  “So why are we having this conversation? We’ve done well not letting people in on the relationship we had. Now that we have nothing, we should keep our distance. No sense letting the cat out of the bag now.”

  “We have nothing now?”

  “Do we?” The doors bing and open on the parking level. “Night, Mackenzie. For the record, it was awesome while it lasted.”

  I use the remote to unlock my car and get in as the elevator doors close on the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

  I go back upstairs slowly, almost in a daze. I’ve made Brayden hate me. He can barely stand to look at me and when he does, his eyes are cold. Gone is the twinkle that was always there for me. Gone is the smirk that greeted me every morning. The sweet, soft spoken man has been replaced with a hard one. When he grabbed my arm today, I was scared, if only for a few seconds. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. It was just that his rage was so shocking. I deal with my pain through my food issues. Brayden clearly deals with his through anger.

  After this last episode, I can see it’s pointless to try to talk to him. He isn’t open to hearing what I have to say, and really, what do I have to say anyway? I’m sorry? Yeah, that’s pretty lame. Back upstairs, I grab my things and walk out with Matt.

  “Boy, I’ve never seen Brayden so uptight. Was he more reasonable with you?” Matt asks.

  “Not at all.”

  “I hope whatever is bothering him passes quickly. He is no
rmally so great to work for. I’d really hate to see him turn into Charles.”

  “Why?”

  “Charles was an ass. Unfriendly, demanding, and hard to please. He found a flaw in everything you gave him. I used to watch Brayden come back from his office so pissed off, muttering how he could never please Charles. When Brayden was promoted and Charles said he was retiring, it was the best fucking day. The whole office was happy. I don’t know what’s happening to him now.”

  “Maybe the pressure is getting to him.”

  “Yeah, maybe. He used to bang interns left and right and I think that was his stress release. Now that he doesn’t do that anymore, I don’t know what he does to let off steam.”

  “Neither do I.” I cringe at the thought of Brayden whoring around with the interns all over the office. I know I should probably prepare myself for exactly that to happen next. “Hopefully he gets over it, but I’m going to stay out of his line of fire.” I only feel worse that I am the very cause of his mood shift. I wonder what Matt would think of me if he knew.

  “Good plan. See you tomorrow, Mackenzie. Glad we got things worked out with us this morning.”

  “Me, too. Sorry about that.”

  “No worries.”

  I get in my car and drive home. I don’t want to go in there. I want to be at Brayden’s. I want to lie in his warm bed and snuggle. I just want his arms around me again, but I blew it. Big time. As soon as I get inside, I call my aunt to report my progress today.

  “Hi, Auntie.”

  “Hi, Mackenzie. How did the day go?”

  “Awful in terms of dealing with Brayden. He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

  “Give him time. How was your food?”

  “I ate oatmeal for breakfast and a tuna fish sandwich for lunch.”

  “And?”

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “Okay, so that’s good. Did you want to?”

  “No. I think I was distracted by Brayden’s anger.” I stop and look around my dark apartment. “This is when it gets hard. I’m here alone with nothing but my thoughts.”

  “What are some of the things you learned in therapy that you could do tonight?”

  “Nurture myself.”

  “Okay. How will you do that?”

  “Take a bath?”

  “That sounds nice. What else?”

  “I will watch my favorite movie.”

  “Also nice. What will you do for dinner?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Mackenzie, food avoidance doesn’t work and you know it.”

  I sigh. “Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

  “The whole thing.”

  “Yes.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Good. Call me later if you need support. I’m here for you, Mackenzie.”

  “Thank god. You’re the only one.”

  “Give him time,” she repeats.

  “I have no choice.”

  I hang up and walk reluctantly into my kitchen to make the sandwich. I don’t want it, but my aunt is right. Skipping dinner tonight can trigger days of non-eating. My little technique of not eating so I don’t purge backfires quickly. The last time I did it, I was lucky I had just pulled into a parking space, right before I passed out. I shudder to think what could have happened that day.

  I sit on the couch and slowly eat the sandwich, noticing every taste and texture. It’s part of my mindfulness eating, allowing my brain to register what we are doing. I try hard to ignore the nagging voices telling me how many calories are in every bite and how fat I’m going to get and how no one will ever want a fat girl. I shake my head to try to rid myself of these evil thoughts. When I close my eyes all I can see is the ten year old girl who lost everything all at once.

  Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if people knew about my secrets. Would they understand me better? Would Brayden? I wish I could tell him, but the pain and the shame keep me silent. I already know I’ll be alone forever, so why do I even bother to try.

  I run my bath and pour the bubble bath in. Turning on some nice music, I strip my clothes off, averting my eyes from the mirror. I don’t want to pick apart everything that is wrong with me tonight and I know I will. I step in the bath, pausing for a moment because of the heat, before sinking into the bubbles. I have to remember to be kind to myself. I’m the only person who can.

  Tears start to run down my cheeks. Brayden was kind to me. He loves me. Or at least, he used to. But the emotions he demonstrated today were a far cry from love. I wonder if I will ever have the chance to tell him how I feel and why I ran. If I did get the opportunity to do it, would I tell him everything?

  Could I?

  Tomorrow marks two weeks since I ruined everything that was good in my life. Sitting at my desk, I look at the clock. It’s five to six and I’m waiting patiently for Brayden to come down and do his walk through. I live for this moment every day. For just the brief moment when he will speak to me and I can see his gorgeous face.

  We only talk now when professionally necessary. He has been a complete asshole to me and everyone around him and my heart is heavy with the knowledge that it’s my fault. He barely looks at me, but there is always that passing moment, when he says good night to me, that his eyes meet mine. I want his lips to utter his nickname for me. I want him to say that he misses me and he wants me back and we can try again. I want it as badly as I want my next breath.

  The elevator doors open and he steps out. I notice immediately how gaunt his face is and his frame is very lean. He looks like he needs a nap and a good meal. He walks towards me and I think he’s going to say something just as Angelica jumps in front of him.

  “Hey, Brayden,” she says. I can’t hear anything else as the two talk. She shows him a piece of paper and he smiles, causing an immediate jealous reaction in me. I want that smile. They talk for a few more minutes, before Brayden continues on. Matt is out today, so I’m sure he’ll talk directly to me. He approaches my desk.

  “Any updates?” he asks.

  “Yes, there are several. Would you like them now or on Tuesday?” I ask.

  He looks at his watch. “Tuesday is fine. I have a party I need to get to.”

  “Oh?” I ask and wish I didn’t. I have no right to be curious about his life.

  “Yeah.” His response is cold.

  “I hope you have fun.”

  “Unlikely. I don’t have fun anymore.”

  “Me neither.”

  Brayden says nothing, but opens his mouth as if he plans to. I wait, silently hoping he will ask me to come with him. I just want to be in his presence.

  “Okay, well, I have to go.”

  “Have a good weekend.”

  “Yeah,” he says again. He starts to walk away but turns back. “Mackenzie?”

  My heart races in my chest. “Yes?”

  “I’m still waiting for the proposal for the follow up campaign for Stunning Lady. I’d like that on Monday.”

  “Oh, of course. I’m almost done.”

  “Good night.”

  “Good night, Brayden.”

  He walks away and I have to do everything in my power not to crumble in a pile of tears at my desk.

  Christ! Every time I see her, the pain is still there. Will the day ever come when she doesn’t affect me? The elevator doors open and I see Sydney and a couple of other people.

  “Hey, stranger,” she says.

  “Hey, Sydney, how are you?”

  “Good. How are you? Better now?”

  “Better?”

  “Yeah, your stomach hurt at the wedding, remember?”

  “Oh, yeah. I’m better. Must have just had an off night.”

  “That’s good. Some of us are going out for drinks if you want to come.”

  “Thanks, but I can’t. I’m going over to my sister’s house for a party tonight.”

  “Cool. Hope it’s fun.”

  “Me, too. Have a good weekend.”


  “You, too, Brayden.”

  We part ways when we get to the lobby. I pull off my suit jacket and tie and throw them in the backseat, before starting my drive to Ariel’s house. I promised I would stop by tonight for the little party she is having, even though it’s the last thing I want to do. I just hope things are cool with me and Stacey. When I arrive, there aren’t any cars out front and I’m afraid I got the night wrong. I walk up to the front door and ring the bell.

  A few minutes later, Stacey answers.

  “Hi, Brayden!” She gives me a huge hug which I return. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “You, too, Stace. You look great.”

  “Thank you,” she says, twirling around in the white cotton summer dress she wears. “I just got it today.”

  “It looks nice.”

  “Come on in.”

  “Where is everyone?”

  “The party starts at eight. You’re early.”

  “Oh. I guess I didn’t realize that. Where’s Ariel?”

  “She went to the store to get some ice. Can I get you a drink? I’m having a martini. I just learned to make them.”

  Ugh. I’ll never be able to have a martini without thinking about Kenzie.

  “Do you have anything else?”

  “Oh, sure. We have tons of stuff. Take your pick.” She motions to several ice chests full of various beers. I pick one up and pop the top, taking a nice long gulp. I needed that.

  “You look tired,” Stacey says.

  “I am tired. Work has been crazy.”

  “Oh, well, I’m glad you could come and have a little fun.”

  “Me, too.” I sit down on a bar stool. “How have you been?”

  “Great. Work is going well and I’m going to move out next month.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yep. My place is finally ready.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “I have something else exciting to tell you, too.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m not a virgin anymore.”

  I nearly spit my beer across the room. “What?”