I never thought I was claustrophobic until that wooden plank closed me off from the outside world. If I thought I had any control over our exit from North Korea before, that illusion has been completely shattered. Ellie and I are cramped together in this small wooden box, my arm around her shoulders as she leans her head against my chest. Our legs are squished together. I can’t straighten my legs, and I can feel the slight pressure of the end of the box on the top of my head. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to ignore the nagging fear growing in my stomach. “Derek?” Ellie whispers. “Yeah, babe?” “I’m scared.” I squeeze my arm around her. “Me too,” I reply. A huge thud right above my head makes me jump. It sounds like something just fell on top of us and the whole wagon shook. Bags of rice. They’re filling the wagon with bags of rice to smuggle us across, which means that for all intents and purposes we’re trapped in here. I reach my hand up and feel the small latch that Suk showed me near my head. We can get out anytime, I tell myself. We can get out anytime if we need to. “Oh, God,” I hear Ellie whisper. “It’s ok. Only a little while and we’ll be out of here.” I hope. We lay in silence as they load up the back of the wagon. I can hear each thud, feeling the wood bend and whine as the wagon is loaded up. It feels like every nail and every screw is being strained against the weight. Muffled voices come through as Suk, Jang-mi and Lee help load up the wagon. I close my eyes and imagine wide open skies. Long beaches in California, where Ellie and I will walk hand-in-hand. I think of the cool sea breeze on a warm summer night, rustling through the palm trees as the sand squeaks under our feet. I think of open spaces, the endless ocean, the line where the sea and sky meet. I can almost taste the salty air when the wagon lurches forward. Ellie whimpers and I squeeze her shoulder. I can’t move at all, so all I can do is put a slight pressure around her. I can feel her trembling. Her whole body is shaking. “It’ll be ok, I promise. I’m here, always. After this we’re in the clear.” I whisper into her ear. “Ok,” she replies, her voice soft and muffled as she speaks into my chest. Every bump in the road and every rut and root that we come across makes me crash against the sides of the box. Whenever the wagon lurches forward my head bangs into the wooden panel in front of us. Not long after we start moving, pins and needles start going up and down my arm. My knee presses into the side of the box. This is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been. I close my eyes, breathing slowly and evenly through my nose. The air is thick and I feel like I’m suffocating. This is temporary. This is temporary. This is temporary. The meaning of the phrase “time is relative” never hit me until I was trapped in a wooden box being smuggled across the North Korean border in a rickety old horse-drawn rice wagon. A second feels like an eternity. Whenever I feel like screaming, I just think of Ellie’s heartbeat so close to mine, her head on my shoulder and the thought that we’re here together. I would ride in a thousand wagons across the continent if it meant that we would end up together at the end of this. Whatever we go through, it will be worth it. She loves me, and I love her. Chapter 36 – Ellie
With one more massive lurch forward, the wagon comes to a stop. I hold my breath, not knowing whether to be grateful or terrified. I keep imagining the wagon falling apart and being crushed by hundreds of bags of rice, or being left to suffocate in this little coffin. My mind is running circles around me as I try to focus on staying calm. I strain my ears, trying to hear what’s going on. Voices, footsteps. Shouting. I can hear Suk from in front and above us, shouting out. Another muffled voice respond. Heavy footsteps sound like they’re coming from all directions. My body tenses, my breath catches in my chest. Derek’s body feels like it’s made of stone. It doesn’t feel like he’s breathing either. The boot steps get louder and suddenly the wagon shakes. There’s a dull thud on the wood beside me and I wince. My heart is hammering so hard I’m afraid they’ll hear it. Another thud, this time on the other side, and then another quick two taps on top of us. Someone jumps up, standing directly on top of us. There’s more shouting, and never have I ever wished I spoke Korean more than in this moment. There’s shuffling, shifting of the bags ahead of us. My heart beats faster as I feel the wagon shift and move as bags are removed. My stomach jumps up to my throat and I feel like I’m about to throw up. They know. We’re at the border and they know we’re here. Why else would they be taking bags off the back of the wagon? We shake from side to side as bag after bag is offloaded and dropped onto the ground. I can hear every bag as it drops down beside the wagon. I close my eyes and feel tears rolling down my cheeks. This is the end. They’ll take us out and if they don’t kill us now, they’ll take us back to Pyongyang and we’ll never get out of here. We’re done. Derek’s arm squeezes me close and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to stay quiet. I can feel a sob caught in my throat as the wagon shifts and moves. I hear a boot hit the wood that covers us. It sounds like someone is standing directly on top of our chests. His voice is clearer now, only separated from us by a few wooden slats. He’s shouting at someone beside him. Suddenly there’s a loud bang, as if he’s hitting the wood of the wagon with something. He taps, bangs, smacks down on top of us from head to toe. I imagine an armed border guard holding a rifle. He’s walking up and down the length of the wagon driving the heel of his gun into the wood of the wagon. I imagine him listening for hollow spots, spots where people like Derek and I could be smuggled across hostile borders. Derek’s arm is like a vice grip around my shoulders, stopping me from shaking like a leaf. If I move, if I breathe, if I shake too much they’ll hear. That’s assuming they don’t already know, they could just be looking for the latch. The tapping continues, moving back up towards our heads. The man shouts something else and I hear Suk respond. Silence. The seconds tick by. 1… 2… 3… 4… I count in my head to stop the silent screams that fill my brain. My eyes are still squeezed shut, Derek’s tense body is still wrapped around me. Then, a familiar thud. Not the dull, concentrated thud of the man’s gun on top of us. The softer, heavier thud we felt before. The bags. The bags! They’re loading the wagon again! With the next few thuds I let out a slow breath, careful to not exhale too loudly. The bags being loaded doesn’t feel like we’re being buried or trapped this time. They feel like freedom, like we’re one step closer to making it home. My hand is squeezed between my thigh and Derek’s. I press slightly against his leg and he responds by squeezing my shoulder, and I know he’s thinking the same thing I am. We’re almost there. We’re almost through. We’re almost free. Chapter 37 – Derek
The moment we start moving forward I finally let my body relax. Well, I let it relax as much as the cramped space allows. Ellie’s breath returns to normal, and I let my body relax into the wood of the wagon. We’re across. I’m positive that was the border, and that we were stopped for an inspection. All we can do is keep going forward. After a few minutes, I hear a tap near our heads, where Suk would be sitting. Tap-tap-tap… Tap-tap-tap. He whistles and then taps again. Tap-tap-tap… Tap-tap-tap. He’s telling us we’re safe! He has to be. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. We’ve made it. Time seems to speed up now. Within a few minutes, or maybe it’s more, the wagon turns to the left and we drive for a while, bouncing up and down over an uneven road. Finally we come to a lurching stop. There’s voices and the bags are being removed from on top of us by multiple people now. My heart start beating wildly in my chest. I think we’re safe, I think I hear Suk, but I can’t be sure. Until I see the open sky and feel the cool breeze on my skin and I see Suk in front of me telling me we’re safe I won’t let myself hope too much. The last bag lands with a thud beside us and I hear the wood on top of us creak. A cool rush of fresh air rushes in towards us as the wooden boards swing open. Suk’s yellow, gap-tooth smile greets us and I can’t help but smile back. He bursts out laughing and raises his arms up overhead in triumph. I laugh and Ellie’s body softens as she starts to laugh as well. He extends a hand and helps Ellie up first, and then me. We’ve made it. I fee
l like a baby deer, wobbly and unsteady as I move for the first time in hours. I feel like my limbs belong to someone else and I don’t remember how they’re supposed to move. With Suk’s help, the two of us climb out of our box and off the wagon. There’s a small hut beside us, with a man and woman standing in front of it. They greet us warmly and invite us in. There’s tea and rice and chicken laid out for us. I smile for the first time in an eternity. It feels like my face is cracking from the unfamiliar motion, but the smile keeps getting wider and wider. Suddenly laughter is bubbling up inside me and I turn to Ellie who starts laughing as well. I wrap my arms around her waist and pick her up, spinning her around in the low hut. The man and woman and Suk laugh along with us, clapping their hands and shouting happy things at us. I don’t need to speak Chinese to know what they mean. I feel wetness on my cheeks and I realise I’m crying. I drop Ellie down gently and put my hands on either side of her face. Our foreheads touch and I let my tears mix with hers. “We made it,” I whisper. “I love you,” she responds, and tilts her chin up towards me. Our lips meet and this kiss is the sweetest tasting thing I’ve ever experienced. It only lasts a moment before we break apart again and turn to our hosts. I bow my head gratefully and the woman extends her hands towards me. I grasp her hands and bring them to my lips, to my forehead, to my cheeks, wetting them with my tears. She smiles at me and gestures towards the feast in front of us. I bow my head again and Ellie and I say thank you, thank you, thank you. We sit and eat and laugh and cry and wait for Lee. Dusk settles into evening and we all sit together, sipping tea in silence. Our hosts clean and talk quietly. They make a fire in the hearth and give us blankets to keep away the chill of the night. Ellie’s body is nuzzled into mine and we fit together like two puzzle pieces. An engine rumbles in the distance and Ellie puts her head up. We both turn to the door and Suk stands up. He opens the door and we see the old rusty Jeep pull up beside the house. The minute Lee walks through the door, the last of my worries dissipates and my heart sings. We’ve made it. We’re safe, we’re free. We’re together. Chapter 38 – Ellie
I wake up to the California sun streaming through the open curtains. We arrived to Derek’s apartment last night and collapsed in bed right away. After driving to the American Consulate in Shenyang we were flown to Beijing, given temporary emergency passports and flown back to LA over the course of three hectic, sleepless days. Between flights, interviews, meetings and paperwork, the only thing keeping me from falling over from exhaustion was the knowledge that Derek and I were coming back together. The minute we stepped foot in his apartment, I felt like I was coming home even thought I’d never been here before. I turn away from the window towards the other side of the bed. Derek is lying on his back and I can see his chest moving up and down with each breath. His huge, muscular body is completely still except for the breath passing through him. I reach my arm over and gently trail my fingertips back and forth across his chest. His skin is soft and warm but I can feel the strength of his muscles under my touch. He lets out a soft groan as my hands move softly all over his chest. With a deep sigh, he opens his eyes and looks over at me. A gentle smile draws itself on his lips and he turns his body towards me. “Morning,” he sighs. “Morning,” I respond smiling. “Your bed is probably the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in.” Derek chuckles and puts his arm around me to pull me closer. “Anything would be comfortable as long as you’re in it with me.” His hand travels up my side and over my shoulder leaving a trail of sparks on my skin. His fingers tangle themselves into the hair at the nape of my neck. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, inhaling into his skin as he pulls me closer into him. His touch sends a thrill down through my core. I wrap my arms around him and our legs intertwine together. Feeling his skin against mine is almost intoxicating. His arms completely envelop me, surrounding me with warmth and strength as our lips finally find each other. Kissing Derek feels like I’ve never kissed anyone else in my life. It’s like a new experience every time we touch. I had no idea that two people could be so close, so connected. I didn’t know the meaning of intimacy until Derek came back into my life. His lips are soft and every touch makes my body feel electric. Every time his hand moves over my skin, fire trails behind his touch. I press my hips towards him and love the way his hand presses down on my lower back. Our bodies are as close as they can be. We’re wrapped around each other, lips connected, legs intertwined, arms entangled. Every possible inch of my skin is touching his but it’s still not enough. I want to be closer, more connected. I want to be one. Derek’s hand moves down from my lower back and rests on my ass. He squeezes and pulls me into him, kissing me harder until all I can do is melt into his arms and moan. He pulls away and looks at me deep in the eyes, his ocean blue gaze piercing through me. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Ellie,” he says softly. My heart beats faster. I can feel the power of his words even when they’re barely above a whisper. A smile creeps over my lips and I feel my chest swelling. My whole body feels like it’s going to burst open with happiness. “I have too, Derek. I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved anyone else.” And with that, he wraps his strong arms around me and crushes his lips against mine. The passion between us is explosive. Suddenly we can’t move fast enough, can’t be close enough. Our kiss is powerful and breathless and our hands claw at each other. I can hear the roar of my heartbeat in my ears as Derek’s breath becomes heavier and faster. His hard cock is pressed against my stomach and I reach down to stroke the smooth, hard skin. It feels hot in my hand as I stroke up and down the length of it. Derek groans in pleasure and a thrill passes through me, knowing that I’m the one making him feel this way. I keep stroking him and shift my weight onto all fours, slowly moving my head down towards his cock. “Ellie…” Derek whispers, breathless. His hand strokes my shoulder, my arm, the side of my face. I look up at him as I trail kisses down his stomach, still gently stroking his cock. His eyes are clear and deep, deep blue. His soft lips have fallen open as he watches me moving my mouth closer and closer to his shaft. I want to make him feel the pleasure that he makes me feel. I want to make the heat course through his veins and be the one to give him an orgasm like he’s never experienced. I want to taste him, to stroke him, to feel the length of his cock in my mouth and hear his groans. My kisses lead me down to his cock, and I kiss the tip gently as I flick my tongue over the soft pink skin. A bead of precum gathers at the tip and I lick it up gently. He groans and I feel him twitch in my hand. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, opening my mouth and taking him in one smooth motion. I feel Derek’s body relax and my own wetness grow as my mouth moves up and down his cock. His musky taste is making me wild as my head moves faster up and down his shaft. He’s groaning like I’ve never heard before. I can feel my own desire growing as his pleasure becomes more obvious. His legs fall open, his hand finds the back of my head, his body contracts and relaxes in quick succession. I love this. I love him. I love being the one to deliver this pleasure, to make him feel as good as he possibly can feel. I can feel his cock getting harder as I lick and suck it up and down. His fingers wrap themselves into my hair and the slight pressure of his hand on my head makes me moan. As soon as the sound escapes me he responds with a groan. The sound of my moan with his cock in my mouth is one of the most erotic things I’ve ever heard, and Derek responds by bucking his hips into me. Our movements are in sync, it’s almost a frenzy of pleasure as I shift my head to take his entire cock down my throat. With one more groan, Derek pulls me back. “Stop, Ellie,” he pants. “Stop. I’m going to come.” “That’s the point, Derek,” I respond with a grin. “Not before I fuck you,” he shoots, grinning back at me. And with that he grabs me by the waist and flips me over beside him. I yelp and giggle, loving every second I have with this man. Chapter 39 – Derek
Second Chance: A Rockstar Romance in North Korea Page 10
