Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4)

by Cecilia London

  She framed his face with her hands and caressed it gently, working her way down from his temples toward his cheekbones, tracing an outline of his mouth with one finger. He covered her hand in his and kissed her palm, greeting her with the same warm expression he’d had in his office. Caroline realized that she very much wanted to kiss him and pulled away.

  “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “I miss you too.”

  When she avoided him she fucked things up. When she was around him she fucked them up even more. “I can’t-”

  “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I absolutely meant what I said. Please don’t be upset. And don’t be mad at yourself for being who you are.”

  She was going to come apart from a compliment disguised as an admonition. “I’m not.”

  He let out a short laugh. “Think of a better line.”

  Caroline bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying. She was doing a lousy job of controlling her emotions. Jack whipped out his handkerchief before she could protest, dabbing at her face. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to focus on the feel of the cloth material against her skin. The gentleness of his touch. Warmth flooded her cheeks and she tried to lower her head but he adroitly brought her chin back up.

  Jack continued to swipe at the tears that refused to stop falling. “Please let me help you, Caroline.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t,” she whispered.

  He kissed her forehead. “And I wish you’d stop being so stubborn.”

  She pulled away from him when he put the wet handkerchief back in his pocket, twisting his own hands in his lap.

  “I wish I could give you back all the things we had before this happened,” he said.

  An abrupt subject change. “You can’t, so why does it matter?”

  “Because I want you to know. It’s important for you to know.”

  “You gave me a lot of material things,” she said. “They’re all gone now. And we can’t get them back.”

  He brushed a stray tear off her cheek. “There are other things we can get back.”

  Oh God, she was going to start crying again. She couldn’t hold it together for ten goddamn seconds. Why had she opened the door and let him in? They were both bound to regret it.

  “What is it?” Jack asked.

  She sniffled. “It’ll sound shallow.”

  “Try me.”

  “They were just things,” she said. “But they were tangible reminders of what was in my heart.” She wiped at her eyes. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this.”

  “I think we should. You plainly want to.”

  Caroline shook her head. “It’s silly.”

  “Tell me anyway. I’m sure it’s not.”

  She closed her eyes. This was a bad idea. “I don’t know why I was thinking about it when we were talking to Natalie. But that necklace – the one you gave me when we went on our first date. I just – I wish I still had it. You gave me a lot of things, things I didn’t really need. But that was my favorite,” Caroline whispered.

  Jack put his hand on hers. “I remember the look on your face when I gave it to you,” he said. “Whenever you wore it you shone like a beacon.”

  She couldn’t think about that. Not when it made her so sad. “It doesn’t matter. It was one piece of jewelry in a bunch of unnecessary stuff.”

  “That stuff meant more than that to you. It definitely meant more than that to me. I loved being able to shower you with gifts that way.”

  Sapphires, emeralds, rubies, pearls, diamonds. All gone. “I know.”

  “It’s okay to miss the material things.”

  “No, it’s not. I’ve lost so much else and it seems stupid and petty to focus on that.”

  “You can mourn whatever you need to mourn.”

  “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t have anything anymore,” she said, her voice sour. “I have nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

  “You have me,” Jack said quietly.

  Caroline bit her lip again, wrapping her arms around herself. Such an automatic defensive move, so typical of what she had become that she waited for him to call her out on it. But he remained silent. Maybe he hadn’t caught on. Jack placed his hand on her shoulder and she flinched.

  “May I hold you?” he asked.

  She couldn’t have heard him correctly. “Excuse me?”

  “I just – you look like you need a hug.”

  Caroline gave him a steady look. His eyes were bright. He appeared nervous. Almost shy. But very, very safe. “Okay,” she whispered.

  Jack took her in his arms. “You don’t have to say anything. Just let me do this. Please.”

  He was wearing cologne. The kind he’d always worn because he knew how much she liked it. She tried not to think about why he would have made the effort or where he would have even gotten it. Caroline inhaled deeply, curling in closer. He smelled so good that she did it again and was unexpectedly overwhelmed by memories. She started to weep softly, resting her head against his chest.

  “I’m right here,” he whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was so soft that she barely heard him, and he squeezed her tighter when she didn’t respond. “You have much more than you think. You have people who care about you. You have a cause you believe in. Those material things may be gone but you have everything that came with them. No one can ever take those memories away from you. You have a future, Caroline. You have hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

  Jack had never given himself enough credit when it came to saying the right thing. He’d instinctively known what she needed to hear and hadn’t lost his touch. She let out another sob and he started rubbing her back. It felt soothing. Comforting. And achingly familiar. She grabbed onto the collar of his shirt.

  “I’d give anything to see you smile for me again,” he said. “But first I’d like you to give yourself a break. You know what it does to me when you cry.” He kept his arms around her until her tears subsided, which took far too long.

  “You need to stop being so nice to me,” Caroline finally said.

  “Why’s that?”

  “It makes it harder to be mean to you.”

  Jack made no move to let her go. “Then I’ll be sure to keep it up.”

  She kept her head on his chest, listening to him breathe. She could fall asleep this way. Peaceful sleep. The kind she needed.

  “I’m going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated,” he said. “Whether you like it or not.” He stroked her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

  “A little better,” she mumbled.

  “You think maybe you might be nicer to me from now on?”

  “Maybe.” She turned her head away clumsily. All she did was cry lately. It made her feel weak and exposed. “I’m sorry I lost control like that.”

  “Maybe you should do it more often. It might help.”

  She took a deep breath. “I do it enough already.”

  “You don’t need to be embarrassed by it.”

  “You just said you didn’t like it when I cried.”

  “I hate it. But I can learn to handle it if it helps you get better.”

  Caroline sat up and looked into his eyes. They were red rimmed, but still bright blue. And they looked so sad. The heat rushed to her face, but not from embarrassment. “I’m sorry I make you so miserable.”

  “Please don’t feel that way. I’m grateful for any time I get to spend with you. And I’m definitely not miserable right now.”

  He was a terrible liar. “You don’t look very happy.”

  “I’m worried about you. You don’t look all that happy, either. And it breaks my heart.”

  Another round of frustrated tears rushed to the surface. “I’m trying, Jack.”

  “I know. You really are making progress, Caroline. You’re just too close to see it.”

 
; “And you’re not?”

  Jack squeezed her hand. He seemed eager to touch her whenever he could. “I’m more objective than you are.” He smiled at her. “Since we’re sharing shallow secrets, do you want to know what I miss?”

  Maybe his desire for physical contact was for more than comfort. “Please don’t say sex.”

  He laughed. “I won’t lie. I do miss that. And as attractive as I think you are, I miss your hair. Blond becomes you but auburn suits you so much better. Especially since you stopped wearing those terrible contacts.” His expression changed. “The way it felt in my hands, how you looked when you’d let it down or when it was draped across your pillow at night, the way it curled up and had those little red highlights in the summer…” He looked down at his hands. “Pretty shallow, right?”

  She hated that bottle of peroxide in the bathroom but went back to it week after week. The strangest monkey on her back imaginable. “It’s not that shallow.”

  “You could stop bleaching it. You could grow it out, too.”

  “It doesn’t feel right. I’m not that woman anymore.”

  “Yes, you are. You’re so beautiful, sweetheart. You don’t have to be afraid to show it.”

  Caroline made an obscene gesture. “Whatever.”

  “Why do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “You start to let me in then find some way to pull back. I wish you’d allow yourself to feel things. It won’t kill you.”

  “Maybe you don’t deserve to be let in.”

  “You don’t believe that.”

  Caroline wrapped her arms around herself again. She didn’t like where this conversation was going.

  “I know you’re mad,” Jack said quietly. “But we can’t resolve it if you won’t talk to me.”

  “I don’t want to resolve it.”

  He sighed. “Caroline-”

  “Can we talk about something else?”

  “I don’t want to.”

  The direction they were heading was very unsettling indeed. “Maybe you should leave,” she said.

  “I’m definitely not doing that.”

  “That’s right, I forgot. You’re in charge of everyone and everything so you get to decide whether I get my privacy.”

  “I don’t want to leave you alone. You’ve had a very long day.”

  She was testing the limits of his temper but couldn’t help herself. “Thankfully it’s almost over. Maybe my commanding officer will leave so I can have some peace and quiet.”

  “Stop playing games.”

  “You’re the commander. And I’m a major. And that’s the way I like it.”

  “I don’t care for it.”

  She’d figured that out. “Too bad.”

  “Do you think General Patton held his subordinates in his arms after an emotional episode?”

  She wasn’t sure if that was an apt comparison, but it was amusing. Caroline forced herself to stay expressionless. “Probably not.”

  “Then we don’t have a normal hierarchical relationship, do we? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I need to be around you, spiteful as you are? That it helps me to spend time with you? Do you know what it does to me when you treat me this way?”

  She was hurting him again and couldn’t stop herself. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Try to figure out why you’re acting like this. This isn’t you, Caroline. You know it isn’t. Do you know how sorry I am about everything that’s happened? That night last February-”

  “We are not going to talk about that,” she said.

  “I think we need to.”

  “We do not.”

  He smiled bitterly. “Right. Why spoil this idyllic existence you’ve carved out for yourself?”

  Caroline threw her hands up in the air. “What do you want from me, Jack? What do you really, truly want from me?”

  “I want your honesty. And your company. Not necessarily in that order or even simultaneously. Go ahead and lie to me if it means I get to spend time with you.” His voice got quieter. “I miss you, sweetheart. I need you around me.”

  “Maybe you’re the masochist, then.”

  He laughed. “Maybe you’re right.”

  Caroline shifted to the other side of the couch and they lapsed into another strained silence. Jack started cracking his knuckles.

  “Why won’t you let me let go of you?” she whispered.

  The couch creaked as he placed his hand on her shoulder. “Because deep down inside that’s not what you want.”

  “How do you know what I want? Are you a mind reader?”

  “I know because I love you. And because I remember everything about you, even though you’re trying to forget it. We belong together.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “I’m right.”

  Caroline sighed. The two of them spent most of their time making irritated noises when they were in the same room with each other, but at least it was relatively nonconfrontational. “I don’t want to argue with you, Jack.”

  “Then don’t. You can agree with me. It’s allowed. I won’t tell anyone.”

  She sighed again, louder this time. “You are the most irksome man I have ever met.”

  Jack grinned. “Glad to see you haven’t forgotten your GRE words.”

  She turned away from him. “Why do you keep doing this to me?”

  “Doing what?”

  “Trying to act like everything is the way it was.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing. I know that’s not possible. I don’t want you to forget that I’m willing to help you in any way I can.”

  “I don’t want your help.”

  He laughed. “Yes, that’s what you keep saying. You’ve tried to make that perfectly clear on a number of occasions, but I don’t find your words to be very sincere.”

  “You think I’m lying?”

  Jack turned Caroline to face him. “No,” he said. “I think you’re not there yet. But you will be. Someday. Every day you get closer.”

  “Always the eternal optimist.”

  “I received that wonderful gift when I married my wife. And I have faith that she’ll come back to me. Because I know who she truly is.”

  Caroline closed her eyes. All this goddamn positivity was making her feel positively awful. “Jack, I really, really don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “Then we won’t. We don’t have to talk at all.”

  “Good.”

  Jack swiped his thumb across her cheek, but she kept her eyes closed. What did he want now?

  “You look tired. Are you tired?” he asked.

  There were dark circles under her eyes that had to be even more pronounced when they were shut. He must have noticed. Caroline yawned, right on cue.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, opening her eyes again. “I don’t sleep very well.” Or at all.

  “I noticed. Want to rest for a little bit?”

  Oh, that could lead to things she wasn’t ready to handle. “Jack-”

  “We don’t have to talk. We don’t have to do anything too upsetting for you. We don’t have to do anything at all. I want you to take care of yourself and when you won’t do that I’ll do my best to take care of you instead.”

  Caroline knew she shouldn’t be giving him false hope. Especially after the difficult discussion they’d had. But it had felt so good to lay in his arms on the couch. And she was incredibly weary. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and rest for a minute.

  “I won’t try anything. Don’t worry.” Jack got up off the couch and took her hand, smiling when she didn’t let go. He led her into the bedroom, kicking off his shoes and stretching out on the bed. “Let me do this. Let me take care of you. I’ll leave after you fall asleep.”

  “Okay.” She was too tired to argue. Maybe she didn’t want to. Caroline laid down next to him, burrowing into his chest.

  He tightened his arms around her, squeezing one of her hands in his. “Why do you have such trouble sleep
ing?”

  “I don’t want to say.”

  “How about you tell me anyway?”

  She shuddered. “I don’t like what I see when I close my eyes.”

  He tucked her hair behind her ear. A smooth, seamless gesture. “What do you see?”

  If she said it out loud, would the visions go away? “I see monsters,” she whispered. “And I’m always afraid that one of them is me.”

  Caroline bit her lip, trying to hold back another tidal wave of emotion. Jack kissed her forehead.

  “No more tears today,” he said. “There are no monsters in here. And there won’t be anymore. Go to sleep.”

  She closed her eyes. She wanted him to kiss her forehead again. Hold her tighter. Never let her go. Maybe this could work. Or maybe this was just a few hours of reprieve from the nightmare her life had become.

  Don’t cry. You’ll hurt him more if you do.

  She couldn’t help it. She couldn’t control anything she did, least of all her emotional responses. A few tears leaked out and he whisked them away without comment.

  Jack started to stroke her hair. “No dragons,” he said softly. “No demons. No fiends or ogres or brutes. You’re safe, sweetheart. Safe with me. No one will ever hurt you ever again, I promise.”

  He sounded so convincing that as she drifted off, she almost believed him.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  They headed down the hallway to the Presidential Suite. As if her husband would stay anywhere else. Caroline turned to Jack’s campaign manager. “How’s he doing?” she asked.

  Greg frowned. “It’s hard to deal with him when you’re not around. He turns into a giant asshole…more so.”

  She laughed. She’d received more than a few calls from Greg over the past several months, begging her to get Jack out of yet another pissy mood. “It can’t be that bad.”

  His frown metamorphosed into a discreet non-expression. “Let’s just say I’m very glad you’re here.” Greg knocked on the door, which was propped open. “He knew I was coming,” he explained. “Told him I had a donor he needed to talk to.”

  The prospect of big campaign money was the only thing that would keep Jack from having a stiff drink and taking a nap before facing another fundraiser. “Nicely done,” Caroline said.