“I won,” she says as we both bob breathlessly in the water.
“Please, I had you by two lengths,” I say falling into our familiar banter.
“You wish. You just can’t handle being beaten by a girl.”
“Oh yea?” I ask, lunging for her. She squeals and turns from me trying, pointlessly, to out swim me. I reach out and get am arm around her waist then wrap her up until she’s turned around and her face is inches from mine.
She pushes at my chest and laughs while trying to tell me to let go. Her eyes meet mine and only then do I realize that this is one of those things we can’t do anymore. Wrestling around in the water is not friendly sibling behavior, at least not while I’m enjoying the way it feels to have her warm, wet chest pushed up against mine. She stops flailing, realizing the same thing. I release her from my arms and we stare at each other for a few beats before she says, “Race you back to shore.”
I smile and start chasing after her but my enthusiasm has taken a hit.
#
“It’s good to be back here,” she says lying on the grass next to me, soaking in the afternoon sun.
“No rivers where you were?”
“There was, actually, but it wasn’t one I was willing to swim in.”
“Wasn’t it hot in New Mexico?”
“How’d you know that’s where I was?”
Damn it, I hadn’t meant to say that. “Cliff told me when I talked to him the other day.”
She looks into my eyes, still not believing the lie I told her about calling the house phone and getting her Grandpa on the line, so I turn my head to the sky.
I feel her staring at me for a while longer before she lets out a quiet breath and I know she’s going to let the subject rest for the moment. “Yes, the summers were ridiculously hot.”
“Sounds like a good excuse to go in the river.”
“Well you wouldn’t think so if you’d seem as many naked, old bodies swimming in it as I had.”
I laugh. “Naked old bodies?”
“Grandpa didn’t give you all the details?” she asks with mock surprise.
“No, just said you were in New Mexico.” And that really is all the knowledge I have of her whereabouts over the past three years.
“Well, I’ll spare you the details then.”
“Hell, no. I want to know about this place you lived with naked, old bodies.”
“You’re gonna laugh.”
“Probably, but go ahead and tell me anyway.”
“I lived in a commune, not a nudist colony, but I saw more than enough naked adults running around to last a life time.”
“No shit, huh? I can actually see Charlie in a place like that but, yea, I can see how you wouldn’t really love it.”
“That’s an understatement. And by the way, just in case you ever run into her again, her name is now Celeste.”
“Oh my God, that’s fucking perfect.” I laugh harder then I have in months.
Emily smiles at me. “I’m only going to tell you this because I like hearing you laugh, but my name in the commune was Star.”
Her words have me practically howling. “Please tell me you didn’t let those nut-jobs call you that to your face.”
“Of course I didn’t. Can you imagine answering to non-sense like that? They were all crazy, every single one of them, except for my friend, Moon Beam.”
“What the…,” I stutter through my laughter. “Please tell me about your friend, Moon Beam.”
“That was a joke. I didn’t have any friends there.”
Her tone is still light but I suddenly feel completely somber. “Really, Em, not one friend?” I ask, wanting to reach out and hold onto her hand.
“Not one. Didn’t really have anything in common with them.”
“Yea, I can see how that would be possible.” I watch as her eyes turn a slightly darker shade of green. “But your home now and you have plenty of friends.”
“I have at least five, if you count Grandma and Grandpa. I’m still on the fence about you though.”
I can’t tell if she’s joking or if she’s fishing. “What does that mean?”
“It means, I hope you’re still my friend but I can’t tell if you are or not. Today’s the most fun I’ve had since I was here the last time. But when you kicked me out of your cabin, that didn’t feel very friendly. So I’m not sure yet, if you want to be my friend or not.”
I don’t, I don’t want to be Emily’s friend. “I’m sorry about the other day. It’s hard to know what you are anymore. I just wasn’t ready to talk about my mom with you yet.”
“I don’t think I’ve changed so much,” she says, misinterpreting my comment.
“No, you haven’t changed at all which is why it’s damn hard to think of you as anything besides what you were when you left.” I’m not looking at her when I say this, I can’t.
“It’s not any easier for me to forget the way I feel… felt… about you, but I don’t want to lose you just because I loved you too much.”
Her words are purposely guarded but that doesn’t change the fact that they have my chest hurting in a familiar way. “It’s just hard to know what to do with you,” I tell her, honestly.
“Well, I can give you some ideas.” My eyes shoot to hers. Did she really say that? I mean, it may be wrong, but I’m fucking weak and if she’s gonna let me touch her I’m more than willing to.
Her eyes widen at me and I realize that’s not at all what she meant but she suddenly understands what I heard in her words. I feel my insides crumble. “I meant, like activities…like the rope swing, or I’m hungry, you could take me to get some food, I mean, we could go to the caves like we used to,” she says all panicky and cute and my heart warms to her.
“Sorry,” I say, reaching out and grabbing her hand because I can’t stop myself. “Old habits die hard. I can’t help the fact that you are still the most beautiful girl in the world and look better in a bikini than anyone should.”
She lets out a huff of breath. “I’m assuming you have a mirror in your cabin?”
“Are you suggesting that you think I’m good looking?” I tease.
“I’m just saying, if I had a choice, the rope swing wouldn’t be my first one.”
Emily
“Peanut butter and jelly still your thing?” Danny asks, walking into his kitchen.
“You’d think my tastes would have evolved by now but, yea, it is.” I take a seat at the open counter that separates the kitchen from living and dining area.
“Lucky for you it’s Maddie’s favorite too,” he says, taking the jelly out of the fridge.
“You know, you really don’t have to feed me.”
“My other option would have been to let you go home for lunch and I wasn’t ready to let you go.” He looks up from the sandwich makings and smiles at me.
“Well thanks, I wasn’t ready to go home. I had fun with you today.”
He sets the sandwich down in front of me. “You say that like you’re surprised.”
“Well, I definitely wasn’t counting on it.” I pick up my sandwich and laugh when I see the crusts are cut off. “I’ve gotten used to crust,” I tell him, feeling like a little kid.
“Sorry, it’s a habit. Maddie hasn’t.”
“How is she?” I ask apprehensively. The last time I brought up his family he made me leave him. I’m dying to hear how she and Jason are doing though, so I chance it.
“She’s good. Just finished kindergarten. It was good that she had that; her teacher was great with everything.”
My heart pinches and I set my sandwich down. “And what about Jason, how’s he?”
“Hasn’t changed a whole lot. Smart as hell and thinks too damn much,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn’t want to say any more about them.
“I miss them,” I tell him. “I’d love to see them sometime if you think that’d be okay.”
He nods his head at me but doesn’t give me an answer.
�
��I hated leaving here. But mostly I hated not being able to talk to anyone… especially you. I really wish I would have been home.”
“Nothing good happened while you were gone. It was better that you weren’t here.” Danny’s face tightens and I know I’m pushing it but I can’t seem to shut up.
“It wasn’t better that I wasn’t here. I missed out on over two years of my life – good or bad. Even if you wouldn’t have wanted me, I would have wanted to be here with you. How could you say it was for the best? Were you happy when I left?”
Danny closes his eyes and runs his hands through his hair- a familiar gesture of frustration. I don’t care if I’m frustrating him. I’m not going to pretend like nothing ever happened. “I wish you would have been here, Em. It hurt like hell to lose you. But all this shit has changed me; I’m not the nice kid you left here. I’m glad you weren’t here to witness my downward spiral. You wouldn’t like it.”
“You haven’t changed so much,” I say because, although he seems harder and older, I still feel the same when I’m with him.
“Emily, you’ve been around me for a total of three hours. Trust me, I’ve changed.”
“How so?” I challenge.
“I’m not good anymore. Not even a little bit.” There is a look of warning in his eyes.
“Danny… you have peanut butter and jelly… you cut off the crusts…you’re obviously good to Maddie and Jason. You can’t be all bad.”
He gives me a bitter smile. “Don’t get your hopes up.”
“You’re not giving yourself any credit. So what, you drink too much, you sleep around..?” I pause, giving him a chance to deny my last accusation but he doesn’t. “It doesn’t make you bad.”
“It’s not so much the things I do.”
“What does that mean? Just get it out Danny, I’m not gonna sit around all day guessing what makes you so bad.”
“Fine,” he says, coming across the kitchen and leaning into me. He stares at me with his intense blue eyes and a shiver of fear runs through me. “I hate my fucking father, I hate your God damned mother, I want to kill Noah, I’m annoyed by everyone else in this world and since you came back about all I think about is tearing off your clothes and doing things to you that you don’t want to know about. There’s nothing good about me – trust me.” He steps away from the counter and his hands are back in his hair.
Holy shit. I wasn’t expecting that, especially not the part about ripping my clothes off and doing things to me that I don’t want to know about. I think he’s probably trying to warn me to stay away from him but my heart is beating out of my chest and the throbbing between my legs is unbearable. “Those feelings are all normal, Danny,” I tell him.
“Oh yea? Because it sure as hell feels wrong. I don’t want to get into all this shit with you, Emily. I was trying, pretty successfully until five minutes ago, not to do or say anything to offend you today so just drop it, please.”
“You didn’t offend me. You might see yourself as some big bad ass that I should stay away from but I still feel the same around you as I always have, so there must be something good in you because you don’t scare me.” I pick up my sandwich and wait for him to go on another tirade that, truthfully, does scare me a little, but he just starts laughing.
“Jesus, you seriously haven’t changed at all, still have the same sassy mouth that you always had.”
“Well, you haven’t changed so much either.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he says. “Maybe I’ve always been a huge asshole with no morals and I was just pretending to be decent. God knows I’ve been thinking about you in all the wrong ways for too many years now.”
I know he’s trying to intimidate me but I’ve never let him do that before and I’m not gonna start now. “I believe that feeling is mutual. Are you trying to tell me that I’m a morally corrupt asshole too?”
“Wouldn’t that be fun?” There is a wicked glimmer in his eyes.
“I think you’re too good and too chicken to find out.” I look him directly in his eyes. He stares back for a hard minute and I don’t know if I’m terrified or excited but something new is definitely happening in my body.
“Don’t temp me,” he says under his breath. “You’ll regret it and so will I.”
My stomach drops and I feel hurt by his words, which is stupid. We would regret it if we ever let ourselves go too far, but this feels just like rejection and I don’t want to be rejected by Danny. “You’re right, I would regret it. Best you stick to what you know,” I say, picturing the slutty girl at the bonfire and imaging all the girls he has slept with.
“I know you better than anyone,” he mutters and I’m not sure of his meaning. “Which is why I will never taste your sweet lips in mine again, no matter how fucking bad I want to.”
Jesus, he has changed. The things he’s saying to me… I don’t think the old Danny would have had the balls to say those things. I don’t know if the old Danny had the mind to think those things. “Because you’re too good and you’re too scared,” I reiterate, tempting him to kiss me, wanting that more than anything and having the guts to say it because I know he’s telling the truth. He will never kiss me again, and that is too damn depressing to think about. He is too good, I wish he weren’t.
“Fine, Emily, you win. I’m a fucking saint. Can we drop it now?’
“Sure.” I shrug my shoulders like the conversation didn’t affect me when in reality I feel completely shattered.
Danny
I’m trying to decide if it’s a good idea for the kids to see Emily today, if it’s a good idea for me to see Emily today. God knows I want to but yesterday was impossible. That girl does things to me I can’t understand. I wish she’d just tell me to fuck off, I’ve given her plenty of reasons too. But I’m starting to think there’s nothing I can do to keep her away from me.
I had good intentions yesterday. I knew I couldn’t stay away from her but I was hoping that I could pretend to be her friend. But all she has to do is look at me with those honest eyes and I lose all self-control. I basically told her I wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her, and she didn’t even flinch. In fact she told me I didn’t have to balls to try. God damn it, if she pulls that shit again I’m not going to be able to hold it together. Next time I will rip her clothes off and suck those sweet lips.
I didn’t want her to go home but I was relieved as hell when she did. I spent a good part of the night thinking about all the new possibilities that her feisty mouth inspired. I told myself that would be it- the last time I would get myself into that impossible situation. I don’t have the self control needed to be around her. But then she sent me a text asking if I could bring the kids to the farm today and hell if I didn’t tell her yes before I even had the whole damn message read. As much as I tell myself it’s a bad idea, I know there’s no point in trying to resist the girl.
“You want to go see the old horse up the road?” I ask Maddie as we sit eating cereal at the breakfast table.
“Grandma Lucille?” she asks, excited already.
I laugh. “Yea, her too.”
“Yea!” she squeals.
“Go on and get dressed then.”
“Okay,” she says, already out of her seat.
“Why are we going there today?” Jason asks skeptically. Mom was always the one to bring them there, it was never me. They haven’t been back since she died.
“Emily’s home.”
“Really?” The thought puts a big smile on his face.
“Yea, and she misses you guys. She wants to see you.” I take a deep breath then, trying to think about my next words before I say them. “Listen, don’t say too much about Dad, okay? She doesn’t know how sad he is.” I sound like I’m trying to cover for Mike, which I am, but only to protect them. Jason has seen the alcohol, the slurred speech and the middle of the night crying spells but he doesn’t understand the word alcoholic and I don’t want him to. So instead of saying “Dad is too fucking drunk,” we instead s
ay,” Dad is too sad.” And instead of saying, “Dad is a worthless, hung-over, piece of shit,” we say, “Dad is too tired.” Just like how mom used to tell them, “We’re going on a vacation,” instead of, “I left his sorry, cheating ass.”
”Okay,” he agrees, “I won’t talk about dad.”
#
Maddie runs a good ten yards in front of us, excited about seeing the animals again. I didn’t say anything to her about Emily; she doesn’t remember her. “Slow down, Maddie, you’re going to trip over the roots,” I yell when she approaches the part of the path that is overtaken by the trees. She slows to a fast walk.
“You okay, buddy?” I ask Jason who is walking with his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the ground.
“Yea. Just nervous about seeing Emily, I guess.”
“Why would that make you nervous? She’s a nice girl, she misses you.” I say, wondering if I’ve said the right thing like I always wonder when I talk to him. Jason is so smart but he lives inside his too-big brain and reads too much into things… or understands too much for a kid his age. Half the time when I say something to him he looks at me like I don’t understand him at all, and most of the time I don’t. I was never one to think too much, epically when I was thirteen. I just did- didn’t think about what I was doing before I did it. Impulsive, my mom used to call me.
“I remember her, she was always nice. It’s just that things changed after she left.”
“That wasn’t because of her,” I say, knowing he’s associating her with my parent’s separation.
“Is she going to leave again?” He looks at me through wide eyes.
Is she going to leave again? My God, that’s something I’ve never even considered. I make a mental note to ask her about that. “No, she’s home for good now,” I answer, hoping I’m not lying.
He seems to relax a little so I switch my focus to check on Maddie. She is completely out of sight now. “Come on, let’s go find your sister,” I say to Jason as I start to jog up the path with him beside me.
Love Is Relative Page 6
