You Ain't Seen Nothing Yeti!

by Steven Butler

  ‘YOU?’ Dad yelped, pointing in disbelief at the curly-shoed spectre.

  ‘PRINCE GROGBAH? HOW?’ Mum squawked.

  ‘I’M BACK, YOU DISGUSTING BANISTUMPS! NOW YOU’RE IN FOR IT!’ Grogbah shrieked back at them. ‘SEIZE THEM, OCULUS!’

  For a second nobody moved.

  Who on earth was Oculus?

  OCULUS NOCTURNE

  THWAP!

  The boy jabbed a finger in the air and hundreds of vines whipped from all directions, wrapping round our ankles and wrists.

  ‘NO!’ Mum and Dad shouted as the vines tangled round their legs and arms, forcing them down onto their knees and holding them tightly in place.

  The creepers crackled and crunched as they snaked round my waist, squeezing the air out of me, then yanking me down by my parents.

  I glanced over at Zingri, but she had been pinned to the staircase by the extra-spiky briar, which still clutched the bell jar in one of its twitching tendrils. Zingri tore great chunks of vine away, but they were instantly replaced with more strangling tendrils.

  ‘HOW DARE YOU!’ the boy screeched. His face turned pink and his eye was practically bulging with rage. ‘FOOLISH, LOATHSOME MAGICALS!’

  He jabbed his finger towards Nancy this time and she was catapulted off the wall, then instantly wrapped in a net of thorns above our heads.

  ‘Oh, my darlings!’ Nancy wailed down to us as the briar carried her higher and higher until she was dangling among the chandeliers. ‘I’m sorry! I wasn’t quick enough!’

  ‘Silence!’ the boy yelled. ‘All of you!’

  ‘You can’t order us around in our own hotel!’ Dad bellowed back, struggling against the vines. ‘Let us go!’

  ‘Lady Leonora! Wailing Norris!’ Mum shouted to our ghost guests, who seemed to be fast asleep in mid-air. ‘Raise the alarm! Wake the hotel!’

  ‘Nice try,’ said the boy, grinning. ‘Your spook friends work for me now.’

  ‘You can’t do this!’ Dad hollered. ‘Just who do you think you are?’

  The boy crunched carefully across the snow towards us.

  ‘The question is not who do I think I am,’ he said to Dad, ‘but who do YOU think I am?’ He looked from Dad, to Mum, and back to Dad. ‘Well?’

  ‘I think you’re a very rude little boy!’ Mum snapped. ‘Your parents will be furious when they find out what you’ve been up to!’

  ‘My parents are long gone,’ the crazy child said through gritted teeth. ‘And I’m not a little boy!’

  ‘That’s exactly what you are!’ Dad said. ‘A naughty little boy … with powers, maybe, but a little boy nonetheless.’

  ‘I AM ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD!’

  ‘And three-quarters!’ Grogbah added.

  Nobody spoke. This was all SO confusing. The boy didn’t look a day older than me.

  ‘I am very old indeed and much wiser than all of you,’ he said. ‘And very dangerous too!’ Then he laughed the kind of howling laugh that only a super-scary villain-type person would do.

  He turned to me and smiled.

  ‘Come on, Frankie. Aren’t you going to say hello? Don’t you know who I am?’

  ‘Yeah … don’t you know who he is, you bonce-belching skrunt?’ Grogbah joined in.

  I stared at the boy and wracked my brains. Something about his face did seem familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

  ‘Tell him, TELL HIM, TELL HIM!’ Grogbah said, clapping his hands and interrupting my thoughts. ‘They’re going to boogle their bunions with shock!’

  ‘I’m your great-great-uncle, Oculus.’

  I gasped. My uncle…? Suddenly I realised who this person was. THAT FACE!?! It was one I had looked at almost every day of my life. How could I not have recognised him?

  Standing in the middle of our reception hall was the boy from the painting of Great-Great-Great-Grandad Abraham. I had stared at him for hours at a time, wondering who he could be, and now he was here. Apart from the patch over his right eye, he looked exactly the same!

  My head started swimming with questions, and I remembered Maudlin Maloney’s words: ‘I knew old Abe well in me earlier years … and his son…’

  ‘W-w-what did you say?’ asked Dad, looking just as shaken as me.

  ‘I should have known you stinking halflings and quarterlings would be too stupid to spot it. It’s funny really! My portrait has been hanging in the hotel for over a hundred years and you didn’t have a clue who I was until I told you. I don’t know why I bothered wearing a disguise.’ The boy kicked the clay gnomad mask that had been discarded in the snow.

  ‘Uncle Oculus?’ I stammered. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end at the sound of it. What if Maudlin Maloney had been right? ‘B-b-but I don’t have a Great-Great-Uncle Oculus.’

  ‘Oh, yes, you do.’ He bowed. ‘Oculus Nocturne. Surprise!’

  ‘There’s been no one of that name in the Glump/Banister family tree. Ever!’ said Mum.

  ‘You are mistaken,’ Oculus said.

  ‘There’s no Oculus Nocturne in our family tree! I should know. I have to dust it!’ Dad shouted. He was losing his patience.

  ‘Jindabim!’ Oculus barked and his magpie whirled into the air from its perch on the water-witch fountain’s hand.

  We watched as it flew towards the enormous tapestry that hung on the wall at the base of the staircase. It was a great moth-eaten old thing that Mum hated, and on its threadbare surface was woven an ornate family tree with the names of every member. At the bottom my name was stitched in bright colours with Mum’s and Dad’s just above. But the higher up you went, the more faded and tatty the names became …

  ‘K-KAAAWK!’ Jindabim crowed as he skimmed the floor, then soared vertically up the front of the tapestry. I read the names as the magpie flew past them… Mankle Banister, Stodger Banister, Bombastis Banister, Festus McGurk, Lylifa Glump, Crumpetra Glump, Blundus Banister, Limina Lightfoot, Grizhilda Glump, Grottle Glump, Rozomastrus Bracegirdle, Zennifer Glump, Regurgita Glump, Abraham Banister, …

  Jindabim pecked at a loose thread just next to Grandad Abe’s name and pulled hard, flapping away from the tapestry. I watched with a pounding heart and a sinking feeling in my belly as the thread unravelled from the weave, uncovering two names that had been completely sewn over. One was a woman’s name, Olympia Nocturne, and the other was my Great-Great-Uncle Oculus!

  A GRAVE CHILD

  There was silence for what seemed like a squillion years.

  I could see Oculus was enjoying the bewildered expressions on our faces. He laughed spitefully at us as Jindabim swooped back down and landed on his arm, the long strand of thread dangling from either side of its beak.

  ‘I don’t understand…’

  It was Dad who finally spoke, still wrestling with the clutching vines. ‘Why have I never heard of you? And why do you still look like a boy?’

  Oculus glanced over to a smirking Grogbah and rolled his eyes.

  ‘I think the halfling is asking for a bedtime story,’ he snickered.

  ‘Ooooh, lummy!’ Grogbah said. ‘Tell it to them, just like you told me. Don’t miss out any of the disgusterous parts.’

  ‘I promise,’ Oculus leered. He waved his hand and a knot of vines creaked up through the snow, forming a small throne. Then he sat down like some tiny ruler about to speak to his kingdom and began.

  ‘I bet you think you know all about dear old Abraham Banister, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Dad.

  ‘He was a world-famous explorer,’ I said.

  ‘WRONG!’ Oculus barked at me. ‘Abraham Banister was assistant to my mother, Olympia Nocturne. She was the greatest explorer who ever lived! Fighting her way across deserts and through the deepest, darkest jungles, she discovered some of the most precious treasures and strange species of animals known to man. All Abraham Banister did was carry her suitcases.’

  ‘That’s a lie!’ Dad yelled, struggling to free himself.

  ‘I’m afraid it�
��s not,’ said Oculus. ‘He was a snivelling coward.’

  ‘A grunting little gonker!’ Grogbah cooed with delight.

  ‘He and my mother were in love and they travelled the world, Mum doing all the dangerous adventuring and Abraham making cups of tea.’ Oculus’s face twisted into a grimace at the sound of Abe’s name. ‘Eventually I was born and for a little while we were a happy family. It wasn’t until one terrible night when I was eight years old that Abraham showed just how lily-livered he was.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

  ‘We were in India, searching for a lost shrine, when we accidentally disturbed a graveghast bathing in the River Ganges under the light of the full moon. The grotesque fairy was so furious, she laid a dire spell on us there and then. Mother was turned into a bloated toad and fell into the rushing water. She was never seen again. I, on the other hand, was cursed with the graveghast’s kiss.’

  ‘That doesn’t sound so bad—’ Mum began.

  ‘When a death fairy blows its kiss at a human, they are doomed to walk the earth for ever and ever!’

  ‘Ahh,’ said Mum. ‘That’s not so good,’

  ‘My heart pumps dust around my veins and I’ve been stuck like this for over a hundred years, neither living nor dead, always cold and miserable, incapable of sleep! And we don’t stay fresh, you know.’ Oculus tapped his eyepatch. ‘Bits fall off!’

  ‘Right,’ Dad suddenly chirped before the strange boy could say anything else. ‘Thank you for the fascinating story, Oculus. It really was lovely. Now, if you could just make these vines go away, I’m sure we could sit down over a nice pot of tea and discuss this like—’

  ‘I’M NOT FINISHED!’ Oculus bellowed in Dad’s face. He took a deep breath and quietly continued. ‘The only person who managed to escape being cursed by the graveghast was … you guessed it … Abraham Banister. He ran away the second he saw that dreadful creature rising out of the river. He abandoned us, scampering back to England and claiming all my mother’s wonderful discoveries as his own.’

  I felt sick listening to my great-great-uncle’s story. It was heartbreaking. How could Grandad Abe have done something so awful?

  ‘I discovered Abe had come to live in Brighton because of some old newspaper reports I found years later, boasting about his adventures. I was too late, however. By the time I knew where he was, Daddy-dearest had already married a revolting magical and vanished behind the invisibility spell. I spent the past century searching for this freakish hotel, but even my new powers couldn’t help me. I was still human after all…’

  ‘Then how did you get here?’ Mum asked angrily. ‘Why now?’

  ‘My stroke of luck came when an angry little goblin ghost sensed my presence nearby—’

  ‘That’s me!’ Grogbah interrupted, giving a little wave.

  ‘With Prince Grogbah’s help and the added bonus of a magical blizzard pointing the way, I’ve finally found you.’

  Oculus stood up, calmly straightening out a crease in his shirt. ‘And now I’m going to expose the hotel to the human world!’

  NOT LONG NOW…

  Right, we’re nearly there, my human friend.

  THE GRAND FINALE!

  I know there’s no way in a month of Mondays you imagined that all the trouble earlier in the day was caused by a long-lost human relative dressed up as a gnomad. I certainly didn’t.

  And now you’ll be desperately wondering what happened next and I can’t say I blame you.

  What with me, Mum, Dad and Zingri shackled by vines, and Nancy being turned into a spider-chandelier, dangling above us, it was all looking pretty grim.

  Having Grogbah’s griping little ghost back didn’t help, and my insane child-uncle about to smash the rune-covered stone that kept the hotel invisible was the final cherry on the cockroach cake.

  I admit it all sounds incredibly hopeless, but you don’t think we went down without a fight do you?

  Ready?

  A FAMILY FEUD

  Oculus hopped onto the stone block, then clicked his fingers and smiled as his ghost servants sprang back into action. Grogbah joined Lady Leonora and Wailing Norris at the sides of the counter and they all stretched their twitching fingers towards it.

  ‘Up we go!’ Oculus said, then turned and grinned at us as they all started to rise into the air.

  I looked at my parents, who were still struggling against the strangling creepers. There was no way we were going to wriggle free without help.

  ‘YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU WEE ROTTER!’ Nancy shrieked as Oculus rode the counter higher and higher. She wasn’t having any luck either. Her arms and legs were flailing this way and that, but the vines held her tightly and didn’t let go. ‘SOMEBODY STOP HIM!’

  It was Zingri who answered Nancy’s plea.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin with surprise as the yeti girl let rip with the rumbliest roar I’d ever heard.

  No. I’m not telling it right. It wasn’t a roar … the noise coming out of her mouth was more like she was singing a low and extremely loud HOOOOOOOG! It echoed off the walls and rattled the icicles that hung from every surface. Lumps of ice started falling in all directions and smashing on the snowy floor.

  ‘HOOOOOOOG!!!’

  When she finally ran out of breath and ended the long note, everyone was staring at her. Even Oculus and the ghosts had stopped floating upwards and were gawping down, frozen in mid-air.

  ‘Ha!’ Oculus laughed, pulling a mocking face. ‘Was that supposed to save you? It’ll take more than some ugly singing, you mangy fleabag.’

  ‘I wasn’t singing!’ Zingri said with a mischievous wink. ‘That was Ulkish.’

  ‘What?’ Oculus said. He opened his mouth to say more, but was silenced by the sound of thundering hooves.

  ‘YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YETI!’ Zingri howled.

  CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSHH!!

  Before anyone had time to dive out of the way, the Arctic ulk exploded through the archway leading to the kitchen. Its enormous antlers were too wide to fit through the gap and they tore huge clumps of stone and brick down from either side.

  ‘HOOOOOOOOOOOOOg!’ the ulk bellowed as clouds of steam rose into the air from its flared nostrils. ‘HOOOOOOOOOOOOOg!’

  ‘The caravan!’ Zingri shouted to the colossal creature, waving and pointing her free arm at Maudlin Maloney’s little home. ‘Break it open!’

  ‘HOOOOOOOOOOOOOg!’ The Arctic ulk lumbered over to the little wooden hut on wheels and swiftly ripped the front wall off with one swish of its antler. Splintered wood and torn spider’s web tumbled onto the floor, as Maudlin’s terrified chickens squawked and flapped about.

  Inside, a wide-eyed leprechaun wearing a flannel nightdress and a filthy mob cap shrieked in shock from her little bed.

  ‘WHAT THE BLUNKERS IS OCCURRINATIN’?!’ the ancient fairy hollered, clutching the bedsheets to her chest. She stumbled out of bed and ran to where her door had been only moments ago. ‘Me home! What’s the meanin’ of this, you rambunkin’ little runties? First I’m locked up like a prisony-prawn and now me door’s been boogled!’

  ‘Maudlin!’ I shouted. ‘I’m sorry! We know it wasn’t you who ruined the feast!’

  ‘I told you that all along, you ninkumplumper!’ she bawled back at me.

  ‘I know! I was wrong! Please help us!’ I pleaded.

  ‘Help?’ she said, her face creasing up with confusion. ‘Help how? Why are you all bundled up like that?’

  ‘It’s him!’ Zingri yelled, pointing at the floating stone block and the boy standing on top of it.

  Maudlin looked up and gasped at the sight.

  ‘A human!’ she grunted. ‘I knew some tricksy-trevor was skulkin’ about the hotel … but not A HUMAN!’

  Oculus, who’d been staring down at the chaos below with an open mouth, suddenly jolted. He glared at the three ghosts floating beside him.

  ‘Hurry!’ he ordered. ‘Higher, you idiots!’

  The ghosts began twitching their fing
ers and they all started to rise again.

  ‘He’s going to smash the stone!’ Dad cried to the leprechaun. ‘It has the invisibility spells on it!’

  ‘We’ll be discovered!’ Mum joined in.

  Maloney’s face twisted into a grimace of anger. She glowered up at my great-great-uncle and balled her gnarled hands into fists.

  ‘SO!’ she cackled. ‘You want to play with the big blighters, do you? NO HUMAN’S GOIN’ TO TRUMPLE MAGICALS WHILE MANKY OLD MALONEY’S AROUND!’ Then she leaned out of the huge hole in her caravan and hollered, ‘GIRLS!!!!!’

  All at once, Maudlin’s squadron of flying chickens flapped onto the rusted roof of their mistress’s home and snatched up whatever strings of web they could get their claws on.

  ‘Fly, ladies! FLY!’ Maloney screeched.

  As the caravan wobbled into the air, she darted back inside for a moment, then reappeared, waving a strange-looking object above her head.

  ‘Here!’ she shouted, throwing it to the snowy ground at my feet. ‘Even a bad-luck fairy keeps a few lucky knick-knacks, you know!’

  I looked down and saw a knot of silvery weeds wrapped in a green ribbon with lots of little ornaments and shells hanging off it.

  ‘What’s that?’ I shouted. Whatever it was, it didn’t look very useful.

  ‘Trinkle-thistles!’ Maudlin replied as the caravan bounced off the staircase, nearly sending her sprawling back to earth. ‘They’re good for tummy aches, trapped wind, and reversing darklish spells. Very handy!’

  We all stared at the bunch of weeds, desperately willing it to do something.

  CRACK! CRICK! CRUNCH!

  Suddenly the vines that bound us and covered most of the reception hall disintegrated to dust in one small pop! My arms and legs were instantly freed and I nearly toppled face first into Mum and Dad.

  All around, tatty bits of old creeper rained down and vanished into the snow, followed by a flailing Nancy. She tumbled to the ground with a painful UNHHHH, sending a flurry of frost into the air.