Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  “He is.” I agreed. “He’s perfect.” My voice was so low that I knew she wouldn’t be able to hear me. I stood still, listening to the music over power the screams. I was breathless. He was better than I remembered. His voice was exotically pure. The group let their music own the stage, not pausing to speak for several songs. Introductions were unnecessary, everyone around us shouted the lyrics. The only thing those fans didn’t know was the emotion behind the songs. They were unaware of where the songs had been written, what struggles, girls, or life experiences inspired their performance. I did. Every song they had played so far, I had experienced with them. Tim moved to the front of the stage looking into the audience, silencing the building. He raised the microphone to his mouth and began to speak.

  “How’s everyone doing?” His voice carried, his southern accent breaking through, sharply. Instinctively I covered my ears in anticipation, waiting for the deafening wave of responses. “We are going to try something new tonight. I hope yawl like it.” He smiled widely, revealing his perfectly white teeth. His black T-shirt clung to his body, hinting at a much more muscular build than I remembered. He continued. “She means a lot to me.” Tim closed his eyes briefly, only long enough for me to pick up on a hint of emotion.

  I sucked in a pained breath. She? He had moved on; logically, that made sense. It had been more than a year and a half; he deserved to have someone in his life. How could I blame him for moving on? I was the one that left, and I was moving on too. My rational thoughts did nothing to prevent the sudden overwhelming nausea that coursed through my body. My heart was breaking. I could feel it, ripping into pieces, burning in my blood. Each pump of my heart increased the pain. I gripped at my chest, dropping my head. I couldn’t bear to look at him.

  “Without you!” He shouted and grabbed a guitar from his bandmate, Ian. He strummed the first few chords.

  How am I supposed to live through the day?

  Now that you have gone away?

  I haven’t slept a night since you left.

  Clinging to your words, wondering what’s next.

  All that remains of us is a note.

  I still don’t know what that’s all about.

  Can’t you come back? Can’t you tell me why?

  I can’t keep living this lie.

  My world is crashing without you.

  My life is meaningless without you.

  My words are empty without you.

  And all I have is the words I love you.

  My nights are cold without you.

  My heart stops beating without you.

  My soul is missing without you.

  You need to know; Ally I love you.

  My chest tightened to the point where I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t take it. The song was about me; it had to be. My eyes filled with tears and the last of my emotional wall collapsed dramatically. I leaped from my seat and took off, barely conscious of my movements. I ran up the metal stairs. I was running as fast as my legs would let me. I needed to find a bathroom. I needed to lock myself in a stall and cry this all out.

  The tears had blinded me, making it difficult to see where I was going. Maggie’s frantic voice was calling after me. My legs were buckling underneath the weight of my body as I pressed on. My body was giving up. The floor seemed like a good place to crawl up and die.

  A warm hand grabbed my upper arm. “Let go of me,” I shouted, panicked. “I’m okay; I just need to…” I was hyperventilating. The hand turned my body around to face the stranger. Tim was holding tightly to my arm, his eyes watering.

  “Ally?” Caught up in my breakdown, I hadn’t even noticed that the music had stopped. The silence took over the stadium. How had he gotten up here? How had he seen me? “Ally.” He confirmed, pulling me hard into his chest. The embrace was short lived, his movements were awkward and unfamiliar.

  “Ally!” Maggie called breathless, catching up to me. She stared wide eyes at Tim. “Wha…”

  “Come on; we need to get backstage.” Tim’s hand found mine, pulling me toward the back of the stadium. Maggie grabbed my other hand, following speechlessly. Tim led us down a set of stairs and past two uniformed security guards, their eyes full of suspicion as we passed. He stopped when we were behind the stage, standing uncomfortably beside me.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Maggie demanded, staring equally at Tim and me, looking for answers.

  “I…” I started. I was lost for words, overwhelmed with being so close to Tim.

  “Where have you been?” Tim asked, his eyes locking onto mine. “You scared the hell out of me!”

  The overwhelming need to answer both at the same time was confusing. I couldn’t string together a sentence, but I attempted. “I…” The tears started pouring, streaming down my face as I gasped for air. Neither of them moved, both waiting for their explanation.

  “I’ve been in Texas,” I answered Tim first, lowering my chin to my chest. He towered over me.

  “What is going on?” Maggie persisted. Her face twisted in confusion. “How do you know him?”

  Tim answered for me. “How doesn’t she know me? God, she was my best friend.” He ran a hand through his short hair. “She was my life.”

  “I’m still not following.” Maggie crossed her arms, not a stance she took often.

  I finally lifted my head and looked at Maggie. “We were together before I moved to Texas.”

  “Tim?” A female voice beckoned angrily. “What the hell just happened?” The blonde approached in a quick strut, as she swung her hair out of her face, ignoring Maggie and me completely. My killer outfit felt like a velour sweat suit compared to the new comer. The blonde’s legs were perfect, their length highlighted by her short jean skirt.

  “I…” It was Tim’s turn to stutter, taken off guard. “I saw an old friend.” His cheeks reddened. “I couldn’t let her leave without saying hello.” The words sounded unbelievable to me, but maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part. Honestly though, why would he jump off the stage in the middle of a concert just to say hello? It didn’t make sense.

  The blonde looped an arm through Tim’s. “I’m Allison.” She outreached the opposite arm, offering her hand to me.

  “I’m Al…” I started. Tim cut me off abruptly.

  “This is Lysey.” He had never called me that before. Ever. The reality of the situation hit me like a transport truck. Allison, Ally, the song had nothing to do with me. It was about her. He was with her. Of course, she was beautiful, she was perfect, and she was everything he deserved.

  “Hi.” I didn’t question his introduction. It was pointless. “It’s nice to meet you.” I lied. Part of me wished she were the one hit by the truck. He was mine, in my mind anyway.

  “You need to get back out on the stage.” Allison turned her back to Maggie and me. “Your fans will be disappointed.”

  Tim nodded obediently. He wasn’t the same Tim I knew and loved. My Tim would never have been so subservient.

  “Can you give us a minute?” He asked, releasing his arm from hers. “I will just be a minute.” She reluctantly agreed and slowly walked away.

  “Lysey?” I questioned, slanting my eyes in accusation.

  “Can we talk after the concert?” Tim ignored my attitude. “I need to talk to you.” His hand nervously found its way through his hair again.

  “I guess.” My heart wasn’t really into hearing about how happy he now was, but I owed him explanations, and if he wanted them, I would give them. He deserved that at the very least.

  “Stay here until the concert ends.” His eyes pleaded. I couldn’t have said no even if I wanted to. Not to those eyes.

  “I will.” The words squeaked out. “I promise.” I extended my pinky out of habit. He linked his with mine. Before I could think of another word to say, he was gone.

  “You have some major explaining to do,” Maggie stated, angrily. “I have never demanded you tell me anything before, but now, you have to.” Her face was red, her eyes dark a
nd serious.

  “I know.” I agreed, hanging my head once again. “I have a lot of explaining to do.” Tears resurfaced, following the same trails down my face.

  “Okay, so start.” Maggie grabbed my hand and led me to a few chairs lined against the wall. “You used to date Tim Lawson?” The surprise in her eyes was apparent.

  I nodded. “I don’t even know how I am going to tell him.” I bawled. My hands were trembling. “He’s going to hate me.”

  “I don’t think he hates you.” Maggie squeezed my hand.

  “He doesn’t know about Kenzie.” I blurted, my mouth felt dry. My past was catching up to me with rapid speed.

  “Well of course not, you had her while you were here….” Maggie trailed off. “But you were already pregnant.” She answered her internal question, connecting the dots. I nodded. “Tim is Kenzie’s father?”

  “Yes.” The trembling continued. “I left when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t drop that on him.” My sobbing was completely uncontrollable, racking through my entire body.

  Maggie wrapped her arms around my shaking body. “Aw, Al.” She let the music fill the space around us, giving me time to calm down and return to some state of normalcy.

  Once my body stopped convulsing, I leaned away from her hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I should have.”

  “It’s okay.” She shrugged. “I knew something was up. I just didn’t expect it to be this. You have been sort of out of it lately.” She brought her voice down to a whisper, even though we were tucked away in a back corner. “Is this why you won’t sleep with Luke?”

  “Oh God, Luke.” I cried. Luke was completely involved in Kenzie’s life. How could I ever justify that to Tim? I couldn’t. No amount of words could ever change the decisions I had made. There would never be an explanation for the reason Luke was in Tim’s daughter’s life, while he didn’t even know she existed.

  Time dragged on as we sat silently and waited for the end of the concert. Things were much quieter back stage. I could see the blonde, Allison, peering onto the stage from the bottom of the stairs. Thank god Maggie and I were tucked away, out of earshot from the members of the crew and Allison. The last thing I needed was for her to find out about Kenzie before Tim.

  Ian and Justin were the first ones down the stairs, their clothes dripping with sweat. Ian, the oldest, wasted no time in stripping the dark gray shirt from his body, revealing his toned upper body. I heard Maggie catch her breath, as a runner delivered another gray shirt to Ian, which he slipped on simultaneously. Tim took the steps two at a time, finding his balance at the bottom. His new girlfriend, well maybe not that new but newer than me was waiting for him.

  My heart skipped a beat when he continued past her, completely ignoring her company. He was making his way toward us, Bambi on his tale. My jealousy had renamed her. Stupid green monster.

  “Hey.” His eyes brightened, his voice was hoarse. “How did you like the show?” He finally acknowledged Bambi’s existence, allowing her to peck his cheek lightly. His gaze dropped to the floor, hiding his eyes from my view.

  “You girls should come to the after party.” Allison’s bright red lips suggested. “They are incredible. I rarely go, but when I’m around, I love going.”

  She didn’t need to tell me; I knew exactly how they were. I had never missed a single one when Tim and I were together. Tonight though, it wouldn’t be the brightest of ideas. I wasn’t going to have a good time while watching Tim with Bambi. My heart had already broken, I didn’t need to burn all the pieces.

  “Sure,” Maggie replied, nudging my arm. “We would love to.” Apparently, she had different plans. Tim’s eyes met mine nervously.

  I wasn’t entirely certain of what he was trying to convey, but I could take an educated guess. He wanted me to come, he wanted me near him, but he wanted me to keep my mouth shut.

  “So, let’s go then.” Allison’s voice was unnaturally excited. Part of me expected that she knew about our history and was planning to throw everything in my face, but that part was being irrational. Her actions proved she knew nothing about me. I was an old friend to her, and that was that.

  I followed behind her, my head bent slightly, paying more attention to my feet than to my surroundings. Tim was a few steps behind Bambi and a few steps in front of me. His hands were deep in his jeans, his feet dragging along the floor as he walked.

  The darkness of the local club was welcoming; the loud music drowned out my thoughts. It would be easy to avoid Tim and Bambi here. If Tim wanted to talk this would not be the place to do it. Despite my reluctance, Maggie loved the outcome. Her eyes were wide with wonder. The boys had been instantly applauded as they entered the club, hordes of girls screaming, reaching, pleading.

  “Let’s go dance.” I signaled to Maggie, making my way toward the dance floor, putting distance between myself and Tim. His bandmates had remained silent, barely acknowledging my presence. I wasn’t sure if they were angry with me, or if they were protecting Tim, either way, I didn’t like it. We used to be close.

  It didn’t take me long to find my rhythm, after all, I had danced to this music for over eight months straight. Maggie struggled to keep up, her eyes saucers, taking in the atmosphere. This evening was turning out to be way more than she ever anticipated.

  “Al?” Ian’s silence broke as he made his way to my side, keeping with the music. “Tim wants you to meet him in the kitchen.” Oh, Ian had become the messenger, no doubt to keep this visit a secret from Tim’s girlfriend. I scanned the club, searching for Bambi’s blonde hair. She was standing near the bar, chatting with a few girls.

  “I’ll be right back.” I sighed, whispering into Maggie’s ear. “Ian will stay with you.” And he would. Ian was an incredible friend when it came to Tim. He would cross the Earth if it meant life would be easier for Tim.

  I pushed my way through the dance crowd, slipping down the hall and into the kitchen. It was easy to find. There weren’t many hallways in the club, and Ian’s quick glance in this direction provided me with some idea of where to go. The warm air hit my face the second I swung open the door. The kitchen smelled of burnt french fries and steak sauce. Tim was just inside the door, standing solidly against the grease stained, white tile wall.

  “Sorry.” His tone was apologetic. “I wanted to talk to you alone.” I nodded. I understood, considering I felt the same way. “You scared me.” Emotion laced through his words.

  “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t have this conversation here, not with the kitchen staff only feet away. It just didn’t feel right.

  “Can we go somewhere else?” Tim pleaded, his eyes narrowing on mine. He stepped closer, close enough that I could feel the warmth of his body.

  “Maggie and I are staying at a hotel,” I suggested, unsure of why I was encouraging this. We should not be alone together, but alone is what we needed. We needed privacy for multiple reasons, but the only practical one was my daughter. Our daughter.

  “That will work.” He pulled out his cell phone and quickly typed a message. “I’m just letting Ian know so he can stay with your friend.” His explanation answered my curiosity. “He’ll bring her back when she’s ready to leave.”

  “What about Bam… Allison?” My jaw tightened. His eyes stayed trained on mine, allowing me to read the pain in them. I wasn’t sure what the pain represented, but it hurt regardless.

  “She’ll be fine. She won’t even notice that I’m gone.” He seemed uncomfortably confident. Who wouldn’t notice that he was gone? I would have, instantly. I recognized it every single day of my life.

  Tim drove us to the hotel in a dark colored SUV with tinted windows. Sneaking out the back door of the kitchen was a well thought out plan. No one noticed. I organized my thoughts the entire drive, attempting to script my monolog. I would have to tell him about Kenzie. At that point, it would be selfish for me to keep her a secret. He deserved to know. It had never even crossed my mind before that this day would come and I would
have to tell him about her.

  We were both silent during the elevator ride up to the hotel room. I played out the possible outcomes of the impending conversation, and every ending was the same; Tim was furious. He had every right to hate me, and I had to prepare myself to deal with that. I expected the hatred. I felt disconnected from my body as I slid the key card and pushed open the heavy door.

  I debated kicking my boots off but decided against it. It wasn’t going to be a comfortable conversation; it was going to be serious. Tim didn’t contemplate; he slid his shoes off effortlessly. If I didn’t know him as well as I did, I wouldn’t have thought he was nervous at all.

  “Why did you leave?” His question broke the silence before I even had a chance to sit down. I ignored the question long enough to sit down on the bed. I had to push Maggie’s clothing out of the way.

  I bit my lip and blinked quickly, trying to stop the tears before they fell. I needed to keep it together. “Tim, I didn’t feel like I had a choice.” The admission felt heavy and wrong, but it was the truth. Leaving was the only option that I could handle at the time.

  “What do you mean?” His eyebrows drew together in confusion. “What the hell did I do?”

  “Nothing. You didn’t do anything.” I assured him quickly, trying to avoid unnecessary hurt. There would be enough pain tonight. “At the time, I didn’t think everything through. I panicked and didn’t know what else to do. But you… you didn’t do anything.” I was losing the battle with my emotions, as tears puddled in the corners of my eyes. I bit my lip again, this time harder trying to focus on the physical pain instead of the emotional. “I promise Tim; you didn’t do anything.”