Loving a Sinner

by D. B. Webb

  “I swear,” I told her while making an ‘X’ across my chest, “This is not about him. Besides, I don’t even know if we’d ever run into each other… It’s kind of a big city, you know.”

  She rolled her eyes at my sarcasm, and I knew she wasn’t even close to convinced.

  I wasn’t either.

  It took exactly thirteen days until I received my acceptance into NYU. I was shocked that I had actually been accepted, and I was elated that I finally had a plan that involved getting out of California. I needed a change of scenery. Between my breakup and Kayla being busy with school, I was left alone for the first time in years, and I was suffocating in the amount of space I had.

  Kayla was extremely bummed when I told her that I was really leaving, but she agreed to go to New York with me to visit the campus and find an apartment. Her parents, and by parents I assumed her dad since her mom hated me, had found me a job at one of their offices in the city. I would be doing clerical work, but it paid well, and I wasn’t going to complain.

  When Kayla and I stepped out of the car that had picked us up from the airport and into the busy streets of New York, I was in awe. It was unlike anything I had ever scene. People passed us without a single glance our way, which was saying something considering that Kayla turned heads everywhere she went. But these people were too busy to notice us. We were just two faces in a sea of people. It felt freeing.

  I loved it.

  We had spent an entire day exploring and eating our way through hole-in-the-wall eateries. When we settled into our hotel suite, Kayla let out a content sigh.

  “Ryan, I think you might be onto something. This place is perfect. And holy shit the stores and fashion! I’m in heaven. Honestly.”

  “Come with me.”

  She bolted up from where she was laying on the bed, eyebrows to her hairline.

  “For real?!” she squealed. She was ridiculous if she thought I wouldn’t want her with me.

  “Yeah,” I shrugged. “If you like it, come with me.”

  She tapped her fingers against her lips pensively.

  “I have to finish out the school year. I can’t just leave halfway through first semester… And I’d have to find a school that my credits would transfer…”

  My heart sunk a bit. She wasn’t going to come after all.

  “Maybe after graduation?” I suggested.

  A smile crept to her lips and her eyes danced excitedly. “Yes! We could totally rule New York City… it’ll be like the Kardashians when they took Miami. But better.”

  I laughed, but my heart was warm.

  I was doing this. I was going to start over in a big city, a beautifully chaotic city, where nobody knew me. While I would miss sunny California, I had officially closed that chapter in my life.

  An idea crossed my mind, and I looked at my best friend. “There’s something I need to do.”

  This girl needed to find the closest tattoo shop.

  A month had passed since I left Ryan and my heart behind in California, and I found myself at a dinner date with a girl named Natalie. She was brunette, tanned, and tall. Her teeth were perfectly white, and her eyes were a deep green. She was everything Ryan wasn’t. Which made her exactly opposite of anything I wanted.

  Dad had set us up, her father was looking at doing business with my dad, and it was obvious what the intent of this date was. If she and I hit it off, we could date. If we dated, we could get serious. If we got serious, we could get married. If we got married, we’d have something even more important than babies. We’d have a merger.

  She was nice, but it seemed like she wanted to be there with me as much as I wanted to be there with her. We were a sad duo. Forced into an unwanted relationship solely because we’d been born into the wrong families.

  You could like her, sweetie, mom had told me before I left for the restaurant.

  It was unlikely. And after an hour of awkward silences and pushing our food around with our forks, I’d drawn the conclusion that I had been right. It was unlikely anything could come from this date. Not when my heart was still with a certain blonde across the country. And as time pressed forward through the dinner, my mind was also with her.

  What was she doing? Was she okay? Was she angry? Sad? Relieved?

  I would have done anything to be able to hear from her, but I had promised Kayla I would stay away. She in turn had promised she wouldn’t ever bring Ryan up in our conversations. Though after the lashing she gave me, I had a feeling our conversations would be short and few between.

  Finally, the night ended. Natalie and I hugged and I couldn’t help but notice that it didn’t feel right the way her body pressed against mine. Her breasts were larger than Ryan’s and she was only a couple inches shorter than I was with her high heels.

  It felt wrong.

  We parted, going our separate ways. And I hoped that was last of her I would see.

  It wasn’t.

  My dad had set up dinner dates for Natalie and I each Friday night, and part of me wondered if he partially chose Friday night to keep me from going out and making our family name look bad in the tabloids. I couldn’t give less of a shit what our family name looked like, and after I would drop Natalie off at her house, I would find my way to a club. I had a few friends from college that would meet me in the city to party, and we would spend the night drinking, doing drugs, and fucking women.

  Sometimes I would almost forget about the blue-eyed ghost that haunted my dreams at night.

  Almost.

  I spent weekend after weekend like that. Being an immature idiot, but I couldn’t find it in me to quit. Feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain of losing the one I loved.

  It was the fourth month of weekly dates with Natalie when we actually talked and got to know each other. She was a year younger than I was and had dreams of being an engineer. That surprised me because I had always assumed she would want to be a model or some stupid shit like that. I felt guilty for thinking so little of the girl. I also felt bad that it had taken four months to actually talk, really talk. She was a complete stranger to me, and it was mostly my fault because I had been determined to hate her.

  She was everything I didn’t want. I put the anger I held toward my father on her. I blamed her for being the reason I had been forced to leave Ryan. She had the right family name while Ryan had the key to my soul.

  We spent that night laughing, and I realized she was actually quite beautiful in her own way. I invited her home with me, she accepted.

  She was the first woman I fucked while completely sober since Ryan. I woke up with a slender arm draped across my bare stomach and I felt sick.

  I fucking hated that I couldn’t get over Ryan. She hadn’t even attempted to contact me since I had left. Clearly she hadn’t cared enough about me to pick up a phone. Why couldn’t I be with someone like Natalie? Why couldn’t I just be happy for once in my life? Natalie worked in my life. She was someone dad approved of. She liked me and was enjoyable to be around.

  But Natalie wasn’t her.

  Ryan.

  My savior turned devil. My angel who tormented me.

  When Natalie woke up that morning, I informed her that we were done.

  She laughed and said, “Thank God.”

  Dad yelled when I told him. He couldn’t have disagreed with us more.

  Mom cried. And not because she had been under the impression she’d be getting a daughter in law.

  I bled. Apparently breaking up with Natalie warranted a broken nose and stitches to seal a busted eye.

  I spent the next years keeping my head low and nose clean. I didn’t want to give my dad any reason to disown me after I had already given up so much. I killed the partying enough to pass college and graduated with my degree in business, but as soon as I graduated I was back in the party scene. I didn’t care about much. I had recieved my money from my trust when I turned twenty-one, I had my family name, and I had my business with Devlin.

  But I didn’t have
Ryan.

  And without her, I had nothing.

  When most people in the city were busy Black Friday shopping, Ryan and I spent the day rolling around in my king-sized bed getting to know each other again. I had been right during my first assessment of her. She had filled out and was a woman now. Her curves drove me mad. Her mouth did dirty things. Her pussy was unlike anything I had imagined.

  I had been worried after years of building her up in my mind, that she wouldn’t reach whatever ridiculous expectations I had put on her. But I had been so wrong. She was more than I could have ever imagined.

  After we ate lunch, leftover turkey sandwiches, we had another round of sex in my bed. We then curled up and slept off our all-nighter. I’d like to think I was a man who could go all night, but after actually going all night with Ryan, I decided it was not the wisest decision. I felt like I could sleep for a week. Fuck, especially if her warm, naked body was pressed against mine like it was.

  “Why are you still awake?” Ryan yawned as she stretched her arms over her head. The sheets that had been covering her slid down her body, revealing her perfect tits. I stifled a groan and tried to focus on her question.

  “It’s hard to sleep next to you when I know how much catching up we have to do,” I lied. The truth was that I had been watching her as she slept. Her eyelids would flutter as she dreamed. Her soft breaths caused her chest to rise and fall. But telling her that sounded creepy as fuck, so I kept that part to myself.

  “If you’re expecting round forty, or whatever it is at this point, think again, buddy. I can’t even move my legs.”

  As to demonstrate that fact, she flopped around underneath the sheets while making a grunting sound that would have been unattractive on any other person had they not been her. But as she flailed around like a maniac, she was everything I could have ever hoped for. She was carefree, smiling, and beautiful.

  She stopped once she realized that I wasn’t laughing and narrowed her eyes. “Stop looking at me like that.”

  “Like what?” I taunted.

  “Like…” she waved her finger in a circle around my face, “that!”

  “I’m just trying to figure out a nice way to break things off with you. I’ve changed my mind. I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who can make such a terrible noise.”

  Her mouth fell open in false offense. “Jackson Bennett, you take that back. I am a beautiful woman.”

  She was, and she knew that I thought so too.

  “Hmm,” was my return.

  She slapped my arm playfully before adding, “Go make me food. I’m starved.”

  “What am I? Your fucking servant?”

  “Yes.” She nodded emphatically and hid her smile from me.

  Shaking my head, I pushed the covers off of my sore limbs and attempted to stand. Everything hurt.

  Shit, I was getting old.

  “You okay over there, old man?” Ryan asked. I swear that woman had mind-reading superpowers or something.

  I gave her a thumbs up before wobbling out of the room and toward the kitchen.

  “Thank you!” she shouted from the room.

  “You’re welcome, lazy ass!”

  “Who are you calling a lazy ass?”

  “You!”

  There was a pause before she laughed, “Okay fine.”

  The bedroom was upstairs, so I braced myself against the arm rail of the stairs and cursed under my breath.

  Jesus Christ I was out of shape. One night with Ryan and my grave seemed a day closer.

  When I reached the kitchen, I picked up my cell phone that I had left on the counter and noticed that I had six missed calls. They were all from the same number: Jane Sawyer. And if they were from Jane Sawyer, that meant she had something to tell me about Jeffrey. She probably wanted more money.

  Annoyed that Jane was ruining my perfect day with Ryan, I hit the voicemail button and listened.

  Hey it’s me, her sickly, sweet voice rang, Look, I know it’s a holiday. But it’s important. Jeffrey is sick… more sick than he has been for the past few years. I don’t think that he has much time. And I know you’ll regret not seeing him. I know you hate us. I get it, I do. But I beg you please reconsider your stance on not meeting him. He’s wanted to meet you for a while now… Just give me a call back.

  A wave of guilt filtered through me and settled in the pit of my stomach. I had been so angry when I found out about Jeffrey that I hadn’t ever wanted to meet him. Jane called once a month, urging me to change my mind, but I never did, not even when she informed me he was sick and probably wouldn’t live for very much longer.

  I should have felt ashamed to deny Jeffrey of seeing me. But I had avoided him, and Jane, for so long now that I wasn’t sure what was more cruel. Seeing him now that he had no more time left or ignoring him until he slipped away.

  Either way, this was exactly why I hadn’t ever wanted to be a father.

  I wasn’t cut out for father/son relationships. If Benjamin and Jeffrey had taught me anything, it was that.

  My phone began to buzz a few minutes after I had begun cooking a grilled cheese for Ryan. I reached for it and found my mom’s name flashing across the screen.

  “Yeah?” I said into the phone as I answered it.

  “Honey… I heard from Jane.”

  Dear Lord. Jane had no shame when it came to getting ahold of me.

  “And?”

  “Jackson, don’t you think you should go see him?”

  No. No, I really didn’t.

  “I don’t owe him or Jane shit.”

  “You know that’s not true…”

  “Really? I’m just a money bag for them, Mom.”

  “Sweetie—”

  “No, I’m not discussing this with you. It’s too late for us to have a father-son relationship now.”

  I heard my mother sigh on the other end of the line, and I knew I had won this battle. Regardless of what she thought I should do, she knew she didn’t have much ground to stand on when it came to telling me what I should do in this kind of situation. Considering she lied to me about Benjamin being my dad my whole life.

  Kids were better off not knowing their dads when their dads were shitty people. Of that much, I was certain.

  “Okay, maybe call Jane. Talk things out. You might change your mind.”

  “Fine,” I relented. Honestly, I just wanted to get off of the phone, finish Ryan’s damn sandwich, and get back in bed with the love of my life.

  “We’ll talk soon,” my mom told me before the line went dead.

  A man of my word, I quickly dialed Jane’s number and peeked my head out of the kitchen toward the staircase. There was no sound coming from the top of the stairs. I still needed to tell Ryan about Jeffrey, and I rathered she didn’t find out overhearing a phone call.

  “Hello?” came Jane’s sticky Southern accent. I wanted to hate her, but she made it damn hard. She sounded as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, but I refused to let myself feel guilty about any of that.

  “Jane, it’s Jackson. I got your call.”

  “Jackson… yes, about Jeffrey?”

  What other phone had there been? Of course about Jeffrey.

  I bit back my sarcasm and opted to be cordial. “Yes.”

  “He’s not doing well. Doctors say he probably has a couple months at best. The cancer’s spread…” Her voice trailed off, and I heard her sniffling. She was crying, and damn if that didn’t hurt a little to hear. The woman may have seemingly conned me out of thousands of dollars when she found out where I was, but she was a desperate woman in a desperate situation. I couldn’t quite hate her for doing what she had to do.

  “So you need money?”

  It was usually the only reason she called. She would tell me she was calling to convince me to meet Jeffrey, but we both knew she could care less if I met him as long as she got her monthly check.

  “No…” There was rustling from her end. It sounded like papers, “You need
to meet him before he goes. You’ll regret it. You’ve invested so much money in him… You need to come back to California before it’s too late.”

  The battle that raged within me was pulling me to pieces. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t care that Jeffrey was dying. I wanted to pretend like it had nothing to do with me.

  But it did.

  I was his.

  He was mine.

  Whether I liked it or not.

  “Fine, I’ll be there. I’ll book a flight tonight and send you the details.”

  “Really?” She sounded shocked. “The sooner the better, honey.”

  I wanted to tell her not to call me honey. Pet names were strictly forbidden between us.

  “Okay, I’ll get the soonest flight out.”

  “Talk to you soon. He’s awake, I’ve got to go.”

  “Sure, bye.”

  We hung up, and I walked back into the kitchen only to find I had burnt Ryan’s sandwich.

  I cursed and pulled it off the burner.

  I had the tendency to fuck things up.

  I just prayed a second chance with Ryan wasn’t one of them.

  I waited patiently for Jackson to return with our food, and after what seemed like ages, he returned, but he wasn’t the same as when he had left. His bright eyes were dimmed, and his smile had been replaced with a scowl.

  I wondered what about grilled cheese could make someone so grumpy, but I didn’t want to further his bad mood by asking. Instead, I took the plate he held out to me and began to eat. He sat next to me and played with the crust of his sandwich.

  “I burned the first one accidently…” he mumbled.

  “Hmm?”

  “The sandwich,” he pointed to my half-eaten grilled cheese. “I burned your first one and had to start all over. That’s what took so long.”

  I didn’t know why he was telling me that, but the look on his face told me he wasn’t being completely honest. About what, I wasn’t sure. But I hoped that this wasn’t going to be how we started whatever it was we were doing.

  “Okay,” was all I said back.

  We ate in silence. When I was finished, I placed the plate on the night stand beside Jackson’s bed and laid back down.

  “I’m going away for business in California for a couple of days.” His voice sounded detached and distant.