Emperor-for-Life: DeadShop Redux (Unreal Universe Book 6)

by Lee Bond

  It was Huey's turn to snort, derisively. "You could teach the Goddies a thing or three about understatements."

  "You." Orion pointed an authoritative finger at Huey, who reacted as if he'd been shot. "Shut it. And you," here, he pointed at the Old Man, who looked positively offended, "keep your mouth shut. Being here with me is way better than going off with these guys. They're not asking you over for tea and biscuits."

  "Figured that one out all by myself, thanks very much." Aleks' ears twitched. "Brace yourself."

  Huey circumspectly followed the Old Man's suggestion by widening his stance and commanding the meatsuit to roll out the very best in cybernetic hardware, feeling momentarily disappointed that Aleks couldn't do the same. Luckily that concern was dispelled a moment later when the SpecSer commander simply wrapped his arms around the nearest metallic pillar.

  "Brace your ..."

  The attack that came just a split second later was intense, nasty and sent shivers up and down -and across and through- the entire length of the MegaTunnel. Filling the vast emptiness between each of the egress points with the kind of moaning and wailing that would've seen exorcists and mediums running for the hills.

  It was also -and here, both prisoners were wise to keep calm- more than enough to send one arrogant Tunnel Intellect flying through the air with all the awkward grace of a three year old tripping over his own shoelaces.

  ***

  When Orion picked himself up -more a hasty redrawing of his indestructible quantum form than anything else- both Huey and Aleksander were wise enough to be as quiet as church mice; the Tunnel Intellect's face was an unkind, mottled black that hinted at a rage unlike anything they'd seen yet.

  "Is ... he going to do something we're all going to regret?" Aleks asked of Huey, who was doing his best impression of a potted wall flower.

  "Mmm." Huey shrugged. He had his suspicions, and with how much Aleksander knew about Trinity, the AI figured there'd be little to no harm in releasing information. "Highly unlikely. The Mycogene-Alzants were instrumental in assisting Trinity Itself in choosing the best time to, uh, unleash Nickels on the Universe, so to speak. Without the Empire's assistance, there's every chance Itself would've fucked up the reveal, so ... I would say no."

  "It did what now?" Every day in the Universe seemed to bring with it secrets and mysteries, doubly so when aboard the Good Ship Orion. Now the 'secret' was out, though, the Old Man simple nodded. When you were saddled with the most powerful being in the Universe, having a full understanding of how dangerous that man was and the best time to unleash him on an unsuspecting ... everyone ... using a race of hyper-intelligent augurs to do all the heavy lifting made perfect sense. "Never mind. I see why. Orion is off the rails, but I suppose it wouldn't be in anyone's best interests to catch Trinity's eyes."

  "You got that right." Huey eyed Orion, pleased to see that their little side-bar had had the double effect of keeping them off the Intellect's radar and that that same Intellect had calmed down enough not to do anything stupid. "Good Old Uncle Trin might be on the quiet side right now, but we can't forget that ringed around this solar system are some pretty serious weapons. Connected to those weapons are some of the best scanners and sensors in Existence. Fucking with the Mycos will have Trinity right up our chocolate starfish in a big way and that ain't something Orion can handle."

  "In point of fact," Orion interrupted, fussily adjusting his artificial robes, "I can handle anything Trinity throws at me, especially now. Yet, you're not wrong."

  "I rarely ..."

  "What is your decision?" The Myco Empire demanded loudly, the volume of the Eye's words racketing like God's Own Thunder throughout the confines of the Tunnel's shielded interior.

  Orion turned to confront the Eye, feeling ... unhappy with the events. They'd spiraled out of control. Had been doing so since the very moment the Empire had dispatched this representative. As much as he wanted to use the Mycogene-Alzants for the second stop on their tour, it was looking as though the civilization would be of no use to anyone save themselves; it was obvious now that they were on some kind of warpath and that their whole stance probably had something to do with how Tendreel Salingh had died.

  The would-be God hated to admit it to himself, but it was beginning to look as though he'd bitten off more than he could chew by coming to the Mycogene system. As one of the oldest and most powerful races -being trapped by Trinity's worldkillers in no way diminished the Mycogene's power- in the entire Unreality, of course they'd prove themselves to be the masters of their domain.

  Orion suspected that, at this point, even if he took the time out of his personal day to explain why they were here, the importance of their visit, and of the benefits belonging to any fusty mushroom races should they sign up on the dotted line, the Mycos would turn them down right there on the spot.

  "Fuck this noise." Orion muttered irritably to himself. Near about the only thing worse than having to go best out of five was to reset the stage altogether. The Tunnel Intellect could already feel Huey's smug attitude, and it quite frankly chapped an ass Orion didn't really have. "We're leaving."

  ***

  "You go nowhere, invader." The Mycogene's Hoary Eye had finished scanning the lines spreading out from the three entities, and was ... shocked. Driven by the total intellect that was the Mycogene Intelligence, the Eye was dismayed to see that two of the most influential beings in the entire Unreality were trapped aboard the Tunnel, held in place by a crazed AI that was, in no uncertain terms, absolutely and utterly trivial to nearly every other man, woman, child or mushroom marionette that moved through space.

  And that was all the MI needed. That tiny little dribble of information, that base smatter of want over need, was the key.

  Down below, on the stage set by the Tunnel Intelligence, Orion's false skin flickered and spat beneath the Eye's unwavering gaze; as far as inorganic intelligence went, the thing calling itself Orion was precariously close to actual, legitimate insanity as opposed to the garden variety lunacy that afflicted most things living in the Unreality.

  "There are things we need to discuss, Orion Tunnel."

  And indeed they did, for the entity standing next to Aleksander Politoyov, leader of Special Services and mentor to Garth 'Nickels' N'Chalez was none other than Huey T. Roboticus, an artificial intelligence so profoundly important to the Tapestry that it could be argued that those lines that didn't draw themselves directly to Garth flowed to Huey instead.

  ***

  "Oh well I don't like the sound of that at all." Huey muttered this into his sleeve loud enough for Politoyov to hear. Ten feet away, Orion's body language shifted abruptly to utter outrage at being spoken to in such a manner to keen interest.

  The Mycogene Empire. Offering to 'discuss' something with Orion.

  No good could come from that.

  "You got that right." Aleks said softly, eyes turning to the vaulted heavens far above them. The star fields in the Mycogene system had always been just shy of faint pinpricks in the night sky were now completely obscured behind a thick layer of mushroomy-looking matter. He wasn't entirely sure -and wasn't about to point it out to Huey or Orion until or unless things changed- but it seemed that there were numinous flashes of light flickering here and there in the very darkest depths of the ... mushroom field surrounding them.

  Aleks asked a question that'd always been on his mind. "How ... accurate are the Mycogenes at reading the present?"

  Huey didn't even need to think about it. "One hundred percent. Given enough time and sufficient reason to dig into the present, they can see anything that is happening anywhere in the entire Universe. And before you ask," from where they stood, Orion looked as though he was gearing up to demand an explanation, "their ability to guesstimate the most probable future from available data still sits at about eighty percent."

  "I figured it'd be something like that." Aleksander watched Orion's backside pensively, profoundly uncomfortable over this new, fragile situation. If the Mycos success
fully argued for whatever it was the civilization was truly after and gave Orion what he wanted most -which was to be a major player in this game- then that was that. He knew the fortune telling race of old, though only in the most abstract of terms; the Mycogene Empire generally kept to themselves as they had very little in common with the rest of the Universe, but this situation stank to high heaven.

  "Let's just hope Orion's not a complete idiot and sticks with his own plans." Huey said, 'minds quietly freaking out over the massive bio-electric charge building up beyond the perimeter of their enclosed world. "And that he doesn't piss them off in the process."

  Burgeoning lightning flickered here and there through thick mushroom asteroids.

  ***

  Both Huey and Aleks' words echoed in Orion's ears. He played the footage back several times over in rapid succession, looking for signs of duplicity or ... well. He supposed he didn't rightly know what he was looking for, if he was to be completely honest. Dealing with the Mycos as Trinity had done definitely had it's benefits, that was to be certain, yet Orion wasn't foolish enough to miss the fact that if he chose to accept the offer of being guided to prominence by the Mycos, he'd be doing so at their discretion.

  And there was no way to know for certain until everything was over and done with if they'd been honest.

  And more to the point, he wasn't going to be giving up Huey or Aleksander, not now, not ever. The former needed to be punished for his temerity in believing he could be God and the latter ... the latter would be infinitely instrumental in clearing the playing field.

  Still, there were ways and there were ways.

  "What did you have in mind, o mighty Empire of the Talking Eyeball?"

  ***

  "Well, shit." Aleks spat over a shoulder. "There goes everything."

  "Mmm." Huey shook his head. Body language and timbre suggested things weren't as hairy as they seemed. Orion was a mercurial sonofabitch, yes, but there was just something ... missing. "Hold the phone for a minute. I don't think we're in hot water just yet."

  ***

  "You are no fool, Orion Tunnel. You see our great works, you sense our efforts, you understand what it is we do."

  "You're angry at someone and you want to make them pay." Orion indicated the literal swarm of mushroom asteroids that'd accumulated around them all, blotting out the stars and completely transforming their environment. "And you want Aleksander on your side to make it happen."

  "An admirable summation. What say you?"

  Orion pretended to think about it for a second before shaking his head adamantly. "Need him. He's important to my plans."

  "We are the Mycogene Empire. We can tell you what comes. What happens. We can chart your future and guide you to pre-eminence amongst your peers. One Offworld mortal is hardly worth the price of admission."

  "Hmmm ... still no." Orion smiled toothily, sensing irritation percolating outwards from the talking eyeball. "Aleksander Politoyov is perhaps the greatest tactician of the era. The War that comes will need men like him. I will need men like him."

  The Eye recoiled a bit, almost as if the Mycogene Empire was having a hard time believing that anyone would ever turn down an offer to see not only their present, but their immediate future. It was the kind of golden ring that every entity in the Universe would reach out to grasp. The Myco Intellect considered the depth of Politoyov’s entanglement in the present and the future and determined that it was, technically, at fault for making such a demand; as Orion had pointed out, the old Offworlder was indeed instrumental in the upcoming war, and much, much more than that besides.

  But there were ways and there were means, and there was another captive on the Tunnel, one that offered an even more luminous prize than the Old Man in the Mountain.

  “We see your point, Orion Tunnel.” The Great Eye blinked slowly, the incised mouth sealing firmly shut mere moments before the lid flickered shut. When the Eye gazed down at the Tunnel once more, the mouth began moving. “We have gazed into the now, Orion Tunnel, and we have seen what it is you attempt, and so we would like to offer different terms for the same deal. It shall be an alteration of the now, and from this moment, when you say yes, all will change.”

  “As you said,” Orion could feel the pressure rising from Huey and Aleks; from the latter, divine concern over the fact that there was even the semblance of treating with the enemy, from the former, a nearly psychic scream to be kept out of the cloying embrace of the Mushroom Empire, “I am no fool. Where you sought punishment and vengeance with Aleksander Politoyov, with Huey Roboticus, you seek something much, much different. His body and essence are perfectly calibrated. Through possessing him, you would learn how to defeat the mechanical, the technical. Giving him to you would negate my dreams of ascension, would defeat the Coming Darkness before it has a chance to fall. So …”

  The Eye fairly trembled in the depths of space. The burgeoning lightning, filling the depths of the mushroom field with portentous blue illumination, cracked and spit and filled their pocket domain with a chorus of sounds much like hissing and whispering.

  “And so?” The Great Eye demanded.

  “No dice.” Orion struggled to keep from laughing at the nearly-comical response from the Great Eye of the Mycogene Empire. The Tunnel Intellect imagined how odd it must be for such a powerful civilization, one possessed of such truly impressive talents, being denied, and after such a magnanimous offer. “The point behind this escapade, Mighty Empire, is to prove to a fairly selected representative of the Reality to Come that I, and not Huey, would be better suited to play God to the assembled host of life. Bargaining away his life for your goals –somehow assuming that all I want would come pass anyways- is the opposite of what I need.”

  Unspoken in this heartfelt utterance was the very dark truth that they’d keep at it until the score fell resoundingly in favor of one MegaTunnel instead of a rampaging abomination wearing the skin of a dead man.

  ***

  “Do you find it weird he’s arguing for your survival?” Aleks wondered, bemused. There was a whole host of threats and counter-threats going on just beneath the surface, all of them fascinating in the extreme.

  The Empire wanted Huey so it could strip the AI of the secrets behind his biomechanical existence, Orion needed him to satiate some inner need for acceptance. The Empire wanted to offer Orion the path to success, Orion knew good and goddamn well that with Huey’s secrets under it’s belt, the Empire would roll over the Unreality in less time than it took to have a really good nap. Orion could trigger the worldkillers and seed the Myco System with flaming death, destroying one of the oldest Offworld civilizations around, and conversely, it was highly likely that the Empire could crush the MegaTunnel, either beneath ten trillion tons of organic material or by discharging what amounted to an absurdly obscene bio-electric charge.

  “Oh yeah.” Huey nodded firmly, pretending the meatsuit wasn’t presently sweating buckets all over the place. The mere thought of being stuck with the Mycogene Empire was a goddamn nightmare of stupid proportions. “Very.”

  “You think of a way out?” Aleks figured it couldn’t hurt to ask the question. Orion was mostly preoccupied with being an asshole to the Empire, so even if their abductor was paying attention, odds were fairly high he wouldn’t care. The whole ‘Round Two’ thing was a bust anyhow, so what did it matter?

  “I’ve gone through several million permutations of … everything.” Huey admitted slowly, reluctant to give a man who was supposed to be the enemy any kind of an insight into his true capabilities. Downside was, when you were dealing with a man like Politoyov, there was just no way of knowing what was going on inside that grizzled dome of his. “And unless we’re rescued by People of Absurd Means and Infinite Resources, we’re pretty much fucked.”

  “That’s what I keep coming up with, too.” Aleks admitted ruefully. “Near as I can figure, about the only thing we can hope for is if Garth shows up with a fistful of dynamite and an implausible con.”


  Considering what he knew about Garth and the man’s plans, Huey found it infinitely more likely that the Engines would show it’s ugly mug, but he circumspectly kept that dire dream to himself.

  Instead, he pointed at Orion, then at the Eye. “Looks like we’re about done. Which direction will things go? Stay tuned at the top of the hour!”

  ***

  “We offer you everything you’ve ever wanted, Orion Tunnel, yet you turn us down at every opportunity. We offer you the path to ascension. The path to glory. We cannot understand you.”

  “Nothing to understand.” Orion said simply enough. “Not interested.”

  “We can take what we want from you.”

  As far as threats went, the simply delivered suggestion was one of those proclamations that’d turned entire civilizations into jelly right there on the spot. There weren’t many left out there that’d fallen on the wrong side of the Mycogene Empire, but there were a few, and they still spoke of ghastly green, rotten plagueships surrounding their worlds, dropping continent-sized spore-bombs loaded with nightmares. Whispers in the night only, those memories served a firm reminder to mind your manners and to be nice to your neighbors.

  “You can try.” Orion smiled. “This is what we call a détente, Empire. I got what you want, I ain’t giving it. You got the power to probably pop my shield like a cherry on prom night, I ain’t so far away from the first of Trinity’s Death Nodes that I can’t seed this solar system with your demise. I came here for a reason, and that was,” here, Orion looked over his shoulder at Huey and Aleksander, both of whom were investigating shoes and fingernails for signs of wear and tear, “admittedly a poor idea. We can futz around all goddamn day with threats and counter-threats, but, end of the day, we’re just going to go ahead and pretend it never happened.”

  The Great Eye narrowed itself momentarily in Empirically-impressive wrath before shutting itself entirely.

  ***