by Vikki Vaught
He met the man’s skeptical gaze. “I’m in love with Kathryn and have no desire to be with another woman. I plan to earn her love and change her mind, but even if she doesn’t, I’m ruined for any other woman.”
“Well, we need to return to the others. I’m sure Kathryn is wondering why we have stayed away.” By the time they returned to the drawing room, everyone had finished their tea and were on their way to their rooms.
Jonathan escorted Kathryn to her bedchamber, gave her a quick kiss, and gently squeezed her hand. “I shall see you at dinner.”
By the time he entered his chamber, his knee pulsed like the very devil. He opened his valise and retrieved the laudanum. He located a pitcher of water on a table, poured a glass, and took the medicine and settled into the chair by the hearth. Since he had time before he needed to dress, he rested his leg on the matching ottoman, he leaned his head against the cushion and closed his eyes.
He was encouraged by her response to his kiss. If he took it slow, eventually, he would earn her trust and hopefully, her heart. Each day he spent with her, his love grew stronger. He recalled his conversation with her brother-in-law—he’d meant every word he said. He would rather have Kathryn in his life than a dozen other women, even if they never made love. Growing drowsy, he let sleep carry him away.
He jerked awake at seven. He’d need to rush, or he would be late for dinner. Someone must have entered while he slept because he spied a bowl of water with steam rising from the surface. He quickly washed, gave himself a hurried shave, then made his way downstairs.
When Jonathan entered the drawing room, his eyes landed on Kathryn. She looked radiant in a blue silk evening gown, and his heart skipped a beat. Curls of her fiery red hair cascaded around her shoulders, highlighting her pale skin. She noticed him, and a smile adorned her lovely face.
He took her hand in his. “Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Have you by chance checked on the children? I overslept.” He scanned the room. “Where’s Elaine?”
“The children are fine. Elaine should be down any minute. She’s freshening up in my room, and my maid is arranging her hair.” Elaine entered. “Ah, here she is.”
Elaine hurried to them. “I hope I’m not too late. Thank you for letting me use your room. I love what Sarah did with my hair.”
Jonathan smiled. “Ah, Princess. Did you have an enjoyable afternoon? I fear I’ve neglected you.”
“A little, but I enjoyed playing with the children,” she assured him. “Mary Elizabeth and Angela are sweet, and they have taken Jane under their wing. She’s happier than I’ve seen her since before her parents passed. I’m glad you included us. It’s good to get away.”
“How’s Frankford?” he asked. “Has he made friends with any of the other children? I believe one of Melody’s sons is close to his age.”
Kathryn interjected, “Brandon’s the same age. When I was with them, they were playing pirates, and he appeared happy. I agree with Elaine—I think it’s good they were able to come.”
The butler appeared and announced dinner. Jonathan escorted Kathryn and Elaine to the dining room. His sister sat next to him with Collingswood on her left. The man kept her amused with stories regarding his sister.
Jonathan found her family warm and welcoming, and since he no longer had Roderick, it was pleasant to have other males to speak with concerning Kathryn. His brother would have been so pleased he was marrying her.
Both Sanderford and Collingswood obviously loved their wives, and Helen and Melody clearly loved their husbands. He hoped that having them to talk to would help Kathryn deal with her fears. He had an uphill battle, helping her overcome her anxiety regarding intimacy between a husband and wife.
CHAPTER 16
It was a convivial group at dinner, which made for a pleasant evening. Once dinner ended, the duchess led the ladies into the drawing room and left the men to enjoy their port and cigars.
Over port, Sanderford directed his gaze toward him. “How long were you in the service of His Majesty? I spent seven years in service before Waterloo. I suffered an injury during the battle, and consequently, lost my memory. That’s why I cannot remember meeting you. I recovered most of my memory, except for the weeks leading up to the battle, and then the month after.”
“I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been. Glad to hear you recovered most of your memory.” Jonathan vaguely remembered hearing of the duke’s miraculous return years before, but not wanting to pry, he answered Sanderford’s initial question. “My brother and I entered His Majesty’s service when Bonaparte escaped from Elba. My father was opposed, but we threatened to enlist as foot soldiers, so he bought our commissions. He believed we would be safer as officers. I had no idea how to lead men, but my colonel gave me good guidance.”
Sanderford returned his glass of port to the table. “How did we meet?”
He took a slow sip of his port, resisting the temptation to gulp it down, then answered, “We met at the balls and parties the ton held. When Wellington received the dispatch from the Prince of Orange, he sent most of his officers to Quatre Bras to defend it against Marshall Ney. You and I were among the officers he sent. I lost track of you after that. I received my injury during the final battle. I don’t regret going, and if I had it to do over, even knowing I would be injured, I still would have gone.”
Sanderford frowned. “I wish I could remember the battle, but that entire month is lost to me. Did you know my friend Hayden as well?”
“Yes, but I didn’t know either of you well,” he replied quickly, not wanting the duke to think he claimed more than a fleeting acquaintance. “I was young, and a trifle intimidated by you and your fellow officers. After all, you were seasoned; I on the other hand, was green.”
Sanderford looked at Collingswood. “I’m sorry, this must be boring you.”
“I actually find this fascinating,” he replied. “I wanted to fight, but my father refused to buy me a commission. I do not have any cousins, and my younger brother was always in trouble even as a young boy, so I bowed to my father’s wishes.”
Jonathan inhaled deeply, letting the smoke fill his lungs as he relaxed in his chair. While he now had to watch what he drank, he could still enjoy a good cigar.
Sanderford stood. “As interesting as this is, we need to join our wives. I’m sure they’re wondering what is keeping us.”
They found the ladies in the drawing room having tea. Kathryn sat by her other sister-in-law, so Jonathan joined her. “My apologies, ladies. We let the time get away from us.”
“That’s all right,” Kathryn replied. “I’m pleased you are bettering your acquaintance. We were discussing the orphanage we both volunteer at in London. She’s a member of the board of trustees now.”
He smiled at Mary. “I’m sure you’re an asset to the board. It’s very generous of you to devote your time. I admire you for it.”
“Thank you,” Mary replied. “When I lost my husband, I lost interest in life, but working with the children helped me move beyond my grief. I shall never forget my husband, but I know he would want me happy. I’m blessed with two wonderful children, and Melody, Helen, and Kathryn are as dear to me as any blood sisters.”
“I’m glad they helped you overcome your grief. I’m dealing with that myself since losing my brother.” Glancing at his intended, Jonathan added, “I would be lost without Kathryn. I’m a fortunate man to have her. The grief can be crippling some days, and she helps to ease it.”
Mary rose. “If you will excuse me, I must check on my children. I just want to add, I’m thrilled for both of you, and I hope you’re as happy in your marriage as I was in mine.”
Jonathan turned to his beloved once Mary departed. “Where’s Elaine? I need to retrieve her and the children. We need to leave. We have an hour’s drive ahead of us. Has she gone upstairs?”
“She stepped from the room for a moment. I’m sure she will be back soon. Shall we go upstairs? She should be here by the time we bring the ch
ildren down.”
The children had fallen asleep, so they each carried a child to the carriage. Elaine met them on their way down. Once they had the youngsters settled, Jonathan pulled Kathryn close and kissed her temple. “Good night, my dear. I shall see you at the church on Saturday.” Then he entered the carriage and signaled the driver.
* * * *
When Kathryn went inside, she returned to the drawing room, told everyone she was retiring, and she would see them in the morning. Sarah helped her prepare for bed and left her alone to her thoughts. Jonathan had treated her like a fragile piece of glass. He was such a gentle and kind man. She realized she wanted to be his wife. It was comforting to imagine growing old with him.
Kathryn imagined he would be a sensitive lover, then she remembered the pain and humiliation she’d gone through with her uncle. Anger burned through her. He’d ruined any chance she had to have a loving marriage. If it weren’t for him, she would gladly give herself to Jonathan. Tears rolled down her cheeks for all she had lost because of that depraved man.
A tap sounded on her door. “Who is it?”
“It’s me,” her sister replied.
She swiped her eyes as she opened the door. Helen pulled her into an embrace. “What is amiss? Did Jonathan upset you?”
Kathryn swallowed her tears. “No…No…he’s wonderful. That’s the problem. He deserves to have a wife who will be his in all ways. Not someone who can never be a true wife.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I can never share his bed.” She shuddered. “Every time I think of being with a man, I remember what my uncle did, and the thought of intimacy terrifies me.”
Helen patted her shoulder. “Oh, Kathryn, do not let him ruin your chance at love. I was so pleased when you wrote telling me of your engagement. I can tell you both care for each other.”
“We do.” She moved from her sister’s embrace and wrapped her arms around her waist. “Jonathan is the kindest man I’ve ever known. It’s not fair to him. I can’t expect him to live without intimacy. I must call off the wedding…” Another wave of tears broke forth. “but he…he needs me. The children need me.” More tears clogged her throat. “If I do not marry him, then the c-children will not have…a mother. Oh, Helen, what am I to do?”
“Honey, does he know how you feel regarding…intimacy?” she asked.
“Yes. It’s to be a marriage in name only. That’s the only way I agreed. But, it’s so unfair to him.” She buried her face in her hands and dropped on the settee before the hearth.
Helen joined her. “It’s his decision to make. If he’s willing, then you should marry him. I watched him today, and clearly, he cares deeply for you. You never know, after you’re wed, you may change your mind. Kathryn…I need to ask you something,” She hesitated. “I know Melody and Henry stopped Uncle Theodore from violating you, but…did he do something to you before that incident?”
It all came spilling out. “I…I…he did. W-when I…I was twelve…he…he raped me.”
“Oh, my Lord,” she cried. “Does Henry know?”
“Never,” she exclaimed. “I’ve never told anyone, ever. Please promise me you shan’t tell Henry.”
She pulled her close. “Shh…I won’t tell him, I promise. Oh, honey, I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. If that old rogue wasn’t dead, I would go kill him myself. Did you try to tell our parents?”
“You know Mother would never have believed me. She has never acknowledged what he tried to do when Henry and Melody stopped him.” Kathryn wept bitter tears as she buried her face in her hands.
Her sister raised her face. “You need to tell him. He needs to know how strongly you feel. It’s the only fair thing to do. Matthew and I will take you to his house in the morning.” Terror raced through her, and before she could speak, Helen stopped her. “No, I shan’t tell Matthew why you need to see Jonathan. I shall say you need to ask him something.”
Kathryn stood and began pacing. “I know you’re right, but what if he wants to call off the wedding? I really do want to become his wife. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“He’s already agreed to a marriage in name only, but he needs to know the full extent of your fears, although I still believe he will want to marry you.” Helen stood and kissed her on the cheek. “Has he ever kissed you?”
Her tummy flipped as she recalled his kiss. “Yes, and it was quite pleasant. I told him I wanted his affection…just not the other part.”
Helen moved to the door. “You need your rest. Everything will work out. Matthew and I will take you out there before Mother even knows you’re gone. We’ll say Jonathan asked us to go riding, and that shan’t be a lie. I shall wake you at seven.”
“Thank you, Helen. I feel so much better now that I’ve told someone what really happened.” She yawned and added, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
After her sister left her room, Kathryn cried herself to sleep. Her dreams had her tossing and turning. She dreamed of the vile things her uncle used to do to her. She awoke gasping for breath, sweating and shivering all over. Her face was bathed in tears. The only saving grace—at least she is not sleepwalking and wandering the halls as she did as a child.
Kathryn glanced at the ormolu clock on the mantel; only three in the morning. The dream was so realistic. For the first time in years, she craved the oblivion of laudanum. A chill ran down her spine. Thank goodness none was available. She climbed from bed and poured a glass of water. Her hands trembled.
As she slowly sipped, her heartbeat slowed, then she returned to bed. Fearful of another nightmare, she fought sleep, but eventually drifted off. She fell into another dream, but this time she dreamed Jonathan was kissing her with incredible tenderness. She told him she was not a virgin, and he told her he could not marry her. She awoke with tears streaming from her eyes.
She heard the clock strike five. She climbed from the bed and poured another drink. She did not return to her bed, instead, she sat by the cold hearth, shivering.
At seven o’clock, Sarah entered with steaming water. She washed and let her maid help her don her habit. She nibbled on her nails as she waited for Helen on the window seat, staring out at the dreary day. The day fit her mood perfectly.
A few minutes later, Helen entered. “Oh, dear, you slept poorly, did you not? Are up to going to Jonathan’s? Matthew is waiting beside the carriage. If you’ve changed your mind, I will understand.”
She clasped her trembling hands together. “I must see him. It’s the honorable thing to do. I dreamed I told him what happened, and that I wasn’t a virgin…he said…he could never marry a fallen woman. I will be devastated if he decides he cannot wed me.”
Helen hugged her. “Honey, he will understand it wasn’t your fault. If it has you this overset, perhaps I am wrong, and you do not need to tell him.”
She straightened her spine. “Jonathan must have all the facts, and if he decides he cannot take me to wife, then it may be for the best. He deserves someone who can be a true wife, not one who has so many problems. Let us make haste.”
They kept the conversation lively, but the closer they drew to his home the more the bees buzzed in her belly. As the house came into view, a crushing weight settled on her chest. Her palms grew damp and her pulse thudded in her neck.
The carriage pulled to a halt, and Goodman came out to greet her. “Good morning, Lady Kathryn. Lord Sutherland is in his study with his steward. Please, let me show you to the drawing room, and I shall advise him of your arrival.”
Too overwrought to sit, she stood by the window, looking out at the light drizzle as she waited. The drip, drip of the rain from the eaves fell in time with her heart.
The door opened, and Jonathan entered. She turned to face him. “Darling, what a delightful surprise.” He glanced at her sister and husband. “Welcome to my home.”
Too agitated to tolerate the niceties, she blurted out, “I need to speak with you regarding an important matter.”
Even to her ears, her tone sounded ominous. “Is there somewhere we can speak privately?”
Lines creased his forehead. “Of course, my dear. We shall go to the library.” He turned to Goodman. “Please bring some refreshments for Lord and Lady Collingswood.” He added, “Please make yourselves at home while Kathryn and I talk.”
Jonathan placed his hand on the small of her back and led her from the room. When they entered the library, he helped her to the sofa and sat beside her. “My dear, what is amiss?”
She twisted her hands. “Oh, this is so difficult. I…need to tell you…” she sniffed, “I…I…do not know where to start.” Tears pooled in her eyes and one slipped out.
“Dearest, please don’t cry.” He pulled her close and wiped the tear away.
She buried her head into his shoulder. “I’m not a…virgin.”
“Shh, sweetheart. Neither am I. Now, tell me what is troubling you.” Smoothing her hair, he kissed her head and rubbed her shoulder.
“When I was a very young child my uncle…” She inhaled, trying to gather the strength to tell him. He started touching me…I tried to hide from him, but he always managed to find me, and when I was twelve…he…he…took me…” another gasped of air, “against my will.”
He lifted her face. “Oh, my poor darling, you were a defenseless child. If he were not already dead, I would hunt him down and kill him. That’s why you’re so frightened of intimacy, is it not?”
She swallowed the bile threatening to rise up in her throat. “I know I can never be a true wife to you. The very thought of intimacy terrifies me. I shall understand if you want to beg off.” She met his concerned gaze. “In fact, I’m releasing you from your obligation. You must find someone else to help you raise the children. If we wed, then you may resent me later, and I could not bear that.”
He pulled her onto his lap. “I do not want to be released, and I could never resent you. We agreed we would have a white marriage; this does not change the reason we decided to wed. We’re doing this for the children, and you will be a wonderful mother.”
