Myth-Ing Persons

by Robert Asprin

  "So what do we do now. Hot Stuff?" Massha sighed.

  "The only thing I can think of is to try to locate those witnesses before the execution date," I said. "What I can't figure is how to go about looking without getting half the town down on our necks."

  "What we really need is a bloodhound," Guido grumbled.

  "Say, that's not a bad idea!" Vilhelm exclaimed, coming to life. "Maybe I can help you after all!"

  "You got a bloodhound?" the bodyguard said, raising his eyebrows.

  "Even better," the vampire declared. "I don't know why I didn't think of it before. The ones you need to get in touch with are the Woof Writers."

  I studied him carefully to see if this were some kind of joke.

  "The Woof Writers?" I repeated at last.

  "Well, that's what we in Blut call them behind their backs. Actually, they're a husband-wife team of werewolves who are on a big crusade to raise sympathy for humans."

  "Werewolves," I said carefully.

  "Sure. We got all kinds here in Limbo. Anyway, if anyone in this dimension will be willing to stick their necks out for you, they're the ones. They do their own thing and don't really give a hang what any of the other locals think about it. Besides, werewolves are second to none when it comes to sniffing out a trail."

  "Werewolves."

  Vilhelm cocked his head at me curiously.

  "Am I imagining things, Skeeve, or didn't you just say that?"

  "What's more," Massha smiled sweetly, "he'll probably say it again. It bears repeating."

  "Werewolves," I said again, just to support my apprentice.

  "Boss," Guido began, "I don't want to say this, but nobody said anything about werewolves when we..."

  "Good," I interrupted brusquely. "You don't want to say it, and I don't want to hear it. Now that we're in agreement, let's just pass on it and..."

  "But Boss! We can't team up with werewolves."

  "Guido, we just went over this. We're in a tight spot and in a strange dimension. We can't afford to be choosy about our allies."

  "You don't understand. Boss. I'm allergic to 'em!"

  I sank down into a chair and hid my face in my hands.

  "I thought you were allergic to garlic," I said through my fingers.

  "That too," the bodyguard said. "But mostly I'm allergic to furry things like kitties or fur coats or..."

  "...or werewolves," Massha finished for him. "Frankly, Dark and Deadly, one starts to wonder how you've been able to function effectively all these years."

  "Hey, it doesn't come up all that often, know what I mean?" Guido argued defensively. "How many times have you been attacked by somethin' furry?"

  "Not as often as I'd like!" Massha leered.

  "Enough, you two," I ordered, raising my head. "Guido, have you ever actually been near a werewolf?"

  "Well, no. But..."

  "Then until we know for sure, we'll assume you're not allergic to them. Okay? Vilhelm, exactly where do we find these Woof Writers of yours?"

  Chapter Eight

  "First, let's decide who's leading and who's following."

  -F. Astaire

  "BOSS, just where the hell is Pahkipsee?"

  I found myself wondering if all bodyguards spent most of their time complaining, or if I had just gotten lucky.

  "Look, Guido. You were there and heard the same instructions I did. If Vilhelm was right, it should be just up the road here a couple more miles."

  "...'a rather dead bedroom community, fit only for those not up to the fast-lane life-style of the big city,' " Massha quoted in a close imitation of the vampire's voice.

  Guido snickered rudely.

  "Why do I get the feeling you didn't particularly warm to Vilhelm, Massha?" I suppressed a grin of my own.

  "Maybe it's because he's the only guy we've met she hasn't made a pass at?" Guido suggested.

  Massha favored him with an extended tongue and crossed eyes before answering.

  "Oh, Vilhelm's okay," she said. "Kinda cute, too...at least the top of his head was. And he did admit that in general vampires were more partial to cities and parties while werewolves preferred the back-to-nature atmosphere of rural living. I just didn't like the crack, that's all. I grew up on a farm, you know. Country breakfasts have a lot to do with my current panoramic physique. Besides, something inside says you shouldn't trust a smiling vampire...or at least you shouldn't trust him too far."

  I had been about to mention the fact that I had grown up on a farm, too, but withheld the information. Obviously, farm food hadn't particularly affected my physique, and I didn't want to rob my apprentice of her excuse.

  "If he had wanted to do us harm, all he would have had to do was blow the whistle on us while we were still in town," I pointed out. "Let's just take things at face value and assume he was really being as nice as he seemed...for all our peace of minds."

  I wished I was as confident as I sounded. We were a long way out in the boondocks, and if Vilhelm had wanted to send us off on a wild goose chase, he couldn't have picked a better direction to start us off in.

  "Yeah, well I'd feel a lot better if we weren't being followed," Guido grumbled.

  I stopped in my tracks. So did Massha...in her tracks, that is. The bodyguard managed to stumble into us before bringing his own forward progress to a halt.

  "What is it, Boss? Something wrong?"

  "For a minute there, I thought I heard you say that we were being followed."

  "Yeah. Since we left the Dispatcher's. Why does...you mean you didn't know?"

  I resisted an impulse to throttle him.

  "No, Guido. I didn't know. You see, my bodyguard didn't tell me. He was too busy complaining about the road conditions to have time to mention anything as trivial as someone following us."

  Guido took a few shaky steps backward.

  "Hey! C'mon, Boss. Don't be like that. I thought you knew! Honest. Whoever's back there isn't doin' such a hot job of hiding the fact that they're dogging our trail. Any idiot could've spotted...I mean..."

  "Keep going, Dark and Deadly," Massha urged. "You're digging yourself in further with every word, in case you hadn't noticed."

  With great effort I brought myself back under control.

  "Whatever," I said. "I don't suppose you have any idea who it is?"

  "Naw. There's only one of 'em. Unless..."

  His voice trailed off into silence and he looked suddenly worried.

  "Out with it, Guido. Unless what?"

  "Well, sometimes when you're getting really tricky about tailing someone, you put one real clumsy punk out front so's they can be spotted while you keep your real ace-hitter hidden. I hadn't stopped to think of that before. This turkey behind us could be a decoy, know what I mean?"

  "I thought you used decoys for ducks, not turkeys," Massha scowled.

  "Well, if that's what's happening, then we're sitting ducks, if it makes you feel any better."

  "Could both of you just be quiet for a few minutes and let me think?" I said, suddenly impatient with their banter.

  "Well, maybe it isn't so bad," Guido said in a doubtful voice. "I'm pretty sure I would have spotted the backup team if there was one."

  "Oh sure," Massha sneered. "Coming out of a town full of vampires that can change themselves into mist whenever they want. Of course you'd spot them."

  "Hey. The Boss here can chew on me if he wants, but I don't have to take that from you. You didn't even spot the turkey, remember?"

  "The only turkey I can see is..."

  "Enough!" I ordered, having arrived at a decision despite their lack of cooperation. "We have to find out for sure who's behind us and what they want. This is as good a place as any, so I suggest we all retire into the bushes and wait for our shadow to catch up with us...No, Massha. I'll be over here with Guido. You take the other side of the road."

  That portion of my plan had less to do with military strategy than with an effort on my part to preserve what little was left of my nerves. I figu
red the only way to shut the two of them up was to separate them.

  "I'm sorry, Boss," Guido whispered as we crouched side by side in the brush. "I keep forgettin' that you aren't as into crime as the boys I usually run with."

  Well, I had been half right. Massha on the other side of the road was being quiet, but as long as he had someone to talk to, Guido was going to keep on expressing his thoughts and opinions. I was starting to understand why Don Bruce insisted on doing all the talking when the bodyguards were around. Encouraging employees to speak up as equals definitely had its drawbacks.

  "Will you keep your voice down?" I tried once more. "This is supposed to be an ambush."

  "Don't worry about that. Boss. It'll be a while before they catch up, and when they do, I'll hear 'em before..."

  "Is that you. Skeeve?"

  The voice came from the darkness just up the road.

  I gave Guido my darkest glare, and he rewarded it with an apologetic shrug that didn't look particularly sincere to me.

  Then it dawned on me where I had heard that voice before.

  "Right here," I said, rising from my crouch and stepping onto the road. "We've been waiting for you. I think it's about time we had a little chat."

  Aside from covering my embarrassment over having been discovered, that had to be my best understatement in quite a while. The last time I had seen this particular person, she was warning me about Aahz's imprisonment.

  "Good." She stepped forward to meet me. "That's why I've been following you. I was hoping we could..."

  Her words stopped abruptly as Guido and Massha rose from the bushes and moved to join us.

  "Well, look who's here," Massha said, flashing one of her less pleasant smiles.

  "If it isn't the little bird who sang to the vampires," Guido leered, matching my apprentice's threatening tone.

  The girl favored them with a withering glance, then faced me again.

  "I was hoping we could talk alone. I've got a lot to say and not much time to say it. It would go faster if we weren't interrupted."

  "Not a chance, Sweetheart," Guido snarled. "I'm not goin' to let the Boss out of my sight with you around."

  "...besides which, I've got a few things to tell you myself," Massha added, "like what I think of folks who think frames look better on people than on paintings."

  The girl's eyes never left mine. For all her bravado, I thought I could detect in their depths an appeal for help.

  "Please," she said softly.

  I fought a brief skirmish in my mind, and, as usual, common sense lost.

  "All right."

  "WHAT! C'mon, Boss. You can't let her get you alone! If her pals are around..."

  "Hot Stuff, if I have to sit on you. you aren't going to..."

  "Look!" I said, wrenching my eyes away from the girl to confront my mutinous staff. "We'll only go a few steps down the road there, in plain sight. If anything happens you'll be able to pitch in before it gets serious."

  "But..."

  "...and you certainly can't think she's going to jump me. I mean, it's a cinch she isn't carrying any concealed weapons."

  That was a fact. She had changed outfits since the last time I saw her, probably to fit in more with the exotic garb favored by the party-loving vampires. She was wearing what I've heard referred to as a "tank top" which left her midsection and navel delightfully exposed, and the open-sided skirt (if you can call two flaps of cloth that) showed her legs up past her hips. If she had a weapon with her, she had swallowed it. Either that, or...

  I dragged my thoughts back to the argument.

  "The fact of the matter is that she isn't going to talk in front of a crowd. Now, am I going to get a chance to hear another viewpoint about what's going on, or are we going to keep groping around for information with Aahz's life hanging in the balance?"

  My staff fell silent and exchanged glances, each waiting for the other to risk the next blast.

  "Well, okay," Massha agreed at last. "But watch yourself, Hot Stuff. Remember, poison can come in pretty bottles."

  So, under the ever-watchful glares of my assistants, I retired a few steps down the road for my first words alone with...

  "Say, what is your name, anyway?"

  "Hmmm? Oh. I'm Luanna. Say, thanks for backing me up. That's a pretty mean-looking crew you hang around with. I had heard you had a following, but I hadn't realized how nasty they were."

  "Oh, they're okay once you get to know them. If you worked with them on a day-to-day basis, you'd find out that they...heck, none of us are really as dangerous or effective as the publicity hype cuts us out to be."

  I was suddenly aware of her eyes on me. Her expression was strange...sort of a bitter half-smile.

  "I've always heard that really powerful people tended to understate what they can do, that they don't have to brag. I never really believed it until now."

  I really didn't know what to say to that. I mean, my reputation had gotten big enough that I was starting to get used to being recognized and talked about at the Bazaar, but what she was displaying was neither fear nor envy. Among my own set of friends, admiration or praise was always carefully hidden within our own brand of rough humor or teasing. Faced with the undiluted form of the same thing, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

  "Ummm, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

  Her expression fell and she dropped her eyes.

  "This is so embarrassing. Please be patient with me, Skeeve...is it all right if I call you Skeeve? I haven't had much experience with saying 'I'm sorry'...heck, I haven't had much experience with people at all. Just partners and pigeons. Now that I'm here, I really don't know what to say."

  "Why don't we start at the beginning?" I wanted to ease her discomfort. "Did you really swindle the Deveels back at the Bazaar?"

  Luanna nodded slowly without raising her eyes.

  "That's what we do. Matt and me. That and running, even though I think sometimes we're better at running than working scams. Maybe if we were better at conning people, we wouldn't get so much practice at running."

  Her words thudded at me like a padded hammer. I had wanted very badly to hear that she was innocent and that it had all been a mistake. I mean, she was so pretty, so sweet, I would have bet my life that she was innocent, yet here she was openly admitting her guilt to me.

  "But why?" I managed at last. "I mean, how did you get involved in swindling people to begin with?"

  Her soft shoulders rose and fell in a helpless shrug.

  "I don't know. It seemed like a good idea when Matt first explained it to me. I was dying to get away from the farm, but I didn't know how to do anything but farm-work for a living...until Matt explained to me how easy it was to get money away from people by playing on their greed. 'Promise them something for nothing,' he said, 'or for so little that they think they're swindling you.' When he put it that way, it didn't seem so bad. It was more a matter of being smart enough to trick people who thought they were taking advantage of you."

  "...by selling them magical items that weren't." I finished for her. "Tell me, why didn't you just go into the magic trade for real?"

  Her head came up, and I caught a quick flash of fire in her sad blue eyes.

  "We didn't know any magic, so we had to fake it. You probably can't understand that, since you're the real McCoy. I knew that the first time I saw you at Possletum. We were going to try to fake our way into the Court Magician spot until you showed up and flashed a bit of real magic at the crown. Even Matt had to admit that we were outclassed, and we kind of faded back before anyone asked us to show what we could do. I think it was then that I..."

  She broke off, giving me a startled, guilty look as if she had been about to say something she shouldn't.

  "Go on," I urged, my curiosity piqued.

  "It's nothing, really," she said hastily. "Now it's your turn. Since I've told you my story, maybe you won't mind me asking how you got started as a magician."

  That set me back a bit. L
ike her, I had been raised on a farm. I had run away, though, planning to seek my fortune as a master thief, and it was only my chance meeting with my old teacher Garkin and eventually Aahz that had diverted my career goals toward magic. In hindsight, my motives were not discernibly better than hers, but I didn't want to admit it just now. I kind of liked the way she looked at me while laboring under the illusion that I was someone noble and special.

  "That's too long a tale to go into just now," I said brusquely. "There are still a few more answers I'd like from you. How come you used our place as a getaway route from Deva?"

  "Oh, that was Vic's idea. We teamed up with him just before we started working our con at the Bazaar. When it looked like the scam was starting to turn sour, he said he knew a way-off dimension that no one would be watching. Matt and I didn't even know it was your place until your doorman asked if we were there to see you. Matt was so scared about having to tangle with you that he wanted to forget the whole thing and find another way out, but Vic showed us the door and it looked so easy we just went along with him."

  "Of course, it never occurred to you that we'd get stuck with the job of trying to bring you back."

  "You better believe it occurred to us. I mean, we didn't think you'd have to do it. We expected you'd be mad at us for getting you involved and come after us yourself. Vic kept saying that we shouldn't worry, that if you found us here in Limbo he could fix it so you wouldn't be able to take us back. I didn't know he was thinking about setting up a frame until he sprang it on your partner."

  I tried to let this console me, but it didn't work. "I notice that once you found out that Aahz was being framed, you still went along with it."

  "Well...I didn't want to, but Vic kept saying that if you two were as good as everyone said, that your partner could get out of jail by himself. We figured that he'd escape before the execution, but with the whole dimension hunting him as a fugitive that he'd be too busy running for home to bother about catching us."

  I was starting to get real anxious to meet this guy Vic. It also occurred to me that of all the potential problems our growing reputation could bring down on us, this was one we had never expected.