Everything She Ever Wanted: A Different Kind of Love Novel

by Liz Durano

  My call immediately goes into voicemail which tells me her phone is turned off. I listen to Harlow’s voice instructing me to leave a message.

  “Please leave a message after the tone and I’ll return your call as soon as I can.” Cold and impersonal, just like its speaker.

  “Harlow, I just read your note—“

  Outside the bedroom, the front door slams shut. “Harlow, you here, baby?”

  Great. Now, who the fuck is that?

  I’m so angry that I can barely see straight—or continue speaking—and if I force myself to say something right now, I know I’ll regret it. I fold up her note and hang up the phone, slipping it back into my jeans pocket as I step out of the bedroom.

  A man of medium height stands in the middle of the living room looking around, his expression bordering between amused and perplexed. When he removes his sunglasses, squinting as he looks at me, I see that he has light blue eyes. His blonde hair bear traces of gray that give him an authoritarian look. His jaw reveals day-old stubble, and he wears a blue button-down shirt under a light jacket and tan slacks, revealing a lean body that tells me he takes care of himself. I’m terrible with people’s ages, but he seems to be in his late forties or early fifties, and right now, he looks like he’s lost.

  “Can I help you?”

  “I’m looking for Dr. Harlow James.”

  I feel my jaw clench. If this is another lawyer her husband sent over to have her sign those damn documents, then he’s about to get chased out of here. “Was she expecting you?”

  “Probably not. I’m not even supposed to be here.” The man takes a deep breath and exhales. “But what can you do when you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life, and you have to do everything in your power to get back the one woman you love?”

  I stare at him in disbelief. Jeff-Fucking-Gardner? No way! I fight back the anger roiling inside me and count to ten. Keep your cool, man. Whatever you fucking do, keep your cool. “I’m Dax, and I own the place.” I hold out my hand, and he shakes it, his eyes narrowing.

  “Do you know where I can find her? I was told she’s renting this place.”

  “She left this morning. I’m here to get the keys she left behind and wait for the cleaning people,” I lie as Jeff pulls out a handkerchief from his pants pocket and wipes his hands as if he’d just touched cooties.

  “I’m Dr. Jeff Gardner, Harlow’s husband. Do you know where she went?”

  I shake my head. “I’m afraid not.”

  As if Jeff doesn’t hear me, he continues, slipping his hands into his pants pockets as he gazes at the view outside the windows. “Sorry if I’m rambling but I’ve just spent the last few hours sitting on a plane and then driving up here from Santa Fe only to get lost. I didn’t realize just how off-grid this place is. So not like her to stay so far away from the city, you know. Coffee, the gym, that sort of thing. She couldn’t be without any of those nearby.”

  “She didn’t seem to mind renting this place.”

  Jeff turns to face me. “She must have needed time to think. And it’s all my fault. I drove her away.” He pauses and shakes his head. “After we lost our son, everything just fell apart. All we wanted was to have kids, you know?”

  No, I don’t want to know so stop talking to me, I almost yell at him, but I stay silent, keeping my clenched fists along my side. Count to twenty, Dax. Whatever you do, don’t lose it. Hell, count backward. “I’m sorry, man.”

  “I should have been there for her, but I wasn’t. And now I realize what an asshole I’ve been when I should have been there for her.” Jeff takes a step towards me. Why he’s telling me all this when he doesn’t know who I am… or does he? “Man to man, I’m sure you get what I’m trying to say, right? I need to tell her that I love her. She needs to know that she’s the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. She’s the only woman who understands me, my motivations, my ambitions. She’s the only one who knows the real me, just like I’m the only one who knows the real her. We shared so much through the years, you see. But I—”

  “Cheated on her?” The words come out before I can stop them, and I almost curse under my breath at my stupidity. But Jeff only pauses, nodding his head slowly in reply.

  “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. And it’s the biggest mistake of my life. Now I’m going to do anything to get her back. Anything.”

  I almost remind him that they’re in the middle of a divorce, but what’s the point? He knows that already. Instead, I focus on pretending I don’t care, pulling out my phone to see that I just received an incoming text message from Gabe though I don’t open it. I just need to focus my attention on something else so I don’t give in to the desire to beat up the asshole standing in front of me. Besides, Jeff-Fucking-Gardner is not worth it. I put my phone away. I’ll deal with Gabe later. “So what happened to the other girl? Was she worth it?”

  “Oh, her.” Jeff shrugs. “She was a no good, lying bitch. Why do women do that, huh? Lie through their teeth as they look you in the eye?”

  “Probably the same reason we do the same thing. So you think she’s going to forgive you? Harlow? I mean, Miss James?”

  “I know she will. Because I know she still loves me. She always has. What we had was nothing but growing pains in a marriage. In fact, I’ve asked my lawyer to hold off the divorce so I could talk to her, discuss things like we used to. We used to be able to talk things out, weigh the pros and cons of the things we need to do from here—”

  “Marriage isn’t about weighing the pros and cons, man. It’s about working together as a couple.”

  He studies me for a few seconds. “You ever been married?”

  I shake my head.

  “One day you’ll understand.” Jeff eyes me curiously, his blue eyes crinkling. “But look at you. You must not have any problems nailing chicks, looking the way you do. You look like you take care of yourself. They must be falling all over themselves to get you in the sack. What I wouldn’t give to be as young as you again—”

  “We need to get going,” I blurt out, cocking my head towards the door. “The cleaning people will be here in a few minutes, and they can cause quite a racket.”

  Jeff walks towards the door, and I follow behind him. “My wife is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’ll do anything in my power to get her back—and I know I will get her back. She still loves me.” We reach the door, and he steps outside. “What possessed me to let her go like that, all because of some cheap—”

  “Look, man. I’m sorry you guys were having marital issues, but really it’s none of my business. I just rent this place out.” I shut the door behind me harder than I planned.

  “You’re right. Sorry, I unloaded all that on you. Hey, did I tell you we’re both surgeons? We work together—have worked together for years—and we’ve always been the perfect team. We even built an excellent department together—one of the best in the world. But sometimes people just make mistakes. No one is perfect.”

  Take a deep breath, Dax. You’re almost there. He’ll be gone soon. You can punch that bag at the gym. “Hope you get back to New York safely.”

  Jeff’s brow furrows. “How’d you know I’m from New York? Harlow tell you that?”

  “It’s in her rental agreement. She had to sign one before she could rent this place.”

  “Ah, that’s right. Anyway… Dex, right? Thanks so much for listening to me ramble like this. I appreciate it.” Jeff sticks out his hand, but I pretend not to see it and turn away, walking towards my truck.

  Fuck this. I’m tired of counting to ten, twenty, or thirty just to keep my temper in check, but I also know I can’t go around punching people’s lights out just because they can’t help being assholes. But why do I have a feeling Jeff knows who I am? Frank must have told him about me. But in the end, it doesn’t matter if anyone told Jeff. He’s here, announcing that he’s getting Harlow back, like some alpha marking his territory. I get into my truck and sit behind the wheel, watching Jeff enter into his
rented SUV and drive away.

  Damn it, Harlow. Please don’t tell me he’s right—that you’ll just go back to him, that you’ll forgive him. Please don’t tell me that you still love that jerk.

  I lean my forehead against the steering wheel, visions of Harlow and me now replaced with something else, and I don’t like it one bit. Her with Jeff Gardner, the perfect team with their medical certificates probably fighting for space on their office walls. Successful Harlow James with equally successful Jeff Gardner.

  And what have you got, Dax? You never even went to college. You only have a high school diploma. What’s she going to tell her friends back home? That she only has you around for your big dick? Will she even tell anyone back home about you? You’re nothing but a distraction to her. And what’s going to happen now that her husband wants her back? Come on, get real. She almost ended her fucking life for that man, and now he wants her back. He’ll do anything to get her back.

  Fuck this.

  I put on my sunglasses and start the truck, knowing that I’m only going to work myself up over something I have no control over. But even though I may not be a fucking surgeon, I’m a master craftsman just the same. I just work with wood while Harlow and her husband work on bodies. And whether I have a college degree or not, I’m just as good as they are.

  Chapter 23

  Harlow

  What a surprise to run into Gabe at a gas station when I arrive in Albuquerque four hours later. I would have made it down sooner, but I had to stop for breakfast in Santa Fe first. It wasn’t like I was in such a hurry. But whether my world has suddenly become smaller, or it’s simply fate, I spot Gabe topping off his gas tank on the other side of the platform like they tell you not to. He jiggles the lever, milking that pump of every last drop. He spots me the moment I get out of my car, his face breaking into a broad grin.

  “Dr. James, what are you doing down here?”

  “Please call me Harlow.” Clearly, Dax hadn’t yet spoken to him about the latest developments between us. “I’m heading home.”

  He stares at me, surprised, as he returns the pump into its holder. “But Dax told me that you’re staying for two more weeks.” Then his expression turns stricken. “I’m sorry about my aunts at the barbecue yesterday. I overheard them talking about you, and I—“

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. It’s not like they were talking about something I didn’t already know. I am older than Dax, and I’m technically still married.” I swipe my card through the reader and punch in my zip code. I try to be cheerful as if saying those two things don’t create this stabbing feeling deep inside my chest.

  “I still want to apologize for what they said, because true or not, it was still rude. And between you and me, they still hope that he ends up with my cousin, but even I know that’s never gonna happen again. Honestly, I’ve never seen Dax this happy in a long time.” He pauses and crosses the platform that separates us. “Want some help with that?”

  “No, thanks. I’m all right.” As I start to gas up my car, Gabe studies me, and I need desperately to change the subject before my face betrays how I’m really feeling. My eyes are still puffy from crying, and I’m glad my sunglasses keep that detail from him. “So what about you, Dr. Vasquez? What are you doing down here?”

  “I’ve got a shift starting at noon at the ER,” he says. “I do this every other weekend and then head back. Oh, please call me Gabe.”

  “Wow, Gabe, that’s a long drive.”

  “It’s only about two hours each way, and it’s not bad. I listen to audiobooks on the way, so it makes the time go by fast.” He shrugs, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Pays good, too—for this area. I’m sure it’s a lot more in New York.”

  “It depends. You’re doing Family medicine, right?”

  “Yeah, I am, and I have a Master’s in Public Health, which is where I want to focus my private practice up in Taos. I want to improve primary care delivery and chronic disease care in low-resource settings.”

  “The world needs more people like you,” I say, though I wonder how long his idealism will last before one more unpaid bill comes back to his office. “Just like Andrea Martin, down in the South Valley. She runs this for-profit, non-profit type of clinic, and they win grants for their equipment and work with UNM residents.”

  “You know Andrea?” Gabe’s face lights up. “What a small world! We went to school together at UNM. So how do you know her?”

  “I heard about her when she won that grant last year, and so I decided to stop by and check her clinic out. I volunteered my services for a full month.” I finish pumping gas, and this time, I let Gabe take the hose and fit it back into its holder. I twist the cap to the gas tank and flip the lid close.

  “Not at all,” he says, his brow furrowing. “But I don’t get it. I thought you and Dax—”

  “You and I know that wasn’t going to last forever, Gabe.”

  He frowns. “But—“

  “Dax and I are over, Gabe, and I’m going home.”

  His face turns pale. “I hope it has nothing to do with my aunts at the barbecue. I’m sorry—“

  “No, it’s got nothing to do with your relatives or anyone else, for that matter.” I can see a bit of myself in Gabe from so many years ago before ambition overtook everything I believed in. Sure, I transplant kidneys and transform lives, but beyond the pre-op and post-op meetings with the patients, I normally don’t have much interaction with them. I come in for the evaluation, what little I know about my patients gleaned from fellow doctors’ crazy scribblings on medical charts and transcribed notes than from my brief meetings with them. Penny was the only patient I allowed myself to get close to because I didn’t want her to wake up alone after her surgery, and afterward, I didn’t want to disappoint her by leaving too soon.

  “But you don’t have to leave so quickly,” Gabe protests.

  “I need to start driving back, so it’s not like I have a choice.” I pull open my car door. Behind Gabe’s car, a driver honks his horn. “Gabe, can I tell you something?”

  He glowers at the driver before turning back to look at me. “Sure.”

  “Never forget why you went into medicine. Don’t let the bright and shiny things distract you from what’s important—the happiness you get from doing what you love. Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of that, and then you end up losing sight of who you are.”

  “Is that what happened with you?”

  “What do you think?” I sigh, feeling foolish for dispensing unsolicited wisdom. “Anyway, I gotta go.”

  Ignoring the driver in the car behind him, Gabe takes a step towards me. “Are you happy, Harlow? I mean, really happy?”

  I think for a few moments. “What if I told you that I don’t know?”

  “Then I’ll tell you right back that I don’t know isn’t good enough.” Gabe takes another step closer as I push my sunglasses higher up my nose. “Did being with Dax make you happy? I hate to pry, and I know you two just met, but you both looked really great together.”

  I fight back the tears as I swallow, my throat suddenly dry. “Yes, Dax made me happy, Gabe, but now I have things to do in New York.” I get in behind the wheel and close the door. “I didn’t exactly come here without baggage.”

  “I understand.” He nods, sadness filling his features. “But it doesn’t mean you can’t share the weight if he’s willing.”

  The driver behind him honks his horn again, and I start the car, reaching out of the car window to grasp Gabe’s hand. “Take care, Gabe. It’s really nice running into you.”

  “Drive safe, Harlow.” I hear him say as I ease my car out of the gas station. The streets in Albuquerque look deserted, and if this were Manhattan, I’d worry if an epidemic hit the city. But maybe like Dax and Nana, everyone’s at church or enjoying brunch, or like Gabe, headed for work. Or maybe they’re like me, just another tourist making her long way home, her itinerary all written down and scheduled down to her time of arrival at ever
y stop, with her office manager in New York keeping tabs this time and new lawyer doing her darnedest to get the court to approve the change in counsel so this time, she can face things head-on instead of running away. The only thing Kathy or Phoebe won’t know is that I need to return the gun I’d bought in Texas, ridding myself of the reminder that once upon a time, I bought it for a reason other than protection.

  My phone rings as I cross the state line into Texas hours later. The moment I see that it’s Kathy, I answer the call, putting it on speaker.

  “Are you at the hotel yet?”

  “No, Kathy. Probably in another hour, and then I’ll need to walk all this sitting out on the treadmill. I’ll call you the moment I check in.”

  “You promise? You won’t be going under the radar on me again like you did the last five months? I don’t think I can handle receiving just your emails this time.”

  I can tell the concern in Kathy’s voice, and I can’t blame her. I barely answered her calls when I left even though I responded to her emails because they were related to work. But I didn’t want her to hear the despair in my voice, afraid I’d burst out crying the moment I’d speak to someone who knew of my pain firsthand.

  Kathy had been there when I was first pregnant, just as she’d been there when it ended in a miscarriage right before the end of the first trimester. By the time I made the announcement for the third pregnancy only to see it end up in a D&C, I kept the fourth one to myself, only telling Jeff I’d lost the baby again and vowed to try one last time before giving up. Marcus was the result of that last final attempt, and this time, I waited till I after I cleared the first trimester before making the announcement. If I had my way, I would have waited until the second trimester, but people noticed the difference right away. Apparently, I had a pregnancy glow, probably much like most pregnant women do. But like the others, Marcus was not to be, and this time, the attending doctors and nurses saw the anguish on my face when I held him, my beautiful son forever asleep.