Maddie climbs out of the water and I force myself to smile at her. I grab her towel and hold it open for her. “Had enough?”
“Just taking a break,” she tells me.
I take out the sunscreen and start reapplying it to her fair skin. “You’re probably getting hungry, we should head back soon.”
“I just ate an apple before I went in, I don’t want to go home yet.”
“Okay,” I tell her, “we can stay a little longer.”
“Will you come swimming with me?” she asks, giving me her sweetest smile.
“Go swim with Jason, you don’t need me.”
She scowls at me and I feel bad. “You only want to go swimming when Emily’s here with us. When is she coming to swim with us again? I miss her and I want to go see Winnie.”
I close my eyes, pushing the pain back into my stomach. I shouldn’t have ever let Jason and Maddie get close to Emily again. I didn’t think this would happen; that she would just cut us off. That was a stupid fucking mistake on my part. Maddie asks about her every day and, although Jason won’t say anything himself, he always listens in when Maddie asks her questions. Every night when I see him reading his encyclopedia I want to tell him to put the damn thing away, that Emily’s never going to talk to him again. But that would break his heart and I know what that feels like- I don’t want him to have to feel it too. “She’s just really busy right now, Maddie.”
“I don’t believe you,” she tells me. “I don’t think she wants to be friends with us anymore.” Her eyes gloss over with tears and I want to curse Emily Winters but I can’t get myself to do it. I know that she loves my brother and sister but it’s not their fault that she doesn’t love me anymore.
“Maybe you’re right,” I tell Maddie. “Maybe she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore but she still loves you.”
“So it’s your fault that I don’t get to see her anymore!”
“I don’t know if it’s my fault. I want to see her too, I try to see her but she just doesn’t have time right now. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault.”
“It has to be someone’s fault.” She tells me, and I suppose she’s right.
“Come on, let’s go get Jason.” I say, standing up and running to the water. I can’t take anymore of this conversation. She jumps up with a big smile on her face and runs to the water. I’m happy to have distracted her for the moment but I know she’s not going to just forget. You can’t just forget Emily. I wish like hell you could.
Emily
“I keep thinking one of these days I’m gonna come by to check on you and you’re going to be smiling at those smelly pigs again, but that never happens. What’s it gonna take to make you smile again?” Noah asks, as he watches me throw feed for the chickens.
“I’m trying, Noah, I swear I am.” I am trying to tolerate Noah, but I can’t put a polite smile on my face for anyone who happens to speak to me anymore. It’ just takes too much effort.
“I think we need to go have some fun. I’ll take you to the movies; I’ll even go see one of those chick flicks, just to get your mind out of the gutter for a couple of hours.”
“You’re the one who likes the chick flicks, Noah, not me.”
“Like hell,” he says, trying to joke around, something that used to come natural to me when he was around, but nothing’s really that amusing anymore. “Okay, maybe a chick flick was a bad idea, but there’s more where that came from. It’s gonna be hot as hell again today, we could go down to the river….” I give him a scathing look, like he just said something awful, which he did, but not everyone knows that I can’t even hear the word river and not think of Danny… not that I’m not thinking of him all the time anyway. “Sorry,” Noah says, “I didn’t realize that was a touchy subject. You tell me what you want to do, Emily. We can do whatever you want. I just think you should try a different environment, it might help.”
“Noah, I’m just not good company right now. I appreciate that you keep coming here every day to try and cheer me up but I’m not ready to be cheery just now. Nothings gonna change that. I’m sure you have something better to do than watch me mope around the farm.”
“Nope,” he says, “I don’t have anything better to do. My only goal in life is to make you smile again. Until I do that I’m just gonna keep showing up here every morning.”
I force the corners of my mouth up into what I hope looks like a smile. “Happy?” I ask. “You can feel free to carry on with your life now –mission accomplished.”
“I meant an actual smile. I don’t even know what the hell that expression was, looked more like constipation.”
“I’m sorry, Noah. I just don’t have it in me.”
“Fine,” he says taking out his iPhone and focusing on it. Is he just gonna hang out here all day, check his emails or whatever he’s doing? I don’t mind the fact that he stops by every day, not enough to kick him out at least, but I have my limits and as far as I can tell it’s about an hour with him. “You can stay here and be grumpy but I’m going to the eleven o’clock showing of Oz: The Great and Powerful. Gonna get myself a big tub of popcorn and an Icee and forget about life for a few hours. You can ride with me if you want, don’t even have to sit by me in the theatre.”
When you put it that way… I mean maybe I could forget, or at least be semi-distracted for a whole hour and a half. That sounds like heaven right about now. “Okay,” I tell Noah.
“Really? Okay, as in, you’ll go to the move?”
“Yea,” I tell him. “But don’t be offended if I really don’t sit by you in the theatre.”
“I’m counting on it. I didn’t really want to sit by you anyway.”
“Let me get my work books off and then we’ll go,” I tell him as I head back to the house.
#
I take my boots off then figure I might as well put some clean clothes on so I head up to my room and throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I even stop in the bathroom and clean the mud off my face and body. I stop at the front door to tell Grandma I’m going to the movies. She looks pleased so I put on my flip flops and head out the door, happy to think I might be giving Grandma some peace of mind. As I step out onto the front porch Grandpa’s in his swing with a big glass of lemonade. “Hey, Grandpa,” I say, “I’m going to a movie if that’s okay with you. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
“Is that Noah?” he asks, looking at the idling truck in the drive way. I don’t know why he’s asking, clearly it’s Noah.
“Yea, it’s Noah,” I tell him.
Grandpa just nods and goes back to rocking. I walk down the steps towards the truck but I can’t help but feel like I’m making a mistake. I know when Grandpa’s disappointed, it’s just a subtle shift in his mouth, a different glint to his eyes, and I know he’s disappointed now. You’d think he’d want me to go have some fun, but I guess I know why he’s disappointed; he thinks I’m going to have fun with Noah and he thinks it should be Danny.
I have to talk to Grandpa. I told him Danny and I had a disagreement which, technically, isn’t true but I could bring myself to tell him the truth. I can hardly admit it to myself. I have to explain better though so he doesn’t keep hoping that Danny and I will work things out. This isn’t something I can work out with Danny.
Sometimes I wish I could. I hate myself for the way my heart still beats when I see his name on my phone or when I read one of his texts. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have heard what I did… that I wouldn’t have seen him with her. Sometimes I wish I were still living in blissful oblivion. But he would have broken my heart eventually- better that it happened sooner rather than later.
I miss him though. I miss his gorgeous eyes, I miss his smile, I miss his beautifully messy hair, I miss his voice, I miss his strong hands and his soft lips, I miss his smell, I miss his cabin, I miss everything about him. I really miss Maddie and Jason. I still have to hold myself back from going down that hill, or picking up the phone, or responding to one of his texts. I want to
forgive him so badly but I can’t. Even if I could, it wouldn’t make him love me. Clearly, that’s not something he’s capable of. I’m not sure if he’s capable of hating me. I’m not sure if he pretended to love me as some sick form of payback, or if he just wanted me along with his other women. Both options are unforgiveable- I know that. I probably owe him an explanation but he might try to convince me that he’s sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me, that he loves only me, and I’m not strong enough to say no to him yet. Probably never will be.
#
“Let’s do this,” Noah says as he pulls the keys out of the ignition. I’m regretting this already. I’m not ready to be out doing normal things amongst normal people, pretending like a movie can make me happy or even entertain me. I step out of the truck and Noah’s two feet from me. He closes the truck door and goes to take my hand but stops before he gets to close. He learned his lesson the day he slung his arm around me and I practically bit it off. I don’t know why the idea of his touch enrages me, I mean, I actually feel comfort from Grandma and Grandpa’s touch and Nat and Jessa’s. I think it’s because I know it would make Danny mad, which is so stupid- why would I care? Or maybe it’s because Danny was insistent that Noah was interested in more than a friendship with me. I trust that Noah’s being my friend right now but, I swear to God, if he ever tried anything with me I would knee him in the balls.
I stay close to him though as he buys our tickets and gets us popcorn and Icees. The theatre is pretty much empty, seeing as it’s eleven o’clock in the morning, but I just feel uncomfortable being anywhere like this right now. I’m relieved when we are seated and the theatre becomes dark.
#
The movie is finished and I can’t even tell you what is was about – a magician and some witches… I don’t know. I’m still holding onto my full Icee and I haven’t touched the popcorn. “Well, that was an epic fail,” Noah says as the house lights come back on. “If that didn’t work, I don’t know what to do with you.”
I let out a big sigh. “Just bring me home, Noah. I’m useless right now.”
“Okay.” He takes the Icee from my hand. “I tried.”
“Thanks for trying. Sorry I’m such a lousy friend right now.”
“I just wish I knew how to be a better one. I wish I knew how to help you, Em.”
“It just takes time, there’s nothing you can do.”
We stand and walk out of the theatre. I’m anxious to get home and less worried about the fact that I’m not there. This time I don’t even notice the people around me. I just focus on the exit.
We’re almost to the door when I hear an excited, familiar voice. “Emily!” I look toward it and see Maddie. I feel the unfamiliar sensation of happiness as I look into her sweet face. She’s running towards me and I automatically go down on one knee and open my arms to her. It’s while I have her head nestled under my chin that I realize she probably didn’t drive herself to the movies. I hold her there for a couple seconds too long while I try to get my breathing under control. “Where have you been, I miss you,” she says and I want to cry, I’ve missed her almost as much as I’ve missed her brother.
“I miss you too, Maddie. I’m sorry that I haven’t been around but I really do miss you.”
“Are you mad at Danny?” she asks me.
“Maddie,” I hear his deep voice and I can tell he’s working hard to keep it steady. “Let her be.”
“You can’t keep me away from her,” Maddie says in her angriest voice.
“It’s okay, Maddie,” I say looking into her eyes one last time before standing on wobbly legs. I can feel his body next to mine but I can’t get myself to look at him. Tears sting my eyes and I want to run away but my legs are too weak.
“Emily,” he says, moving closer to me. I can smell him and I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to feel his arms around me. This is so bad. “Can you look at me?” he asks. No, I think, I definitely can’t look at you because if I do I will either start balling or I will jump on top of you. I feel his fingers on my chin and I want to jerk my head away but it feels so good to feel his touch again. He gently lifts my chin. “Hey,” he whispers lowering his head until my eyes are forced to look at his. Oh God, this is too much. His beautiful eyes. They look sad and I want to change that.
“Don’t,” I manage to whisper.
“Don’t what?” he asks me.
“Don’t do that,” I tell him.
“I don’t know what I did. I don’t know why you won’t talk to me, it’s killing me, Emily. I love you, you’re all I care about and you won’t even talk to me. You won’t even tell me what the hell is going on.”
“Take your hands off her, Danny,” Noah says. “She doesn’t want to talk to you. Leave her alone.”
Danny ignores him completely and continues to stare into my eyes. “Is that what you want, Emily? You want me to leave you alone? Because if it is, if that’s really what you want, I’ll try. I’m never going to be able to let you go, I’m never going to stop loving you but if you need me out of your life in order to be happy, I’ll go. It will fucking kill me but I’ll do it. Is that what you want?”
He leans further into me and his lips are inches away from mine, I can feel his breath, I can see the intensity in his eyes. The two fingers that are on my chin are sending a trail of heat through my heart, into my stomach and between my legs. No I do not want him to go, I don’t want to lose him. I want him so badly.
“Emily, don’t listen to his bullshit.” I want to tell Noah to shut the hell up but he’s right, Danny’s words are probably just a bunch of bullshit.
“Stay the hell out of this, Noah,” Danny says but never looks away from my eyes. “Emily, please tell me you are not giving up on us, we’ll figure things out, or I’ll back off if that’s what you need. I don’t even know why you’re doing this but whatever your reason is you have to stop; you can’t do this to us.” I shake my head, confused. “Emily, don’t,” he says desperately.
“I can’t do this,” I finally manage to choke out.
“God damn it, Emily. I love you,” he pleads.
“She doesn’t want you anymore,” Noah says, pushing Danny’s shoulder so that his hand moves from my face.
Danny stays focused on me. “Is that true, Emily? You don’t want me anymore.”
“It’s true,” I tell him and it’s the biggest lie that has ever passed over my lips but I know it’s a lie I have to live.
Danny finally looks away from me. He pushes his palms into his eyes, then back through his dark hair. “If that’s what you really want, Emily, then I’ll let you go.”
“Emily,” Noah says. “Come on, let’s go.” I allow myself one more look at his beautiful face and then I follow Noah out of the building. As soon as the door closes behind me I break down completely. I can’t help but wonder if I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
#
When Noah drops me off, Grandpa’s still sitting in the swing; he must have dozed off at some point, or maybe he’s just waiting for me. I’m still shaking from my sobs even though I have managed to get the actual crying under control. There’s no way of getting around Grandpa, I’m gonnna have to talk to him; might as well be now.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay for a little while? I feel bad leaving you here alone,” Noah says.
“I’m not alone, I have Grandpa. He’s all I really need right now. I appreciate you trying to help me out but I have a feeling I’m not going to be up for visitors for the next few days.” I try to tell Noah, as politely as possible, that I need him to leave me alone.
“Don’t let him do this to you, Em. You don’t need his shit.”
“I can’t control how I feel. I’m doing my best.” I step out of the truck. “I’ll talk to you later,” I say, closing the door and going to Grandpa.
He watches me closely as I approach. I can see the stress on his face as he registers the setbacks in my appearance. I take a deep breath then sit beside him, rest
ing my head on his familiar shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and holds me close. “Did that boy upset you?” he asks, referring to Noah.
“No, Pa, not that boy. I saw Danny at the movie theatre. It was just hard, I wasn’t expecting it.”
“What did he do to get you so upset?”
“Told me he loves me and that he misses me. Maddie told me she missed me too- that didn’t make things any easier.”
“No, I wouldn’t imagine so. Are you ever going to tell me what happened between the two of you?”
“I don’t know, Grandpa. I know you care about him, I don’t want you to be upset with him.”
“Unless he laid a hand on you, there’s not much you can say that will change my feelings about him. I’ve seen him do plenty of things I don’t agree with over the last few years, it doesn’t change the person I know he is. People make mistakes, he’s made plenty, but he has a good heart. You know that don’t you, honey?”
“I thought so until I saw the kind of company he keeps. He’s just not the person I thought he was. I don’t think I like who he’s become. I don’t think I like the way he treats the women in his life and I don’t like that there are so many of them. I love him Grandpa, but I don’t like the person he’s become.” There, I said it. I feel immediate relief at letting go of that secret I’d been keeping from Grandpa.
“Are you sure about that? I mean that he carries on in that way?” he asks.
“Pretty sure. I saw him with one of his friends out on the porch the other night. It was late, I don’t know if she was coming or going but the way he was holding onto her and looking at her… it was pretty clear what was going on.”
“Since you told me your secret, I guess it’s only fair I tell you one of mine too.”
I lift my head so I can look at Grandpa. “You keep secrets from me?” I ask with genuine surprise.
“Just one. I promised Danny a long time ago when you were gone that I wouldn’t tell you. Seemed like an easy promise to keep since there was no way to talk to you.”
Love Is Relative Page 12
