Bad for You

by J. Daniels

  Aside from loose change and one of the ties he kept for his hair, there was a framed picture of him and the girls taken outside in front of the playground. Next to the frame was one of those clay molds you can bake and harden. It was a misshapen blob painted rainbow colors. There was also a drawing done by one of the girls—Caroline, if I had to guess—of a stick-figure family, resembling the one on the fridge, but this one had a beach background. Next to the drawing was a small wooden box you’d keep little trinkets in. I flipped back the lid, expecting to see little tokens. Maybe a few crayons, since they seemed to be hidden throughout the house.

  I laughed when Chuck E Cheese tickets popped out. Rolls of them.

  As I folded them up to put them back inside, I saw something else in the box.

  Created from the same thread adorning Sean’s wrist was a tiny ring.

  Breath quaking inside my chest, I picked it up to examine.

  It matched the colors Sean wore, the threads tightly braided together into a pattern. The design was flawless. It had taken time, and maybe Caroline could’ve spent the hours, but I knew this was all Sean. He made this.

  Tears filled my eyes. I dried them up when I heard the bathroom door open, and popped the ring and tickets back inside the box, closing it up quickly.

  Sean entered the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.

  I moved away from the dresser so he could get to it and took a seat on the bed.

  “Your day good?” he asked as he dressed. “Val said she saw you.”

  “Yeah. Did you talk to her?”

  He pulled jeans on over his boxers. “She stopped by work,” he shared. “Asked if I wanted to go to the beach with her and the girls this weekend.”

  “You should go,” I blurted out.

  Sean’s head came up as he finished buttoning his jeans. “What about the carnival?”

  Shit, I’d forgotten about that.

  But it didn’t matter anyway. That wouldn’t be reason for him to miss this opportunity.

  “J.R. can handle it,” I said. “I’m sure he’d be fine. Go to the beach with them.”

  Sean’s head popped through the neckhole of his shirt. With hard eyes filled with confusion, he stared at me as he pushed his arms through the sleeves. “You want me goin’ on a vacation with my ex,” he stated in disbelief.

  I stood from the bed. “With your family, yes, I do,” I told him.

  “Why?”

  “Because they’re your family.”

  “And what the fuck are you?”

  I shrugged and, in the steadiest voice I could manage, replied, “I’m someone who wants you to be happy.”

  Sean’s chest began to rise and fall rapidly. We stared at each other, seconds passing before he asked, “What the fuck are you sayin’?”

  “I just told you—I think you should go on vacation with them.”

  “You’re not just talkin’ about me going on some fuckin’ beach trip,” he growled, approaching me. “So I’m gonna ask again. What the fuck are you sayin’ to me?”

  I stared up into Sean’s face as my hands stayed glued at my side.

  I wanted so badly to touch him, and it killed me not to. It killed me being here, letting these words fall out of my mouth while keeping others to myself. All of it, this was killing me.

  I tried looking away when tears built on my lashes, but Sean caught my chin and guided me back.

  “Explain,” he ordered.

  “I want you to have what you lost,” I whispered.

  His eyes softened, and the tightness in his jaw released. He no longer looked pissed.

  “Your family…life with your girls every day, I want you to have that, Sean,” I said. “I think you should go on vacation with Val. Spend some time with them. Love them. Be a family…You deserve to have everything. Everything. Even things I can’t give you because they aren’t mine to give.”

  “You’re leavin’ me?” he asked, and God, there was so much ache and shocking hurt in his voice. It cried into my heart. “Tellin’ me to go, but you’re leavin’ me. That’s what this is. You’re fuckin’ endin’ this?”

  I couldn’t nod or tell him yes. I couldn’t utter the words I promised I’d never say. I could only stand there and weep.

  Sean released my face and lowered his arm.

  “I love you,” he said.

  More tears flooded my eyes. They wet my trembling lips.

  I was dying. This was pain unlike I’d ever felt. It was crushing. Not only what I’d said, but staying silent when the only words I wanted to speak were trapped inside my heart and would stay there. He would never hear them.

  Sean pulled in a breath through his nose and jerked his chin. His mouth hardened.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, moving around him. I made it to the door.

  “I tell you that, and you leave,” he declared at my back.

  I peered over my shoulder.

  I could barely see him through my tears, but Sean’s devastation was clear and written all over his face. He looked shattered.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated.

  Then I walked out of his room, out of the home he deserved, and away from the life he’d worked so hard for.

  I got in my car and left, when I’d promised I never would.

  Chapter Twenty

  Sean

  When I was a kid, I did a lot of dreaming.

  I dreamed about a different life, one where I had parents who wanted me around, who liked me. I tried picturing it, but it was a hard thing to imagine when I didn’t know what it looked like.

  Then my girls were born, and I didn’t need to dream anymore. I didn’t have a hard time imagining what a family was, what they did, how they loved each other, because I had it. I had them. And even though I didn’t understand the why, I was grateful.

  When I got locked up, I did a lot of dreaming too.

  I dreamed about my girls, about the life they were living without me. I imagined them with Val and knew they were getting love, but I also knew they deserved to get it from me. I didn’t want my girls growing up needing to dream like I did. I didn’t want them wondering what it would’ve been like having a dad around, one who cared, one who didn’t hurt them. I made a promise to myself—I’d do whatever it took to give them that life I always wanted. We’d be a family. And unlike me, they wouldn’t ever need to wonder what the fuck that was.

  Meeting Val changed my life. She was the first person to ever look at me like I was worth something. And from that love came my girls.

  Meeting Shayla changed my life for the second time. She kept it going.

  And without her, I wouldn’t understand the why.

  I deserved that life. I deserved those dreams.

  I deserved it all.

  I met Val and the girls at the beach on Saturday morning.

  I got coverage for the weekend, but getting Friday off wasn’t happening, so I couldn’t go down with them the day they left.

  The girls didn’t seem to care. Neither did Val. They were all happy to see me when I showed up, and excited to spend the day together.

  Once Caroline and Fiona saw the board I brought down with me, having picked one out from Wax the other day, they couldn’t contain their excitement.

  My girls always loved riding the waves.

  We spent the day in the water, the girls taking turns riding out with me on the board while Val stood with the other and took pictures. Then we switched. This went on through the afternoon, neither one of them tiring of it. While I ate one of the sandwiches Val had made, the girls built sandcastles and hunted for seashells.

  It was a great day. One of the best I could ever remember having.

  My girls were smiling nonstop. I’d never seen them this happy before. They loved all of us being together. They missed it. I missed it.

  We looked like a family—just like we used to.

  Fiona giggled as she chased away seagulls, and Val helped Caroline write our names in the sand in front of the ca
stle.

  “Look, Daddy,” she said. “It’s our home.”

  My chest tightened. I could give them this, I thought, watching Caroline take off running after Fiona with Val staying close behind. I could give them our family, us, every day. It would be better than it was before. It would be what my girls deserved all along. I would do anything for them.

  I would do this for them.

  No question.

  We posed for more pictures after the girls cleared the seagulls off the beach, then it was time to head inside to make dinner.

  Val bathed the girls while I handled that, then we sat and ate together on the patio so the girls could watch the waves.

  “Daddy, you’re quiet,” Caroline said, poking my hand with her fork.

  I was being quiet. Mainly, I was listening to everything the girls were saying, but I was also stuck inside my head.

  I stroked Caroline’s cheeks, reassuring her, “It’s been a long day, baby girl. Daddy’s tired.”

  “Not me!” she shrieked.

  “Not me either!” Fiona copied.

  Val and I shared a laugh when the girls both yawned around their next bites.

  “Let’s put them to bed,” Val whispered.

  She was sitting beside me in a lawn chair, Caroline passed out in her arms.

  I was cradling a sleeping Fiona. I had no idea when she’d fallen asleep, but I got to my feet and followed Val inside to put the girls to bed. I kissed and tucked them in while Val waited at the door. When I stepped out into the hallway, she placed her hand on my chest and smiled up at me.

  Her hair was lighter and curled from the ocean, and her face was suntanned. She looked like she did when we first met.

  “Can we sit outside and talk?” she asked.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I followed her out onto the patio and went to move around her so I could take a seat, but Val grabbed my face, preventing that, and tried to kiss me.

  Body stiff, I pulled back so she couldn’t. It was a reflex. Instinctual. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted this life for my girls…

  I couldn’t do this.

  Not without Shayla.

  “Oh, uh…” Val sank onto her heels and quickly dropped her hands. “Sorry,” she whispered, her face flushing with embarrassment. “Sorry…God, I just totally went for it, didn’t I? That sucked.”

  My mouth twitched. “You wanna sit?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Val plopped down in a lawn chair and I took the seat beside her. She looked over at me and winced. “You’re not here because of me, are you?” she guessed.

  I shook my head.

  “I’m not mad,” she quickly shared. “Disappointed, maybe.” We both smiled. “But you’re here for the girls, and that means a lot to me, Sean. It means a lot to them.”

  “I’m sorry it ain’t that way for me anymore,” I said.

  She reached out and squeezed my hand. “Don’t be.”

  “I want to give them everything.” My leg began to bounce. “I want them havin’ the life they deserve, but—”

  “They have a great life the way it is now, with you back in it,” Val interrupted.

  I nodded, appreciating her for saying that to me.

  “Maybe we make better friends,” she suggested. “We’ve been getting along better these past couple months than we ever did.”

  She was right about that.

  “I was a dick to you back then. I should’ve been better.”

  “You weren’t healed yet. I understand that now.” She released my hand. “And I’m happy. I’m happy for you and our girls. It’s really okay. I promise.”

  Sitting forward, I turned my seat so I was facing Val. It was time she knew. “I’ve been seein’ Shayla.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “What? Are you serious?”

  I nodded.

  “Oh, my God…” Her voice was hushed and hurried. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God!” She covered her face with her hands.

  “Val.”

  “I’m not mad. I’m not,” she said, letting her hands fall away and gaping at me. “An idiot, yes. I am definitely that.” Val began to laugh.

  I stared at her, confused as fuck.

  “Shay helped me decide to give you another chance,” Val revealed. “Back when she first did my hair, she talked you up—telling me how good you were doing at your job, and the house—she told me you were really fixing it up nice for the girls. I didn’t believe it until she told me. I thought you were lying.”

  Given our history, I understood why Val would think that, so I didn’t react. But hearing what Shayla had done got a reaction. Heat spread out from the center of my chest and filled my limbs.

  “I didn’t think anything of it,” Val continued. “She said you guys were work friends.”

  “Back then, that’s all we were.”

  “Even if it wasn’t, I don’t think I would’ve picked up on her motive. She was genuine. She is genuine. What she said, that wasn’t for her.”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled. That was Shayla.

  “You selling the trailer, was that her?” Val asked.

  I nodded.

  “And the therapy?”

  “She thinks it’ll help.”

  Val sat back. “She got to you.”

  I stared at her for a breath, then shook my head, not understanding.

  “For as long as I’ve known you, Sean, I’ve been trying to get you to understand how worthy you are of a good life, and Shayla did that. I never could.”

  My lips pressed together tightly.

  Val was right. Not only about Shayla, but about how hard she’d worked at trying to get me to hear her back then.

  I fought it. I fought it so much, we fought. In the end, that was all we ever did.

  “You did a lot for me,” I said, not wanting her to feel ashamed or disappointed in herself. “Gave me the best two gifts sleepin’ in that room, and I’ll have love for you forever ’cause of that.”

  She smiled softly.

  “I’m sorry you couldn’t get me there,” I added.

  “At least someone did. How, is the question.”

  “She’s stubborn,” I said. “She never would’ve let me ignore her.”

  “You’re stubborn.”

  “Not like her.” I laughed. “She stands up to me. All five foot nothin’ of her, she won’t back down.”

  “Good.” Val grinned.

  “I love her.”

  I waited for Val to lose the smile, for it to fade, but she held it.

  “The girls really like her,” she said. “I really like her. And I like her for you. She did what I couldn’t, and that’s why you belong with her and not me.”

  I stared at Val for a breath, thinking about Shayla standing in my room, cutting me loose then leaving me. I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed at my face.

  “What?” Val asked.

  Elbows resting on my knees, I looked at her. “Shayla told me to come here,” I shared. “She pushed for it, said she couldn’t give me this and wanted me to have it.”

  Lips parted, Val slowly closed her eyes and made a face like she was in pain. “Oh, my God, Sean.” She caught her head with her hand when it dropped to the side, her arm bent and braced on the chair. “I told her the other day that I still loved you and wanted to try and get back together, and she supported me. She had tears in her eyes, but she told me I should go for it. I even told her I was going to invite you to come along with us this weekend, and she said it was a good idea.” Val sat up straight and grimaced. “I am an idiot. I can’t believe I didn’t see why she was really crying.”

  I stared at Val, thinking on everything she’d just shared.

  She had seen Shayla on Tuesday, right before I saw Val. Shayla left me on Tuesday.

  “That girl cares about you so much, she gave you up so you could get us back, and I sat there like a moron and watched her cry over you, believing she was just having PMS. What is wrong with me?”

  I shook my head, because y
eah, Shayla was the type of person to do something like that, considering everything else she’s done for me, but this shit still didn’t make sense.

  “She told me she’d never leave,” I shared. “Fuckin’ promised me, Val. I said I loved her, and she walked.”

  Val scooted forward in her chair and stared into my face. “She walked because she loves you.”

  I looked away. I didn’t believe that.

  “Love is sacrifice, Sean,” Val continued. “It’s putting your own happiness second. When you really care about someone, you do what is best for that person before you even think about yourself. You will suffer for love. If it’s true, you’ll do anything for it.”

  Her words rang out in my ears. I cracked my knuckles. Fuck, was she right?

  “You think she did this shit for me?” I asked Val. “Her leaving, that was so I’d come here?”

  “Did she look happy about it?”

  “No.”

  “Did she look even remotely okay with walking away from you? Or pissed at you for something, which might explain her breaking it off?”

  My teeth ground together. “She was cryin’,” I mumbled, picturing Shayla standing in my room and then leaving it, the tears still in her eyes. “Kept sayin’ she was sorry, but that sorry wasn’t ’cause she was leavin’, was it?”

  Val cocked her head. “Now you’re getting it.”

  My chest shuddered with a breath. “Fuck,” I growled, pissed at myself.

  I sat on that beach thinking about what my life would be like going back to Val. But I didn’t just think about it. I considered it, knowing what I’d be sacrificing if I made that choice.

  Or who I’d be sacrificing.

  And Shayla had been doing the exact same fucking thing. Only difference was, she went through with it. She gave up her happiness for me.

  And I hadn’t seen it.

  “You were hurt and angry, Sean,” Val said, touching my arm. Her eyes were kind. “Anyone would’ve reacted the way you did and thought the same thing.”

  “No, I know her,” I argued. “I fuckin’ know her. I should’ve seen what she was doin’. I should’ve stopped it. She left—I let her leave. That’s on me.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just fix the damn thing.”