by Harms, C. A.
After what felt like a lifetime, he slowly began to walk toward me. I stood, smoothing my skirt and adjusting my shirt nervously. I was afraid to look at him. The coldness in his features made my heart ache. I felt so nervous, worried about how this whole thing was going to turn out.
Once we were close enough that I could hear him breathing, I looked up at him. Our eyes locked, but the warm feelings I received from them every time before now, were no longer there. Chills ran through me and I swallowed hard.
“Randi said that you needed to speak with me.” So that was Ice Queen’s name. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and just responded with a nod. Evan shrugged his shoulders, “I can’t think of a thing that’s left to say, you’re married Kylie. Why aren’t you with your husband?”
I hated the formalness he was expressing. “Is there somewhere more private that we can talk? I have to explain everything. It isn’t what you think, Evan…please.”
He looked over his shoulder then back to me, “Not what I think…so you’re not married?” I reached up and placed my hand on his, but he stepped back from me and I felt like I had just been slapped.
“I am married Evan, but we have not--”
He interrupted me, “Then there really is nothing left to say Kylie. We’re done here…Good Bye.”
I was left in the lobby with tears falling heavily down my face. I watched Evan’s back until he stepped into the elevator; he didn’t even turn to look back at me. I felt horrible for not telling him sooner, I hated how he found out. I missed Evan and I had no idea how to get him to listen. I walked from the lobby and slowly made my way to my car. Once I closed the door behind me I leaned onto the steering wheel and cried. He moved on and that was hard to swallow.
I went back to my home after picking up Emma from Daycare. I realized watching Evan walk away from me was so much harder than I imagined it could be. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and then stomped on. I knew then that I had stopped loving Brad a long time ago, and the chance of us ever working our marriage out wasn’t possible. I knew I wanted a divorce, and now I just had to get him to agree.
It appeared I had only one choice left, I would have to admit to my parents that they were right. I no longer wanted to continue my life the way it was. I didn’t want to strip forever. I didn’t want Emma to be exposed to any part of that life. Maybe I could move back home, and start over with Emma. Maybe I could go back to school and find a better job.
~Thirteen~
(Kylie)
My heart broke as I thought of Evan and the coldness he carried toward me. I felt raw from our ending before we our relationship even truly began. I pushed myself to move forward as I always did regardless of what I felt like inside; I had no choice. Brad had taken my choice to care the day he left. I had to put my troubles aside…I had to come last.
I arranged for Katie to watch Emma, while I met Brad at the park down the road. I needed to talk to him, and I didn’t want Emma to see him yet. The crazy thing was all this time he had been coming over to the apartment trying to talk to me; he had yet to ask if he could spend time with his daughter. He had not seen her in almost a year and a half. I was wondering how important she was in his plan to win me back. She wouldn’t realize who he was; she was too little when he left.
I pulled into the parking lot and took deep calming breathes before I walked up the path between the trees. I saw Brad sitting on the bench just passed the sprawling bushes. Once he saw me he stood and walked to meet me. I took the opportunity to really look at him, as he got closer. He seemed like he had aged ten years over the last seventeen months. The muscle tone he once held was deteriorating, and his eyes that once held a glow were now tired and weak. Brad was six feet tall and was always broad and thick. It appeared he had lost weight and the changes were now so evident.
“Hi Sexy,” He nudged me with his shoulder. I lightly smiled up at him, and continued to the bench as he followed. Once he sat down next to me, I could tell he thought this was more than it was. He placed his arm over my shoulders and pulled me closer, “I’ve missed you so much Kylie. How can I make this right? Please, tell me what I need to do. You loved me once. Tell me what I have to do to make you love me again.” As the tears ran down my cheeks I knew I had to say what I was feeling.
“I need you to listen to me…all of it, please.” After Brad agreed I continued, “I think we were too young. We got married because we thought we had to. Emma was a shock and we were alone, it just seemed like getting married was what we should do. I don’t regret our time together Brad, because before you left you were my life. I adored you, and I really would have done anything for you. Things changed for me though when I was forced to grow up. I only had myself to rely on, and I‘ve spent the last seventeen months building a life for Emma and myself. I’ve had to resort to working at “Club Red” dancing for money, and yes I hate it. I despised every moment of it, but it has provided for Emma, and that is all that mattered to me. I will always love you Brad, but I am not in love with you.” I took a deep breath, “I think that is why you left. Deep down you weren’t ready to grown up. I don’t blame you. I just need you to know that you and I are no longer a ‘you and I’. I’m sorry, but I have to be honest.”
I never faced him, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the look on his face. I could hear it is his voice. I heard him take a deep breath, “You’re wrong Kylie. I didn’t leave because I wasn’t ready to grown up. I left because I got wrapped up in some pretty heavy shit. I was hanging with the wrong people, doing all the wrong things. I saw what it was doing to you, so I left. I was turning into someone else and I saw how that scared you. I started scaring myself, I had no control. I spent the next year so fucking high every day I didn’t realize where I was half the time. I woke up in places I had never been, next to people I didn’t know. I did a lot of messed up shit Ky, shit I can never erase. I’ve been clean for four months now, and all I’ve thought about for the entire four months, is what I threw away. You and Emma were my future, and I gave it up for drugs. I hurt the people I loved the most for nothing. I love you Kylie…I always have loved you. From the moment I met you I knew I wanted you,” his lower lip was trembling. I tried to hold back mine, but I could no longer fight the tears. “I can’t stand the thought of you being with another man Ky. I can’t take it. You deserve to be happy, but…I’m sorry, I can’t let you go.” He just admitted to being unfaithful and leaving me for drugs. He was being selfish, which hurt. I just wanted him to understand what I felt. We just needed to move on from this, but separately.
I stood up and he reached for my hand. Before I had time to think he smashed his lips to mine. I pushed against his chest, but he just held me tighter to him, continuing to kiss me. I stopped fighting him and allowed the kiss to continue. I tried to feel something. I tried to imagine how I used to feel when he kissed me. I tried to remember how I felt being in his arms. The only picture I found in my mind was Evan. The feeling of Brad’s lips with mine had no comparison to what I felt with Evan.
The moment I felt Brad grip my hips and pull me against him tightly, I felt his arousal. I knew what he was expecting, and I had to stop this. I push back from him, “We can’t do this Brad.”
He watched my eyes, “What do you mean we can’t do this Kylie? We have done this a million times. We’re married Ky and this is what married people do. They kiss, they feel.” He stepped closer to me, “They make love to each other. I want to feel you again Kylie. I need to feel you again.”
I had to get my head clear. I took another step back from him, to get some distance. “Brad married people do all those things, in a happy marriage. I wouldn’t call what we have had a marriage. Brad you have a daughter that doesn’t even know you. You’ve been gone for the majority of her life. Focus on Emma, not us. I don’t think what we had is fixable.”
I turned and walked back toward the apartment. I could hear Brad running behind me “Kylie, I’m not giving up on fixing our marriage. I’m not g
onna step aside so that rich bastard can climb in bed with you. That’s what this is about isn’t it? That guy, he’s why you’re pushing me away.”
I spun around, “The reason I’m pushing you away is because you hurt me Brad. You deserted me and your daughter. You came back here expecting me to be waiting for you. I stopped waiting a long time ago. After all the nights of dreaming you would show up, I finally gave up. I gave up on us Brad, and now you need to as well.” I left him standing in the park alone. Brad needed to accept that our time together ended the day he chose drugs over me.
~Fourteen~
(Evan)
“Evan, Alexis is on line two,” I heard Draya announced from the speaker on my desk.
Letting out a frustrated huff I punched the button on my phone, “Tell her I’ll call her back. I have a few calls to make.”
I let my head fall back against my chair and closed my eyes. It had been a week since I walked away from Kylie, leaving her standing in the lobby downstairs. Alexis has been relentless. I continued to make the same mistake over and over with her. Once again, I let my parents dictate the path in my life; my heart wasn’t in it though. Alexis is not Kylie, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself to move on from this I couldn’t.
Married…she’s married. Why in the hell was she with me then? Where had this so called husband been this whole time? She never lied to me; she just left out a very important detail…married. I ran my fingers through my hair resting my hands behind my head. I caught myself fighting the urge to call her, text her…make contact with her.
I picked my phone up from the desk and slid my finger across the screen. Those smiles that have given me a warm feeling every time I looked at my phone, stared back at me. I still had not found the courage to remove the beautiful girls from my screen. For a moment I actually thought I found happiness. I let myself believe that I could have that life. It was within my grasp, a life where at the end of the day I had someone waiting for me. I slammed my phone down on the desk and shoved my chair back, standing up quickly.
I needed to get out of this office. I needed a drink, something to get Kylie’s beautiful smile out of my mind. Swinging my office door open I found myself face to face with my mother. “Evan, where are you rushing off to? I was about to knock.” She reached out to me, placing her hands on my forearms, and a kiss on my cheek.
I wasn’t in the mood for her right now but I attempted to force a smile. “I was going to head out for some lunch. What are you doing here?”
I looked over her shoulder to find Alexis approaching. Our eyes connected and a smile spread across her face. My mother turned to see what I was looking at and when she turned back I knew where this was heading. I walked right into this mess. “Join us darling. Alex and I were heading out for a bite ourselves. This is perfect timing.” By this time Alexis had reached us and my mother placed a kiss onto her cheek and a light hug was exchanged between them.
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this situation. “Let me grab my jacket mother…one moment.” I fought the desire to run like crazy toward the elevators and leave them behind. I was about to spend the next hour of my life listening to my mother plan my life out with the treasured Alexis. In her eyes we were made for one another and no one else compared; if she only knew how wrong she was.
We went to a small Italian restaurant a few blocks from my office. I was quiet and honestly tuned them out as they exchanged pleasantries the entire ride. Once we were led to our table, my mother insisted I sit next to Alexis. I knew they meant well but I just wasn’t on the same page. I felt like drowning out my sorrows and I could not do that in my mother’s presence. I pushed through the lunch forcing a smile when I found it was necessary to please my mother.
I decided to not return to the office after I paid for lunch. I explained that I had a business meeting when I really just wanted to get away from them. We exchanged quick goodbyes and when Alexis placed a kiss onto my cheek my mother beamed. I tried to smile in return so she would not feel the need to be concerned. Alexis leaned forward and whispered before pulling away. “I’ll stop by later tonight.” Before I could respond she turned and walked away with my mother.
I hit the bottle hard the moment I walked into my Condo. Bourbon went down smooth and fast. Six and half hours later I was lit. I found myself looking once again into the eyes of that beautiful girl that squeezed her way into my heart in such a short amount of time. The one girl that had me imaging a future of happiness.
I was startled by my door bell. Looking over at the clock, I wondered who could be at my door; it was almost seven thirty. I sat my phone down and walked to open the door. I clumsily unlocked the deadbolt and pulled the door open and found Alexis standing on the porch staring back at me. She smiled her devilish smile as she pulled on the belt tied at her waist holding her coat closed.
Once it gave way, it fell open exposing the red lace bra and panties she wore beneath her coat. I found myself tracing her body with my eyes before looking into her face. I was so drunk at this point that I was almost seeing two of her. She stepped forward placing her hands onto my bare chest and running her fingers down over my stomach. “Are you happy to see me?” Her hand had made its way lower as she stroked me through my pants. She looked down and smiled, “Someone’s happy I’m here.” She licked her lower lip and I closed my eyes letting my head fall back.
What the fuck…why not. I needed some distraction. This would have to do for now. I grabbed Alexis’s waist and pulled her in closing the door behind her. I took her hand into mine and led her to the bedroom. I left the light off as I lightly pushed her back onto the bed. I brought myself over her and for the next hour I let myself imagine that I wasn’t empty without Kylie and Emma.
~Fifteen~
(Kylie)
Three weeks had passes since I saw Brad in the park. I felt horrible leaving him standing there but he expected more than I could give. I would always love Brad and I knew that. He was my first love and the father of my little girl, but he destroyed the relationship we had once shared. It hadn’t been perfect but it was ours and he threw it away; he threw us away for a cheap high.
My doorbell rang pulling me from my thoughts. I opened the door to a man with a tie, holding a large envelope. After I signed the paper for delivery he walked away. Laying the envelope down on the counter I slowly opened it. My heart raced when I found the contents were from Brad, divorce papers, I felt a little saddened even though it was want I needed. The fact that I now held proof our marriage was over made everything real, and it hit harder than I thought it would.
Over a month ago Evan walked away from me without letting me explain, and now I have the papers I need to sign to end my marriage. At that moment I felt all alone. I was instantly glad I took Emma to daycare already. I walked down the hall and crawled into my bed, under the covers. I allowed myself to cry until I had no tears left. I was destined to be alone and miserable, I was convinced of that.
I ran into work fifteen minutes late. I debated calling in sick, but I knew I needed the money. As I floated through my shift, I tried to force myself to smile at my customers, but my attempt was completely fake and empty. My mind continuously wandered back to my conversation with my mother last night. After ten minutes of “I tried telling you when you decided to get married that it was going to end in disaster”, I decided to forget the idea of returning home knowing that would be torturous situation. I felt like a complete failure in every aspect of my life.
I hated Fridays because not only did I work in the cafe, I had to go to the club at night. The last thing I wanted to do was dance as I pretended to enjoy it.
I spent the afternoon in the park with Emma. She giggled as I pushed her in the swings, and screamed with excitement as she slid down the big slide. She was the only person in my life who could make me smile. Smiling these days had become an extreme challenge and I needed help remembering how to smile.
Katie arrived and I quickly kissed Emma goodbye. When I finally arriv
ed at “Club Red” Sarah was finishing her number on stage. She flopped down in the chair next to me, “Okay girl…what’s up, you look like hell.”
I scrunched up my nose, “Gee thanks you really know how to make a girl feel good. Why don’t you just tell me my ass looks huge and I have shitty hair while you’re at it?” I knew she really meant no harm by her comment but lately I was an emotional mess.
“You still haven’t heard from Evan have you?” I had finally broken down last weekend. I told her everything that happened between Evan and me. I shook my head, trying to avoid the tears that were on the verge of falling. “It’s his lost sweetie, because you’re one of the good ones. If he walked away so easily, then he wasn’t worth your time.” If only I could just forget about him; I’ve tried but he consumes my thoughts daily and my dreams nightly.
“Thanks Sarah…I’ll be fine. I just need to push forward. It’s what I do, keep going no matter what happens. I have no other choice. Really I’ll be fine,” I squeezed her outstretched hand, releasing it when I heard Rex making my introduction. It was time to put on my mask, in more ways than one. The music started and I glided along the pole in the center of the stage. I danced as I have every Friday and Saturday since the night I met Evan; I pretended to dance for him. I imagined him sitting at the table in the back near the bar and I let the music fill my mind. I imagined his blue eyes watching my every move, and the sexy grin spreading across his lips as he enjoyed my body. This helped me get through my act quickly. As soon as I finished my number the same feeling always came over me, emptiness, because I knew he wasn’t there.
