“There is no way he is still calling her now that you’re back.” Jessa agrees.
I can feel Nat’s glare pass over me to Jessa.
“It’s okay,” I say feeling the need to defend Jessa. “I assumed she knew him pretty well as soon as I heard his name on her lips. She’s not the kind of girl guys are friends with. You guys obviously knew too, otherwise you wouldn’t have been so worked up when she walked into the bar. Were they dating?“ I ask, unsure if I want to know. I have accepted the fact that he’s not a virgin but if the answer is yes it means Danny lied to me. He told me he waited for me.
“No, Emily, of course not. Danny’s never had a girlfriend in his life, not since you left.”
“So he was just fucking her?” My words sound harsh and make me cringe.
Their silence is all the answer I need.
“He loves you, sweetie,” Nat tries to assure me.
“He can’t love me… not like that. I guess it’s really none of my business what he does with that girl.”
“Of course it’s your business. You can tell yourself whatever you want but you know, as well as I do, that boy is completely head over heels in love with you. He doesn’t care if he can’t have you as long as he can have you, if you know what I mean. He didn’t know if you were ever coming back again. He’s a man, you knew he wasn’t a virgin; I’ve heard you guys talking about it before. It just sucks that you had to see that. It’s just makes his past real but it doesn’t change anything that the two of you have.” Nat says.
“But she said he calls her five times a day.”
Nat lets out a sharp laugh. “Please. You know that’s not true. The girl was just trying to save face around her skanky girl friends. That boy has not called anyone but you since you’ve been back.”
“You don’t know that,” I tell her.
“If he’s not at work or with the kids he’s with you and even when he’s not with you he’s calling or texting you. You see the way he looks at you, the way he acts with you. There is no one but you on his mind, I promise.”
“But I can’t give him what he wants… what he needs.”
“All he needs is you,” Nat says, laying her hand on my thigh.
We sit in silence again and I’m trying to believe Nat but I realize Jessa hasn’t said anything. “What do you think, Jessa?” I turn so I can see her face.
“You don’t have anything to worry about, Nat’s right.” Her eyes crinkle when she speaks like they do when she’s not being one hundred percent truthful.
“What else?” I ask her.
“Nothing,” she says with a forced look of surprise. She’s definitely keeping something from me.
“Please, Jessa, just say it. I want to be prepared next time I run into Danny’s past.”
Jessa shoots Nat a look before opening her mouth to speak. “It’s just that…”
“Spit it out,” I tell her.
“It’s just that from what I’ve heard, she’s not the only girl Danny’s slept with.”
“Well, I didn’t assume so.” She gives me a tight smile. “So there are like a lot of girls… that he’s been with?”
“I mean, I only know a few of them...”
I suddenly understand what she’s trying to tell me. “So he’s some kind of player?” I ask sounding way too upset.
She shrugs her shoulders at me.
“Oh, for God’s sake, just tell me already. I’m just going to assume the worst if you keep acting all secretive about it. Trust me, I want to know.” She looks at Natalie again for support. “I need to know, Nat,” I say looking her dead in the eye.
“Does it really matter, Em? He loves you and his past doesn’t mean anything to him, it never has. Those girls were just a distraction; he was always waiting for you.”
“That’s great,” I tell her. “But I want to know.”
She sighs and bites her lower lip. “I think there have been quite a few girls but like Jessa said, we only knew a few of them. I think he generally went for older girls, like Kristie, the girl at the bar tonight. He was never very public about it. He never took any of them out on dates or anything like that; he never cared about any of them.”
I feel like I might hurl again but I hold it down, I’m too dam angry to be puking. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask her. “That he just used them for sex and never gave a shit about them? Because it doesn’t, it makes me feel sick. I can’t believe that’s who he is. My God, he’s a total asshole, and I was letting myself fall back in love with him.” I knew this, damn it. I talked about it with him like it was no big deal. It never sunk in. I never pictured it. I realize now, that I never really let myself believe it. That this is who Danny is. I push myself over Emily and out of the bed. I want to run, I want to scream. I don’t know him at all. The boy I love would never do that. Cora’s son would never treat any woman that way.
#
Jessa brought me home after I pretended I was calm enough to handle myself. I’m not though. I’m pissed and I’m hurt and I think I hate Danny. He’s been texting me all night and every time I read one I want to throw my phone against the wall. His playful words seem sick instead of sweet now that I know who he’s become. Are these the same words he’s sent all those girls to get them to come to his bed? Oh, Jesus, the thought of him having sex with someone like Kristie in that same bed where Maddie has sleepovers has me running down the hall to the bathroom. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Why didn’t I realize… after I saw him with that girl at the bonfire, after Noah hinted more than a few times that he was a player, after he told me himself that he had slept with plenty of girls, when I see the way every female looks at him like they want to tear his clothes off… why didn’t I realize exactly what he is?
Then I think about the knowing way he kisses me, the sexual way he talks to me like we are having a casual conversation. Why would I ever think he is the kind of guy that can go a few days without having a woman? The more I think about it, the more I believe Kristie’s words. I’m sure he has been calling her late at night after he has said good night to me and, if not her, than someone else who is just as skilled in the bedroom.
Even if I were okay with all of this, even if I could love him freely, I wouldn’t be able to give him what he wants. I’ll never be someone like Kristie.
Danny is the biggest fake in the world and I feel an overwhelming need to tell him. I look at his last text, begging me sweetly to come to him and I think that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Danny
I sit waiting for her response, so intently focused on my phone that it takes me a moment to register the knock on the door. When I hear it again I throw my phone down and go to it. She must have decided to just come over. I throw the door open and I’m confused for a second before I become enraged. It’s not Emily. Kristie, one of the girls from my recent past, is standing in front of me with her hands on her hips and a pout on her mouth. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“You haven’t been answering your phone. I was worried,” she says walking through the door that I had opened for Emily.
“You can’t be in here,” I tell her, not moving from the door. I take a deep breath and try to stay calm. The sight of her in my space makes me sick. I never saw her clearly until tonight… her fake blonde hair, her overly made- up eyes, her permanently red lips. She’s wearing some kind of corset that I’m pretty sure is meant to go under an actual shirt. Her fake boobs are pushed out the top asking for anyone to look at them. Her too-tight jeans and her too-high heels – they’re not sexy, they’re just sad. I don’t know how I did the things I did to her, how I could have ever let her touch me.
“Come on, baby, don’t be that way.” She makes her way to my bedroom door. “I’ve missed you, I know you’ve missed me to,” she says, running her hands over the top of her breasts.
I look away from her and feel the hate in my gut begin to rise. “I don’t want to be cruel to you but if you don’t get your ass
out of my house right now I will come over there and throw you out.”
“Ooh, that sounds fun,” she purrs and I feel the bile rise in my throat. “You’re going to have to catch me first.” She disappears into my room and closes the door behind her.
Fuck. I stomp across the living room then throw the door open with so much force I’m pretty sure I put the knob through the drywall. She’s standing beside my bed, unclasping her top. I go to her, ripping her wrist away from her back and dragging her until she is outside my front door.
“What are you doing?” she protests. “What did I do? Why are you so mad at me?”
I lean my face over hers, still holding onto her wrist. I’m trying so hard to control myself so my words come out in an angry whisper. “I don’t want to see you anymore, do you understand that? I tried to tell you nicely but you don’t fucking listen. If you ever come back here again I will not be as nice as I have been tonight. Do you hear me?” I ask, holding her wrist harder than I should.
She stares at me and I feel a hint of guilt. She doesn’t deserve this. If she had shown up here and started stripping her clothes off a month ago I would have finished the job for her. She doesn’t know that the old me makes me physically ill. She doesn’t know how good I want to be for Emily. I hold her under my gaze and I wonder what it’s going to take to make her back down.
“Fucker,” she finally spits before pulling her wrist away from my hold. I let her go and watch her until I’m sure she’s off the property.
I go back inside and pick up my phone. There’s nothing from Emily. God damn it, where is she?
Part Two
The Second Ending
Emily
I wipe the tears from my eyes praying that they are the last, at least for the next half hour while I finish up my chores. I’ve managed to control them the two times I’ve worked with Grandpa this morning but he’s not blind, he can see the redness around my eyes and the blotches on my skin. I have to get myself together or he’s going to make me tell him what’s wrong and that’s not something I can do.
After the night I had I really didn’t think anything could make me hate Danny more, but last night as I approached his cabin, I could see he wasn’t alone on his front porch. I don’t know why I was surprised to see him standing there shirtless with a girl, but I was. He held her close to his body and looked at her like he was going to tear her clothes off and take her right there on his porch. The back of her top was half undone so maybe that is what was about to happen. I was almost relieved when I realized it was the girl from the bar; at least I didn’t have to picture him with more than one face, but the fact that it was her meant she wasn’t lying. He sure as hell was; everything about him was a lie, at least the Danny that he tried to sell to me – that Danny was nothing but a lying asshole.
I keep thinking back to the night of the bonfire and that first time I went to his cabin. The way he looked at me felt like pure hatred and now I’m pretty sure it was. Did he make me fall in love with him again just to hurt me? Does he hate me that much for what I did to his family? Maybe. I think that’s reasonable. I probably deserve this but I’m not gonna play along with his sick game anymore. I’m sobbing again at this new realization. I don’t think the tears are ever going to stop.
I pull myself together enough to go find Grandpa to ask to borrow his truck; I have to get out of her, just for a little while.
Danny
I have to work this morning and it’s all I can do to stay put under this damn minivan. I never heard from Emily last night, haven’t heard from her this morning either. The last text she sent said I needed to find something to do besides bug her, she called me pathetic. I figured she was joking but maybe she wasn’t.
I didn’t see this coming, I didn’t think this thing we have, as complicated as it is, was something that she could grow tired of or get bored with. I didn’t think she was capable of just dropping me because she was done with it all. But she’s right, I’m pathetic. The girl’s been home for less than a month and already she’s the center of my damn world. If I’m being honest, she always has been, but when she wasn’t here I had to find other things to fill my sorry life. Now that she’s home, she’s all I need. I didn’t expect her to take it all away from me.
Before I realized this I thought maybe something had happened to her. I called Luke to get Nat’s number and he told me the girls had brought her home already. When I called her phone, again, and didn’t get an answer, again, I decided to walk up the path to make sure. I could see the light on in her bedroom. I waited there until I saw her pass by her window and I felt relief that she was okay but that’s when I realized- she just doesn’t want to talk to me. I sent her another text while standing in her yard. Hey, is everything okay? Can you just let me know you’re alright? I love you. Seconds after I sent it I saw her run past her window; I assumed she was leaving her room. I wondered if she was coming to me so I headed back down to my cabin to wait for her but of course she never came.
“You under there, Danny?” I hear Luke say. About fucking time.
I roll myself out from under the van and stand, looking at him. “What’s up?” I ask impatiently.
“Not much, decided to stop off before work and get myself some breakfast, sorry I’m late.”
“I didn’t mean what’s up with you. Have you talked to Nat this morning, what’s going on with Emily?”
“Yea, I talked to Nat on the way here. She didn’t say anything about Emily, but something was bugging her. Is something wrong?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t heard from her since she was at dinner last night. I’ve texted her and called her a hundred times but she’s not talking to me. Call Nat and find out what’s going on.”
“Alight, man, calm down,” he tells me taking out his phone. “Hey, babe….. I’m at the shop with Danny…. He’s been trying to get a hold of Emily, have you talked to her…..Is she pissed at him or something…. Wait, just tell me, I have to work with him all day and he’s just gonna keep bugging… fine, fine…. Seriously, Nat, call me back, like soon.” He hangs up the phone and shakes his head.
“What?” I shout at him.
“I don’t know. She’s all worked up about something. I think Emily’s there with her, she wouldn’t talk to me, said she had to go and then she hung up the fucking phone.”
“Seriously, man, I can’t handle this. I think she’s done with me,” I say, mostly to myself.
“What the hell did you do? Last time I checked she was just as sick about you as you are about her.”
“I don’t know… call Nat again, I need to talk to Em.”
“No way, she’s going to be pissed at me.”
I lunge forward, grabbing the phone out of his hand and hit redial. He tries to grab it back but I shove him off.
“My God, Luke, I told you to give me a damn minute,” Nat answers, clearly irritated.
“It’s Danny.”
“Oh… hey, Danny.”
“I need to talk to Emily.”
“Umm, I don’t think she can talk right now?”
“Why is that?”
“Listen, Danny, you’re going to have to give her some time and a little space. She’ll call you, okay?”
“No, that’s not okay… what the hell is going on? Why won’t she fucking talk to me? If she’s done with me, I would like her to tell me to my face.”
“Danny, stop yelling at me.”
“I’m sorry Natalie.” I pause to take a deep breath. “I just need to talk to her, just for a minute.”
“She’ll call you,” she says quickly before hanging up.
“Ahhh,” I yell and go to throw the phone across the room before Luke stops me.
“Dude, you can’t just go breaking my phone,” he scolds, ripping it out of my hand.
“I gotta go,” I say, turning to leave the shop.
“Danny, don’t.” Luke grabs a hold of my arm. “What the hell are you going to do? Go home and drink? Go track her down? I
’ll talk to Nat later and find out what’s wrong. Stay here and hang out, or we can both leave.”
“I’m fine, Luke, I just need to get out of here and think this shit through.” I head out the door before Luke can try and stop me again.
Danny
Three nights and four days have passed and I still have not heard a damn thing from Emily. I try not to call or text her every time I feel the need to because that would be twenty four/ seven. It doesn’t matter though because none of my words are enough to make her talk to me. I haven’t gotten much out of Luke either, even though he must know more than he’s letting on. I’ve even called Nat a few times but all she has to say is that Emily will call me when she’s ready to talk.
I’ve gone through every possible reason for her to cut me off like she has and I still haven’t come up with anything besides the fact that she came to her senses and realized she’s too damn good for me. Or maybe she decided that our sibling status was just to fucking wrong and cut me off because she knew she had to. The thing is, it’s not like Emily to be so heartless. Even if she didn’t want me in her life anymore I would have thought she’d have the decency to tell me to my face, or at least through a damn text.
I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s hard to not go running up that hill and forced her to talk to me. Everyone keeps telling me I need to give her space and that she’ll talk to me when she’s ready so that’s what I’m trying to do but this shit is not going to fly for much longer. Especially since I hear Noah’s damn truck traveling down our road every day. He gave it a rest for a while but I’m sure Luke told him she’s not speaking to me anymore, so he’s right back at it. I don’t know how I ever considered that asshole my best friend.
I’m having a hard time living outside my head. Even now, as I sit on the shore of the river watching Maddie and Jason play around in the water, I can’t see anything but Emily’s soaking wet body.
Love Is Relative Page 11
