Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  “Sarah will be over in a couple of minutes.” Maggie wasted no time in rushing me out the door once Sarah arrived.

  The drive to the closest mall seemed longer than usual, as Maggie babbled on and on about what she felt my new outfit should be. “Maybe something sexy.” Or “A cute little dress.” Or “Casual might be better.” I rolled my eyes at each of her suggestions. “You need new shoes too.”

  The local mall was relatively small, something I was grateful for at that moment. Maggie pulled me, unwillingly, into store after store, until settling on one that had some viable options. She made her way through rack after rack, tossing articles of clothing over my outstretched arms, allowing the pile to rise above my chin. I spent almost thirty minutes in the dressing room, trying on everything she had selected. When I was just about to walk out on this shopping misadventure, Maggie finally settled on an outfit.

  “That’s perfect.” I had been dressed in a dark purple, fitted, knee-length dress completed with nude colored sling backs. I had to agree with her; the outfit was cute. I took in my reflection, shocked by the girl staring back. I looked content, happy even, for the first time in well over a year. My dark blonde hair hung lifelessly over my shoulders. I pushed a strand out of my face. It was in desperate need of a professional cut and style.

  “Do you mind if we go to the salon now?” I played with the broken strands. “I think I should get it cut.”

  Maggie’s eyes grew wide with excitement. “Oh, Ally! I’ve never seen this side of you. Impulsive. I like it.” She couldn’t have been more accurate. I hadn’t been impulsive since arriving in Texas. I thought through absolutely everything, big or small. Maggie knew nothing of the girl who had become accustomed to buying every piece of clothing she desired; who had designer dresses hanging unworn in hotel closets. The girl who always had her hair colored and cut to perfection, was a stranger to Maggie. That side of me was a secret, one she could never know, one that would ruin the life I had built for Kenzie and myself. That girl disappeared the minute I climbed into the taxi outside of the hotel.

  I paid for the dress and shoes, adding a pair of small hoop earrings and a few bangles on my way to the counter. Maggie was eagerly making suggestions on hair styles during our walk to the salon.

  I watched in shock as my hair fell to the floor, while I sat in the burgundy chair. When the stylist finally dried my hair, I was impressed with the difference the cut had made. My hair now fell just below my chin, in soft layers.

  “You should have it lightened,” Maggie suggested as she played with my hair. “You would look great with blonder hair.”

  “I think I’ve made enough changes for one day. Don’t push it.”

  “I can’t wait for Luke to see you in that outfit on Saturday.” Maggie gushed, buckling her seatbelt. “He is going to be totally shocked. You’ll have to let me do your makeup Saturday.” She paused for a second, only long enough to turn the ignition. “This so awesome, that you are finally putting some effort into your appearance. I don’t want to lose this momentum. Weekly shopping trips, a complete wardrobe makeover. You need to start wearing things that are more flattering, you know show off your body a bit more.”

  “Hold on.” I pleaded, feeling an edge of panic in my voice. “This is one date. Can we please just see how it goes first?” Maggie must have sensed the severity of my plea because she dropped the subject and moved on to other topics.

  When I finally arrived home, I was glad to be alone again. Sarah had already put Kenzie to bed, so I checked on her quietly, kissing her forehead lightly, listening to her soft snoring. I stood in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror for what seemed liked hours, playing around with my hair, poking at my face and taking in my body. Could I do this? It didn’t seem possible. I wasn’t that person anymore. I was closer to a hermit, well a hermit in training.

  I grabbed my iPod off my dresser and pushed the earbuds into my ears, flipping through songs until I settled on my favorite Hazed song. As much as I tried to avoid their music, I caved almost every night, knowing that my habit was only widening the gaping hole in my heart. Regardless, his voice helped me fall asleep, providing a comfort I was missing in my life. I sang along to the lyrics until I drifted out of consciousness.

  Saturday rushed toward me with incredible speed. My lungs struggled to maintain a steady breathing pattern, ceasing to function normally, while mentally, I doubted my ability to make it through this single date. The date. Luke had spent much of Friday at my desk, complementing my new hair and discussing our plans for the following evening. Despite my reservations, I was excited that this was happening. I wanted to allow myself to enjoy the time spent with Luke.

  Maggie arrived at my apartment with a makeup bag in hand at four o’clock on Saturday. I had been lounging with Kenzie on the couch, taking in a cartoon before supper. Maggie’s entrance took me by surprise.

  “I have four hours!” I huffed, as she ignored my reaction and set her bag on the counter. “I really don’t think I need four hours worth of makeup.” I didn’t look that bad, did I?

  “I know, but we have a lot to do!” Maggie stated. Maggie always looked perfect, even while babysitting she looked incredible. She had dressed in a pair of short jeans shorts and a black single strapped top, with her hair pulled into a messy bun on the top of her head.

  I managed to put off my makeup application until six. My hair was straight; each section completed slowly, thoroughly. Maggie approached my makeup like an artist, using my face as her canvas. Kenzie watched intently, as I had been transformed from mommy to Luke’s date. I could only imagine the thoughts swarming her innocent mind, wondering why her mother was putting herself through this strange process.

  By seven-thirty I was ready to slip into my dress. I was careful while changing not to ruin anything, avoiding any makeup stains. My nervousness was rendering my mind useless, lowering my emotional barriers. I fought back the tears as I checked myself out in the mirror. Dating had never been so nerve wracking with Tim. I looked okay. The dress was cute, teetering on sexy, and Maggie had done a fantastic job with my makeup. Something was still missing though. I scanned my reflection, searching for the missing piece. Jewelry. I hadn’t worn jewelry in almost eighteen months. Everything I had owned had been gifts from Tim, and I had pawned them only days after landing in Texas. I grabbed the small hoops and with a bit of effort forced them through the holes in my ears. Much better. It was surprising how much two little pieces of metal could improve your look. I was still adjusting myself when I heard a knock on the door.

  “I’ll get it!” I heard Maggie call from the living room. I had already put Kenzie to sleep, so Maggie was just scanning through options on Netflix. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before leaving my bedroom, walking out into the living room to greet Luke.

  He looked amazing, standing tall in a pair of khakis and a dark blue dress shirt, covered with little white elephants. His blond hair was styled perfectly, not a strand out of place. His wide grin put me at ease. “You look incredible Ally.”

  “Thank you. You do too!” I blushed, grabbing my jean jacket on the way out the door. I glanced quickly toward Maggie who was beaming, her thumbs pointing up before her hands turned over to shoo me out the door.

  I followed Luke silently down to his car. Politely he opened the passenger’s side door. I climbed in, cautiously tugging down my dress as I slid into the seat. He walked swiftly over to the other side of the car and opened his door. I watched him as he turned the ignition and shifted the car into gear. I was speechless, despite not wanting to be. We needed something to break the ice. The drive to the restaurant was uncomfortably quiet, the awkwardness drowning out even the music playing on his stereo. I couldn’t help my constant shifting of positions in the leather seat, trying to reposition my confidence.

  Luke parked his car close to the restaurant. “We’re here.” The smile on his face appeared forced. He seemed as uncomfortable as I was. His movements were rehearsed, not as c
onfident as they were in the office. Being in another environment allowed me to see Luke differently, and it made sense that Luke was experiencing the same thing. We were not off to a great start.

  “Yes, we are,” I confirmed, looking directly at the building in front of us. If I were comfortable, I would have added a sarcastic comment, but given that I wasn’t, my mind frantically searched for words to help move this along. Luke opened the door for me and placed his hand on my lower back, leading me through. A chill ran up my spine, a chill filled with lingering guilt. I sucked in as much air as my lungs could hold, before releasing it quietly so he wouldn’t notice. The waitress showed us to a small table for two near the window. Luke pulled the chair out for me, again being a perfect gentleman. I braced for his touch, but it was unnecessary.

  Luke lowered himself into his chair. “Have you eaten here before?” His question was muted by the sound of him adjusting his seat.

  “No,” I replied, quietly. “I don’t eat out much, but it looks nice.” Things still felt forced between us. I would have to make it through this. I could make it through this. Luke was attractive, kind, friendly, and I had known him for almost a year. There was absolutely no reason for me to be nervous around him.

  “It is.” Luke focused on maintaining eye contact. “I think you should go out more often.” He added, with a wink and for the first time that evening my smile wasn’t forced.

  “I think that’s a great idea.” I studied his eyes, noticing a lighter shade of brown circling his irises. They were fascinating, different than any I had ever seen before. I pulled myself away from his eyes and picked up the menu. I had already googled the menu and had decided on my order, but it seemed appropriate to at least browse through the choices.

  “I’m glad we are doing this.” Luke looked down at his menu but left it untouched. “I have been working up the nerve to ask you out for quite awhile.” An awkward silence fell between us with his admission. I was unsure of how to respond.

  Thankfully, the waitress broke the silence. “Are you ready to order?” She pulled a pen down from above her ear. Both Luke and I nodded.

  “I’ll have the garden salad with chicken.” I requested, “With French dressing on the side, please. Oh, and could I have a Pepsi with lime?” I smiled up at her and handed her the folded menu. Luke followed my order with a beer, a steak, and a baked potato.

  After the waitress had left the table, Luke made sure the conversation flowed. “So how is Kenzie?” He fell back to the topic of conversation he knew would be successful. I could talk about my amazing daughter for hours on end.

  “She’s great. We had a busy day, played at the park for hours this morning.” I tapped my fingers gently on the table. “She loves the swings.” I replayed the precious moments from the morning, her gorgeous brown curls blown around by the wind and her happy giggles filling the air.

  “That’s awesome.” His eyes sparkled, “She’s lucky to have you, Ally.” He reached over to touch my fingers, effectively stopping the nervous tapping. My heart stopped with his touch.

  It didn’t beat again until the waitress returned with our drinks. I remained distracted by the weight of Luke’s hand on mine. A year and a half had been too long without a man’s touch. I was almost sad when he removed his hand from mine to pick up his glass of beer.

  I sipped on my lime-flavored Pepsi, alternating my gaze between the table and Luke. He was blushing just enough for me to notice, while quickly taking gulps of his beer. “So where did you live before you moved here?” Luke was casual, completely unaware of the boundaries he was crossing. I almost choked on my drink, my eyes bulging from their sockets.

  “Um, around I guess.” I wasn’t lying. “I grew up in Vermont.” Not a lie either. He didn’t seem to notice my omissions.

  “Well, that’s quite a move.” His lips pursed in curiosity. He glanced sideways, processing, thinking, before asking another question. “Why did you move here?”

  “I wanted a change.” I took another sip of my drink. Technically that wasn’t a lie. “When I found out I was pregnant I thought it was the best time to make a change.” A nervous giggle escaped. Could he tell I was dancing a full circle around the truth? Probably not. “I’m glad that I moved though. I don’t miss it.” That was most definitely a lie. I closed my eyes immediately, silently taking back my words.

  “I can’t say I’m not glad you moved here.” His hand slid back across the table to cover mine. “Are your parents back in Vermont?” He brushed his thumb over mine, almost as if to encourage information to leave my mouth.

  A tear formed, the salted liquid burning in the corner of my eye. I struggled to take in more air, a panic attack threatening to make an appearance. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. Deep breathing techniques were not working. I bit down on my bottom lip, hard enough to cause pain while I counted to three. “My parents are dead.” I felt removed from my body, the words sounding foreign and I hung my head slightly. I let my hair cover my face, enough to hide the fact that I was still biting my lip. The last thing I wanted to discuss with Luke or anyone for that matter was the topic of my parents. Tim was the only person who had ever heard the entire story, and it was going to stay that way. He would carry those truths to his grave because Tim understood the pain my parents’ lives and deaths had caused me. He knew the anxiety their deaths had caused. I would never ask another person to live through that with me. I had invested too much time in putting that behind me, focusing on the straight road ahead that was my future.

  “Oh…” The sympathy in his eyes was unwanted. “I’m so sorry, Ally. I had no idea.”

  “It’s alright; it was a long time ago.” My forced smile made its return. “Do your parents live here?” I ran my fingers over his forearm, attempting to distract and bring us back to where we were only moments before.

  Luke relaxed, seeming to appreciate moving on from his attempt at twenty questions. “Ya, they live about fifteen minutes from your place.” I played with the hem of my purple, cotton dress while Luke spoke, fidgeting to ease my nerves. He talked about his sisters, he had two, and they were both younger, Julie and Jennifer. He had one nephew, Zachery. His dog’s name was Top. I learned his sense of humor differed from mine, since he found the idea of Top Dog hilarious, while I hoped he would never be allowed to name children. Luke planned on going to Law School in a year, and he was interested in contract law, whatever that was. I strategically placed agreeing nods and intent eye movement as he worked his way through his monolog.

  It was safer to allow him to do the talking, at least for now. I wasn’t sure how much of my past I would ever be willing to let him know. Would he look at me differently if he knew how I had lived? I was sure any of my friends would change their opinion of me if they ever discovered the truth. Who could respect someone who found drugs more important than amounting to anything in life? Even I would have a tough time from the outside looking in.

  When our food arrived, I was glad. At that point, the date with Luke scored about a five out of ten, maybe a seven when we weren’t talking about my past. I picked at my salad, chewing only small bites. Maggie would have been disappointed if I didn’t put in the effort to turn things around, not to mention I would have to face Luke at work.

  “Would you like to go for a walk after dinner?” Luke must have read my mind. I nodded in agreement, continuing to prod at my food. Regardless of the outcome of the date, being there meant I was stepping forward, making progress in breaking down the walls I had built. Time heals all wounds, or so the saying goes. The only way I could ever grow to love and forgive myself, for all my mistakes, would be to continually fight through the uncomfortable while finding a piece of myself with every challenge. More than just the opportunity to grow, I missed being with someone.

  Luke rushed through the remainder of his meal, eager to leave the restaurant. He generously tipped the waitress and took my hand as we walked out of the building. We left his car parked in its space and made our way down
toward the street.

  Our fingers remained entwined as we wandered along the road. Our conversation based on broad, easy topics that were pointless and safe. Luke was careful to steer the conversation in a direction that would avoid my past, and I was careful not to open any doors. The only personal aspect of our conversation was Kenzie. When we finally turned to walk back to the restaurant, he slipped his hand out of mine and slid his arm around my waist. My feet, which had been aching from the heels, were grateful for the ability to lean on him to relieve some pressure. My heart, however, was riddled with guilt. An unwelcome sting of pain moved through my spine, down my arms, my legs, everywhere except my aching feet. His touch felt wrong, unnatural and the urge to pull away was strong.

  I forced myself to ignore the feeling, knowing how important it would be for me to become accustomed to another man’s touch. I would fight through it, convincing myself that someday I would eventually become used to the contact, maybe even crave it. The touch I was used to, Tim’s touch, I would never feel again. It may be unbearable to think that, but it was my reality, and I had to suck it up.

  Luke didn’t seem to notice my brief absence from reality, his hand gently squeezing my side. I couldn’t contain my sigh, as I submitted to his touch. “You okay?” he stopped, mid stride, glancing down at me. I nodded my head. The look in his eyes was undeniable, even to a woman who hadn’t been kissed in over in over eighteen months. I knew if I didn’t move soon, his lips would find mine.

  I resumed walking before he did, my body leaving the warmth of his arm. “I’m fine, although I miss Kenzie.” He closed the gap, retaking my hand.

  “Well, we will just have to get you home then.” Luke didn’t seem angry or upset, excepting my excuse without question. We quickly covered the distance to his car in a matter of minutes. He continued to be respectful as he covered the miles to my apartment, wasting little time on the drive.

  Luke walked me to the door, taking both of my hands in his just before we reached my apartment, forcing me to face him. “I would really like to go out again. Maybe next week some time, if you’re free. We could go rollerblading or something.”