Emily
I woke up extra early this morning, in fact it feels like I didn’t sleep at all last night. I just keep thinking about the Donovans and all of the thousands of good memories I have of them. I picture what their lives would be like now if that night between Mike and my mom hand never happened. When I think of my mom I’m angry as hell at her. I wish she weren’t so careless, so reckless with other people’s emotions. I hate to think it but my mom is selfish. When she made that stupid announcement did she even consider what would happen to Danny and his family? Probably not, the only person she cares about is herself.
I’ve fed all the animals and cleaned all their pens and the sun has only shown itself for a few hours. I go back to Winnie’s stable and take out her brush even though I already brushed her today. She seems restless and I think she probably feels the energy pushing off of me. “I know girl,” I tell her, “I’m making you nervous. You don’t deserve that, you’re just a horse, you shouldn’t have to worry about anything and here I am getting you all worked up.” I set the brush down.
I give up on trying to find peace through Winnie. If I’m being honest with myself I know there is only one thing that will calm my nerves. I know I need to go see Danny. I need to look at his eyes. I need to tell him that even if he hates me, I’m here for him. I need to tell him I still care about him. So what if he kissed another girl right in front of me? So what if he looked like he wanted to kill me when he saw me? So what if Noah’s told me time and again that Danny’s not worth the effort? I can deal with it; I deserve to have to deal with it. If there is even a chance that Danny needs me, then I should go. “Ah, hell,” I say to Winnie before turning and running out of the stable.
I run until I am twenty yards from the guest cabin that Grandpa said Danny’s living in. I slow to a fast walk and push my dirty hand across my forehead that’s beginning to sweat. My appearance alone will probably be enough to make Danny turn me away but I know that if I don’t do this now I’ll just be living with this pit in my stomach and the pain in my heart until I get the courage to do it again. I step onto the small porch and take a deep breath before knocking on the door. After a few seconds I knock again. Maybe he’s not home or maybe Grandpa was wrong and he’s not staying out here. I knock again. Or maybe he is staying here and he’s in bed with some woman, that’s what Noah kept hinting at, that he fills his nights with random women. Oh God, I do not want to see that, I don’t want to see that again. I turn on my heel, preparing to run when I hear the door opening.
“Emily?” he says sounding confused and drowsy.
I turn to him and my heart stops, I swear it literally stops beating. Danny stands with a naked arm propped on the door frame. His other hand runs through his dark, messy hair. His eyes are heavy-lidded as if he just got out of bed which is probably the case since he is wearing nothing but a pair of sleep pants. I stare at his bare skin, his strong arms, his hard chest, his golden stomach that is practically bulging with muscles and the space above his waist band where the most beautiful indents are chiseled around his pelvic bone. I’m literally speechless as he stands there staring at me.
“What are you doing here?” I try to gauge his tone. It doesn’t seem angry which gives me the courage to finally talk.
“I don’t know exactly,” I say, looking into his clear blue eyes for the first time. Those damn beautiful eyes, they make me forget everything, they always have. “I was just doing my chores and decided to come down and see you. Grandpa told me you were staying in the guest house now.”
He runs his hands down his face and I’m sure he’s about to tell me to leave but then he says, “Well, come on in then.” He backs into the cabin and makes a dramatic sweeping gesture with his arm.
“You sure? I mean I’m kind of a mess, I don’t want to get your place all dirty.”
“You’re fine, Emily, you look…. You’re not a mess.”
“Um, okay, if you’re sure,” I say and then follow him into his cabin.
Danny
Emily’s crouched down untying her Timberlands and I’m trying hard to not stare down her tank-top that she’s practically spilling out of from my view point. I also try to avoid looking at the way her ass is perched or the way the frayed bottom of her cutoff jean shorts hugs her thighs. There is a smudge of mud above her left eyebrow that I want to rub off of her perfect skin but we’re not the kind of people that can just touch each other whenever we feel like it anymore. I miss that lucky bastard who was allowed to hold her hand or sling an arm around her whenever he wanted to. He didn’t know what he had.
She finally stands and rests her hands on her hips, looking at me with a timid smile. I realize, right then and there, that Em hasn’t changed at all. She’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen but she would never see herself this way. She’s just a farm girl who leaves the being pretty up to the city girls, as she used to say. She probably thinks she looks like a mess; her skin is shining with sweat, her hair is barely held up by her messy braid and several wavy strands are hanging in her face, not only is there mud on her face but also on her hands and knees. Clearly she didn’t give any thought to how she looked before she decided to come looking for me. She’s still my Em and that fucking breaks my heart. What are the chances I’ll ever find someone like her again? Zer, fucking, o.
“You woke me up, I don’t usually have any visitors before eight A.M.,” I tell her as explanation for my own disheveled appearance.
“Eight A.M.?” she asks with genuine surprise. “My God, I didn’t realize… I can come back… later.” She makes a move to retrieve her boots and I panic, my heart starts racing.
“No, that’s not what I meant.” I try to keep my voice under control. “I just meant I need a minute. Sit down, I’m just gonna put some clothes on.”
I watch her as her cheeks turn pink. Did that embarrass her… me putting clothes on? She walks to my sofa and sits down.
In my room I throw on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, all the while thinking, I can’t believe she’s here, out in my living room. And why the hell does that make me so damn happy?
I walk back out and she turns to look at me. I give her a half smile- happy that she’s still here but thinking I shouldn’t be. I walk past her and into the kitchen that’s open to the living room and pull out a filter and the coffee can. I can feel her eyes on my back and I know I should say something to her. Once I get the coffee pot turned on I go and sit across from her, propping my elbows on my knees and looking into her familiar green eyes. Damn it. “So what are you doing here, Em? You’ve been back for a while now, didn’t expect to see you at my front door.” I don’t mean for my voice to sound so harsh. Part of me wants her to run from me.
She tilts her head, as if trying to decide what I’m thinking, and I become uncomfortable because that’s something she’s always been good at. “I wanted to come see you but I guessed you probably needed some space. Some time to adjust to the fact that I’m home. Maybe that’s not true, maybe you don’t care one way or the other if I’m here or not, but I just wanted to let you know that I am here and I’d like to see you, I mean, I’m here so….” She stops to takes a big breath and rolls her eyes at herself. “I’m sorry, Danny. I’m getting all my thoughts jumbled together. All I’m really trying to say is that I miss you and I know everything has changed since I was home last but if you ever feel like talking to me, I’m here.”
I smile at her, I can’t help it; she’s so damn sincere… and cute. I feel the urge to pull her into my arms so instead I go to the kitchen and grab a cup of coffee. “You want one?” I ask.
“No thanks, I’m jittery enough as it is.”
The time it took to get my coffee was not enough time to decide how to handle this situation. I know my instincts with her are all wrong now. I can’t say the things I want to, I can’t do the things I want to. “I’m glad you’re home. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I’m glad I’m home too.”
I clear my thr
oat. “Listen, I’m sorry about the other night at the bonfire. I had no idea you were home and when I saw you it threw me. I should have at least said hi to you.”
“That’s okay,” she says but her eyes turn a shade darker like they used to when she was sad.
“I don’t know why I did that.” I’m referring to the girl I kissed in front of her but I can’t get myself to say the words.
“You don’t owe me anything.” There is a touch of anger in her voice now.
“Well I’m glad Noah was there for you. How is he doing, by the way? I see him come to visit just about every day.” I didn’t mean to go there but I guess I’m trying to make her understand that she’s not the only one who is angry.
Her look turns to concern though, which means she didn’t get my subtle hint. That’s good, I guess, because it means she doesn’t see Noah in that way. Or maybe that’s bad? Hell, I don’t know any more. “I still don’t understand why the two of you aren’t talking. I’ve told him a million times that I understand why you acted the way you did at the party. I don’t know what he’s so worked up about. It used to be that nothing could come between the two of you. You both need to stop being so stubborn.”
I let out a laugh of disbelief. She’s talking like she hasn’t been away, like she knows anything about me and Noah.
“I know, Danny, I don’t get it. But then you should be the one that has to listen to his babbling, not me.”
I let out a genuine laugh now. She’s annoyed by him. “Getting on your nerves?”
“No, of course not,” she says because she never says anything mean about anyone. “I just wish he’d talk it out with you. I don’t know what to tell him, I mean, I don’t even know you anymore.” Her mouth stays open after she speaks and she shakes her head at herself. “I mean, you don’t seem like the person you were when I left... of course you’re not, that was stupid of me to say. I didn’t want to talk about any of this stuff, not yet, but I’m really sorry about your mom. I had no idea that she was gone, Danny. I really love her.”
My body stiffens at her words. I watch as her eyes begin to tear up and I know that I cannot let this happen. I can’t cry with Emily about my dead mother, who would still be here if not for…. “I gotta get to work,” I say, standing abruptly and walking to the door, expecting her to follow me. I hold the door open and stare at her boots until I see her step into them.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry, Danny,” she says before walking out the door.
I watch her walk away and I hate myself. I hold tight to the door so I don’t go running after her. When she’s out of sight I slam it shut. “Fuuucck,” I yell before opening the door and then slamming it shut again with enough force to shake the cabin. What the hell did I just do? Em was finally here with me. How many times have I wished she would come home? How many hours have I spent wishing she was here so I could just talk to her about what was going on? I’ve needed her so much and now she’s finally here and I just keep pushing her away.
Emily
It’s been three very long days since I made the mistake of going to see Danny. I should have expected things would happen the way they did, especially since I still can’t keep anything from him. I cringe when I think of all the jumbled, stupid words I spoke to him. He just looked at me like he couldn’t wait until I left. And then I did the one thing I told myself I wasn’t going to do and brought up Cora.
I’ve taken to hanging out in my room, which is not like me and honestly, it’s driving me crazy. But I can’t talk to Grandpa because he always knows when I’m keeping something from him and I don’t want to see Noah because he’s always reminding me what a jerk Danny is and I definitely can’t hang out with Jessa and Nat because I have too much fun with those girls and right now I’m not in the mood to have fun.
About the only person I’ve been talking to is Cora. I don’t know if she can hear me and most of the time I hope she can’t because I have too many things to say about Danny and some of those things she shouldn’t hear. Like how he’s being a cold bastard towards me and how I prefer that to nothing at all which, clearly, is all I’m going to get. And how every time I picture him all rumpled and shirtless the ache between my legs becomes unbearably painful. I don’t know if it’s weird that I’m having conversations with Cora but I do it anyway because it makes me feel like she’s here and it makes me feel closer to Danny, although, I don’t know why I would willingly subject myself to feeling closer to him when all he’s capable of doing is hurting me. I’m pretty sure Cora would agree that he is no longer good for me. We are no longer two puzzle pieces that are meant to fit together.
My phone buzzes, pulling me away from my thoughts. It’s just gonna be Noah or the girls again trying to convince me to leave my room but I pick it up anyway. “Hello,” I say, trying not to sound as exasperated as I am.
“Hey, Emily.” My body goes stiff at his voice. “It’s Danny.” I wordlessly hold the phone to my ear, cursing myself for being so excited by his voice. “Hello… Em, you there?”
“Sorry, I wasn’t sure I heard you correctly. Did you say it’s Danny?”
“Yea.”
“How’d you get my number?” I ask, thinking he and Noah must be speaking again.
“Cliff gave it to me.”
“What?” I might just chew Grandpa out for not telling me he talked to Danny.
“I called the house and he told me to try this number.”
“That’s weird, Grandpa never answers the phone.” I think out loud. “I mean never, it’s always one of Grandma’s friends from church and…”
“Emily,” he practically shouts, effectively cutting me off. “Sorry. It doesn’t matter how I got your number, I just wanted to know if you’d meet me down at the river, I thought we could go swimming.”
“What?”
“Please, Emily, I’m trying here. Just come to the river with me. Let’s go swimming and have some fun. Please.”
I know I should probably say no, just to prove I have a little self-respect and that I’m not going to put up with him treating me like a leper, but I can hear in his voice that this isn’t easy for him so of course I say, “Yes.”
“Yes, as in, yes you’ll come?”
“Give me fifteen minutes,” I tell him with a goofy smile plastered on my face.
“Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting for you.”
“Alright,” I say and then hit the end button before I say too much.
Danny
It feels strange to be at the river by my own accord. I spend plenty of time down here with Jason and Maddie but it’s something I do for them, not for me. I don’t come down here to have fun like I used to.
I’m sure when Emily gets here it’ll be a hundred different kinds of awkward as we try to figure out what to do with each other and this shitty situation that we’re in. Since I kicked her out of my cabin I’ve done nothing but try to figure out how to have her in my life. I’ve given up pretending like I don’t want her, that I don’t need her. I know she’ll come willingly- she doesn’t say shit just because she thinks it’s what people want to hear- and she told me she is here for me.
I was nervous as fuck calling her though. And then I let it slip that I got her number from Cliff. But she said yes because I know she wants to work things out. She wants me in her life just like I want her in mine. But she’s stronger than I am, she doesn’t have a dramatic bone in her body and pretty much defines the word no-nonsense. I don’t think it’s an issue for her to consider me her friend or her… brother.
She’s all I’ve ever wanted and still, after all this time, she’s the only thing I want. I just don’t know how I can get close to her, or even just near her, without wanting what I always have. And that’s not a friendship and it sure as fuck aint a sister. “God damn it”, I mutter before pushing myself off the rock and into the cold water. When I surface I turn on my back and start taking my frustrations out on the water in the form of the back stroke. I look at
the clear sky wishing it would swallow me.
“Training for the Olympics?” I hear her shout.
I slow my body and my emotions and then I let my feet sink into the water and turn to her. “Medals aren’t really that important to me.” I look at her standing on the shore with her leggy, curvy, perfect body that looks even better in a bikini than I had imagined, which I didn’t think was possible. She is no longer a fifteen-year-old girl with the body of a model but a seventeen-year-old with the body of a damn Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition model. I feel myself harden in the ice-cold water.
“Well good, seeing how you are easily beaten by girls,” she teases.
That’s not true. We’ve had hundreds of races in this water and she’s maybe won five of them. “Why don’t you get your ass in here if you’re do damn sure of yourself.”
Without hesitation, she dives into the water and disappears, surfacing seconds later, two feet in front of me. “I’m glad to see you haven’t lost any of your confidence, as false as it might be, it’s good to keep trying,” she says, followed by the word, “Go,” which she yells after she’s already on her back and two strokes closer to the finish line.
I laugh for a second before chasing her down. She really is fast and it takes me a good twenty yards to catch her. I slow my pace to keep steady with hers just to get her hopes up. This was a habit that I developed when we were kids; I liked to keep the competition exciting, which bit me in the ass more than a few times. She is by no means giving it all she’s got; she’ll save that for the last ten yards like she always does. When I see her pushing harder into the water I know it’s on and I do the same. I really do have to push but in the end I come out a half body length ahead of her.
Love Is Relative Page 5
