Loving a Sinner

by D. B. Webb

  I had arrived at Ryan’s apartment, promising myself I would behave. I reminded myself continually this was just lunch and nothing more. We could never be more than a casual meal and some small talk. I would behave, I decided.

  At least I would try my hardest.

  But if she looked at me like she wanted to eat me one more time, all bets were off. I was trying to be a good man, but I wasn’t a saint.

  I cleared my throat and was about to make a retort about how I would’ve loved to see what a pussy Devlin was in high school, but our waiter cut us off and placed our plates in front of us.

  She stuffed her pretty mouth with a bite of her lasagna and the moan that followed made my dick leap to life. I watched as she swallowed and closed her eyes.

  “Oh. My. God.” The last word came out like another moan.

  ‘Oh my God’ was right.

  “That good, huh?”

  She gave me a bashful look before answering, “I’ve been here more times than I can count, and I’m pretty sure I react the same way each time.”

  Hell, I thought, if she acts this way every time, I’ll take her every damn day I’m in town.

  She must have sensed where my mind was at because a blush crept up her neck and she bit her lip nervously. Little did she know that her lip bite was turning me on more than I wanted to admit.

  “You shouldn’t do that,” I warned her.

  She looked at me with surprise.

  “Do what?”

  “Bite your lip.”

  The pause that followed wasn’t surprising, but the way Ryan intentionally pulled her lower lip between her teeth was. She was taunting me.

  “Like this?” she flirted, batting her eyelashes. My shock had to have been evident on my face because she laughed, bit her lip one last time, and took another bite of her food.

  I placed my elbows on the table and leaned forward, and with a whisper, I told her, “I haven’t had sex in almost a week. Don’t tempt me, Patterson.”

  It was her turn to be shocked. Her eyes widened and a small gasp escaped.

  “Why, Mr. Bennett,” she said in a southern drawl, “Are you propositioning me?”

  And just like that, I was going all in. Her stupid accent, her beautiful smile… it was all I needed to pick up the courage to ask what I wanted.

  “What if I am?” I asked her seriously.

  Her shift of demeanor was evident, almost like she was trying to decide how she would approach the conversation we were having. I watched her squirm, and I was relieved when she took a deep breath and finally answered me with a, “Well… are you?”

  She couldn’t possibly be considering what I was suggesting. She was a good girl. I knew this from Devlin. She wasn’t the kind of girl I usually slept with. She was a long-run kind of girl, while I was a get-it-over-quickly-but-not-too-quickly kind of guy.

  “What would you say if I did?”

  “I can’t answer that unless you ask me.”

  I hadn’t expected her to be my equal at my own game. She had the upper hand, and I didn’t like it.

  “Ryan…” My voice was husky with desire, and I knew it gave me away. I didn’t like being vulnerable, but with her I wasn’t hating it. “What if I were to say that I find you to be one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen?”

  She leaned forward on her elbows, mimicking me, whispering, “Then, I would say, unlike your usual conquests, I can smell your bullshit from a mile away.” The playful smile she gave me made my heart do a weird twist.

  “Okay, so you want me to be straightforward with you?” She gave an encouraging nod, biting her lip. My dick hardened without my consent. She was making it difficult to think. What she didn’t know was that it wasn’t just a line. I actually found her to be gorgeous and sexy and nothing like I was used to… it was why I was so drawn to her. “Okay, no bullshit. I want to have sex with you, Ryan. And I think we both know you find me attractive… I’ve watched you stare at my lips like they were your last meal for the past forty-five minutes.”

  “I have not—”

  I raised my hand and cut her off. “Don’t deny it,” I smirked. “We both know we aren’t looking for anything serious. You just broke up with Devlin, and I have to go back to school at the end of summer… It’ll just be fun. I think you deserve some fun after what you’ve been through.”

  I laid it all on the table. I didn’t know if she would accept my offer. In fact, I knew she wouldn’t, but I would regret never asking.

  It was the, “Okay. Just fun… I can do that,” that caught me off guard.

  I gaped at the blonde across the table from me.

  “Okay,” I confirmed. “Let’s do this.”

  It had been three days since I had lunch with Jackson and made the most reckless decision in my twenty years of living. I wasn’t exactly sure what Kayla demon had possessed me to make me agree to mindless sex with Jackson. I was on a high from my quest for a more exciting life, and I didn’t give myself enough time to actually think things through before I had agreed.

  Who was I kidding? I couldn’t do this. I had been committed to one person for five years. He was my first for everything: date, kiss, sex… I wasn’t exactly sure if I would even be good at whatever Jackson had proposed. The only thing I had going for me was I was incredibly good at compartmentalizing my emotions. I was fairly certain separating my feelings from sex wouldn’t be the hardest thing for me to do. Jackson, as handsome as he was, was still kind of an ass. I didn’t think I was in danger in falling in love with the guy.

  The more I sat around the apartment, the more confused I became. On one hand, I really missed sex. Devlin and I hadn’t had sex in a very long time. I tried to remember the last time we ever did anything aside from kissing, and I honestly couldn’t place a date. It had to have been over half a year since I had an orgasm brought on by something other than my little friend I kept in the drawer beside my bed.

  On the other hand, this was bound to get complicated. We wouldn’t be able to tell anyone what we were doing. Devlin would freak out, even if he had been the reason we broke up. Kayla might not care, but it would still be awkward to admit to my best friend that I had gone full-blown crazy and had sex with my ex’s best friend. Not only that, but I only knew Jackson from what I had heard secondhand. I really didn’t know the person I was about to do this “no strings attached” relationship with.

  But I hadn’t actually heard from Jackson since he dropped me back off at home, so maybe it wouldn’t even matter. Maybe he was second guessing this too. I had given him my cell phone number, and I had checked said phone a few too many times to see if I had any missed calls or texts from him.

  Even then, as I tried to focus my attention on my school applications in front of me, my gaze kept slipping to my phone sitting beside my laptop. This was stupid. I was being stupid. Ryan Patterson was not the kind of girl to wait by the phone for a guy. I flipped the phone so it was screen down and turned my focus back on the computer screen in front of me.

  I had gone to Western College freshman and sophomore year, but I needed to do something else—a restart. But every time I went to begin an application, something held me back. Whether it was Devlin’s voice in my head telling me that I needed to be sensible or it was my mother’s telling me I needed to find myself a husband that could take care of me, I couldn’t bring myself to begin the process of applying for a new school.

  My entire life I had lived in a comfort zone. I had lived with my mom up until this last year when I finally moved in with Kayla—because it had been comfortable. Even moving in with Kayla had been an easy move. Since I had met Kayla, I just followed her lead. She was a year older and outgoing. I was quieter and in need of a good female role model. Sure, I hadn’t found the greatest role model, but I had found an even better friend in her. It was easy to do what Kayla told me to do. I was good at following.

  But I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to be the badass girl I knew I could be. I wanted reckless dec
isions.

  It was the buzzing of my phone that snapped me out of my thoughts, and I hurried to reach for it. I answered without checking the caller I.D.

  “Hello?” I answered after taking a split second to compose myself.

  “Ry Bread, it’s mom.”

  Ugh. She wasn’t the person I wanted to hear from.

  “Oh… mom. Hi.”

  “I heard about Devlin. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have taken you out for a post breakup girls’ day.”

  And that, my friends, was exactly why I hadn’t told her about the breakup.

  “As much fun as that sounds, mom… I really just wanted some time alone. Who told you about the breakup anyway?”

  There was a long pause, and I already knew the answer.

  “Cecilia had the pleasure of telling me when I ran into her at the market.”

  Shit… I won’t live that down for years. Every Christmas mom will remind me of the time Cecilia Lane knew something about her daughter before she did.

  Mom and Cecilia hated each other. I often wondered whether that was why Cecilia hated me so much, but I would remind myself that there weren’t many people that Cecilia didn’t hate.

  “Sorry, mom. I really didn’t think that you’d care… You never liked me with Devlin.”

  “I loved Devlin,” she protested. I didn’t have time to get into this with my mother. I would have preferred swimming in a pool full of hot oil.

  “Okay, well… is that all you needed? I have things I need to get done—”

  “No, that wasn’t all. I want you to come home this Tuesday for dinner. I’m doing Taco Tuesday complete with mood music.”

  A pool of guilt filled my stomach as I thought about my childhood and the mood-music dinners mom and I prepared. It had been our little tradition before her drinking got to be too much.

  “Yeah, okay. Sounds like a plan. I’ll be there at four to help, okay?”

  She agreed, we said our goodbyes, and I hung up. Staring at my phone, I couldn’t help but feel the stinging of tears threatening to fall. I missed my mother—the woman before the alcohol. She was happy and loving and carefree. She had been the kind of woman I wanted to be when I grew up… until she wasn’t.

  Another buzz of my phone indicated I had a text. One I was sure was from my mom, but I checked anyway. But when I opened it, it was from an unknown number.

  Unknown: Hey

  Me: hey who is this?

  Unknown: Oh shit, sorry.

  Unknown: It’s Jackson

  Me: got it! how are you?

  I was trying to sound casual and keep my heart rate at an acceptable level, but I wasn’t doing the best at either.

  Jackson: I was wondering if you’d like to meet up tonight? I heard you like coffee… We could meet at that coffee place near you… Metallic Bean?

  Me: and how exactly do you know i like coffee?

  Jackson: I have my ways… ;)

  I had a feeling “his ways” had a name and it was Kayla. I couldn’t help but feel a little happy that he had asked around about me.

  Me: what time should i meet you?

  Jackson: How about we meet at 7?

  Me: it’s a date

  Checking my watch, I realized I only had an hour to get ready. Seeing how I hadn’t had sex in a million years, I was not ready for any activity in the nether region of my body. I ran to the bathroom so I could… clean myself up… and mentally made note of what to wear. I hadn’t done laundry yet, but thankfully I only wore my cotton underwear on most days. My fancy lingerie was reserved for days like today.

  Okay… so not exactly “days like today” since I never really had days like today. But regardless, I was happy that Kayla forced me to buy lacy bras and underwear.

  I wasn’t actually sure if the night would end with sex, but a girl couldn’t be too prepared.

  Jesus Christ, who is this girl and what has she done with Ryan Patterson? I can’t have sex with Jackson… can I?

  The internal war I was having was getting old. Just because it wasn’t something I was used to, didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Because if it was something I wanted to do, why stop it from happening?

  And boy did I want it.

  Within an hour I had showered, pulled on the sexiest matching bra/undie set, and had gotten dressed for the night. I didn’t want to come off too eager, so I had just pulled on jeans and a green blouse.

  At 6:57 PM, I was pulling into the parking lot of Metallic Bean.

  Off the smooth and normal course I knew and right onto the reckless path I so desperately wanted to try. It wasn’t safe. It wasn’t comfortable.

  It was crazy.

  And I liked it.

  I found Jackson sitting at a small, round table in a dimly lit corner of the coffee shop. I watched him for a few seconds, wanting to memorize how he looked in this exact moment. Something told me that I would want to remember this. Something about this moment felt… important. Maybe it was because this was the first time I was going to be active in what our society called “Generation Hook-Up.”

  But I really didn’t think that was why.

  He was moving his coffee mug back and forth on the table, watching it as if it held all the world’s answers. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he looked nervous. But there was no way this man—this confident, suave, gorgeous man—was nervous over a meeting he was having with small, unsure, terrified me. He continued his contemplative stare and coffee mug dance, completely unaware he was being watched. Jackson donned a fancy gray tee (I didn’t realize tee shirts could be fancy until that moment) and what looked like casual dress pants. It wasn’t fair that this man was always well put together. If I was being completely honest, it added to the reasons I felt insignificant next to him.

  After I stood, staring for what was beginning to be an inappropriate amount of time, I finally took a deep breath and headed to where he was waiting.

  “Hey,” I said quietly, breaking him from his trance. He blinked up at me and gave me his crooked smile.

  “You look nice,” was his reply. I absentmindedly looked down at my plain outfit. “You do,” he reiterated as if he could sense that I didn’t agree with his statement.

  “Thanks.”

  I sat across from him and an awkward silence spread over us. Neither of us knew how to begin whatever it was we were doing. I mean, what exactly did you say in a moment like this?

  Hey, wanna order a cup of coffee before we head to your place to bone?

  “Want me to order you something to drink before we go?” Jackson broke the silence.

  My face heated, and I kept myself from laughing at the irony of his words and my thoughts.

  “Uh…” It came out a cross between uncertainty and giggling. I breathed through my nose and composed myself. “Yeah, a vanilla latte, please.”

  Before he stood to get my coffee, he eyed me suspiciously, but I just smiled and pretended not to notice his scrutinous look.

  When he returned with the scalding beverage, he remained standing. I realized he had ordered the coffee to-go style for a reason.

  “So…” He paused and and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “Is Kayla at your place?”

  I shook my head no, but couldn’t find the words to answer his question. I suddenly felt incredibly silly for getting my hopes up and foolish for thinking that Jackson would actually let us have a date before we began this thing. I began to wonder exactly what the boundaries of this fling would be. Would we always meet and screw around or would we occasionally go on dates?

  Go on dates. Who was I kidding? This wasn’t a flowers and chocolate romance. This was sexual attraction and fulfilling our physical needs.

  “She’s out for the next few days… Still in Catalina,” I informed him after clearing my throat.

  He nodded. “Good. I would say we could head to where I’m staying but…” He gave me a knowing look, but then his lips quirked. “The walls are thin. And I tend to bring out the… screamer
… in a woman.”

  The way his eyes scanned my face with the clear intent of making me blush had my eyes rolling.

  “Is that right?”

  “Ready to find out?” He licked his lips, and my full attention went to them.

  I was more than ready to find out, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

  I stood, my initial disappointment over our non-date gone, and took my latte from his hands.

  “See you at home,” I told him before turning away and leaving him behind.

  It was the knock on my office door that had me returning to the present. And in the present, I had work to be done. I didn’t have time to dwell over the past and over a man that had decided his work was more important than I was.

  Because I deserved more than that, dammit.

  “Ryan? Mr. Foster has seen the piece and would like to complete the paperwork. Am I able to send him in?” It was one of our interns at The Singing Room Gallery. Emma was her name… I think.

  “Send him in,” I called. I made my way behind my desk, sat, and turned my computer on to appear busy.

  I heard the door open and someone shuffling in, but I didn’t look in the direction of the noise. I opened the “Previous Purchasers” folder and found Jackson’s file. Which reminded me that he had ordered under the name J. Foster. I knew that was his mother’s maiden name, and I wanted to ask about the choice of name, but felt like it was too personal of a question to ask.

  And were we going to venture into the territory of being connected on a personal level again?

  No. I wouldn’t… couldn’t.

  “Mr. Foster,” I began with my most business-like voice I could muster. “Do you still have the paperwork Eli gave you?” It was then that I turned my attention to the other side of my desk where Jackson sat patiently.