Emperor-for-Life: DeadShop Redux (Unreal Universe Book 6)

by Lee Bond

  Emperor-for-Life

  ~DeadShop Redux~

  Unreal Universe Book #6

  By Lee Bond

  Follow me on Facebook! (I talk to people!)

  Email me! (I might not yell at you!)

  I don’t even know what Twitter does!

  What the fans are saying:

  Best. Series. Ever. Period. Underline. Bold. Underline again. I love this series. I've been following Garth since he was a subversive element in Latelyspace. I love everything that is Garth. The setting, the people, the Offworlders. I've re-read this series only the Engines know how many times, and I just love the casual mentions of things that could either be very important to the story or never heard of again, such as project rainmaker or the Graendel Complex. These bring so many possibilities to how the series could go, which makes me excited, and sort of sad, to finish the series. Another thing I love is that everyone plays a bigger role than it might appear at first. The only thing I could ask for would be a continuation of the audio books. Maybe after we learn more about James in the CC universe? Either way, please keep up the amazing work, number one favorite author.

  -Project Songbird applicant/self-proclaimed biggest fan, Russ H-

  The Unreal Universe is a place where I like to spend my time. These books are the first books I felt like reading again, and again. It reads like an action – martial-arts – science-fiction – comedy movie, that for some silly reason has not been made yet. The books are rife with an intriguing array of characters, that run the gamut from being fully artificial, to almost entirely organic, or from ‘outside’ the universe. A good part of the characters may be described as being megalomaniacs, but hey. At the end of the day, there is nothing more entertaining than overpowered, nearly immortal, megalomaniacal lifeforms scheming against one another to dominate the universe. That being said, we should not forget that there’s plenty of room for endearing and heartbreaking moments. Moments like when a regime military leader is reminded of his duties as a father while playing chess in a downpour. Moments where two unlikely allies both carrying secrets larger than the universe joint together to pull of the heist of the century. Moments where a sentient mushroom is sacrificed as a pawn in the greater scheme of things, or is she? Moments when a senior detective first wipes his glasses before he shows his younger colleague just how to read a crime scene. You know.

  -Yared P-

  Kindle Unlimited for the first read + $5.99 to buy for the next + $1000 for the vacation days to read it immediately when it comes out. Worth it.

  -George H-

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges that the trademarked status of various products referenced in this work of fiction have been referenced without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by electronic means, including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

  Copyright © Lee Bond

  All rights reserved

  SUGGESTED READING ORDER

  (LATELIAN CYCLE)

  1. FOREIGN DEVIL

  2. SUBVERSIVE ELEMENTS

  3. CITIZEN PARIAH

  (UNREAL UNIVERSE)

  4. DARK IRON KING VOLUME I: THY KING’S WILL BE DONE

  5. DARK IRON KING VOLUME II: ARCADIA FALLS

  6. EMPEROR-FOR-LIFE: DEADSHOP REDUX

  7. DARKNESS FALLS, LIGHT RISES: BROKEN DREAMS, SHATTERED DOMINIONS AND NEW BEGINNINGS (COMING WINTER 2019)

  October 1st, 2016

  Welladay. What a long, strange trip it’s been. When I sat down to write this book about a million and three years ago, I literally had no idea that it was going to turn into this gigantic thing. I had an idea, but I also had material from way back in the day that I wanted to use (the original Deadshop Stalemate, which is part of this book) and I thought to myself I thought ‘Meh, this will be easy. Three-quarters of the book is already done!’.

  Man, was I wrong.

  The original Deadshop was done. But not perfect, not by a longshot, and the bulk of the material was … unpolished. Some might argue that the work I produce now is unpolished, but I assure you, what I had to work through was … very … influenced by the 80’s and 90’s. Also, loads of spelling mistakes and grammar like you don’t even. But I did it, and all of you waited so very patiently, for which, I am eternally grateful.

  I worked on the original source material, got what I needed out of it, and sat down to start writing this possibly wonderful masterpiece you’ve got in your hands (or on your tablet, smartphone, computer, hopefully not an Apple ((hah, just kidding, I love you guys)), or whatever else it is you use to read e-books on), all with the full intention of being done in less than a year.

  Wow.

  Was I wrong.

  Allow me to meander for a bit, to explain how I was wrong.

  When I was a wee lad, I read. All the time. Hundreds of books a year, and I remember wondering, quite clearly, what was happening to some of my favorite series’. Case in point: the Harry Potter series. The first book, Philosopher’s Stone, can be read in a single afternoon if you’re a sufficiently enamored person, whereas the last one takes around about a month or so, if you’re absorbing the material.

  Why, I wondered in the earlier version of myself, is this taking so damn long? Why is this book so thick? Why am I hungry? Where is the pizza? WHO CARES ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT NEVILLE? OH MY GOD WHY IS HARRY HOOKING UP WITH GINNY AND WHY IS HERMIONE SETTLING FOR A WEASLY?

  Well, I got over my hunger, I dealt with my Neville issues and I’m quite confident that Harry and Hermione got the Wizarding version of a divorce and went on to have super-magic space babies, but I still hadn’t figured out why a beloved, much cherished series was getting fatter and fatter and …

  Until I got about halfway through writing Redux.

  Then it clicked.

  People.

  More people show up in the books, and if the author working on the material gives any kind of a damn about loose threads, lost plot lines and general badassitude, they’re going to work their butts off to make sure all that stuff is covered, which means bigger books. Now, I know from talking to some of you through my Facebook page that since you’ve made it this far, you’re all the way on board with whatever it is that I choose to write, but from my point of view, I’m sitting on a Holy Shit I Got To Get This Published fence.

  But … I couldn’t just fire something useless off, because I hate loose threads. That’s why this book, in particular, is as big as it is.

  Because we’re coming to the end.

  Yes. You read that right.

  The Universe is going to die.

  Darkness will fall.

  The Light will rise.

  The Universe will be reborn.

  And in very short order.

  In order to get there, though, there are many, many stories that need to be told. I can’t leave the people who’ve been with me since the beginning twisting in the wind. I can’t know which people you love more than others, and so I must treat them all with the same loving hand. Even though some of them may die horribly, or suffer in ways you can’t imagine, or get lost and never see another familiar face, the journey they’re on needs to be told, for you, and for Garth, who’s out there in the wilds of the Universe, doing what he thinks is best, and for the right reasons.r />
  Because all stories are connected, this far into the future. All lines cross, all lines intersect. Hope rides alongside fear, adventure hunts loss, excitement sings to sorrow.

  We’re close, now, to the End, like I said.

  But not all is lost.

  Because never forget, before he became The Engineer, before he became Specter in the Stars, Garth ‘Nickels’ N’Chalez was a caveman from the dawn of time, taking his first steps in a strange new Universe that he knew was broken, he just didn’t know how, or why. Before he became unstoppable, before he strode so boldly across the stars even Gods took notice, one man from forever ago opened his eyes and asked,

  “What in the utter fuck is this?”

  Followed by,

  “Is there seriously no pizza?”

  So, friends who’ve been with me from the beginning and those who are just getting on the ride, sit back, relax, pop open a beer, pour some scotch, have a Rootbeer float. Make sure you’ve got food on hand, a nice breeze, fresh air and lots of light, because this book is yours to read, and it won’t happen overnight.

  Have at it. Have fun. Laugh. Cry. Yell in excitement, weep in sorrow. Hate me for what happens, read with one eye shut because you just can’t bear to see what happens next but you can’t miss it. Tell your friends and loved ones where you are and what you’re doing so if you disappear for a day, or a week, they’ll know where to find you.

  The End is near, friends. Darkness will Fall, the Light will Rise, but before we can get there, we’ve got to go down the rabbit hole and into the Deadshop.

  Everything changes, now.

  Good luck.

  -Your friend, Lee

  Table of Contents

  Emperor-for-Life

  ~DeadShop Redux~

  Before the beginning

  Bollocks

  Endless Waves of Grain

  Mata Hari

  A Connection is Made

  The Beast in Sheep’s Clothing

  Tin Man

  Of Fruiting Bodies, Shapeless Forms and a Tapestry of Revenge

  ADAM’s First Big Day Out

  We Ain’t in Kansas Anymore, Toto

  1. Out There in the Wilds of the Universe

  Before We Leave

  Planetsfall

  Them Shapeshifter Blues

  2. Homegrown Chaos and Discord

  The Night the Lights Went Out

  The Beast Awakens

  Relax People, I Got This

  Are You Fucking Kidding Me Right Now?

  4. Orion’s Choice #1: The Fleckers and the Quarrymen

  5. It’s The Emperor’s Game Now

  Don’t You Think You Could Ease Up Just a Little Bit?

  Why Didn’t I Think of This Sooner?

  Give it to Him

  Hitting the Ground Running

  6. In the Wilds of Space

  The Sleeper Must Awaken

  A Whole New Kind of Show

  Hey, Has Anyone … Has Anyone Seen Our Quantum Tunnel?

  The Bloke in the Crystal Prison

  7. Emperor’s Never Cheat, But They Also Never Lose

  Is This Live, Or Is This Memorex?

  Bargaining Chips

  Emperor’s Lies

  A Quick Call and a Quick Peek

  8. Simply Not Possible

  9. Arcadians and the Things They Get Up To…

  Pointer Has a Think On Things Before Getting In Proper Gear

  A Rapscallion and his Scallywags

  An Accidental Crashing of Parties Yields a New Position in Life

  The Path of the Righteous Woman is Sometimes Marred by The Occasional Bout of Killing Everything In Sight…

  10. Orion’s Choice #2: The Great and Musty Mycogene Empire

  11. Hello, 21st Century, Prepare To Have Your Minds BLOWN!

  When Wild Predator Drones Attack! Over. And Over. And Over.

  Two Metaphorical Peas in a Temporal Pod

  Spelunking

  The Thing in The Box and Holy Shit, This is Bad

  12. Madness Abounds Pretty Much Everywhere You Look

  Math-meatics

  A Little More Huey, A Little Less Chad, If You Please?

  The Beast Prepares

  Well, That was … Easy?

  13. Mister Granger Goes to San Francisco

  14. Is Everyone Ready?

  DAY ONE: Out Damn Spot and Let’s Fuck Some Shit Up, Time Traveler Style

  Cheaters Never Prosper

  Even Emperors Can Fuck Up, You Know?

  DAY THREE: Unfair Advantage Explained, Metaphysical Musings That Could Do a Guy’s Head all the Way In and This Fuckin’ Hallway…

  15. An Android’s Quest

  16. A Day in the Life

  Shapeshifter Sorrows

  I Think Maybe We Found Our Quantum Tunnel…

  I’m Not Saying You’re Wrong, You’re Just An Asshole

  Bliss is the Opposite of Ignorance

  17. A Simple n-Space Geometry Leads to Very Many Deaths, a Bit of a Surprise, and an Awkward Conversation, From Which, Our Hero is Made Super Uncomfortable

  18. The Different Ways in Which Arcadians Approach Things

  Begging Your Pardon, Miss and Mister, But We Hain’t Got Time For This

  Kill Everyone, That’s What I’m Saying. Just, Like, All of ‘Em

  Clan of the Weeping Eye

  Down The Rabbit Hole We Go

  19. Samiel Decides to Turn The Heat Up Anyways

  20. Full Steam Ahead

  DAY 16: When Semi-ODDities Attack and Other Weird Shit

  Emperor’s Disdain

  The Danny Glover Effect

  DAY 18: WHO IS GARTH NICKELS??

  21. We Only Just Talked About This…

  22. Tales of the Weird and Unlikely

  Dragons in the Sky

  This Isn’t Entirely Wise

  The Billiard Ball Effect

  Black Altar

  23. DAY 19: When Two Time-Travelers Go To War

  24. A Little Bit of Everyone

  Celestial Beachhead

  The End of a Friendship…

  Your Granda is a Fuckin’ Cunt, Mate, Of the Highest Order

  Pinocchio Syndrome

  25. Master Assassin of the Planet Earth and Proto-Realistic Murder King, Chezzik Elteren

  26. Rounding the Corner

  DAY 90: Assassination Games and Other, Assorted Time-Foolery

  Chezzik’s Big Day Out

  A Decision on Who Garth Is Leads to a Slow and Painful Death. Oh Yes, And the End of Everything?

  Let’s Put a Pin in Our Cage Match for Now and Find Out What the Hell is Going On.

  27. What’s In a Name?

  28. We Should Be Getting Close to the End, Right?

  Book? What Book? Oh … THAT Book…

  The Pirate Queen and the Filthy Buccaneer

  The Scallywag and the Armored Vixen

  The Reluctant Matriarch and the Impertinent Herald

  The Commander and the Knight Errant

  They’re On the Final Stretch …

  The Whisperman

  The Omega Option

  King o’ Th’ Hill

  Who Loves a Good Nutshell? Garth N’Chalez, That’s Who! Loves Him Some Nutshelling!

  Stragglers? We’ve Got Stragglers?

  An Old Man and a Giant Walk onto a Space Station…

  Suit’s Last Hooraw

  Old Man in The Sea

  Tunc Potest Cadere Tenebras

  Hungry Little Devil

  Eye Spy With My Little Eye …

  Thirty Days

  The Shriven and The Clone

  Finish Line

  There’s a Flag on the Play

  But Wait … We’re Not Quite Done

  Two Old Friends, A Dark Secret, Revealed, A Quest, Given

  Ignorance Might Be Bliss, But Bliss Ain’t Ignorant (ADD SIDINDRA!!)

  Flight of the Dragon

  Okay, Now, Come On

  Jeremiah 31:16-17

  Fruiting Bodies, Dusty Words
, Dark Offers

  A Kennelman and his Hounds

  If Your Offer Still Stands … Let Us Pillage and Plunder ‘cross the Stars

  Stage One Cleared

  Fucking Time Travel, AKA Someone Really Is Fucking With Me Right Now

  If I Didn’t Know Any Better…

  GAMECHANGER

  Heuristic Intelligence Model, Interrupt

  STAGE TWO CLEARED

  Asshole.

  Before the beginning

  Bollocks

  Chad Sikkmund, whole and hale and hearty in ways that he hadn’t seen since before that foolish fistfight with the King of Arcadia something like forever ago, prepared to step through the nanoparticulate door that’d won him his freedom from that domed-over world, a jaunty whistle on his lips.

  He were in a great mood, and why not? Because technically speaking, for the first time in a long, long time he were a they again, only this time, he well understood why their brain were so noisy all the time.

  Meaning that if he truly felt like dipping into the old narcotic well for a bit of shits and giggles, it wouldn’t also be to bury the maddening crescendo of voices down to a dull roar. No, it’d be purely for the fun o’ it, hey?

  It were nice, knowin’ that yeah, sure, they might be stark ravin’ bonkers more than eighty percent of the time, but it were so much better knowin’ they weren’t psychopathic about it. That whole thing rest firmly on the shoulders of the gormless twat CyberPriest brother who’d voluntarily opted to ride around in a madman’s brain for an eternity.

  As far as they were concerned, that asshat CyberPriest deserved every bit o’ bullshit he –all o’ them, now they thought about it- had endured at Mad King Blake’s final party, hadn’t he just?

  Chad never would’ve –never could’ve- imagined that a second trip to nightmarish Arcade City could be so beneficial. Which were why they were in a great mood.