Scandal Takes a Holiday mdf-16

by Lindsey Davis

  'No, I reckon it's my long-lost tricky brother Festus, returned from the dead.'

  'Festus!' Petro sat up in pretended horror. 'Now you're talking serious shit!'

  He slumped back, and we let him start nodding off again. Helena and I took our leave quietly. Helena, who was fond of Petronius, leaned over him and kissed his cheek; he smiled sleepily, acknowledging that he was too far gone to move. In the hallway, Maia was waiting with a bundle.

  'You left this!' she accused me, drawing in her crimson skirts in distaste. It was Diocles' baggage. I had dumped the dirty laundry days beforehand, hoping that would be the last I saw of it. The house slaves had cleaned up the tunics, on the assumption that the garments belonged to their master; I peered at the results, but there was nothing I would be seen around town in. These looked like the clothes Diocles wore when he was disguising himself as some kind of labourer. There was a particularly vile slug coloured number. I told Maia she could give the lot to the slaves. Pa appeared. It was just like him to delay us at the wrong moment.

  'What did you think of old Fulvius?' he asked me. I yawned rudely.

  'I thought we went through that.'

  'What is he doing in Ostia?' Helena asked of Pa, as he held her cloak for her while she carried our sleeping daughter Favonia.

  'He came home. It's allowed, even if you're Fulvius.'

  'And was that story true about him going to Pessinus but catching the wrong boat?'

  'The way he tells it now, he was just shipwrecked on the way.'

  'So why ever was he going to Pessinus in the first place, Geminus? I looked it up, it's right in the middle of Phrygia!'

  'Attis syndrome,' Pa replied, trying to be mysterious. Helena was unfazed.

  'You mean Fulvius was a follower of the cult of Cybele?'

  'Well, Fulvius had a bit of a mixed-up personality…' In front of Helena, my father was now curiously shy. She glared until he told her what had always been rumoured about my uncle.

  'Helena, this may shock you, we got used to it, but for a while, poor old Fulvius reckoned he wanted to be a woman.'

  'Being one of my uncles,' I said gently, 'he had to go the whole crazy way.' Pa completed the story.

  'He left home to go and see the experts at the shrine of Cybele about removal of a certain body part…'

  'Castration?' demanded Helena clinically. Pa blinked.

  'I think he joined the navy instead.'

  'That's hardly a solution to his problem!'

  'You don't know sailors, sweetheart.'

  'No? What happened to the legend that sailors have wives in every port?'

  'They miss their wives when they are at sea.' Helena shook her head at Pa reprovingly.

  'So is Fulvius happy now?'

  'Happy?' Pa and I looked at each other.

  'Fulvius will never be happy,' I told Helena. 'If he had succeeded in getting to Pessinus and cutting off his implement, for him it would only have been another problem.'

  'He would have spent the rest of his life regretting that he snipped his stick,' Pa agreed with me. Helena calmly wrapped the end of her cloak around the child in her arms and let the conversation drop. Helena and I set off back to our apartment. The outer wall of Privatus' house still had my ropes and cleaning material beside it from when I was on watch. That would never have happened in Rome. I retrieved my bucket.

  At the old town gate, there were no lights in the upper room. I had forgotten to ask Petronius whether the woman who guarded the kidnap victims during their ordeal, Pullia, had been pulled in along with her lover Lygon. And if so, what had happened to the seven year-old we met that day, the lad Zeno? We had arrived at the right moment to find out. Fusculus and a couple of his men clattered down to street level. They had taken in Pullia earlier, and had just finished searching the gatehouse.

  'We found a load of drugs,' said Fusculus, gesturing to a basketful of glass phials now being removed. 'Opium poppy, I reckon.'

  'So tomorrow we can expect to see the vigiles staggering about the streets, blissfully comatose?' Fusculus grinned in his happy way.

  'You want to volunteer to test the extracts?'

  'No, he doesn't,' said Helena. 'But if none of the kidnap victims will testify, don't forget Marcus and Lucius Petronius once saw Pullia herself insensible after she had sampled the sleeping draught.'

  'Looks as if the woman is the only one we can snare with evidence,' Fusculus told us.

  'Rubella thinks he may have to release the males.'

  Helena was angry.

  'A whole gang of men are terrorising victims, raping teenagers, extorting and killing, but you will hold only their female assistant!' As she stormed off growling, one of the vigiles let out a shout from the interior of the gatehouse. A small figure scuttled out, ducked around Fusculus, and hared off up the road. It was Zeno. No one made much attempt to catch him, and he legged it out of sight.

  XLII

  There are various problems in letting the generals run a battlefield. Mainly, they pay too much attention to their budgets.

  Marcus Rubella, the tribune of the Fourth Cohort of Vigiles, was keyed up to solve the Ostian kidnappings ahead of rival troops. However, he had already been forced to authorise a light supper and night-soil removal for thirty unexpected prisoners. When he realised that as a result he now had to choose between giving them breakfast or providing the customary Saturnalia drinks to his own men next December, it was no contest. The thought that by evening the pirates would be eating supper at the expense of a new candelabrum in his Rome office clinched it. He had set his heart on improved lighting and had spotted a faux bronze upright four-branch model with an Ionian top which he thought would do just nicely. So Rubella scrutinised his meagre interrogation notes; he saw there was bugger all chance of making charges stick; and he let the Cilicians go.

  That said, Rubella was not stupid. Nor, possibly, was he corrupt. His brain, according to Petronius Longus, worked on different principles from those of normal human beings, but brain there was beneath that short-haired, low-profile cranium. In fact Petro regularly tried to persuade Scythax, the vigiles' doctor, that Marcus Rubella's brain needed maintenance, in the form of having a hole drilled through his skull for inspection purposes. Trepanation would have been a good idea for the normally prescribed purposes: relieving pressure.

  Rubella liked to think. This was well known. He spent long hours in his office on the Aventine apparently doing nothing at all, but in rare moments when he confided in people, he claimed that his method as a cohort commander was to do the thinking other people chose to omit. According to him [and Petronius had been given the benefit of this theory at some length, at one of the cohort's legendary Saturnalia drinks parties] this method of leadership enabled Rubella to foresee problems, to anticipate criminal tendencies, and to plan cunning ambushes that other cohort commanders, with their less intellectual methods, would never achieve.

  Thus, on the next sunny morning when many of the vigiles were despairing of their leader's stupid action, we were informed that when he let the Cilicians walk, Marcus Rubella had had a clever plan. This plan had been formulated as a result of research he had conducted in the few days between me paying him that visit in Rome and him bringing his men to Ostia. In order to be at the top of his profession in the matter of outwitting pirates, or pirates' descendants, or ex-pirates, the thinking man had been to a library and borrowed some scrolls. The cohort tribune was now an expert on Cilician habits and Cilician ways of thought.

  'Stuff their habits!' muttered Lucius Petronius, who was no fan of literary research when it came to men who strangled their associates out on lonely salt marshes. 'I want to see the bastards strung up on crosses where they can't do any more harm.'

  'So do I,' said Rubella – who as well as a working brain beneath the crewcut had two big ears, one each side of his head in the customary manner, and both as sharp as a bat's.

  'Stop mouthing off to Falco like a schoolboy in the back row. And in any case what's bloo
dy Falco doing here at my morning briefing?' Everyone looked at me. The vigiles were feeling extremely depressed, so picking on me came as light relief. They were usually friendly, but just at this moment each one of them would happily have seen me lightly roasted in a bread roll with a piquant dressing of fish pickle. I explained, with my informer's mild manners, that I had dropped into the patrol house to enquire what progress, if any, had been made in solving either the kidnappings or the killing of Theopompus.

  Rubella said to get lost. This was what I expected; he had a limited repertoire.

  I started to move away slowly, but when he began talking again I stayed put. Informers also have their traditions. Hanging around at briefings where we are not wanted is one of ours.

  'You may all think that I have gone crazy-'

  Rubella's men dutifully looked as if they were thinking Oh no, sir. I was thinking how glad I was not to be one of his men.

  'Trust me. I've done the right homework. What you have to understand about Cilicians is that they pay great respect to their elders. They have key leaders who are called Tyrannical, that's a Greek concept, just equates to a local king; we Romans view tyrants in a rather different light, of course.'

  By now we all reckoned Rubella had finally gone crazy.

  'Now whether they are on board ship, where they elect their captain, or on land, where their leaders are more territorial, the oldest tyrants are the ones they honour most. We happen to be holding one who is about as old as you can get. So although it seems as if I have made a mistake in letting the rest go free, have faith. I kept back the fellow who matters. We are still detaining Damagoras.'

  Somebody cheered. Rubella could recognise a jibe; he glared. He glared at me, on principle, although I was not the culprit. Petronius was blunt.

  'Damagoras claims he has retired.'

  'And the rest all claim they are innocent!' Rubella retorted. 'I don't believe them either, Lucius Petronius.' Petro sniffed, but had to allow the point.

  'I like the neatness of this,' Rubella congratulated himself. 'The people who take hostages are faced with a hostage themselves. Damagoras is being held against their good behaviour. One slip, and their esteemed chief is for it.' Rubella favoured us with a benign smile. 'And to make sure we can find them again, I instructed them all not to leave town.'

  Well, that was reassuring. Of course if the Cilicians did leave town, Rubella would in one sense be vindicated. The kidnappings would stop. Then the tribune would be able to claim he had eliminated an extortion racket using minimal manpower and with little impact on the budget. Either way, Damagoras would cost nothing to keep; now that he had people on the outside, they sent in provisions daily. The pirate chief would be living a life of luxury, his only complaint being that he had to stick in his cell. Still, it was already a beautifully furnished cell.

  Unfortunately for Rubella, almost at once proof arrived that the extortion would continue.

  While we were still at the briefing Helena Justina hurried to find me with some startling news. Holconius and Mutatus, the two scribes who commissioned me, had just arrived in Ostia from Rome, wanting my advice. The Daily Gazette had received a letter which said kidnappers had captured Diocles and removed him to Sardinia. His captors had now brought him back to Ostia and a large ransom was demanded. They ordered the scribes not to tell anybody of the ransom demand, and not to involve the vigiles.

  'Still, you appear to have done that,' sneered Rubella.

  'It seemed vital you should know,' Helena said, just managing to keep her temper. 'This is a chance to lie in wait and catch the ringleaders while the ransom is being paid.'

  'An ambush!' Marcus Rubella, the thinking commander, was now a happy tribune.

  XLIII

  Rubella might have been cheerful. I was annoyed.

  'Helena Justina, would you care to explain to me exactly why you just did that?'

  Helena squared her shoulders. We were walking home. There was always a danger when we quarrelled in the street that one of us would walk away for ever. Or at least until we thought the other party believed it might be for ever just enough to enable a reconciliation scene. We were both headstrong. Having two children, an adopted orphan and a dog at home complicated matters slightly. Before striding off with too much hauteur, someone had to look over their shoulder and make sure the other one was going to look after the family. Today I was being far too grown up for that. I wanted to stick around and make my presence felt.

  'You know why I did it, Falco.' If I was Falco, that meant she was determined not to be impressed by the head-of-household bombast. Marcus was allowed more slack.

  'Pardon me; I left my personal priest at home today. Read me the auguries!'

  'Stop shouting.'

  'When I shout, believe me lady, you will know all about it.' People had turned to look at us. I certainly was not raising my voice any more than the occasion demanded. Helena kept walking. An interfering idiot stopped to ask the respectable stole-wrapped matron if that unpleasant man was bothering her. Helena said yes.

  'Don't worry; he is my husband.'

  'Oh sorry! Have you considered divorce?'

  'Frequently,' said Helena. We walked on. I was biting my thumb. Too soon, we arrived at the entrance to the courtyard of our apartment. We stopped.

  'Explain now. We don't argue in front of the children.'

  'Wrong, Falco. Anyway,' said Helena in a tight voice, 'I think it's best if I decide what should happen with the children. I am the one they have to rely on to be here looking after them. I'll tell you why I went to the vigiles. Two reasons, really. One is that I genuinely feel Mutatus and Holconius are wrong not to involve the authorities. And then, what would have happened if I had just let you go and see them privately, Marcus? You know as well as I do – you would have taken on the issue, and you would have done it all alone. Aulus has sailed off, Quintus is crooning over his baby, you wouldn't have wanted to tell Petronius what you were up to, and so you would have dealt with the ransom demands. Am I right?'

  I said nothing. I tried to think up alternative courses of action I could pretend would have been my choice. None came to mind.

  'So once again, Falco, I would have had to live with the terror of you going off into danger, on your own, ignoring sense.'

  'I never ignore sense.'

  'You are ignoring it now.'

  'No, I'm adapting. I've just had a shock today. I thought you and I were partners. We consulted on important issues.'

  'You were not here. Just for once I did what I wanted. And I chose to save you.'

  'I really did not think I had to say this, Helena. Don't interfere with my work!' That hurt her. I hated the sound of it myself. Now we really were quarrelling. I tried to soften it.

  'Be reasonable. I've been going off alone on cases all the years that you have known me.'

  'Seven,' she said bleakly.

  'What?'

  'Seven years. That is how long I have known you. You could be dead in seven minutes if you make the wrong choice, in the wrong place, with nobody to back you up.'

  'Don't make me feel too old to cope.'

  'You are not too old. But you are no longer a lone informer, giving your soul to a mission. You are a family man with a full life, and you need to readjust.' We glared at each other. There was no easy way out of this.

  'Are those your grounds for divorce, Helena?'

  'No. I'm still thinking up the grounds. They will be much more colourful; I want a big splash in the Gazette.'

  'Don't even try. I'm the man of the house. The divorce is mine; I deal with legal niceties.'

  'Do what you like with the niceties,' scoffed Helena offhandedly.

  'Don't forget I deal with the accounts.'

  'Oh, you may do – but don't expect an expensive settlement!' We were still glaring. I convinced myself there was a difference in the glare.

  'So. Are you going to buy my forgiveness now by telling me where they are staying?' When she failed to react, I nudged. 'H
olconius and Mutatus.'

  'How do you know that I know where they are?'

  'Helena Justina, you're the best partner I could have. You are efficient, far-sighted, and although you would deny it, bossy. You didn't mention this to Rubella, but I know, Helena, you will have asked for their address.'

  She knew the address, and she told me. Then she denied she was bossy. I thanked her gravely.

  'Be reassured, sweetheart. This is the first stage only; I am just exploring the situation. It will be perfectly safe. I'll go now. Do I get a kiss?' Helena shook her head, so I kissed her, very firmly. We looked at one another, then I left. I walked back to Helena. She was still standing where I had left her, in the shadow of the courtyard arch. She looked shaken. I sympathised; it was how I felt.

  'Come with me.'

  'You don't need me for this.'

  'No. But come anyway.'

  'It's big of you to allow it.'

  'That's right,' I said. I tucked her hand in my arm and kept it there. 'I'm getting old and easy to outwit; even so, I should still be able to manage talking to a pair of Gazette scribes. But this way, if I find myself in any danger, I can use you as a shield.'

  XLIV

  Holconius and Mutatus were sitting glumly in their hired room. Between them, spread on a carefully laid out cloak, lay an unpacked packed lunch, looking like food they had brought from Rome with them. They had divided it neatly into two portions, but seemed too disheartened to start. I introduced Helena, as if I forgot she had met them that morning. We both assessed them thoughtfully. two lean, middle-aged freedmen with excellent Latin accents and grammar, who must be equally smart at Greek. Two sophisticated, literate men, who seemed ill at ease outside their natural environment.

  'Marcus had heard you were both on leave,' Helena said, settling herself. As she spread her skirts and readjusted her bangles, Mutatus shook his head. It was a rapid, nervous gesture.

  'With our responsibilities, we are always available in emergencies.'