Yes, I can relate. When you say it hurts, what do you mean?
Minutes pass with no reply and I know she’s uncomfortable with the truth. You don’t have to answer that. I’m sorry that you hurt and that I can’t fix it for you. Have you ever tried to make the pain go away on your own?
WHAT?? Comes her immediate reply. Are you saying what I think your saying, or am I just reading too much into it because of my agitated state of body?
You know what I’m talking about. I would love to give you your release but if we’re going to behave then you might have to do something about it – it’s not gonna go away on its own, trust me.
You’re such a pervert.
Think what you want but I’m just trying to help. Seriously, Emily, it will make you feel better. There’s nothing wrong with making yourself feel good – I’ve had to do it twice a day since you’ve been back.
Oh my God, I cannot believe we are having this conversation. You are just making everything hurt worse. I’m going to bed. Bring your perverted butt over in the morning. Don’t have too much fun with yourself tonight.
I’ll leave you alone but think about… seriously. It’s so easy and you’ll feel so much better.
I wait for a reply, the message bubble appears letting me know she’s typing something, but then it disappears. Whatever was on her mind, she’s not going to tell me tonight.
Danny
The kids slept in this morning and we’re all running a little late. Sue’s picking them up today and bringing them shopping. Usually I only let her take care of them when I’m working, which I’m not today, but sometimes she insists. I need her enough as it is, plus she’s picking up so much slack at my dad’s company, epically since I walked away from it all after my mom died. I should be there but I just can’t do it anymore. I’m trying to do his job at home; I can’t do his actual job too. Besides, the business has taken a huge hit since Mike abandoned it. The few people that are left can handle it and having Mike’s son around isn’t going to help anything.
“Maddie hurry up, she’s coming and I don’t want her waiting on us,” I say, hearing a car coming up the road. I listen as the vehicle passes by and I realize it’s not Sue.
Jason’s looking out the front window and he tells me, “It’s just Noah.”
Hell. I know he’s stopped by a few times since I’ve been hanging out with Em but I haven’t been there to see him. I feel the familiar rage spread through my body. When I hear another car pull up I’m relieved. It’s Sue and I need to get to Emily’s.
I rush the kids outside and tell Sue thanks before heading down the road. I walk by his truck parked in the drive way and I’m tempted to punch the damn window out. As I clear the hill I can see his stupid ass sitting on the fence watching her change the chicken feed.
“You gonna just sit there and watch her? Might as well help the girl out seeing how you insist on coming here every damn day,” I say, as I approach them from behind. I’m talking to Noah but I’m looking at Emily.
“Did you take the road?” she asks, focusing on the fact that I didn’t pop up from my normal direction behind the house. Her brows crease as she realizes I’m not happy about the fact that Noah’s here. She stops what she’s doing and opens the gate then comes to me, staring at me with concern on her face. She stretches on her tip-toes and wraps her arms around my neck. I wish this was her normal greeting but it’s not. I don’t know what she’s doing but I wrap my arms around her and hold her to me. “Calm down, okay?” she says quietly. “He doesn’t mean anything by coming here.”
I laugh. “Did you catch that, Noah?” I focus my eyes on him. He’s abandoned his comfortable stance on the fence and is now standing with his arms crossed over his chest. Emily takes her arms off me to turn toward him but I hold onto her waist. “Emily seems to think you don’t mean anything by coming here, you want to go ahead and tell her the truth?”
Noah looks at her before looking at me. “You’re such an asshole, Danny, you know that? Just because you don’t have it in you to be a friend to anyone doesn’t mean that other people can’t.”
“Cut the shit, Noah. Friends don’t cut each other loose so that they can go after each other’s girls.”
Noah laughs. “So she’s your girl? Because that’s not what she told me. If you care so damn much then why was I here every day listening to her cry because you hurt her? Don’t try to pretend like you give a shit about her beyond your own selfish desires. She might buy into that shit but I know you better than that.”
I make a move toward him but Emily turns her body and jumps on me like a damn chimp. “Stop it,” she says. I do because I know she doesn’t want to see this.
“Okay,” I tell her, looking into her eyes.
She slides off me and turns to Noah, but keeps her body pressed up to mine and her hands on my thighs. “Noah,” she says to him, “I appreciate that you’ve been here for me, and you’re right, you did listen to me cry over this asshole, but please don’t talk like you know what’s going on between us, or like I don’t know exactly who Danny is and what his intentions are. We’re not something you can understand. I know you think you know who he is but you don’t. I don’t appreciate you talking about him like he’s not a good person, because he is.”
“Believe whatever the hell you want, Emily, but when he breaks you again don’t come crying to me, because I won’t be here.”
“I never came crying to you, Noah. You just happened to show up when I was crying to myself. I didn’t ask you to come, I didn’t need you to come, so don’t act like you did me some big favor by sitting around here. I appreciate your friendship but there are only a handful of people I need and you’re not one of them. Danny is. So until you can respect him I don’t think you need to be coming around here anymore.”
“You are so damn blind,” he tells her. “You think you’re special to him, you think there haven’t been dozens of girls before you? Trust me, Em, once you give him what he wants he’ll just boot you out of his life like he does to everyone else.”
“Fucking asshole,” I yell, pulling Emily’s hands off of me and going to him. I grab him by the shirt, poised to kill him, but Emily’s pulling on my arm begging me not to. “Don’t you ever compare her to those girls, you piece of shit.” He tries to push me off of him but I’m not letting him go yet. “You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“Danny, let him go,” Emily pleads. “It doesn’t’ matter what he says, don’t let him upset you, it’s not worth it.”
“You’re right; he’s not, fucking, worth it,” I say, pushing him away from me.
He shakes his head and walks away. I watch him until his truck spins off down the road.
Emily
I watch Danny as he watches Noah disappear down the road. I should say something to him but I don’t know what, so I sit my butt on the hill and wait until he’s ready to talk.
When Noah showed up here this morning I wanted him to leave. I need to stop being so damn nice and just start telling people exactly how I feel, even if it’s not pleasant. I know Noah doesn’t have any interest in me like Danny seems to think; he’s been my friend forever and he’s never said or done anything to make me feel otherwise, but part of me hates him because he did shut Danny out of his life. What kind of friend does that? And the things he said to Danny… that just wasn’t right. I know Danny has slept with a lot of women since I’ve been gone and I know he would like to sleep with me too, if that were an option. But I also know that he loves me, and I know that I’m the only one he’s ever loved.
Danny finally turns and sees me sitting on the ground. He looks apprehensive about it, but he comes to sit by me. “Thank you… for defending me. I don’t deserve to have you be so good to me.”
“I wasn’t defending you, I was just stating the facts.”
“It hurts to think that you cried about me. That I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t know that I had upset you so badly.”
“He’s
exaggerating, Danny. I cried in front of him exactly one time and I wasn’t crying because you hurt me or anything. I was crying because I thought I had lost you, I was crying for your mom and your whole family. I was having a moment.”
“I know you’re trying to make me feel better, Em, but he’s right; I was shitty to you. It was shitty when I kissed that girl in front of you just to piss you off. It was shitty when I made you leave my cabin because I couldn’t handle the way you made me feel. It was shitty that I didn’t even call to apologize for three days. It’s shitty that I ever let myself be with anyone but you. And it’s shitty that I can’t be a friend to you, that I always want more from you.” His voice drops off and he puts his hands to his head.
“Danny, you are a friend to me. We can want each other but manage to be friends, right? Because I would be crushed if I ever thought I was just a friend to you. As sick as it is, I need to know that you want me, even if we can’t do anything about it.”
He lifts his head and looks into my eyes. “You know that you’re not just some girl that I’m trying to get into bed right? I love you, I always have. The things that I did while you were gone… the women I slept with… I was just trying to fill the hole you left in me. You are the only girl I will ever love.”
“I don’t like that you did that. I can’t stomach the idea of you with someone else. I can’t understand how you felt because my dad didn’t break my mom’s heart and I didn’t lose my mom, but I can understand that part of you was destroyed. I can understand trying to find something to take the pain away. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“This is probably going to sound completely heartless, but the only thing that broke me, that I never found a way to mend, was the fact that I lost you. What my dad did hurt. Losing my mom was completely devastating, but you are the only one I can’t live without. You are the only thing that has no replacement.”
I look into his pleading eyes and I know he’s telling me the truth. It breaks my heart that all we need is each other, but I can’t give myself to him and he can’t give himself to me. I want to hand myself over to him, I want to tell him that I am one hundred percent his, but all I’m allowed to do is reach out and touch his arm. “I can’t live without you either.” I tell him, knowing that doesn’t even begin to cover the way I need him, the way I feel about him.
Emily
It feels good to be relaxing in the sun by Nat’s pool. She and Jessa both live in the suburbs and have been neighbors their whole lives. Even in this small town there is such a thing as a country kid, me, and a city kid, them. Although downtown River Bluff is by no means a city, there’s still a big difference between the two miles that separate us. In second grade I was being bullied by Sadie Williams, the girl with the nicest clothes and the fanciest hair. She took offence to my dirty jeans, flannel shirts and lopsided pigtails. Jessa and Nat stuck up for me, even though they were just as fancy as Saddie, and they’ve been my best friends ever since. When I hang out at either of their houses, it feels like a fancy vacation.
“Seriously, Em, the way Danny came into Scoops the other day and whisked you away was so freaking sexy,” she says for at least the third time. “He’s always been the hottest guy in our school but since you’ve been gone he’s had a major asshole vibe. Seeing him all sweet and suggestive with you… my God, you are one lucky girl.”
I’ve been dying to tell her about kissing him in the cave but I know what we did was wrong. But Nat keeps talking like she’s excited about the possibility of us together… as in together. I’m having a hard time holding it in and if there is anyone I can tell, clearly, it’s her. “Don’t you think it’s wrong? I mean, you’re right, he is completely gorgeous but what if he is my half-brother, it would just be so wrong.”
“Really, Em, who cares? It’s not like the two of you haven’t made out before, what’s a few more times gonna hurt? It would be creepy if you grew up together in the same house as brother and sister but you didn’t. You grew up as best friends that became more than that. I mean, the energy between the two of you is insane. Just watching you guys discuss ice cream got me all hot and bothered. I can’t imagine what it did to the two of you. How could either of you deny what happens when you’re together? I say make the most of it – it’s not like you’re going to marry the guy and have disfigured children. Have fun, it might be your only chance. No offense, by the way, about the disfigured children. You and Danny would make the most beautiful children because, personally, I can’t believe you two are related in any way.”
I laugh because I’m relieved and because Nat always makes me laugh. “Okay. Don’t freak out but that day, in the cave… we kissed.”
“Eeeee,” she says, kicking her heels against the chair. “Thank the Lord! I’m sorry girl but watching the two of you is like my own guilty pleasure. Tell me, everything.”
I smile at her feeling like I can talk about him, about us, like we are some normal teenage couple, like I am just some normal teenage girl falling in love. “It was unreal. Kissing him was better than I remember. It was so good.” I stop there deciding that telling her about the grinding and groping is out of the range of acceptable. “But I’m pretty sure it was a onetime thing, a moment of weakness for both of us.”
“What? Why would you say that?”
“Because we’ve been together every day since then and nothing even remotely physical has happened, plus, it was clearly inappropriate.”
“Says who, your damn mom? Forget about what she says. You guys were in love, you still are. Don’t let her keep you guys apart.”
“Oh my God, Nat. I appreciate your support but obviously I can’t forget about what my mom said. It tore Danny’s family in two. It’s not like we’re dealing with some silly rumor. As much as I wish my mom was lying, I’m fairly positive she wasn’t. She fricking moved me half way across the country and she’s not one to let someone run her out of town. If it was some stupid lie she would have woken up the next day and pretended it had never happened.”
Nat sips her Coke and I know she doesn’t have a good reason to argue with the facts. “Well even if your mom believes it’s the truth, I don’t,” she eventually says. “And even if it is the truth, it doesn’t change the way you and Danny feel about each other. You deserve to have some fun, you deserve Danny.”
“Yea but what’s going to happen when we have to face the facts? I’ll be more in love with him than I am right now and I’ll have to let him go. I’m just asking for trouble pretending like we could be anything more than friends.”
“I hate to say this, Em, but chances are you’re never gonna love anyone the way you love Danny. Might as well love him as best you can while you can.”
“You really think so?” I ask, wanting to believe in her rationale.
“Of course. That’s something you’re going to regret – not letting yourself fall completely for the love of your life. Most people don’t ever get the chance.”
I’m falling for Emily’s speech even though she admitted Danny and I are her guilty pleasure, I don’t care. If someone is willing to tell me that the way I feel about Danny is okay, than I’m willing to accept it. “Well what do I do now?” I ask her, unsure how to proceed.
“Luke and I are going to the drive-in tonight, you guys should come.”
That sounds fun, I’ve never been on a date. “Well what do I do, ask him?”
“Yes, Emily. How’s he supposed to know to bring you there if you don’t ask him? Take out your phone and send him a text, that’s how these things are done.”
“Um, okay.” I reach down in my bag and pull out my phone. “What do I say?” I look at the shaking phone that is being held by my shaking hands.
“Oh my gosh, you are too cute. Ask him if he wants to go to the drive in with you and me and Luke tonight.”
“Okay.” I open up the message stream. Hey, I’m at Nat’s house. She’s going to the drive in with Luke tonight and wants to know if we want to come? I hit send before I have a
chance to chicken out. I just asked him out on a date. Oh, God.
Sounds good. Comes his immediate reply and I feel my heart rate pick up and a smile break out on my face. Before I have a chance to reply I get another message. What time should I pick you up?
“He wants to know what time he should pick me up,” I tell Nat.
“Six forty five.”
6:45 I tell him.
Is this a date? He replies.
“Oh, shit.” I look at Nat. “He wants to know if it’s a date.”
“Tell him, hell yes, it is,” Nat says enthusiastically.
I can’t tell him that. Nat just needs a little moral support… first date.
I’m jealous He writes back and I’m confused.
Of Luke? I ask.
Yea of Luke. He gets to take his girl out on a date. I get to be part of the support team. I want to take you on a date.
My smile widens, I can’t help it. I want him to want me; I want to be allowed to want him. I want you to take me out on a date. Maybe we can pretend?
Like a fantasy… I have plenty of practice with that. You don’t want to know what you do to me in my fantasies… do you?
“Oh, shit,” I say out loud, not expecting this drastic shift in subject matter.
“What?” Nat asks. All I can do is shake my head.
I meant pretend that we are on an actual date. No, I don’t want to know what I do to you in your fantasies. Are you trying to torture me? Because I’m trying to be a decent human being.
Sorry. I’ll pick you up at 6:45. Comes his polite response and I have to admit I’m disappointed.
#
“No,” I tell Nat over the phone as I try to get ready for my pretend date with Danny, “I am not wearing the jean skirt.”
“Why in the world did you by it if you are unwilling to wear it?”
“I’m not unwilling to wear it, it’s just completely inappropriate for tonight. I will freeze my butt off.”
Love Is Relative Page 9
