Toska (Dark World Saga Book 1)

by A. R. Kingston

  “I miss you, Kotek; I miss you so much.” He weeps softly “I would give anything to be able to see you again, just once.”

  In that instant, looking at him so broken and beaten down, I’m overcome with profound grief. I want nothing more than to be with him, to take his pain away. So, even though I know it’s pointless, I put my arms around his shoulders and lean my head against him. The pinning to feel him again is so harrowing I am starting to feel like I am being drawn and quartered. All my joints ache, and my flesh is aflame, so much that I can almost swear it’s melting right off me.

  “I miss you too, dearest,” I whisper sadly as a single hot tear rolls down my cheek.

  I must have gone crazy; I am starting to imagine I can really feel his shoulder under my head and his silky hair on my forehead. Victor reaches up and touches my arm with his gloved hand; it feels so real as it holds on to me gently, it feels as if we are both alive again.

  “Katya, is…” there is a hint of excitement in his voice “…is that really you?”

  Opening my eyes, I lift my head to look at his face, this time he is looking back at me, wide-eyed, so I know he is not looking through me. Lifting my hands up to my face I turn them around, to my surprise I am no longer translucent, I’m as real as I once was. Still wary, I reach out and wipe the tears off his face, they are wet and cold. He touches the back of my hands with his they are cold but still familiar. I’m not sure what happened, but I have finally managed to manifest myself in the physical world. I continue to sit on my knees on the mattress, staring at Victor, tears falling down my face for the first time in ages.

  “I…I…think so.”

  Tears keep falling to the floor; it feels good to cry, it makes me feel alive, I was whole again. Victor wraps his arms around me tight, bringing me into his body, I feel his chest rise and fall as I rest my head on it. Listening to the faint sound of his heart thumping in his breast I cling tightly to his shirt as he strokes my hair. For over a century I have been lost, wondering about aimlessly trying to find my way, and just like that, I’m finally home. I am right where I belong, in Victor's arms, and I am not leaving no matter what. Squeezing him tighter I hold on, not daring to let go for the fear I will vanish from sight again. Reciprocating, he moves me closer to him.

  “Then it’s true, it was you in that photograph, you are still here too.”

  “More or less. My spirit lingers between worlds, so I guess in a way I am.”

  “A ghost.” His voice is shaking; I can tell he is crying “But, how?”

  “Not sure. One minute the world is black and cold, and next, I’m standing over my body looking on at the scene unfolding in front of me in horror.” I pull away and gaze into his bright eyes “I suppose there was something that held me back, and for once, I am glad it did.”

  I stroke his cheek, unable to contain my smile and Victor reaches up to gently brushes his thumb across my lips. I tremble at how his touch makes me feel. Keeping those luminous eyes on me he leans in placing his smooth cold lips on mine, his kiss feels so real I think I am about to die all over again. His razor-sharp fangs brush across my lips, cutting into the skin with an intense sting. It seems like ghosts can experience pain when they materialize in the physical world, but I don’t mind, the pain makes me feel human again. Victor pulls away, holding my chin in his hand, he admires me with his unique crooked smile.

  “Your lips are just as sinfully sweet as I remember them. I never would have guessed a ghost can feel so real.”

  “Yes, well, I never imagined vampires can enter hallowed ground.”

  I tilt my head away from him, but my eyes refuse to move, I keep staring up at him. I’m not sure how much of what I know about him I should reveal. Oblivious to the implications of what I said, Victor chuckles lightly. Releasing me from his grasp he leans back against the wall, and I join him, clinging to his arm as if to anchor myself to his world.

  “That’s just an unfortunate misconception, invented by superstitious villagers to make my kind less frightening than we really are. Just like the myth that says we are allergic to garlic. I guess a demon becomes less scary if you know there is a way to defeat it.”

  “Oh, is that so Victor Vasilyev…” I raise my eyebrow at him “…you’re not allergic to garlic. Did I hear you correctly?”

  “Alright, so maybe this particular vampire is,” he glances over at me smiling “but I hated that stuff in my mortal life too.”

  “I know.” I giggle “That’s why I asked. If I remember correctly, you were ten, and you had way too much of your babushkas picked garlic on Christmas. It made you so sick, you threw up all over the place, twice, may I add.”

  “Yes, you’re right love, I ate about seven or eight of those cloves. They tasted awful coming back up; I hated the stuff ever since.” He shook his head laughing at the distant memory. “I can’t believe you still remember all of it.”

  “You bet, wasn’t it you who said I had an impeccable memory? I even remember Uncle Leo telling you it can all be fixed with just a shot of vodka. The whole evening you were sick he kept insisting you should just take a shot and be done with it all.”

  “Good old Leo, he thought vodka was the cure for everything, if only he knew how wrong he was. You won’t believe how much vodka I drank trying to cure myself of this curse, couldn’t even drink myself into a stupor though.” Victor looked at me with a bitter smile “So, how long have you been following me?”

  “Since the metro a few nights ago.” I look down on my lap embraced.

  “I knew it; I knew I heard you say my name in that alleyway when I was feeding.” He looked down at his feet with a grave expression. “I thought I was going crazy, with the anniversary of your death and all, but I thought I felt your presence around that night in my bed. Does this mean it was you who broke my jewelry box?”

  “I didn’t do it intentionally. But what do you expect of me?” I glance up at him in anger, my eyes full of hurt when I recalled the circumstances behind the incident. “For the last one hundred and fifty-three years I have looked for you, never giving up on being with you again, and when I finally find you, you are fucking Nadia of all people. I got jealous; I was upset, I felt like you had forsaken our love, and somehow that caused me to briefly manifest in this world.”

  “Oh Katya, I’m so sorry.” Victor looked up at me distressed, eyes full of regret as tears began to fall from them again. “I never meant for it to happen, I wish you hadn’t seen it. It’s just that you have been dead for a hundred years, and each year that went by without you in it just killed me a little more on the inside. I had resisted Nadia’s advances all those years, but I wanted to feel something, anything, I just wanted to feel alive again.”

  “So, having sex with her made you feel alive?”

  “No, quite the opposite actually. Every time I was with her I died a little more on the inside, so much so that I hated myself. Eventually, I just rationalized I deserved this; God wanted me to suffer because I let you die. So I tortured myself in hopes he would forgive me and allow me to be with you again.”

  The frustration I felt was beginning to subside now that I have finally understood why Victor did the things he did. Part of me still hated him, it did not want to forgive him, it wanted him to suffer, but that part is not me, and I will be damned if I let it win. This was Victor, after all, the same Victor who painted my dull world in a rainbow over a century and a half ago. I could not hate him even if I tried; my heart would not allow it.

  “There is no God for you to seek forgiveness from, you had been punishing yourself for nothing.” I hug him close not willing to let go. “If it’s forgiveness you need, then you have mine, and I am never leaving your side again.”

  “Promise?”

  “Absolutely. I lost you once before; I won’t let it happen again.”

  We both lean back against the wall, sitting on the squeaky old mattress. Victor puts his head on my shoulder, his hand over mine, our fingers intertwined. Laying my head over h
is, I inhale the heavenly scent of orange blossoms which he seems to produce. My eyes travel around the room, we have not gone far from the building on Stary Arbat, but somehow, I find us in a whole different world.

  “What is this place? I mean you had to have come here for a reason, and you had a key.”

  “This is my old place, one in which I lived for the first hundred years or so after I turned. When Nadia brought me to Moscow and explained everything that happened, I refused to believe it; I ran back to Dedinovo only to have her story confirmed. Returning to Moscow, Nadia insisted I come live with her, but I refused, choosing instead to sleep in sewers and basements of buildings.

  “One night I saved a blind man from being robbed. He took me in when he learned I was homeless. We took care of each other; I told him I worked nights so he would not question me sleeping in the day. When he passed away, this place became mine. It used to be nicer, but after Lenin won the war, everything of value had been reclaimed for the people. I continued to live here until I made the horrible mistake of seeking out Nadia.”

  “Tragic, I bet it was lovely back in the day, a place we could have called home had we lived. I guess Dedinovo did not fare much better, between Hitler and Stalin there is not much left, though I can’t say I blame people for not sticking around. The cities had all the food, so most left to have a fair chance to survive.”

  “That’s the nature of us undead beasts, isn’t it? We stand on the sidelines, watching the world change in front of our eyes, while we remain the same?”

  “Yes. But I’m happy to watch it change as long as you are by my side.”

  Looking up at me, Victor smiles softly. He pulls my engagement ring out from his shirt and hands it to me. Slipping back on my ringer finger, I look it over, it still fits perfectly, as if it never left. I have lived so long without it I had forgotten what it feels like to wear it, but seeing it back on my finger elates me.

  “It belongs to you, it fell off when you died, and I spent hours digging in the snow to find it. All these years I wore it around my neck, not willing to let you go, but now that you are back I think you should wear it again. If you still want to be mine that is.”

  “Of course I still want to be yours, not a second has gone by in which I was not bound to you.” I look up at him biting my lip. Slipping the ring off my finger, I place it in the palm of his hand and close his fingers shut around it. “But perhaps it’s best if you held on to this though, I can’t exactly carry things on me that I did not die in. As is I am bound to this garb for all eternity.”

  “Does this mean this doesn’t come off?” he gently tugs on the collar of my dress pouting.

  “Oh no, it does, but only if I leave it within three meters of me, otherwise it will just reaper on my body like I never took it off.”

  “Good to know…” he tugs at my dress more playfully and kisses my neck, stopping to suck at my collar bone “…what else can ghosts do?”

  “Pretty much the same things you can, we may not normally have a corporeal form, but we can still indulge in the more sinful endeavors.”

  “Does…does this mean you have been intimate with other men?”

  “Me? No, I apparently have more self-control than some people I know.”

  Victor pulls away from me, turning his face away from mine in shame. I regret what I had said instantly. With his back turned to me he looks rejected, like a small boy whose mother just told him no. Sliding closer to him I grab hold of his shoulders with both hands, bringing my face close to his ear I nibble on his earlobe, and he turns to face me again.

  “I’m sorry Victor, I shouldn’t have said that. I guess a part of me still feels bitter about it. I won’t bring it up again, I promise.”

  “It’s alright Kotek, I deserve it for betraying you like that.” Victor sighs sadly as he looks up at me. “You just have no idea how much I missed those sinful endeavors with you, and only you.” He wraps me in his arms, placing me to sit in his lap. “And I would love to ravage you right here and now, but, considering that I just got you back, I will settle for holding you in my arms while we sleep.”

  “I don’t sleep, no need to now that I’m mostly dead. But, I will be more than happy to lay in your arms while you do, though, seeing as vampires still need their beauty rest.”

  Laying down on the lumpy worn out mattress I snuggled into the nook Victor’s body had created, his arms wrapping around me like a blanket. I stayed there, listening to his breath as he fell into a deep sleep. Outside the apartment, in the shadows I heard the dark figures linger, their growls could be heard pacing behind the door, but they did not come in. Irrational as it seemed, I knew I was safe here in Victor’s arms, as long as he was by my side the things outside would not hurt us. Allowing myself to relax, I closed my eyes and started to recall all the wonderful times Victor, and I shared in our past life.

  7

  Unusual Salvation

  I

  ’m not sure how long I laid there with his arm draped over me, but by the time I rolled out from his grasp, the bright winter sun was shining through the small holes in the blanket covering the window. Standing up from the mattress I walk over and look through the narrow gap to a snow-covered street outside, a fresh layer had fallen overnight and is now shining brightly in the sun, blinding you. The shadows from behind the door have retreated, or at least they have been confined to the unlighted corners of the building. I need to get going, but I can’t seem to pull myself away.

  I look at Victor curled up on the floor, sleeping soundly, he looks absolutely beautiful, perfect even, so much that for a moment I forget what he really is. I hated to leave him, but I needed to see if I could figure out how to help him, and last night we passed the one place in the city that possibly contained the answer. Heading for the door, I reached for the handle, only to have my hand go right through it. Bringing my hands up to where I could see them I realize I’m transparent again.

  “Blin,” I mutter to myself. “Why does this always happen to me?”

  Irked by my unstable state I floated through the door, hoping to get this situation under control before Victor woke up. Waiting for me on the doorstep is the small orange tabby from last night. Noticing me walk through the door, the cat sits up, fixing its gaze on me and letting out a high-pitched meow. I look down at the creature in contempt, I have grown to really dislike cats in the last hundred years or so, something about their uncanny ability to see spirits creeps me out. This cat seems undeterred by my obvious disgust of it and meows at me again, softer this time, something in the way it looks at me thaws my heart a bit, I suppose I can make an exception for one cat.

  “I’ll be back, hold the fort for me, will you?”

  The cat meows to reassure me it heard me as it curls back up on the floor, and I leave it behind to go outside. Admiring the purity of the snow that has blessed the grungy streets of the city with its appearance, I head for the public library not too far down the street. Unlike the rest of the public libraries in the city, this one is slightly different; it contains a restricted room which is home to some of the most sacred books this country has to offer. Typically it is reserved for religious scholars and clergymen, but I think they can make an exception for a humble ghost.

  Crossing the street, I stop to observe a few children, running around happily, playing in the snow. Fond memories come flooding back; I was always a shy child, so I had only a few close friends, Victor included, but how we use to love playing in the fresh powered from the night before. Snowball fights and snowmen, those were the simple days, far removed from the life beyond the mortal one. All my friends are dead now, crossed over to the other side without a problem, only Victor and I remain. Shaking my head, I continue to walk down the narrow street, past the people walking lazily by, until I reach my destination.

  Walking along an imposing wrought iron fence, I notice a man sleeping on the bench, he reeks of death, most of the homeless drunks do, but this one is ripe, a week at best if I was to take a guess
. The last few days the smell of death has begun to bother me again, so I run through the gate to get as far away from him as possible. I don’t stop running until I am at the sturdy wood doors of the yellow three-story Greco-Roman building that is the public library. Letting myself in, I find my way up to a hidden stairwell and begin my ascent up to the third floor.

  The topmost floor of the library is sparse, a few shelves and desks are sprinkled about the vast empty floor plan. This portion is mostly reserved for offices and archives, the average person has little use for anything up here, so the place is almost deserted. Other than a few university students doing research, sprawled out on the large tables, I am all alone here. I spot the door for the restricted section of the library; a darkened hallway stands between me and the knowledge that’s hidden beyond the wooden portal. Stepping to move forward I get frozen in place by the sound of a disembodied grunt coming from deep within the gloom.

  Fixing my eyes in the direction from which the noise came I see a black mist is starting to take amorphic shape in the middle of the hall. Somewhere from within the dark mass, two Vermillion lanterns begin to glow, trained right at me. The anomaly lets out a demonic growl that fills the empty space between us, making my blood run cold from its savageness. Petrified this thing will shred me to bits I take a step back only to catch the heel of my shoe on the back of my skirt. Tumbling back to the carpeted floor below, I sit up and look at the misty shape slowly approaching me, like a tiger stalking its prey.

  A primordial fear surges through me, causing me to bolt up to my feet in preparation for running away, back in the direction of the apartment I came from. Almost surrendering to the impulse to run, I stop myself. I came here to see if I could help Victor, I can’t stop now, not when I am so close. With a deep breath, I turn back to face the encroaching predator getting ready to pounce. Clenching my fists, I dig my heels deep into the gray carpet, doing everything I can in my powers not to give in to the panic nipping at my heart.