Emperor-for-Life: DeadShop Redux (Unreal Universe Book 6)

by Lee Bond

  "Look, mate, I is not tryin' to thread the ... cor, blimey, that were well wicked right there, yeah? You is run hot on these bitches." Chad diverted some spare atoms to a new gun and started plinking away at random soldiers trying to sneak in on their flanks.

  Each shot turned any Harmony soldier into a bright pink afterimage before puffing away into nothingness.

  "As we ... I ... were sayin', the man devoted particular attention into makin' you and the uvvers, yeah? Used 'is powerful tellykinesis or wotever you is call it into manipulatin' the old DNA into givin' you life, right? That makes 'im your dad. You even call 'im that from time to time."

  Griffin let the ultra-hot fires flaring from his hands die down as the last of the Harmony bastards disappeared. Ever since moving the Galaxyship at a faster pace, the heat available to him was a million times stronger than it'd ever been, but he found that he tired that much quicker. "My business, son, not yours. Ah c'n call 'im paw all Ah want, an' Ah reckon if Ah ever get the chance to make apologies, Ah reckon we can all start callin' 'im pappy. Until then, ya'll c'n call 'im Garth."

  Chad holstered the gun, admonishing whichever one of him had chosen the color scheme for the energy blasts. Pink weren't a proper color, leastways when you was busy killin' lads. "Orl right, orl right. But we is off track, yeah? You is fully acceptin' o' your powers, right, which leads me to wonder why your ... why Garth is runnin' around bein', well, normal."

  "If Ah recall," Griffin took off his boots and stretched his toes, "the man shot a hole raght through yore chest, upon a time."

  Chad lit up a cigarette, offered it to Griffin, making a face when the younger man declined. Rather haughtily, he responded to his compatriot's unkind utterance, "We were in a bad place back then, orl right? Noggin' full o' evil CyberPriests an' all that." Chad rubbed the spot on his chest. The pain of that wound had been overwhelming. "An' besides orl that, 'e cheated."

  "How can he cheat if he's got them powers to begin with?" Griffin leaned back and looked up to the heavens. As far as the eye could see, there was nothing but planets acquired by the mighty Kith Antal during his journey back to The Cordon.

  Between each stolen world, connecting them together, were metal roads, hundreds of thousands of miles wide and three times as long.

  On those roads, Harmony soldiers and worker clones and whatever else Antal required to keep his Galaxyship functional strode, billions upon billions of lives, shifted from one world to the next, over and over again.

  It was a breathtaking sight to see, and a testament to what could truly be done if you had unlimited time and unlimited resources. As far as Griffin knew, not a single ‘eternal’ entity –here included was Trinity Itself and some of the other rulers and monarchs across The Cordon- had ever come close to achieving something similar, though not for a lack of trying.

  There was a gap, put there by the astonishingly powerful Chad Sikkmund. The glory of the Galaxyship had been marred, the highly coordinated ballet that was Antal’s support efforts, disrupted.

  That gap, that entirely eradicated planet, was the only thing forcing Kith Antal to play it safe. The ancient and monstrously empowered warrior had never encountered anything like Sikkmund's abilities before now and if Griffin knew anything, it was that the crystalline asshole was working overtime to figure out a foil.

  Even now, even though they were alone, Griffin reckoned that the old crystal bastard was spying on them through the extra-dimensionality or through some other unseen mechanisms, and he supposed he rightly didn’t care one way or the other. Between the two of them, they were proving more than effective in dealing with anything that asshole sent their way.

  Moreover, the Texan Kin’kithal further reckoned that until or unless said asshole decided he wanted to risk more planets being turned into smoke, they’d continue being safe as houses.

  More or less.

  “’s my point, Griffin. That is me point exactly on the nose.” Chad’s stomach grumbled and they told it to bugger off. They really didn’t need food, not since figuring out precisely what he were. Nanotech knights of his caliber required no food save the sustenance they drew from the air itself.

  “’ere ‘e were, right, wanderin’ around Hospitalis this whole fuckin’ time, yeah, sportin’ supernatural powers the likes of which are completely unfair for any ‘umble and, yeah, I is admit it, completely bonkers super-assassins to encounter. So my question is, if ‘e is like, more you than you is, why were ‘e not, like, just kickin’ everyone’s arseholes right from the start?”

  Now Chad had finally gotten the question out his damn mouth, Griffin laughed cynically. Beyond that, he offered no explanation as to precisely why Garth had done as he had all those years ago. It wasn't until Chad smacked him in the shoulder and shouted Oy' that he chose to relent.

  “How much ya’ll know about Garth Nickels?”

  “Reckon I know as much as we can.” Chad genuinely wished he’d more time fisticuffing with Nickels. Being in that amphitheater, kicking those God soldiers’ arses, all of that had been a well wicked time.

  Granted, he’d only done so to make certain his contract with Bishop could be filled and payment tendered, but for a time there, it’d been nearly the best thing in the Universe.

  The cyborg assassin told Griffin all of this, adding, “And then, o’ course, I is travel wiv Huey and another one of your lot, Gwyleh Ronn. Huey were tellin’ me quite a bit o’ wot is really and truly goin’ on in this fucked up Universe, and Garth’s place in it. Man’s powerful, mate.”

  “Prolly the most powerful being in the Universe, right up there beside Antal.”

  “Why is ‘e doin’ things the slow way? It don’t make no ruddy sense, lad.” Chad sensed Griffin’s displeasure at being called lad, and snorted. “I is like actually twelve thousand years and change old, sonny Jim, I is call nearly every fookin’ fing in this Universe ‘lad’ or ‘lassie’ or wotever. Hain’t no disrespect. Now explain. I know you is a reluctant bastard, but we is stuck ‘ere until one of us, that’s me an’ you an’ not me and them,” Chad tapped his noggin, “figures out ‘ow to get out of here and well enough away from this ship so as we ain’t hunted, we might as well talk about summat.”

  Griffin held out a hand. Chad’s pale features brightened, and with much flourishing and stage magician posturing, he pulled a lit, thin cigarette from the air. The Kin’kith shook his head, bemused. He’d never get used to that. Not in a million years. He took a deep drag, and started talking. About things he supposed no one outside the family ever knew.

  “’bout a million years ago, there was a war on the Earth. No one knew it, but those fellas as were in the business of warfare could feel it. Somethin’ was wrong with the old green and blue water planet, only no one could figure it out. Until this guy, this regular lookin’ guy with dark hair and blue eyes shows up on the government’s doorstep and says ‘Hey, man, this place, is like, under alien scrutiny and shit and I’m here to help’.”

  “’e did not do that!” Chad knew right down to his pale little toesies that not only would he not be stupid enough to introduce himself to anyone in power like that, he figured that if he did, he’d at least make the effort to sound like an intelligent person.

  “True. Well, true enough. Now, nat’rally, they didn’t believe the man. I cain’t say precisely whut he did to convince ‘em otherwise, as there’s a lot of shit that was redacted by the time we come along to help ‘im with the rest of it all, but believe him they did.” Griffin exhaled a stark white plume of smoke. “And thus was born the Armies of Man, a globally … mostly globally united front against the invading threat. At first, Nickels led them along with a handful of artfully crafted lies, to keep ‘em happy and full. They had a purpose, so Ah reckon that was why they didn’t ask too many questions. They was all busylike, rootin’ out the Kith and Kin’s mortal support network, killin’ assassins and blowin’ up bunkers and alla that shit.”

  “Sounds real boring.” Chad decided to throw caution to the w
ind and summoned up a couple crumpets. They could tell the younger man had a lot to get off his chest, and by damn, if they were both going to sit on a fuckin’ hillock waitin’ to see what a giant crystal arsehole were goin’ to chuck at them next, ‘e might as well ‘ave summat to snack on. The deliciously toasted and buttered up goodness was a treat.

  Griffin nodded. “Ya’ll got that right. Took near about fifty years or so afore shit got plum weird. ‘at was when the Hesh noticed that their plans weren’t takin’ off so well, so they stepped up their game. Added more Kith and Kin, hooked ’em up with some next-level hardware. Ya’ll know the drill.”

  A faint smile flitted across Chad’s face. They did indeed know the drill. “These Heshii bastards … ‘ow did they do it?”

  “Atemporal, don’t y’see?” Griffin considered stealing one of Chad’s crumpet-things and went beat red when the pale assassin handed him a fresh one of his own. When he saw that Chad wasn’t quite picking up what that meant, he started explaining. “They live … lived … in a place referred to most commonly as the ‘extra-dimensionality’. Ex-dee f'r short. An endless ocean of supercharged essence that’s basically a reservoir of power as comes from the destruction of every previous Universe. Now, this place exists outside the flow of time. Our time. So they can view any point in the History of the Universe and, like, jiggle shit around until they get to where they like it.”

  "That are a right daft thing, innit?" Chad held a hand up to the sky, framing one of the planets with his fingers. “So, right, if I were them and I were like ‘oy, I is hate this world right ‘ere, I is make it disappear’, I could basically travel back to some point before there were people or wotever and leave a Glory missile planetside and let it go off. And then in me future, it would be radioactive dust?”

  “Pretty much, yeah. Bit more complicated than that, but figurin’ that shit out was above my pay grade by about several million steps.” Griffin took a bite out of the crumpet-thing. It was delicious. And probably the first piece of food he’d eaten since well before he’d been launched past The Cordon.

  Where’d it been? That diner. That small diner on Hospitalis. So long ago.

  “Anyways. Raght. So. The Heshii in the future saw that the world they knew was most likely gonna be responsible for gettin’ their next meal big and fat and juicy was also responsible for messing with their game, so yeah. Went all hyperactive. Didn’t know why it wadn’t workin’, couldn’t see for shit.”

  “Our man Garth?”

  “Yup. Invisible to ‘em, see? Somethin’ in ‘im made it impossible for them to see ‘im. Since they couldn’t see whut the man was doin’, they couldn’t accurately chart their own actions, so they kept on keepin' on. Every time they did, he did the same, until it got to the point where he pulled me and th'others in.” Griffin finished the Englishman’s food up in a gobble. “But you wanted to know why my paw ain’t reveal ‘imself to the world.”

  “Mate, we is willin’ to listen to wotever it is you got to say on the subject of anythin’ on your mind. It’s all connected to wot’s ‘appenin’ now, innit?” When the fiery headed youngster nodded, Chad did so as well. “So go on with your story. We got until the crystal dickbag in the sky gets bored of starin’ at me through tellyscopes and whatnot, so the floor is yours, hey?”

  “Don’t remind me.” It was undeniable that Antal was listening. He was the only power in the Galaxyship.

  He and Chad had their means, but the moment the Kith discovered a method of either neutralizing or handling the cyborg’s almost otherworldly Cloud-based powers, they would most likely be done for; Antal was probably waiting to deal with Chad before flat-out murdering any handsome Texans in the neighborhood, which didn't set all too well with Griffin.

  So it was fitting, then, that he talk about the beginnings of this War for the Unreal Universe’s destruction. A kind of swansong, should Antal change his mind and burn him to a cinder first.

  “Now, since the Heshii couldn’t see whut was makin’ all their efforts for naught, they kept tossin’ more an’ more onto the Earth, like Ah said. An’ in the middle of it all was Garth Nickels, displayin’ tactical genius and martial prowess unlike anythin’ the leaders of the Armies o’ Man had ever seen before. The man rode roughshod over everythang in his path, y’see. As a normal guy.” Griffin held up a finger. “Now, he did that coz we’re all powered by the extra-dimensionality, y’see. Each of us pulls on a thin stream o’ that Universal energy. ‘s what gives me mah fire power, whut gave the others their part’clar mojo. But daddy? Not a trickle, not a stream, but th' whole dang ocean. He come first, right? Now, they definitely couldn’t see us, no matter how hard we sucked on that trickle, but him? They’d be able to pinpoint ‘im on old Earth once he started usin’ his powers proper-lahk an’ then they’d fuckstart the whole planet into oblivion. So, back then, he stayed hidden on account of how he knew he couldn’t risk revealing himself. To anyone.”

  Chad nodded instantly, detecting the underlying story in how Griffin uttered the last word. “Them Army fellas must not have cared much for lads and lassies like you. We is understand all too well wot it’s like to be well different from every uvver person around.”

  “Didn’t lahk us. Ay-tall.” Griffin didn’t spend much time thinking on his life with the Armies of Man.

  Being treated, not as a second or even third class citizen, but as some kind of walking, talking weapon, a thing, hadn’t and never would sit well with him. He didn’t like feeling like that, and unfortunately for a Kin’kithal of the second highest order, all those old memories and feelings were right there, available to relive with perfect clarity, whenever he wanted.

  “Well, then, one night, Nickels lost his shit. In a big way. One of the deadliest Kin found the base where we wuz all sequestered and made a move. Dunno how she figured it out, ‘cept to say that Kin Shikozi was smarter than most of the folk the Heshii transformed into their commanding officers.”

  “We is sense you didn’t much care for Nickels back then.”

  Griffin shook his head sadly. No point in trying to hide his regret. It resonated in every word coming out of his mouth. “Weren’t until recently Ah understood it all. Fer the longest time back then, Ah … none of us … could figure out why we wuz faghtin’ fer Mankind when they wuz all a bunch of arrogant assholes bossin’ us all around, treatin’ us like gardenin’ tools, doin’ tests on uz, experimentin’ … Ah was not at mah best. Ah began to think that maybe the Hesh were the right way t’go, y’see? They had all the power, they could do thangs beyond comprehension, and since Nickels wasn’t doin’ much, I started hatin' on 'im. We were all so loyal. We loved him. We woulda done anything for ‘im.

  And then Shikozi came. Tore her to pieces. Didn’t lay a goddamn hand on her. Just … snatched her up into the air and killed her stone cold dead, blew one of 'er goldang hands clean off! Never saw anything like it before or since, an’ I been places and seen some shit, son. It was a revelation, lemme tell ya’ll. Mah sister, Lisa, she wuz there, too, though. And she made me fergit. Alla it. Until Hospitalis. Anyhows, that temper loss … well, that right there caused the M’Zahdi Hesh to lose their shit in kind, y’see. They did somethin’ they’d never done before. They created and deployed weaponized Harmony, which is a thing I ain’t got the time to explain ‘cept to say it took ordinary men and women and turned ‘em into the kinds of motherfuckers we’re running into right here and now.”

  “We is see.” Chad pursed his lips thoughtfully, comparing the Garth he was hearing about now to the one he’d met both on Hospitalis and in Arcadia. “So, ‘e is pretend to be ordinary, right, just one of the lads, but really good at war an’ all that fine, brilliant stuff, all so these Heshii cunts ain’t notice him. Until one day one of the enemy is find you all and our lad Nickels does her in spectacular-like, at which point, the War takes a turn for the worst. Let us ask a question, hey?”

  Griffin liked Chad. Against all reason and rationale -especially considering what he knew of the F
rancoBritish assassin from his time serving as an Enforcer- he liked the man. Even with what appeared to be the worst case of multiple person disorder the Universe had ever seen and the awful way he mangled the English language, reborn Chad Sikkmund was a helluva guy.

  What he didn't like, though, was a thoughtful Chad. Especially when it came to facts about things he'd experienced, things he'd spent an awful lot of time thinking about since his memories had come back.

  "Go ahead." Griffin said slowly, drawling the words out.

  Chad pulled another lit ciggy from behind his ear, took a long, thoughtful drag, and proceeded to use his amazing lungs to blow out some fairly sophisticated smoke rings, some of which violated the laws of physics, because if you couldn't use your abilities for gits and shiggles, what were the point?

  "Knowin'," Chad finally said, "as we do 'ow the man works, is you not fink there's a damn good chance 'e were arrangin' for this Shikozi lady to find you all in the first place?"

  Blood rushed to Griffin's head and his ears filled with a roaring sound that blotted everything else. He couldn't even hear his own inarticulate grunt of confusion. After a few seconds, he regained control of his senses and rather pointedly stared at Chad until things grew slightly uncomfortable.

  "Ah'm sorry, whut?"

  "The facts are these, right? You is tellin' me that shortly after all this, yeah, the war spun up into overdrive, like a minigun bein' fired into a crowd o' people. Followin' which, I is assume you lot is pilin' into the ship you was come out of a little piece back and into the future world of the war, which I is know Garth laid tracks down for before 'e got into the ship in the first place." Chad smiled happily at his succinct breakdown. "Too convenient, that encounter. What you reckon he did it on purpose? To get to the important bit? Summat like that is deffo summat 'e would do."

  Griffin didn't want to think about how he could've missed something so fucking obvious as all that, but now that the cat was out of the bag, the facts loomed as high as the tallest mountain. "Ya'll're fuckin' with me right now."