Playing for Hearts

by Debra Kayn

  “What if something happens to one of us?” Her voice raised with each word. “What then? Are you going to regret stopping what we have together? You can feel it—I know you can.” She sucked air in on a sob. “Don’t lie to me and tell me there’s nothing between us, because I know it’s real. I’ll tell you every day how I feel, and I’ll show you in every way I know possible how much I appreciate you in my life, but please don’t cut me off and put me out of your life before you give us a chance. I don’t want to lose another person I love.”

  She inhaled swiftly, pressing her hand against her chest. Panic swept through her, squeezing the air out of her lungs, and darkened the edges of her vision. She pulled too little air in through her opened mouth, struggling to fill her lungs.

  “Shit.” Gary leapt to his feet and gathered her in his arms, guiding her to the couch and setting her down. “Breathe, honey.”

  She shook her head. “I-I can’t. You h-have to answer me.”

  “Later, I promise. Right now, you need to calm down.” He gathered her hair off her face and held it bunched in his hand behind her neck. “Breathe slowly. In. Out.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and listened to his voice. Why was this happening now?

  “Ang, listen to me, honey. Just lean on me, and keep breathing.” Gary pulled her closer. “I got you. I’m right here.”

  She sucked in air and nodded. The pressure eased, and she inhaled another shuddering breath, relief coming fast and the ache in her head loosening its ugly grip. She blinked her eyes open and pulled away, taking another breath to test herself.

  “I’m okay now,” she said.

  He rubbed her back and she concentrated on inhaling, exhaling, and pushing all her thoughts out of her head. Embarrassed to have lost it in front of him, and having never experienced the sensations of not being able to breathe when she was awake, she sat weak and rejected beside him.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, rubbing her forehead. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “Ang, I think—”

  “You know what?” She pressed her hands against her thighs and heaved herself to her feet, swaying on her feet. “I’ll leave you alone. I think I’ll just take it easy…maybe nap.”

  He wrapped his fingers around her wrist and pulled her back, catching her before she landed on the couch, and shifted her to his lap. “How long have you had panic attacks?”

  “What?” She shook her head. “I don’t…”

  “I’ve seen grown men have them before a game or when they reach exhaustion. It’s not something to be embarrassed about.” Gary smoothed her head off her cheek. “You had one the other night while you were sleeping too.”

  “I’d like to lie down,” she said.

  “You’re not leaving my sight until you tell me what’s going on with you.” He kept her on his lap. “You were upset about losing me, and talking about death again.”

  “Please,” she said, hating the whine in her voice.

  Gary’s chest inflated and he slowly let out his breath. “Damn. I should’ve known.”

  “It was a long time ago,” she whispered.

  “I know. But she was your mom,” he said. “You were with her.”

  She had been the only one with her mom when she’d died at home. The hair at the back of her neck tickled, and she shivered. That night, Drew and Gary had left to go to a party, and she’d told them it was okay because she was going to stay up and watch television. She’d planned to sit in her mom’s bedroom in case she needed anything. Her days were numbered, they all knew that, but that day was one of her mom’s better ones and she thought she’d be fine alone. Her mom had slept peacefully for a couple hours.

  After the movie on television ended, she’d crawled in bed with Mom to watch the late show while she waited for the boys.

  She leaned her head against Gary and closed her eyes.

  She’d fallen asleep. Sometime later, whether she sensed something wrong in the room or the boys shut the door as they came in—something woke her up, and her mom wasn’t breathing.

  Gary and Drew had come in when she was trying to give her mom CPR. She’d had no idea how to do it right, but only knew she had to try. She hadn’t been ready to lose her mom.

  “That’s why you sleep with me,” Gary whispered.

  “Yeah,” she whispered back. “I hate being alone—in my head, I hate being alone. I know I’m being stupid.”

  “No, you’re not.” He sighed deeply. “You’re not going to lose me. I’m right here. We’ll keep things secret for however long we can, and slow down. We’ll just…slow down.”

  She swallowed hard. “Okay,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

  “But we need to tell Drew,” he said.

  She thought of the extra stress that’d add to their relationship, the questions her brother would ask, and the position he’d put Gary in when he found out they’d kept the news from him. “That can wait.”

  “It’s the only way I'll go forward, Ang. Drew means too much to me. You mean too much,” he said.

  His arms pulled her snug against him. She held on, afraid she’d lose him too. Whether her fear of losing another person she loved was irrational, her anxiety over losing Gary was real. With the Seahawks threatening her, and not knowing how her brother would act, they were living on borrowed time.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Fist to the ground, knees bent, head up, Gary was out for blood. Last down in the scrimmage, and he was done. Completely—fucking—done.

  “Angie’s a nice piece of ass. I wouldn’t mind tappin’ that.” Cormac grinned.

  The whistle blew. Gary charged straight for Cormac. Tackling him low, he took the man down.

  “Oomph.” Cormac groaned. “Shit, man, save it for our first game.”

  Gary brought his head back and swiftly helmet butted the other player. “Open your mouth again about Ms. Swanson, and I’ll do more than knock the wind out of your stupid ass.”

  He pushed off Cormac and got to his feet, glaring over his shoulder at the fallen player as he walked away. Two weeks of hiding his relationship with Angie from the team, and he wondered if he was insane to even think he’d be able to hide his feelings any longer when he had to listen to them talk about her all the time. At home, everything was good. They’d grown closer, but both of them were making an effort to slow things down between them. Angie understood he couldn’t give her much of a future, except to always be there for her, for however long they both were happy with the arrangement.

  When she was around, he could ignore the fact that a woman like her who valued commitment, family, and security would soon ask him for more than he could give. Nobody had ever asked him for anything. The closest he’d come to committing himself to something was signing a football contract. Even that didn’t last forever.

  He wasn’t sure he had the skills to make a serious relationship. Living in foster care growing up, he’d always known he’d be leaving and the people in his life weren’t permanent. He had an idea of what family was like from the Swansons, but what if he failed when things became tough?

  Right now, she was satisfied. He knew that, because she used every chance to tell him, like she promised she’d do.

  Over breakfast, she’d touch him. When they went out for their morning run, she stayed silent, sharing in their solitary run, but pushing him to go a longer distance, and he was running farther. At night, she crawled into his bed.

  There were no more night terrors.

  He’d figured out if he wore her out by making love to her, she slept like a baby. Warmth filled his chest. Except last night, she’d taken the offense position, and blew his game plan, and surprised the hell out of him.

  She’d shown up naked in his room, and before he knew it, she was riding the hell out of him. How was he supposed to turn down that?

  He looped into a jog, anxious to go home. He and Angie both had the next two days off. Drew was coming over later today. They’d agreed that a face-to-face talk
would work better to break the news than telling him over the phone. He expected Drew to punch his face. Angie expected a happy family reunion.

  He pushed through the locker room doors and stopped. Tension stole his next breath.

  Moans echoed in the tiled room. He clenched his teeth, and pushed his way inside. That made three players on the team that turned into total moaners at the touch of Angie’s hands.

  He stripped out of his clothes without looking in the back of the room at Angie while she worked on one of the players. He’d get his own massage at home. And, yes, he’d moan just as loud or even louder.

  “Satchel. Office.” Coach waved him over from the doorway.

  He lifted his chin in answer, grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist. The other guys jeered. It was never a good sign to be called out, and he’d never been reprimanded before. But he deserved whatever Coach had to say. His aggression on the field and his bitchy attitude toward the others was not how a Seahawks player behaved.

  At the office door, he glanced at Angie. She’d stilled with her hands above Johnson. Guilt riddled her features.

  Shit.

  Cormac wouldn’t have told anyone of their altercation on the field. Scuffles and words were thrown around all the time. Life stresses, game pressure, and exhaustion got the better of all of them. But the worry on Angie’s face concerned him. They both knew anyone watching them could get there was more going on between them.

  “Close the door and have a seat,” Coach said, tossing his clipboard on the desk.

  Gary sat, tucking the end of the towel at his hip and leaning forward. “Problem, Coach?”

  “You tell me.” Coach leaned forward and propped his elbows on the desk. “Is Angie Swanson living with you?”

  “Yes, sir.” He nodded, looking him in the eye. The coach had no reason to be suspicious. Angie had put his address on her employee paperwork and let it drop that Gary was a family friend. They’d been careful.

  Coach’s lips tightened over his teeth and he broke his gaze and looked at the desk. “What kind of relationship would you say you have with Ms. Swanson?”

  “A long term relationship, sir,” he said.

  Coach whipped his gaze back to him. “Think carefully before you answer, son. You and I both know what having a relationship with Ms. Swanson means for you and her.”

  “Yes, sir, and I know what it’ll do to her career with the Seahawks if rumors go further than this room.” Gary remained calmed. “I’ve known her and her family since I was thirteen years old. Her family practically raised me. Her brother, Drew, is my best friend. As a matter of fact, I’m the one who recommended her for the job with the team. I know exactly what our relationship is. I picked her up at her brother’s house in Deadhorse, Oregon, and brought her back to the city to fulfill her job. She’s staying with me until she finds an apartment. Because I promised her brother I would look out for her, it’s taking longer to find a place that is safe enough for her on short notice. We’ll both be traveling when the games start, and be away from home for most of the time. We figured it would be best to keep on with what we’ve set up…in which her brother is thankful for, considering we’re all family.”

  Coach’s eyes narrowed and he studied Gary. “Take this as a warning that if I hear of anything going on between you two, even a fucking kiss on the cheek, I’ll have to report you.”

  He stood and nodded. “Understood.”

  Beating his escape, he walked out of the office and straight into the showers. He closed his eyes, letting the water roll down him. He hadn’t lied.

  He’d left certain parts out, but the coach wasn’t asking for a full confession. Everything he said was true. They’d known each other forever and their history was ingrained in him as much as any family has a bond that doesn’t break when one of the members need some extra help or a spare bedroom.

  He opened his eyes, and looked straight out at Angie. She’d finished her massage and was bent over, putting her bag away. The price of the fine he’d pay for breaking the rules had no stigma attached. Players screwed up all the time. They paid their way out of trouble, and the penalty wouldn’t put a dent in his bank account.

  Besides, no one wanted to kick a valuable player off the team, especially in a year where the Seahawks were expected to go all the way to the Super Bowl. Angie’s job, on the other hand, was expendable.

  Maybe once Drew arrived, he’d talk some sense into both of them. If anyone knew how important Angie’s job was, Drew did. He’d lived with her, and put up with the stress of her surviving on unemployment and the feeling of uselessness she battled. Not to mention the boredom. No, Angie needed this job.

  He dried off, dressed in his street clothes, ignoring the other players’ questioning looks about what he was called out for, and went about gathering his things. It wasn’t anyone’s business what went on in his life as long as he played his best.

  Even after taking the time to meet with Coach, he beat the other players out of the locker room, which was becoming a habit. He was able to make it out to his car and leave before Angie left. To everyone else, it looked like they went their separate ways.

  He cranked the radio and rolled down the window. The talk that would come when Angie arrived home was not something he looked forward to. She lived life from her heart, and her actions came from caring, showing, loving. This time, she’d have to use her head, and be smart, thinking of her career first. It was time to face reality, and stop pretending that they could continue living the way they were in secret.

  What kind of man would he be if he let her ruin her life? The position with the Seahawks would set her up for life. If she wanted to quit after her two years were up, she’d have instant success if she wanted to go out on her own and start her own spa or run a business with private clientele. Hell, half the players had experienced her hands, and would love to continue her treatment long after she moved on in her career.

  Maybe he’d made the wrong decision, encouraging her by admitting they could make this work. He’d agreed to keep everything secret. That was what he wanted and dreamed about. He didn’t want to change a damn thing, but there was more going on than just their personal life. He’d put her in the position of worrying about her job, and that sat wrong with him.

  He pulled up to the gate, pushed a few buttons, and waited for the iron fence to open. He drove home.

  In his driveway sat a Dodge Charger. He shut off the radio and looked in his rearview mirror for Angie’s car. What the hell was Drew doing here already?

  He wasn’t due until closer to dinnertime. Gary parked out on the street, leaving the extra space in the driveway for Angie when she arrived.

  Drew held up his hand and pushed off the fender of his car, walking to meet Gary halfway in the driveway. Without a word, he grabbed Drew into a hug and thumped his back.

  “Shit, Satchel, ease up, big guy.” Drew punched him on the shoulder, stumbling backward.

  “You’re early.” He motioned with his head. “Come on in. Angie should be pulling in at any time. Practice only ended an hour ago. I wasn’t expecting you this early.”

  “I left earlier than I planned. I hope you have a beer. It was a hell of a long drive.” Drew threw him a grin.

  He unlocked the door. “Go ahead and grab one. I’ll be right back.”

  Gary searched the living room for anything that would hint at his and Ang’s relationship. A pair of panties, the scarf he’d used to keep her hands off him, a box of condoms. Seeing nothing incriminating, he hurried to the bedrooms and shut both doors. Angie never made the bed, and if Drew looked, he’d see the bed in the spare room was made and un-slept in. His room looked like a bomb exploded. Angie had more clothes than ten women put together, and believed in spreading each piece over every surface in the room for easy pickings in the mornings.

  Shutting the door, he quickly headed back to the living room. Angie was due any time, and he wanted to talk to Drew by himself. He owed him that much.

  �
��Hey.” Gary pulled up a chair at the dinette off the kitchen. “I need to talk to you, and it can’t wait.”

  “Dammit. I knew something was wrong with Angie. Between her phone calls and you going off the deep end about following rules…” Drew rubbed his hands over his face. “Just tell me. Did she lose the job?”

  Gary sighed and looked up at the ceiling for understanding before meeting Drew’s eyes. “We’re sleeping together.”

  Drew stood without saying anything or giving him a hint of what he was thinking. Gary watched him walk a few paces away before turning around, and then Drew said, “I did not need to know that.”

  “I know, man.” Gary laid his hand flat to the table. “It wasn’t something that happened out of the blue for me. I’ve wanted her for years, but never made the moves on her because she was your sister.”

  Drew held up his hand. “Stop. Really.”

  “Drew, you have to understand—”

  “No, really, I don’t. It’s none of my business what you two—” Drew shuddered. “Jesus, bro, my sister?”

  The revulsion was apparent on Drew’s face, the way he avoided Gary’s gaze. His chest tightened. The last thing he wanted was Drew mad at him or Angie.

  Gary nodded. “I know, but I swear I’m not trying to hurt her.”

  Drew sat back down and blew out his breath. Gary flexed his fingers, wishing he had an easy answer for Drew.

  “This is all new for her. She had no idea I felt more than friendship for her, and surprised me by putting the moves on me,” he said, lifting his hands.

  Drew pinned him with a look. “Okay, that’s going too far.”

  “Sorry. That’s not what I meant. This is my fault, not hers.” Gary rubbed his hand over his lower face. “That’s why we had you come over. We wanted you to know, but there’s more going on that you need to find out. I need your help.”

  “For what? It looks like you’ve created your own problem, you can find your way out…and if you hurt my sister, I’ll hurt you.” Drew’s breath came fast and he shook his head.