Emperor-for-Life: DeadShop Redux (Unreal Universe Book 6)

by Lee Bond

  Given the state of their military prowess, it was also not unrealistic to believe that the entire civilization had been waiting for a Trinity representative to rear his or her ugly head all this time.

  “Worl, they was fine and dandy wiv me at first, right?” Chadsuit was still personally a little miffed at how things had gone down himself, and all the questioning and attitude from Gwy weren’t making fings any easier, were they? He were a person, he had feelings, didn’t he? “Like, I weren’t even doin’ nuffink out of the ordinary, hey? Just sort of walkin’ about lookin’ at stuff and all, mindin’ me own business. Had an honor guard, too, at first. It were quite nice.”

  The phrase ‘honor guard’ sent a bolt of lightning through Gwyleh. “An honor guard?”

  Chadsuit nodded, well pleased. “Right? It were brilliant! All bright and shiny battlesuits and everyfing. Even had their weapons drawn to sort of shoot anyone as who got too close, din’t they? I mean, I is an Enforcer Suit. All kinds of people were around, shoutin’ questions at me, lookin’ to run up and get me auttygraph. It were like I were a celebrity. So there I were, walkin’ round, takin’ in the sights, and I were thinkin’ about you, up here on the ship, sleepin’, and I was like, ‘Oi, I bet Gwyleh could use some coffee or the local equivalent of same’. So I asked for some coffee and that were when they started shootin’.”

  “Civilizations of people do not go to war over someone … even a talking Enforcer Suit … asking for coffee, Chadsuit. And that wasn’t an honor guard, that was probably an execution squad.” Gwy wondered if time travel were possible. If it was, he’d dedicate the rest of his life –once he was done helping Chadsuit save Chadsik from whatever was troubling him- to discovering the right method of doing so, all so he could travel back in time and shoot himself in the head. Paradoxes be damned. “Where, precisely, did you begin your ‘sightseeing’?”

  "Errmm." Chadsuit ran the actual name of the place he'd visited through a few translation protocols. "Heritage … Planetary … Ah. Right. Okay, yeah, 'ere it is. Planetary Protection Facility 1. Well wicked place. All sorts of spacecra…"

  The tiny little shriek of shock erupting out of Gwy's mouth rattled through the smallish cockpit, neatly shutting Chadsuit down entirely. When the odd humming sound percolating inside his head dwindled enough for him to speak, Gwy did so, in absolutely calm tones. "Do you mean to tell me you entered one of the Ferrelarian's primary military installations for 'sightseeing' purposes?"

  "Well, uh, yeah, nat'rally, right?" Chadsuit scoffed. "Wot, you fink I is goin' to look at waterfalls an' pretty rocks and fings? Stroll around parks full of flowers an' trees an' all? Might as well put me in a bonnet an' frilly sun dress, squire, and 'ave me skip on down to the beach! Pssht!"

  "While I have also never engaged in proper sightseeing, Chadsuit," Gwy spun in his chair so he could look directly at the lounging Enforcer suit, "I am nevertheless under the impression that when normal people do it, they do in fact visit waterfalls and rocks and things of a similar nature. They definitely do not enter military bases. How did you even get in undetected?"

  "Ah, well, I weren't necessarily completely undetected." Realization dawned in Chadsuit. "Cor blimey, if I is takin' their greetin' from a different approach…"

  "Greeting?" This simply could not get any worse, yet every time Chadsuit started talking, it seemed somehow that it was definitely going that way.

  "Well, okay, right, I thought they were fireworks or summat, hey, but if we is finkin' they was right un'appy wiv me in the first place, they might've been closer to actual laser attacks an' whatnot." Chadsuit looked the incident over and nodded. "Yeah, orl right, yeah. Yep. They was shootin' at me. Not very well, mind you. Their guidance systems are for shit."

  "So you entered the Ferrelarian military base after being shot at, wandered around the place looking at their arms and armaments and then asked someone for coffee. For me." It was mystifiying. "Does that about sum up the beginning of things?"

  "True enough, mate, right on the moneys." Chadsuit had an idea. "Oi, is you fink the fella me lad I was askin' for coffee, you fink 'e might of been important? 'e were wearin' this odd gold suit wiv all these shiny buttons on. The honor ... right ... the soldiers got all sorts of nervous around that point."

  "It is a good bet, yes, Chadsuit, that the Offworlder in the shiny golden suit with the buttons on was ‘important’." Gwy was afraid to move on to the next stage of events, yet had to forge onwards. "Now. How did we go from them trying to blow you up to an actual world war that spilled over into the rest of the solar system, and in just under five hours?"

  "Well," Chadsuit hesitated, "as I were sayin', it weren't my fault."

  "What happened? I promise I will try not to get upset." Perhaps talking to Chadsuit like it was an infant was the best way to progress.

  "No need to get all cranky, mate. Anyways, so there I were, right, askin' the fella in the shiny suit wiv buttons on if 'e is knowin' where I could get you some proper coffee or summat an' 'e goes and loses his temper." Chadsuit put his hands on his chest. "An' only 'e goes an' shoots at me wiv 'is gun."

  "So the weapon's fire ricocheted off your chassis and killed him?" That was plausible. Whatever alloys Chadsuit was made from were the most resilient in the Universe. What didn't cause damage -and there were scant things that could- simply either lost it's kinetic force or bounced off. "And everyone lost their tempers at that point, which in turn ..."

  "Worllll." Chadsuit shifted uncomfortably. "It ... it aren't that crystal, see? Yeah, the bloke shot at me, right, but ... and this is key ... I is forget I is turn on my autodefenses sometime after I is landin' in the building and before 'e was shootin'. I guess a part of me weren't too keen on the honor guar or summink. Anyways. That were wot 'appened."

  "I ... see." Gwy didn't see, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. "And they retaliated then, yes?"

  Gwyleh Ronn was becoming an unfortunate expert in reading Chadsuit's body language and practical displays of awkward silences. With heavy heart, he said, "That is not what happened."

  "See, fing is, right? Automatic defenses are automatic defenses, in't they? I weren't payin' much attention to what I were doin' in the background. I were tryin' to get the man in the suit to listen to my question when he lit'rally pulled the gun and shot me in me 'ead. After that, worl. Nat'ral fing, innit? Sort of fing. Bob's your uncle."

  "What weapon did you automatically use?" Gwy had a sinking feeling he knew which one had been used on the Ferrelarian equivalen of world leader or head soldier.

  "In't gonna say. You is gonna start shoutin' or summink and I were already only just sayin' as 'ow it weren't my fault, it were accidental." Chadsuit crossed his arms and turned away from Gwy, who had that look on his insect face as said he were more than a little upset.

  "Was it the fu... was it the Super String?"

  Chadsuit nodded until his head was like a toy on a string, pleased Gwyleh had gotten the answer on his own. "'struth, mate, it were pretty facking brilliant, I is not ashamed to admit. Facking fing made the weirdest blizzorp sort of noise, right, and turned everyone in the room and the room itself and roughly the city I were near into this sort of really pretty peach color? Or, no, it were more reddish. Anyways, everyfing around me were like, turned inna colorful dust, yeah? So then I were like, Crikey, this is facking awkward, I only just killed all these people, I should politely leave the planet. Before summink else gets misunderstood. D'you know wot I is learn?"

  "I can only imagine." Gwy stated dryly. Drinking. He was going to take up drinking large amounts of alcoholic beverages.

  "Worl, for starts, I is learn that when Trinity is say 'Do Not Use In Atmosphere or On Planets', it is prolly a very good fing to follow those rules, hey? The singularity string I is kill everyone wiv didn't exactly sort of, erm, go away? It arced out towards the atmosphere, didn't it just, but then I is guess it sort of bounced off the exosphere or summink and then kind of, like, just came on back for a second round. Ha
mmered right into the earth, dinnit? Made a very terrible noise. I in't never heard nuffink like it. Kind of like … kerbing! And then, well. Whole planet, right? Were on accident, though, so I is say 'lesson learned, righty-ho, no more asking official type people for coffees for you and no more Superstring Cannons in atmospheres' and we is call it a day."

  The few times Chadsik and Huey had gone on ‘benders’ during their attempts at making it back to the more civilized sections of Trinityspace, Gwyleh had declined the opportunity to ‘get outside your own fuckin’ ‘ead, mate’ because the last place a telepath of his skill should ever be was anywhere other than inside his own skull. Now, though, being insensate thanks to a combination of drugs and alcohol seemed quite wonderful.

  Chad’s destructive capabilities combined with his inordinate talent in whitewashing even the most horrific of crimes had surely translated into Chadsuit, and not for the better; while Chad had been the most prolific assassin the Universe had ever seen, his death toll typically only included men, women and things that were in the way of The Job, and rarely had the cyborg ever taken on a job that targeted an innocent, making collateral damage kind of a win-win for everyone involved.

  Additionally, Chad had never had the power of a fully operational Enforcer Suit under his command. Things might’ve gone very differently everywhere had that been the case.

  Chadsuit had all of Chad’s tendencies, none of the rationality, was capable of destroying a solar system on accident and then suggesting they head out for some pancakes.

  “We can’t just ignore the realities of what’s happened.” Gwy explained rationally, knowing in his gut that even as the words came out of his mouth that Chadsuit would already have a counter-argument as to why they could totally do precisely that, but why it was more important than anything else.

  “Mate, I is ‘esitate to say this, yeah, as you are gettin’ all sorts of worked up and all that and you know I is concerned over your health since you is not wearin’ me, but I feel as if I ort to bring it up now.” Chadsuit cleared his electronic throat, wished he had a cigarette, realized he wouldn’t be able to do anything with one should he figure out how to make one, then just felt all sorts of lame before continuing on. “There is bein’ a real good chance these ‘ere Ferrelarararians…”

  “Ferrelarians.”

  “Yeah, them.” Chadsuit nodded. “Them, for cert. Anyways, there is a good chance they was gettin’ ready to go to war wiv a neighboring solar system or even Trinity Itself, yeah? I mean, ‘ave you actually taken a look at all they got goin’ on right now? They is got advanced propulsion systems now, right? Last time one of us was ‘ere, they was like, just sort of piddlin’ about, but now they is whizbang across the night sky. Movin’ from planet to accidentally destroyed planet in just a few hours. Took forever to shake ‘em, too, which means they is got ‘ighly competent tracking systems. You is know ‘ow ‘ard it is to locate us Enforcer-type suits. Then there’s the weapons they is got. Well, we is know they in’t good against stuff like me, as if that were the case I would be out there right now doin’ for the rest of the lot instead of chattin’ wiv you, but wot they do got is pretty intense, yeah? They is the equivalent of some of the meaner embargoed civ’lizations out there now. Reckon it’s a subconscious reaction to all that’s goin’ on in the ole Universe, yeah? Nickels and Chad and, like, the Dark Age as is comin’ an’ maybe e’en the War ‘gainst the Latelians. Still, though, no call for it. No call indeed.”

  “You’re claiming now that you saw all of this beforehand and were more content to let me believe this was a comedy of errors this whole time?” Original Chad’s pranks and jokes had been more along the lines of ‘oi, pull me finger, right’ and dropping a few clatter-grenades on the ground. Personally and intensely dangerous, so it was theoretically possible …

  “Nah, mate, not really. Weren’t until I blew up that … whatja call it … frigate? Which is the one as is bigger than a frigate but smaller than the one that, like, carries a berjillion people an’ suchlike … destroyer. Right. Yeah. Nah. Weren’t ‘till I blew up the middle-sized destroyer type ship that I realized they was a bit more dangerous than I were comfortable wiv. Either way, as I were sayin’. In rettyspec, all is forgiven as I is doin’ them folks next door a total favor.” Chadsuit waved his hands like a magician making his problems disappear.

  Gwy knew when he was defeated. He wasn’t going to make a dent in Chadsuit’s point of view today, and possibly not for a very long time, and it was still necessary that he not alienate the sentient Suit to the point where it lost it’s temper. As an Offworld telepath, he wasn’t particularly well-equipped to deal with even the smallest threat offered by a riled up Enforcer Suit.

  So, heart sinking, Gwy hoped he sounded full of agreeableness when he spoke. “I suppose you’re right. With Trinity’s ability to deploy Enforcers anywhere It wants at the drop of a hat offline, your … quick thinking has done everyone here a favor. Well done.”

  Chadsuit imagined he were smiling, but didn’t let the compliment get him too far ahead of the game. “I is well pleased you is seein’ my point of view on this, and I is also well pleased you is man enough to recognize when someone else is right. I is, ‘owever, sensin’ you is still got a bit of a nit to pick.”

  Gwy considered letting the matter drop. For all of two seconds. It had to be brought up. It just had to. “Why did we stop here in the first place?”

  Chadsuit put a thumb and forefinger to his chin. “Errrrm. I is know the answer to this. We … is … stoppin’ … right! We is stop because the black hole engines is need chargin’. Cor, that were easy. Give us another.”

  “And how long does it usually take? On average, I mean? Our last jump was a bit longer than was wise, though, so if you want to make a more accurate guess, by all means, please do.”

  “I is not like the sweet tones in your voice, Gwyleh, but I is play.” Chadsuit sank into himself so he could do a little bit of math. “I is finnnnk … about seven hours.”

  Gwy nodded. “Mmhmm. Mmhmm. And should we move during the charging process?”

  Chadsuit hooted mocking laughter until the cockpit rang with scornful hilarity. “Mate, I is not even need to fink on that one. Obviously not. Wot, is you bonkers? That’d, like, cause all kinds of problems, hey? Turn ourselves into an event ‘orizon if we wasn’t careful.”

  “I’ve only got one more question for you, Chadsuit. If you don’t mind.”

  Chadsuit thought about if he were up to another one of Gwy’s piercing questions. On the one hand, he were not, as he were expectin’ that any secco now, ‘e would be made out to’ve done the wrong fing after all, even though they was just provin’ that ‘e’d done the right fing on accident, which were –in all honesty- even better than on purpose.

  On the other ‘and, ‘e ‘ad to admit, ‘e were curious about what sort of fing ‘e might be missin’, as it might lead to another adventure.

  Mind made up, Chadsuit gestured grandiosely. “We is willin’ to ‘ear your question, Gwyleh Ronn.”

  “Wonderful. Just excellent.” Gwy scratched the top of his exoskeletal head with a pincer. “What is the one thing a black hole ship needs in order to get started on one of the jumps? The one thing that is more important than anything else in the entire Universe?”

  “I is ‘ate to tell you this, Gwy, but you’re questions are gettin’ easier instead of ‘arder.” Chadsuit laughed again. Poor fella. ‘is ‘ead were all done in by the majesty of accidental excellence. “We is need a straight path of summink like three light years of space. Nuffink in it, right? For callybration purposes. Sort of get the engines … Fuck me, mate.” Chadsuit suddenly realized with a burst of insight why Gwy was still upset. “Well, this is a bit of an embarrassment, hey?”

  “Whatever is the matter, Chadsuit?” Gwy demanded innocently as he poked at the keys of his console.

  “Well, I is just fuckin’ realizin’ that wiv all these Ferrererlariarians … shut it, you, I is know, I is know. Wiv all th
ese twats flyin’ around like armor-clad bees and such that we is not get a guaranteed space-window, is we? We is either sit ‘ere like a bunch of cunts in a box waitin’ to get rammed as we can’t move ‘til the black hole engines are all charged up or …”

  “Or?”

  “’ave a fuckin’ laugh, go on, I is see I deserve it.” Chadsuit rose out of the seat and headed towards the airlock. “’ow much time ‘ave we got left?”

  Gwy looked at the readout he’d just asked for. “Three hours. Give or take. If you can, please don’t kill everyone. Disable their vessels and tow them out of the area wherever possible.”

  Chadsuit sighed miserably. “I is not know ‘ow an innocent sightseein’ tour wound up bein’ so entirely fucked like this. I is need to fink on this, see what it were as I did wrong. Sightseein’ should not wind up with me doin’ work. I is not a fuckin' towtruck, squire. Shall I act like I is got a potbelly an' a naggin' wife at 'ome wiv several homely childrens I is not like as well? Bollocking ‘ell.”

  “Have fun.” Gwy leaned back in his chair and started working on finishing his nap.

  21. Tales of the Weird and Unlikely

  Dragons in the Sky

  Terrex-33. Ponobley System, Crucifacious Galaxy.

  To say that the Industrial-type world had seen better days was perhaps one of the greatest understatements of all time; not since the beginning of repeated Bruushian Incursions had a world been so utterly and completely destroyed by the rapacious needs of one of the ancient, saurial race.

  Andros was proud of his work. There was no way to get around it. As a Tr'ss, he'd always prided himself on being at the forefront of all those Dominion and Plateau raids, marshalling his forces, laying down unending, unceasing violence and mayhem upon all the echoes and iterations that swam through the void that was Entropy. The bloodlust, the arousal, the madness of it all!

  Such exhilaration, such glory. Seeing the herds and squadrons of lizard things flying through the air, swimming through hostile waters, stomping across alien land ... his to command, but never to call his own.