This Immortal

by Roger Joseph Zelazny

  I fell to the ground and it all turned black.

  A second later the lights came on again, but I was doubled up and something with a thousand teeth had me by the side and wouldn't let go.

  They were running toward me, all of them, but Phil waved them back.

  Hasan held his position.

  Dos Santos approached.

  "Is that it?" asked Phil softly. "Can you get up?"

  "Yeah. I need a minute to breathe and to put the fire out, but I'll get up."

  "What is the situation?" asked Dos Santos.

  Phil told him.

  I put my hand to my side and stood again, slowly.

  A couple inches higher or lower and something boney might have broken. As it was, it just hurt like blazes.

  I rubbed it, moved my right arm through a few circles to test the play of muscles on that side. Okay.

  Then I picked up the sling and put a stone to it.

  This time it would connect. I had a feeling.

  It went around and around and it came out fast.

  Hasan toppled, clutching at his left thigh.

  Dos Santos went to him. They spoke.

  Hasan's robe had muffled the blow, had partly deflected it. The leg was not broken. He would continue as soon as he could stand.

  He spent five minutes massaging it, then he got to his feet again. During that time my pain had subsided to a dull throbbing.

  Hasan selected his third stone.

  He fitted it slowly, carefully…

  He took my measure. Then he began to lash at the air with the sling…

  All this while I had the feeling-and it kept growing-that I should be leaning a little further to the right. So I did.

  He twirled it, threw it.

  It grazed my fungus and tore at my left ear.

  Suddenly my cheek was wet.

  Ellen screamed, briefly.

  A little further to the right, though, and I wouldn't have been hearing her.

  It was my turn again.

  Smooth, gray, the stone had the feel of death about it…

  I will be it, this one seemed to say.

  It was one of those little premonitory tuggings at my sleeve, of the sort for which I have a great deal of respect.

  I wiped the blood from my cheek. I fitted the stone.

  There was death riding in my right arm as I raised it. Hasan felt it too, because he flinched. I could see this from across the field.

  "You will all remain exactly where you are, and drop your weapons," said the voice.

  It said it in Greek, so no one but Phil and Hasan and I understood it, for sure. Maybe Dos Santos or Red Wig did. I'm still not certain.

  But all of us understood the automatic rifle the man carried, and the swords and clubs and knives of the three dozen or so men and half-men standing behind him.

  They were Kouretes.

  Kouretes are bad.

  They always get their pound of flesh.

  Usually roasted.

  Sometimes fried, though.

  Or boiled, or raw…

  The speaker seemed to be the only one carrying a firearm.

  … And I had a handful of death circling high above my shoulder. I decided to make him a gift of it.

  His head exploded as I delivered it.

  "Kill them!" I said, and we began to do so.

  George and Diane were the first to open fire. Then Phil found a handgun. Dos Santos ran for his pack. Ellen got there fast, too.

  Hasan had not needed my order to begin killing. The only weapons he and I were carrying were the slings. The Kouretes were closer than our fifty meters, though, and theirs was a mob formation. He dropped two of them with well-placed stones before they began their rush. I got one more, also.

  Then they were halfway across the field, leaping over their dead and their fallen, screaming as they came on toward us.

  Like I said, they were not all of them human: there was a tall, thin one with three-foot wings covered with sores, and there were a couple microcephalics with enough hair so that they looked headless, and there was one guy who should probably have been twins, and then several steatopygiacs, and three huge, hulking brutes who kept coming despite bullet-holes in their chests and abdomens; one of these latter had hands which must have been twenty inches long and a foot across, and another appeared to be afflicted with something like elephantiasis. Of the rest, some were reasonably normal in form, but they all looked mean and mangy and either wore rags or no rags at all and were unshaven and smelled bad, too.

  I hurled one more stone and didn't get a chance to see where it hit, because they were upon me then.

  I began lashing out-feet, fists, elbows; I wasn't too polite about it. The gunfire slowed down, stopped. You have to stop to reload sometime, and there'd been some jamming, too. The pain in my side was a very bad thing. Still, I managed to drop three of them before something big and blunt caught me on the side of the head and I fell as a dead man falls.

  Coming to in a stiflingly hot place…

  Coming to in a stiflingly hot place that smells like a stable…

  Coming to in a dark, stiflingly hot place that smells like a stable…

  … This is not real conducive to peace of mind, a settled stomach, or the resumption of sensory activities on a sure and normal keel.

  It stank in there and it was damn hot, and I didn't really want to inspect the filthy floor too closely-it was just that I was in a very good position to do so.

  I moaned, numbered all my bones, and sat up.

  The ceiling was low and it slanted down even lower before it met with the back wall. The one window to the outside was small and barred.

  We were in the back part of a wooden shack. There was another barred window in the opposite wall. It didn't look out on anything, though; it looked in. There was a larger room beyond it, and George and Dos Santos were talking through it with someone who stood on that other side. Hasan lay unconscious or dead about four feet away from me; there was dried blood on his head. Phil and Myshtigo and the girls were talking softly in the far corner.

  I rubbed my temple while all this was registering within. My left side ached steadily, and numerous other portions of my anatomy had decided to join in the game.

  "He's awake," said Myshtigo suddenly.

  "Hi, everybody. I'm back again," I agreed.

  They came toward me and I assumed a standing position. This was sheer bravado, but I managed to carry it.

  "We are prisoners," said Myshtigo.

  "Oh, yeah? Really? I'd never have guessed."

  "Things like this do not happen on Taler," he observed, "or on any of the worlds in the Vegan Combine."

  "Too bad you didn't stay there," I said. "Don't forget the number of times I asked you to go back."

  "This thing would not have occurred if it had not been for your duel."

  I slapped him then. I couldn't bring myself to slug him. He was just too pathetic. I hit him with the back of my hand and knocked him over into the wall.

  "Are you trying to tell me you don't know why I stood there like a target this morning?"

  "Because of your quarrel with my bodyguard," he stated, rubbing his cheek.

  "-Over whether or not he was going to kill you."

  "Me? Kill…?'

  "Forget it," I said. "It doesn't really matter anyhow. Not now. You're still on Taler, and you may as well stay there for your last few hours. It would have been nice if you could have come to Earth and visited with us for awhile. But things didn't work out that way."

  "We are going to die here, aren't we?" he asked.

  "That is the custom of the country."

  I turned away and studied the man who was studying me from the other side of the bars. Hasan was leaning against the far wall then, holding his head. I hadn't noticed his getting up.

  "Good afternoon," said the man behind the bars, and he said it in English.

  "Is it afternoon?" I asked.

  "Quite," he replied.

 
"Why aren't we dead?" I asked him.

  "Because I wanted you alive," he stated. "Oh, not you personally-Conrad Nomikos, Commissioner of Arts, Monuments and Archives-and all your distinguished friends, including the poet laureate. I wanted any prisoners whom they came upon brought back alive. Your identities are, shall we say, condiments."

  "To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?" I asked.

  "This is Doctor Moreby," said George.

  "He is their witch doctor," said Dos Santos.

  "I prefer 'Shaman' or 'Medicine Chief,'" corrected Moreby, smiling.

  I moved closer to the grillwork and saw that he was rather thin, well-tanned, clean-shaven, and had all his hair woven into one enormous black braid which was coiled like a cobra about his head. He had close-set eyes, dark ones, a high forehead, and lots of extra jaw reaching down past his Adam's apple. He wore woven sandals, a clean green sari, and a necklace of human fingerbones. In his ears were big snake-shaped circlets of silver.

  "Your English is rather precise," said I, "and 'Moreby' is not a Greek name."

  "Oh goodness!" He gestured gracefully, in mock surprise. "I'm not a local! How could you ever mistake me for a local?"

  "Sorry," I said; "I can see now that you're too well-dressed."

  He giggled.

  "Oh, this old rag… I just threw it on.-No, I'm from Taler. I read some wonderfully rousing literature on the subject of Returnism, and I decided to come back and help rebuild the Earth."

  "Oh? What happened then?"

  "The Office was not hiring at the time, and I experienced some difficulty in finding employment locally. So I decided to engage in research work. This place is full of opportunities for that."

  "What sort of research?"

  "I hold two graduate degrees in cultural anthropology, from New Harvard. I decided to study a Hot tribe in depth-and after some blandishments I got this one to accept me. I started out to educate them, too. Soon, though, they were deferring to me, all over the place. Wonderful for the ego. After a time, my studies, my social work, came to be of less and less importance. Well, I daresay you've read Heart of Darkness-you know what I mean. The local practices are so-well, basic. I found it much more stimulating to participate than to observe. I took it upon myself to redesign some of their grosser practices along more esthetic lines. So I did really educate them, after all. They do things with ever so much style since I've come here."

  "Things? Such as?"

  "Well, for one thing, they were simple cannibals before. For another, they were rather unsophisticated in their use of their captives prior to slaying them. Things like that are quite important. If they're done properly they give you class, if you know what I mean. Here I was with a wealth of customs, superstitions, taboos-from many cultures, many eras-right here, at my fingertips." He gestured again. "Man-even half-man, Hot man-is a ritual-loving creature, and I knew ever so many rituals and things like that. So I put all of this to good use and now I occupy a position of great honor and high esteem."

  "What are you trying to tell me about us?" I asked.

  "Things were getting rather dull around here," he said, "and the natives were waxing restless. So I decided it was time for another ceremony. I spoke with Procrustes, the War Chief, and suggested he find us some prisoners. I believe it is on page 577 of the abridged edition of The Golden Bough that it states, "The Tolalaki, notorious head-hunters of Central Celebes, drink the blood and eat the brains of their victims that they may become brave. The Italones of the Philippine Islands drink the blood of their slain enemies, and eat part of the back of their heads and of their entrails raw to acquire their courage.' Well, we have the tongue of a poet, the blood of two very formidable warriors, the brains of a very distinguished scientist, the bilious liver of a fiery politician, and the interesting-colored flesh of a Vegan-all in this one room here. Quite a haul, I should say."

  "You make yourself exceedingly clear," I observed. "What of the women?"

  "Oh, for them we'll work out a protracted fertility rite ending in a protracted sacrifice."

  "I see."

  "… That is to say, if we do not permit all of you to continue on your way, unmolested."

  "Oh?"

  "Yes. Procrustes likes to give people a chance to measure themselves against a standard, to be tested, and possibly to redeem themselves. He is most Christian in this respect."

  "And true to his name, I suppose?"

  Hasan came over and stood beside me, stared out through the grillwork at Moreby.

  "Oh, good, good," said Moreby. "Really, I'd like to keep you around awhile, you know? You have a sense of humor. Most of the Kouretes lack this adjunct to what are otherwise exemplary personalities. I could learn to like you…"

  "Don't bother. Tell me about the way of redemption, though."

  "Yes. We are the wardens of the Dead Man. He is my most interesting creation. I am certain that one of you two shall realize this during your brief acquaintanceship with him." He glanced from me to Hasan to me to Hasan.

  "I know of him," I said. "Tell me what must be done."

  "You are called upon to bring forth a champion to do battle with him, this night, when he rises again from the dead."

  "What is he?"

  "A vampire."

  "Crap. What is he really?"

  "He is a genuine vampire. You'll see."

  "Okay, have it your way. He's a vampire, and one of us will fight him. How?"

  "Catch-as-catch-can, bare-handed-and he isn't very difficult to catch. He'll just stand there and wait for you. He'll be very thirsty, and hungry too, poor fellow."

  "And if he is beaten, do your prisoners go free?"

  "That is the rule, as I originally outlined it some sixteen or seventeen years ago. Of course, this contingency has never arisen…"

  "I see. You're trying to tell me he's tough."

  "Oh, he's unbeatable. That's the fun of it. It wouldn't make for a good ceremony if it could end any other way. I tell the whole story of the battle before it takes place, and then my people witness it. It reaffirms their faith in destiny and my own close association with its workings."

  Hasan glanced at me.

  "What does he mean, Karagee?"

  "It's a fixed fight," I told him.

  "On the contrary," said Moreby, "it is not. It doesn't have to be. There was once an old saying on this planet, in connection with an ancient sport: Never bet against the damn Yankees, or you'll lose money. The Dead Man is unbeatable because he was born with a considerable amount of native ability, upon which I have elaborated, considerably. He has dined upon many champions, so of course his strength is equal to all of theirs. Everyone who's read Frazer knows that."

  He yawned, covering his mouth with a feathered wand.

  "I must go to the barbecue area now, to supervise the decking of the hall with boughs of holly. Decide upon your champion this afternoon, and I'll see you all this evening. Good day."

  "Trip and break your neck."

  He smiled and left the shack.

  I called a meeting.

  "Okay," I said, "they've got a weird Hot One called the Dead Man, who is supposed to be very tough. I am going to fight him tonight. If I can beat him we are supposed to go free, but I wouldn't take Moreby's word for anything. Therefore, we must plan an escape, else we will be served up on a chafing dish.

  "Phil, do you remember the road to Volos?" I asked.

  "I think so. It's been a long time… But where are we now, exactly?"

  "If it is of any help," answered Myshtigo, from beside the window, "I see a glowing. It is not any color for which there is a word in your language, but it is off in that direction." He pointed. "It is a color which I normally see in the vicinity of radioactive materials if the atmosphere is dense enough about them. It is spread over quite a large area."

  I moved to the window and stared in that direction.

  "That could be the Hot Spot, then," I said. "If that is the case, then they've actually brought us further along t
oward the coast, which is good. Was anyone conscious when we were brought here?"

  No one answered.

  "All right. Then well operate under the assumption that that is the Hot Spot, and that we are very close to it. The road to Volos should be back that way, then." I pointed in the opposite direction. "Since the sun is on this side of the shack and it's afternoon, head in the other direction after you hit the road-away from the sunset. It might not be more than twenty-five kilometers."

  "They will track us," said Dos Santos.

  "There are horses," said Hasan.

  "What?"

  "Up the street, in a paddock. There were three near that rail earlier. They are back behind the edge of the building now. There may be more. They were not strong-looking horses, though."

  "Can all of you ride?" I asked.

  "I have never ridden a horse," said Myshtigo, "but the thrid is something similar. I have ridden thrid."

  Everyone else had ridden horses.

  "Tonight, then," I said. "Ride double if you must. If there are more than enough horses, then turn the others loose, drive them away. As they watch me fight the Dead Man you will make a break for the paddock, Seize what weapons you can and try to fight your way to the horses.-Phil, get them up to Makrynitsa and mention the name of Korones anywhere. They will take you in and protect you."

  "I am sorry," said Dos Santos, "but your plan is not a good one."

  "If you've got a better one, let's hear it," I told him.

  "First of all," he said, "we cannot really rely on Mister Graber. While you were still unconscious he was in great pain and very weak. George believes that he suffered a heart attack during or shortly after our fight with the Kouretes. If anything happens to him we are lost. We will need you to guide us out of here, if we do succeed in breaking free. We cannot count on Mister Graber.

  "Second," he said, "you are not the only man capable of fighting an exotic menace. Hasan will undertake the defeat of the Dead Man."

  "I can't ask him to do that," I said. "Even if he wins, he will probably be separated from us at the time, and they'll doubtless get to him pretty fast. It would most likely mean his life. You hired him to kill for you, not to die."

  "I will fight him, Karagee," he said.

  "You don't have to."

  "But I wish to."

  "How are you feeling now, Phil?" I asked.