“I knew he would be mad at me, I figured he would hate me, but in the back of my mind that’s who I still felt like we were. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss him, that I didn’t think about that summer we had together. The fact that I was completely cut off from the outside world and had no idea what his family was going through made it that much easier to pretend. I should have dealt with reality but I was living in la la land... literally.”
Noah lets out a low laugh but doesn’t comment.
“Have you talked to him?” I ask with concern. I don’t know what happened after I left the party but Noah’s pissed at Danny and hasn’t spoken to him since. That fight had been a long time coming, it’s not your fault, it would have happened sooner or later. That’s what Noah told me but I don’t believe it. That fight wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me running away like a baby. Danny’s lost enough people in his life because of me; I don’t want him losing Noah too.
“No, Em, I haven’t talked to him and I have no plans to do so until he mans-up and apologizes to you.”
I’m about to tell Noah that there’s no reason for Danny to apologize to me, but this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation over the last week and I know by now that all it does is make Noah madder at Danny. “I’m just worried about him.”
“Well don’t bother. I’ve been worrying about him for years and it never did either of us any good. Maybe he should be the one worrying, maybe he should be the one that feels bad, but have you heard a word from him? No, you haven’t, because he doesn’t give a shit… about anything. If I’d have been that cold to you I would be at your door every day begging for forgiveness but he just doesn’t give a shit. The sooner you figure that out the better off you’ll be. I wish I’d figured it out a lot sooner.”
Noah’s words feel like a smack across the face. Thinking that Danny just doesn’t care about me at all hurts so much more than thinking he flat out hates me; at least hate is some kind of emotion. I don’t want to believe Noah but I don’t have anything else to go on. I need to let Danny go, I just don’t know how to do that.
Danny
“She’s hanging in there, kid. I’ll let you know if I start to worry about her.”
“Thanks, Cliff, I appreciate it. Don’t tell Em you talked to me,” I say to Emily’s Grandpa, more out of habit than actual concern, and then I hit the end button on my phone. I always feel better after I talk to Cliff. He’s been my lifeline since shortly after Emily left and my family fell apart. I don’t know what I’d do without him, some days it feels like he’s all I’ve got which seems pathetic since he is the father of the woman who ripped my life apart.
How Emily’s mom turned out so bat-shit crazy after being raised by that man, I still don’t understand. Em’s Grandma is a busybody who can’t mind her own business but other than that she’s a sweetheart. I figure Charlie’s crazy behavior is the result of one of those traits that skips a generation.
I always looked up to Cliff and thought of him as my grandpa too, so it was hard when Emily and Charlie left. Cliff would come by almost every day to check on me and Dad and even though Dad was already beginning his alcoholic ways and didn’t want to talk to anyone, Cliff always stuck around to sit on the porch with me. He’s been one of my only real friends ever since.
When I saw Emily at the bonfire I was shocked- I had just talked to Cliff the day before and he hadn’t told me she was home. I wish he would have. It would have saved her from my jackass behavior. I wouldn’t have been there if I had known she was home. But I know, whatever his reason was, it was made in Emily’s best interest so I don’t ask him why he didn’t tell me. Now that I’m back to checking in on her, via him, everyday, I can tell that he’s cautious with his words. I hope she’s just as cautions; I don’t want him to know what I did to her. I feel bad enough about it as it is.
I realize I’m putting him in a shitty position – asking him to report her state of mind to me every day, and then asking him to keep our conversations a secret from her. It’s not fair to him but he’s the only connection I have to her anymore so I’m not about to stop.
That’s not entirely true, if I’m being honest. Now that I know she’s home, which is literally one little dirt path away from my back door, It’s like I can feel her presence. As determined as I am to stay out of her life, I find myself walking that path at least once a day. The first couple of days after the bonfire I practically camped out in the trees, waiting to get a glimpse of her. She never showed up anywhere so I took to going a safe distance from her bedroom window at night. Her silhouette made a few appearances and even that shadow made my stomach flip. On the third day I heard her coming up the side yard before I saw her. She was walking Winnie by a rope and talking to the horse like she always does. I realized, on day five, that Emily picked up her routine as if she had never left, appearing in the pasture with Winnie at ten A.M. like she always had. Something about that was reassuring.
The thing that wasn’t so reassuring was that every day I heard the familiar sound of Noah’s pickup flying down the dirt road, but it always flew right past our house and kept on down the road. There’s only one thing down that road. I tell myself he’s just being a friend to her and that she deserves to have friends right now but the truth is that every time I hear his truck I want to kill him. It’s because he has what I don’t. It’s because he’s there for her like I should be. I keep waiting for Cliff to tell me I need to make a visit and talk to her but he’s not one to tell people how to live their lives, he’s just good at helping them figure it out on their own.
Even though Emily is not part of my life and probably never will be, she’s about all I think about. The day after I saw her for the first time the crazy energy that had overtaken my body disappeared. I felt calm for the first time in a week. It was as if my body knew she was near and decided to act up until I knew it too. And it may just be that I’m distracted by her presence but Jack is no longer my best friend, he just makes a brief visit most nights. I don’t even consider dialing one of the numbers on my phone. The brief kiss I had with the girl at the bonfire has turned me off to the idea of anyone but Emily. I can’t get her out of my head. I can’t think of touching anyone but her, and since I will never be able to touch her again, I believe my right hand and I are in it for the long haul.
Emily
“Was that Noah’s truck that just left?” Grandpa asks as he joins me on the porch swing with two glasses of Grandma’s lemonade.
“Yep. It’s become a habit of his; stopping by while I’m feeding the animals.” Grandpa nods, mulling something over. Most times I appreciate the fact that he keeps his opinions to himself but sometimes I wish he’d just tell me what he’s thinking. “He got in a fight with Danny last weekend and they haven’t talked since. I don’t know what Noah’s so mad about.”
Grandpa doesn’t ask what the fight was about, instead he says, “I guess it would take a whole lot of understanding for someone to stick by Danny through this hard time, it would take someone who could really understand. Unfortunately, Mike has chosen to not deal with life at all and Jason and Maddie are too young still to support Danny.”
“Pa, if you’re trying to insinuate that I might be the one who could possibly understand him since, technically I am his family, than I wish you’d just say it. I’m too exhausted to figure out your meaning.”
Grandpa tries, unsuccessfully, to stifle his laugh. “I was trying to insinuate that but mostly because I know how close the two of you were. I know it probably seems like Danny has changed a whole lot but underneath it all he’s still the same kid that was your best friend.”
“You don’t know that Grandpa.”
Grandpa sits quietly again, rocking and drinking his lemonade, I suppose to give me time to think about his words. Time to realize he’s probably right, like he always is. “You might be right, I’m not saying that you are for sure, but it’s possible. Either way, I can’t make him talk to me. Even
if he doesn’t actually hate me he certainly believes he does. I mean how could he not? I’m the whole reason for everything bad in his life.”
Grandpa gets in a few more rocks before speaking. “Cora never believed that and I’m pretty sure Danny never did either.”
I look at Grandpa with surprise. He’s not one to speak on someone’s behalf, epically someone who’s not around to speak for herself. “I don’t believe that, Grandpa.”
“She wrote you a letter. I’ve been holding onto it, waiting for the right time to give it to you. I think it’s about time. I’ll go get it if you think you might want to read it.”
“What?” I ask, not sure that I heard him correctly. “Yea, I mean, I guess I’d like to see it.” Grandpa pats my leg the goes to get the letter.
#
Grandpa left the porch so I could have some time to process the fact that I am holding a shoe box that contains not only a sealed letter from Cora but also one from Mike. I hold both envelopes, trying to decide which one I’m ready to read, if either. I look at Cora’s pretty cursive. She has drawn a heart around my name and suddenly, I want nothing more than to hear her again so I take out the letter and instantly start to tear up.
Dear Emily-
I’m not big on writing out my thoughts, I’ve never been one to keep a journal or anything like that but there are so many things I want to say to you. This morning Maddie was drawing you a picture and Jason was writing you a letter and so now I’m sitting down with them trying to do the same.
We all miss you so much, that’s the first thing I want to tell you. The kids ask about you every day, Maddie epically. It’s not the same without your bright smile and your warm laughter in our lives. I just hope that wherever you are right now, your still wearing that great smile of yours.
This is the hard part because I feel in my heart that you probably aren’t showing that smile. I saw it fall of your face as Charlie announced to you that Mike was your father. I regret not going to you and pulling you into my arms right then and there but I was in shock myself and, of course, Danny, Jason and Maddie were there too. I went to see you the next morning but your mama had already taken you away. I wish she wouldn’t have done that.
The main thing I want to tell you, sweetie, is that no matter who your daddy is you have always been like a daughter to me and that will never change. I want to say that when we are all back home in River Bluff we can work together to become like a family but that’s silly because we are already a family. Your Grandma and Grandpa too, they’re like family to me, I don’t know what we’d do without any of you in our lives.
I’m still trying to process all that’s going on right now but I know that I’ll come out of it okay. Mike and I will work out our problems and, hopefully, Jason and Maddie will just remember this as that long trip we took to Grandma and Grandpa’s. Really, it’s you and Danny that I worry about. Both of you are old enough to understand what has happened. You are both left to deal with this mess that your parents have put you in.
The idea that you could be Mike’s biological daughter would have thrilled me, and it still does a little bit, if we would have found out when you and Danny were kids. And of course if you would have been conceived before I was with Mike. That IS NOT YOUR FAULT, by the way .I hope you never think that. I hope you never put any blame on yourself.
But things are different now between the two of you. I see the way he looks at you and I understand that, although he has always loved you, he is falling deeply in love with you. And who can blame him? You are the most beautiful young lady I’ve ever seen but your looks can’t compare to the person you are inside. You have the brightest spirit I have ever known and you make Danny so happy. You are still so young, only fifteen, but you are so independent and mature. I think you know how you feel about Danny, that’s something you can understand.
It is for this reason only that I still hold on to the possibility that Charlie was wrong and Mike is not your father. But I know there is a very good chance that he is. I pray each night that the two of you will figure out how you are supposed to fit together because, it is clear to me, that God made you for Danny and Danny for you. If you end up being soul mates of the best friend variety, I couldn’t be happier. But Danny has a tendency to shut down when he’s hurt and I know there is a possibility that he will push you and everyone else away. So I want to ask you to make sure he doesn’t let you go, that you hold onto him with everything you have. He needs you, sweetie, and I’m pretty sure you need him too.
I love you very much Emily. I always have and I always will.
Love,
Cora
I stare at her words and wipe away my tears. I can hear her sweet, gentle voice in my head. I can see her bright, blue eyes that were just as beautiful as Danny’s. I can feel her arms wrapped around me as I remember how she never let me leave without a big hug. I hugged Cora more than I ever hugged my own mother. The fact that, just days after she found out I was the product of Mikes infidelity, she was worried about how I was doing shouldn’t surprise me; I’ve never met someone as selfless as Cora, but somehow it still does. I don’t deserve her love but I’m glad she loved me. I’m glad I have this small piece of her to hold onto forever.
After my tears have finally stopped and I can focus again I pick up Mike’s letter. I always liked Mike, he and Danny were always close and he loved Cora in a way that embarrassed me when I was younger. He always had an arm wrapped around her or was whispering something in her ear that would get her giggling. His eyes were always trained on her. Where Cora spread her love around to everyone, Mike seemed to reserve most of his for Cora. I suppose once I knew what he had done to her, his whole facade was shattered in my mind. Who was he if not the man who loved Cora?
I open the letter and see the date at the top; it was written just over a year ago- before Cora died, during the time they were happy again. My stomach tightens as I begin to read his blocky script.
Dear Emily,
This letter is way over due and I’m so sorry that you are still gone from home and that I can’t talk to you face to face. I just pray that wherever you are, you are safe and happy.
It has been a struggle here, back home, but we are doing okay here as a family. There is just one thing missing and that is obviously you. I hope that you realize that none of this was your fault and I hope you don’t think of yourself as a mistake or unloved because, although I never loved your mother and she never loved me, I love you very much and I always have.
I feel like I owe you an explanation but really I’m probably just trying to redeem myself in your eyes. I don’t know if that’s possible and if not that’s something that I can understand.
Before I met Cora I was a mess. She literally saved my life. I was an alcoholic who drank away weeks at a time. This is who I was when Cora met me and somehow she still managed to love me. So much, in fact, that she stood by me while I got the help that I so desperately needed. We were happy and I was getting my life on track. I had started my construction company and married Cora. We had Danny a little more than a year later. About a year after that Cora became pregnant again. We couldn’t have been happier, we decided after Danny was born that we wanted a big family. When Cora was in her twenty-fifth week of pregnancy the unthinkable happened and she lost the baby. I don’t know why I took it so hard, I had a beautiful wife and a perfect little baby boy, but I mourned that unborn child deeply.
I started drinking again, sneaking off to the bar when I should have been working to support my family. One morning I woke up in an unfamiliar room next to Charlie. I hoped that what might have happened didn’t but I could never be sure because sadly, I had blacked out the night before. After that night I quit drinking for good. That is until Cora left me.
There is no excuse for what I did. I wish I knew what I was thinking when I made the decision to leave the bar with Charlie. I can’t imagine ever hurting Cora in that way. My eyes never strayed from her from the moment I met her. I’ve never th
ought of another woman since. I don’t know what I would do without her. I don’t deserve her but she has forgiven me and for that I know that I am the luckiest man living.
I wish you were home so that we could find out, for yours and Danny’s sake, if I am your father. It wouldn’t change anything either way for me – I will always love you no matter what. And it won’t change the fact that I was unfaithful to my beautiful wife. I know Danny still loves you and so, if and when you come home and you still love him too, I want the both of you to know where you stand.
I have to admit that when Cora left me I wasn’t much of a father to Danny. I gave up on everything including him. I wish, for his sake, that he didn’t have to see me like that. I wish he would have gone with his mother who would have loved him like I should have. I know part of the reason he stayed behind was because he was waiting for you. He is still waiting for you. When you come home you’ll see how he has changed. He’s had to grow up a lot. He’s not the carefree boy he was when you left. I’m the one who changed him, I just pray that someday you’ll come home and change him again.
When you come home I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me for everything I’ve done, not only to you but to all the people you love. I just home you come home Emily. We all love you so much.
Love,
Mike
I set the letter down in my lap and take a deep breath. All of this is a lot to take in. They are all so good to me. They deserved to be a happy family. I can’t believe they’re not anymore. I think about Mike, how he’s not the same man who wrote me this letter. If being separated from Cora made him stop caring about everything, I can’t imagine what her death has done to him. And to Danny.
I wonder if Cora can see us. I wonder what she thinks about the fact that I’m just up the path from her family, that I’ve been here for almost two weeks, and I haven’t gone to see any of these people who seem to love me so much, at least they used to. “I’m sorry Cora, if I’m letting you down,” I whisper into the air.
Love Is Relative Page 4
