“That sounds like fun,” Jessa says skeptically.
“We usually have a good time there.” He turns his eyes back to me.
It seems like he’s making innuendos again but nothing intimate ever happened between us at the caves… although, with the strange glowing lights and the otherwise darkness it would be a good place to… what the hell am I thinking? I shake my head and look up at him.“You want to go to the caves?”
“Well yea, if you’ll come with me. If I recall it’s one of the things you suggested I do with you.” He smiles mischievously at me.
“Okay,” I say, tuning from him to the girls. “You guys up for some spelunking?” I notice Danny’s head turn towards them and their expressions become stiff as a result.
“Um... no, that’s okay,” Nat says uncomfortably. “You guys go on ahead; Jessa and I were just there the other week.”
“You sure?”
“They don’t want to come, Emily,” Danny says, stepping out of the booth and grabbing my hand to help me out.
“You don’t have to be so rude,” I tell him.
“That’s okay,” Nat says smiling up at Danny. “You two go have fun, we’ll stay here and finish your banana split.”
“She’ll call you later,” Danny says, dragging me towards the door.
“Don’t tell me,” I say once I’m strapped into Danny’s truck. “Cliff told you I was at Scoops.”
“Yep.”
“Did you get him on the phone again?” I ask skeptically.
“Nope. I walked up the hill to find you but I found your grandpa instead.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Are you mad that I came here?”
“No, of course not. But I could have done without the suggestive banana split conversation.”
He looks at me with mock confusion. “What are you talking about? I wanted some of your ice cream and you wouldn’t share.”
“Seriously, Danny, do you know how much crap I’m going to get for that?”
“I’m sorry, Em, like I told you, I don’t know what to do with you. When I’m not thinking about it too hard that’s how things come out. I’ll try harder to pretend like I don’t want you.”
“Danny, shut up,” I say, reaching over to slap his arm.
“Don’t hit me; you were playing along with me. If you’re gonna sit over there and pretend like you don’t have anything but brotherly feelings for me then go ahead, but I know it’s not true.”
“I already told you how I feel about you. That’s not the point and you know it. I’m not pretending, Danny, I’m just trying to behave like a human with some sort of morals.”
“Because having feelings for me would be immoral?”
“Yes, Danny. Considering there is a very good chance that we have the same father, acting on my desires for you would be extremely immoral,” I practically shout at him.
“Desires?” he asks simply.
“Shut up,” I say turning my attention to the view outside my window.
He lets out a low laugh but then drops the subject.
#
We’re about ten feet into the cave and I have goose bumps covering my entire body; I forgot how cold it is underground. Especially in contrast to the warm air above ground, which is the weather I’m currently dressed for- my shorts and t-shirt aren’t really cutting it. Danny, on the other hand, had a plan so he’s comfortably dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie. I hug myself trying to capture all the warmth I can when Danny suddenly stops in his tracks. “You’re freezing,” he says like he’s shocked by this notion. It is fricking cold down here, of course I’m freezing. He pulls his sweatshirt over his head and I’m momentarily warmed when I see his stomach exposed. He pulls his sweatshirt over my head and by the time I can see again his skin is safely covered by his tight, blue t-shirt- this view isn’t so bad either. “I should have brought you some clothes.” He looks down at my exposed legs in a way that makes me blush. “We don’t have to do this.”
“Please, I’m not a baby. I can handle being a little cold.”
He looks at me, trying to decide if I’m bullshitting him. Finally, he slings an arm around my shoulder and pulls me tight into his side. I’m instantly warmed, hot in fact. His touch has me feeling like I’m burning from the inside out.
“We should catch up,” I say, noticing that the group we were required to be a part of in order to tour the caves is almost out of eye sight.
“I don’t think they’ll miss us,” he says, ducking into a dark alcove.
“You have something against group activities?”
“Yea, I do. I’m pretty sure the two of us know more about these caves than the damn park ranger who probably grew up a thousand miles from here.”
“Remember the last time we were here… that family with all those kids and the mom who asked every obvious question in the book?”
“My point exactly, we were here for half the day. You can’t leave once they realize you’re part of the group. Better to cut ties early on so they don’t miss us too much.”
“I think we’re probably safe now.” Our group is nowhere in sight and the enthusiastic voice of the next group leader is making its way towards the cave entrance.
He guides me out of our hiding spot, never relinquishing his grip on me. I settle into his side and lazily wrap my arm around his narrow waist. “Cozy?” he asks in an amused tone, as if I were the one who made the first move.
“Not really, but you’re offering to keep me warm so I’ll take what I can get.” I try to sound sincere but he just pulls me in closer.
We walk quietly through the dark hall-like structure and I think how happy I am to be here. I’ve always loved these caves. Danny and I used to bike up here with our season park passes almost every day. They still seem magical. Being here used to make me feel like I was on some great sci-fi adventure but now, tucked into Danny in the dark, It still feels like fiction, but not the same kind.
When we get too close to our former group mates Danny veers right into a part of the cave that is always taped off because a stalagmite fell from it ten years ago and gave someone a concussion. We always sneak back here because it’s one of the most beautiful parts of the cave. It’s really not a danger but the idea that it could be makes it that much more fascinating.
“Watch your head,” Danny says out of nowhere and I automatically cower into his strong chest and I feel his arms encompass my back. I don’t hear him laughing but I feel the vibration in his chest. This is a stupid stunt he plays every time we come in here and I always fall for it.
This time I linger, getting lost in the scent of his skin and the feel of his body wrapped around mine. I give myself a good twenty seconds before reaching down and pinching his side. “Jerk,” I mutter, although I’m smiling at him like a damn puppy that just got his belly scratched. I’m counting on the darkness of the cave to mask the overt giddiness that his touch produces in me.
“Old habits…,” he explains.
“Remember when I was eight and you were ten and I found out that kicking you between your legs hurt especially bad so I made it a habit of mine to do it every time you turned your back to me?” I threaten.
“Someday when I’m unable to make babies I’m going to sue you for that summer.”
“I believe there is something called a statute of limitations.”
He laughs but doesn’t continue our banter. Instead, he backs into the manmade railing and pulls my back against him before, once again, wrapping me up in his arms. I’m momentarily distracted by the way his body feels pushed against mine but then I focus on the reason he put me in this position, the reason this forbidden path is so beautiful. In front of me is a hole in the cave wall, like a window into the unknown. The hole reveals a space that is lit by manmade lights that reflect of the limestone icicles dripping from the ceiling. There are dozens of them and it’s impossible to determine how far back they go; it could be forever. They hover over a pool of water that is so blac
k it feels ominous, epically in contrast to the beautiful glow of the stalagmites. Looking at it sends shivers through my body. It’s just like looking down from an extremely high building, although, I’m in no danger of falling into that black pool since I’m safely wrapped up in Danny’s arms. Still, the notion of it is enough to send fear through my bones. Danny holds me tighter. “Don’t worry, I got you,” he whispers, fully aware of the effect this view has on me.
“It’s stupid… I know.”
“It’s not stupid,” he says quietly. “What is it that scares you about that water?”
A shiver runs through my body and Danny runs his hands up and down my arms. “I feel like it could pull me in and then I would never be able to get out… out of the water, out of the room… the darkness, the fact that I can’t see the bottom. I feel it pulling me and it scares me.”
He lets out a sarcastic sounding laugh that I don’t understand. “I won’t let it pull you in.”
Things have quickly become intense and when we hear a group of people outside of the taped-off entrance I realize I have completely forgotten where I am. I turn and duck into Danny’s chest, afraid I’ll be seen trespassing. He lets his body slide down the railing until he’s crouched and I’m tucked into a ball in his arms. I start to laugh then immediately try to stop it. I don’t want anyone to her us, but the more I try to stop it the harder I laugh. “Shh,” Danny scolds, but he’s broken out in laughter too. “Em, seriously,” he says but his laughter just makes mine worse. He cups his hand over my mouth and tilts my chin up so that my eyes meet his. “Shh,” he says, seriously now. My eyes lock on his and it feels like too much. It hurts to look at him right now; I want to be closer than this. I don’t want this to be the limit.
He removes his hand from my mouth and his breath brushes my lips, I let them part so I can feel it enter my mouth. I want his mouth on mine so badly. The ache between my legs spreads to my stomach and I want to cry. Danny lifts his hand and it hovers inches from my face. His eyes shift to my mouth before he brushes my lower lip with his thumb. I suck in a hard breath and have to stop myself from moaning. His eyes flash back to mine and even in the darkness I can see the panic in them. “Just once?” he asks desperately.
I know what he’s asking and at the moment I don’t care if he could be my brother. There is nothing in the world that could make me tell him no. “Yes,” I whisper. He inches closer to me and my ache becomes unbearable. His breathing picks up and then he lets his lips touch mine. The moan I have been holding onto escapes when his flesh touches mine.
“Oh, God,” he murmurs against my lips before taking the bottom one in his. It hurts; the pressure inside of me, his wet lips on mine. My hand moves to his hair and I have to fight to not pull too hard. His hand moves to the back of my neck and pulls me deeper into his mouth. His tongue pushes against mine, I push right back. I can’t get deep enough; I can’t get enough of him. He hardens against my leg and I feel my moan all the way to the pit of my stomach. This feels so painfully good. Our mouths inside of each others feels so unfairly perfect.
When his mouth slows and his tongue backs out of my mouth I panic; I do not want this to end, I know I won’t have this again. But he takes the tip of my tongue in his teeth and bites down softly before sucking on it with his lips. “You taste so good,” he tells me.
I moan, against my will. “You feel so good.”
His tongue dives into my mouth and his large fingers caress my hair, my back, my arms; leaving a burning trail wherever they go. When they brush the side of my breast I let out a loud breath and shift my body so that the base of my stomach is pushed into his hardness. I’m so close; I’m so close to the burn finding the one thing that could make it go away.
Danny, as if reading my mind, cups his hands under my bottom and lifts my legs over his waist and pulls me into him. Dear Lord, I have to stifle a scream of ecstasy as a small tear falls from my eye. I let my hips move up and down because that’s what they want to do and it feels so damn good – the friction. The tears fall down my cheeks from the relief.
Danny’s mouth suddenly leaves mine and, although I can’t see him clearly in the dark cave, the way his body has become still tells me something’s wrong. “What?” I ask, desperately.
“Are you crying?” he whispers.
“No,” I whisper back.
“I can taste your tears,” he tells me.
“It’s just because it feels so good, Danny. It’s just because it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore.”
“What do you mean… you’re hurting?” His voice sounds way too serious. Fricking tears.
“Please, Danny. They’re good tears, please don’t stop kissing me.”
He hesitates for a moment but then his lips find mine again and I let out a sigh of relief.
#
I don’t know how long Danny and I stayed in that cave. It was a long time but not long enough. As we exit into the sunlight, into reality, my heart sinks. He’s still holding onto my hand but I know that whatever happened to us in the darkness will remain there in the darkness.
The closer we get to home the more depressed I become. As we pull down the dirt drive at Grandma’s and Grandpa’s I know he’s about to leave me and I feel impossibly sad. “I gotta go home and get dinner started,” he tells me after he puts the truck in park.
I can’t seem to let go of his hand.“Okay,” I finally say, releasing his fingers.
“You want me to text you when the kids are asleep, you could come hang out with me?”
“Yea,” I say but then begin to panic at the idea of being alone with him. “You know that what we did can’t happen again?” I force the words out since it’s the last thing in the world that I want to be true.
“I told you… just once. I’ve been holding onto our first kiss all these years. I just needed you for a moment, I just needed to see if it was as good as I remembered.”
“Yea,” I say letting my eyes fall away from his.
He puts his hand on my chin and lifts my eyes back to his. “It was so much better than I remembered.”
My body aches but I force a small smile, trying to pretend like I’m happy about our second, but last, kiss.
“It’s gonna be damn hard not to do it again,” he says staring intently at my mouth.
“Painfully hard,” I agree.
“What the hell are we gonna do, Em?”
I shake my head at him, how the hell am I supposed to answer that? “You leaving would probably be a good start. Text me later,” I say, and before reluctantly stepping out of the truck.
Danny
I managed to make dinner, play three rounds of Sorry with Jason and Maddie and watch an hour of Nova entirely on auto pilot. Couldn’t tell you how the hot dish turned out or who won at Sorry, I’m not even sure what Nova was about. All I do know is that I have to figure shit out with Emily. I can’t stay in this state of limbo with her for much longer. Today at the cave was like an out of body experience- because a simple kiss with that girl is mind-blowing and because being in the dark cave, where I couldn’t make out her face clearly but could more than feel every part of her body, was surreal. It was hard to recover from our first kiss, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over this one. I’m never going to want anyone but Emily. I’m never going to want anything less than everything from her.
I spent part of Nova researching paternity on my iPhone. In order to find out if we have the same father we need her mother, but who knows where the hell she is. I need to talk to Cliff. Maybe he and Lucille would be willing to file for guardianship.
There is so much shit bothering me right now about this situation but what’s seriously eating away at my insides is the taste of Emily’s tears in my mouth. She called them, “happy tears,” and I understand what she meant; it was a relief to have her in my arms, in my mouth. But if her experience was anything like mine, it means she is now hurting more than ever. It was so good and the fact that we may never have it again is so fucking bad.
I stand and pace the floor while I wait for her to respond. After ten minutes I go to the cabinet, pull out my Jack, and take a swig from the bottle. I put it back, telling myself that will be it for the night but five minutes later I have the bottle to my mouth again. I’m about to walk up the path when her reply comes: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Why not? I type with agitated thumbs.
Because it’s hard.
Meaning?
You know what I mean. It’s hard to be around you right now. I think we should limit our activities to public places… but not the cave.
I shake my head at the words on my phone. I don’t want her to be like this. Are you regretting what happened today?
Of course I am. It was the best thirty minutes of my life but if things were hard before, they’re impossible now.
Her words make me smile before they make me cringe. I don’t want her to hurt. I think we were there for at least an hour, just so you know. And it was by far the best hour or so of my life, just so you know. Come here so we can talk about it.
I CANT!!! I’ll see you tomorrow, you can come hang out with me and the grandparents.
Emily, Please. I won’t try anything. I won’t touch you. I just want to talk to you.
That may be possible for you but it’s not for me. It hurts too bad to be around you right now. Just give me the night and I’ll see you tomorrow. Just give me a night.
My chest tightens when I read her text. What was I going to do with her tonight? Realistically I wouldn’t have been able to have her here, all alone, and not want more than conversation from her. Not after today. I wish I were as strong as her. She’s trying to do the right thing and I’m begging her not to. Okay… I’m sorry, you’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Thank you for understanding. You know that it’s not because I don’t want to be with you but because I want that too much?
Love Is Relative Page 8
