Walls of Ash
Page 19
“...and the window...” I murmured.
“She remembers standing in the window,” the doctor repeated. “What else?”
I was becoming increasingly aware, and saw Fleur sitting nearby, her eyes were red with recent tears.
“The room, it was spinning and I didn’t know where I was going. Someone was calling to me. I thought that the window was the door to the corridor...” I said.
“Hallucinations. I daresay I was correct in assuming opium extract... It can be a devastating experience. Dangerous if not properly monitored.” He was talking to Celia, then he looked back at me.
“How do you feel, now?” he asked.
“My head is sore,” I said.
“Mmhm, mmhm, that is also an effect of a high dose of opiates. I think it is best if she rests for the day, though I wouldn’t leave her by herself. Can one of your girls stay with her?”
“Where is Julian?” I asked and was ignored, so I said it again.
“Where is Julian?”
“Dear, he was up all night, and I insisted he finally go to bed after the Doctor arrived...” Celia spoke soothingly and then asked the doctor into the hall.
“Fleur?” I said, and she rushed right over to me.
“Can you please help me dress?” I was removing the covers as Celia came back into the room.
“Tam, dear, you heard what the doctor said, you must rest!” she said.
“I cannot lie here all day. I will go down and have breakfast and if I feel like resting after, I shall do so. Fleur, will you join me in the conservatory?” I said. She didn’t know how to answer, and Celia seemed unhappy at the prospect of a servant breakfasting in the conservatory, but she did not protest.
“Please close the door, Fleur.” She did and then helped me dress. Bernadine came into the room with the water.
“I have an idea.” I said to Fleur and then turned to face Bernadine.
“Bernadine, will you arrange for breakfast to be brought up to the room?”
“Yes, of course, Lady Rhineholt...” I could see that she was shocked that I was out of bed and dressed, too.
“Miss, I worry fer ya. Will yeh not get back into bed like the Doctor told yeh?” Bernadine asked, I ignored this.
“Could you please bring enough food for yourself and Fleur, as well?” I asked. She looked like she saw a ghost.
“Yes, Ma’am...” Then she was off again.
Fleur giggled.
“I’m sorry, Lady Tamsin, this is just so... eccentric!”
“Is it?” I asked, brushing my hair. She looked down at her feet.
Celia came back into the room with Bernadine and asked if she could join us.
“Suit yourself, though I only asked Bernadine for enough for three.”
Celia sat on the bed while Bernadine, Fleur and I sat at a small table that Fleur brought in.
“I trust that if anything or anyone was seen with that milk last night, I would be told?” There were nods after I said it.
“Oh, we’d ne’er let anything awful come to yeh, m’lady. It’s terrible the things that’ve happened to yeh and yer so young, yet.” Bernadine shook her head and dabbed at her eye with a handkerchief.
“Thank you, Bernadine.” I said and paused while she gained her composure back.
“Bernadine, there is something I have wanted to ask you for some time. I did not because I thought it would be improper, but as you can see, I am an unconventional woman.” She nodded, looking up from her tea.
“I have recently read a journal that my mother wrote. You remember that it was taken from me?” She looked frightened, and I think she knew what I was going to ask.
“My mother spoke of you fondly.” She relaxed a little. I could see that Celia was obsessively interested in the conversation.
“Thank you, Lady Rhineholt, I were fond of ‘er, as well.” she said bashfully.
“She also spoke of Camilla...” She nodded and put her teacup down.
“Fleur’s mother tended to my mother, and I was wondering if you might have any insight into who Fleur’s father was?” She was alarmed at the question.
“No Ma’am. Camilla, she were a wicked woman with blue stockin’s, of sorts. She were kind to many men. She took after me brazen mother that way. No tellin’ who it were that fathered that child.” She said with wide eyes.
Fleur was shocked.
“I apologize if this conversation makes you ladies uncomfortable, but I needed to know after reading what was in my mother’s journal. I’ve had an awful lot on my mind, recently, as you know,” they nodded, “and I thought that Fleur might be thankful to know who her father was, as well.” Fleur and Bernadine exchanged a glance. I had hoped that Bernadine would blurt out that the father was my uncle so that I would have confirmation.
“You have both been with me for such a long time.” Another nod in unison as their eyes were back on me.
“I want you both to know that your service has meant so much to me. Fleur has done more than I could ever expect to repay her for. That is why I have decided that when I have married Julian, I am doubling your pay.”
Bernadine’s eyes grew wider, Fleur sucked in a breath, and Celia dropped her teacup, it landed on the rug and did not break, but the liquid sank into the carpet. Bernadine jumped up to go and tend to it and bumped the table, rattling the dishes, but I sat back in satisfaction at my actions.
“That is all. Please enjoy the rest of your breakfast before returning to your duties, ladies.” It was followed by a chorus of ‘Yes, Lady Rhineholt’ and ‘Thank you, Lady Rhineholt.’ I left them with a scone in my hand and gestured to Celia to follow me.
Her arms were crossed as we walked down the stairs and then into the drawing room. I sat near a window and she finally spoke.
“You are a bit more like your father than I first realized...”
“I was tired of feeling powerless,” I said.
“I can see that. Are you sure it is necessary to double their pay? I believe ten percent would’ve served well enough,” she said.
“I don’t. In fact, I think double was too little. They are so loyal to me to the point that they will accompany me all the way to India when the time comes. That alone is worth the double pay.” I said, and she did not question it further.
“Will you still accompany Julian and me into the village?” I asked. I wanted to be away from Hilbourne, badly. It seemed like everywhere I stood I thought of Eckhardt.
“I would like that,” she began. “As long as you do not mind a companion?”
“Of course not.” I smiled at her as I said it, and she did not appear to be mad anymore.
“You are feeling up to it, then?” she asked.
“I want desperately to get away from here for a few days. I will feel safer somewhere else.” I replied.
“Very well, I shall ask that the carriage be prepared straight away. What of Julian?” she asked.
“He can sleep on the way,” I said, staring out the window.
CHAPTER 18
Julian and I asked that the inn keeper prepare a basket for us to take with us to Rhineholt. Celia would stay in town. The carriage ride was long, and we would likely not be back until that evening. When we were well on our way and were through all the usual banter, we talked about the Eckhardt Bible and then about the glass of milk.
“Fleur and Bernadine, they are positive that no one was seen? Nothing out of the ordinary?” he asked.
“They are practically my family... I think they would have told me if they saw something,” I said.
“If something had happened to you... if you had fallen from that window...” He shook his head.
I shook at the thought.
“I was not myself, I did not know where I stood until I began to fall. Everything was distorted by the opium,” I said.
“I know that... I just don’t think it’s safe for you. Just when we think we have come out of the worst... I don’t know what I would have done,” he said softly.
“They were, in a way,” he said.
“It was real enough to make you almost kill yourself.” We were silent for a long time after that before I finally spoke.
“My mother wrote about having nightmares and sleep walking. Do you think that she was given opium? If not, then is it possible that there was something wrong with her? I can’t even fathom someone poisoning her like that. She thought she was going mad. Rhineholt frightened her. She was terrified to the point of not sleeping,” I said.
“I don’t know. Who would have a motive to do something like that to her? It’s possible that she was just so overcome with fear that she was going mad. I know it hurts to hear that, but it is the only thing I can think of...” Julian rested the reins on his knees while we sat in the carriage, stopped and talking quietly.
“The only people who might have a motive that were near her always, were my Aunt and Uncle, for the inheritance. Often, my mother was alone in the house when these things happened to her. She did not suspect them of anything and certainly was not afraid of them. She knew about my Uncle’s affair with Camilla, but she cared enough for my Aunt not to tell her what was happening behind her back.” I was silent for a while, thinking about my Aunt and Uncle. They were not the kind of vengeful people who would kill for the sake of money. They were not like the Eckhardts.
“Unless the Eckhardts were after her, too,” I finally said. Julian raised an eyebrow. I thought about the letter to Damask, and how my mother wrote to the Eckhardts and agreed to keep their secret. Maybe they did not trust her to keep their name to herself.
“She did blackmail the Eckhardts for her dowry to marry my father. Could it be that they were seeking revenge on her by trying to kill her? Maybe the reason they kept that black book with all the names of the illegitimate children was so that they could kill them...” The thought was revolting, but I had such anger toward them that I could imagine anything from them. After what they did to Damask and to keep my mother quiet, and then what they did to me...
“It’s all so mysterious, and I don’t know what to make of it. The only thing I know for sure is that there is someone out there who seems to want something from me, from the Rhineholts. Am I mad for thinking that?” I asked.
“Well, most of these incidents would point to Eckhardt. He is dead, the only ones left probably don’t even know they are part of that blood line. Mrs. Eckhardt is the only one who seems to still have a motive. Fleur killed her son, perhaps she wants revenge for his death? Perhaps she holds you responsible because she does not know the entire story. Maybe it’s time we try to find out what became of her when she left Hilbourne.”
I agreed and decided that we would write to her when we arrived home. Until then, I needed to return my focus to our reason for coming out that day.
Rhineholt.
When we came through the forest, I saw what was left of the place I once called home. It was as they told me, nothing more than blackened walls of ash and darkened marble floors. The three griffons still stood facing north, left to protect the hollow shell that was once so magnificent. My heart sank. This was absolutely everything I expected to see, but it didn’t change the fact that it hurt to look upon. This was where I lost the last of my family. I was all that was left.
A single tear streamed down my cheek.
I was quiet, and Julian didn’t look at me until we were up the lane. When he saw my face he put an arm around me, and we stayed in the carriage until I calmed enough to get out. When my feet touched the ground, it felt as though I stood on foreign soil.
“The last time I stood here, I was home for the summer holiday,” I said, more to myself than to Julian. He took my hand, and we walked around the smoke stained structure. We stood in what was once the conservatory. There were still shards of glass on the ground that caught the sunlight where they were not stained with black. We walked through to the main hall. The beautiful marble floor was the only thing that hinted at what Rhineholt once was. I could still make out the gold design that glistened in the sunlight, even beneath the ashes that covered it.
As I stood there, I thought of my mother and father dancing, as I imagined them the night of Li’s wedding, and it felt as though they whirled past me. There was no doubt that there were many memories within these black-stained walls, and I was the last of the Rhineholt family, the one who would carry them all. Then I looked up to the sun and a gentle wind blew across my skin. Taking a deep breath, I let go.
There was a kind of peace, finally.
I turned to look at Julian, and I think we both believed I was moving on from the fires.
“I’m ready to go,” I said, but before I took a step, Julian put his hand out to me.
“There is more glass than I thought. Let me carry you across.” He lifted me up and carried me the way he had the night of the garden party. When he set me down on the grass he didn’t let go of me right away.
“What if we just went to Gretna Green?” he asked.
I heard stories of people eloping to Gretna Green, usually it was to escape arranged marriages, or because a child was conceived out of wedlock. Often, the stories were of society people who were trying to avoid scandal. It was a long way, but we would not be at Hilbourne, and I would be able to avoid Celia’s dress fittings with a perfect finality. Most importantly, I believe that Julian thought he could protect me better if he could share a room with me.
“Celia will be overcome with anger...” I began.
“I think she’ll be glad to finally be rid of a certain troublesome young woman. I don’t mind so much if she brushes the chaos off onto me,” he said, smirking. I scowled.
“I’m not that much more trouble than you are...”
“Yes, but I can take care of myself,” he said.
“I don’t believe that for a second,” I replied and walked ahead of him toward the carriage.
“Then that is a ‘yes’?” He was calling after me. I turned to him.
“Would we leave from town? We must at least tell Celia or she will worry,” I said.
“Of course. We will go back to town... we can leave tomorrow... or we can leave tonight... or we can just send a note to Celia and leave right now!” He was spinning me around, smiling, and I knew that I made the right decision. I would feel safe with him near me. He would protect me from my wild nightmares and anything or anyone else who dared intrude on me again.
“Let us do it, then!” He kissed me and pulled me running toward the carriage. We were laughing, and I felt free of the hold this place, that was so sacred, had on me for so long. As he lifted me into the carriage, I turned to gaze upon Rhineholt’s remains one last time and caught site of something just around the corner of Rhineholt. I put my hand on Julian’s, which held the reins.
“What is it?” He looked over at me.
“There’s one last thing I need to see,” I said, standing.
“Alright...” Julian said slowly. Then he got down from his seat and walked around to help me from mine. My feet carried me quickly and Julian barely kept up a few steps behind. I was out of breath when I reached the corner of Rhineholt that I knew so well.
My tree, the one I sat beneath many spring and summer days, and as far into the fall as Aunt Emmaline would allow. The tree was completely bare except for a small white bird that chirped a tune. It was robbed of its leaves by the bitter cold that caused my breath to come out white. I removed a glove and felt the bark rough against my fingers. It was not much, but it was a living piece of my home. My eyes moved over the branches and to the little bird and I remembered the day that Aunt Emmaline scolded Fleur for crossing through the garden. ‘This cannot not be the same bird,’ I thought.
“Whatever do you suppose she’s doing out here this time of year?” Julian broke into my thoughts, and I turned to look at him, smiling.
“I don�
�t know, but she seems happy to be here,” I said.
“It looks like something managed to escape the fire, after all.” Julian nodded toward the Rhineholt garden, and I turned to see the many bare shrubs and branches, none of which were broken or blackened. I followed the path to the bench where my Aunt would sit and keep a watchful eye on me, took a seat, and Julian sat next to me.
From where we sat, I could see into the ballroom, and I imagined my father and mother still dancing around the marble floor. I made up my mind that the next time I saw this place, it would only be to pay my respects, not to mourn my losses.
* * *
Celia was more than a little agitated at the prospect of losing her Christmas Eve ceremony and the fact that I would not be wearing her own wedding gown. She was so weary of our altercations that she finally agreed to come with us and sent along a note to Lord Hilbourne so that we could leave the following morning for Scotland, where Julian and I would be married in a hurry. We would then go back to Hilbourne for a short while to prepare and then travel to Stuttgart, hopefully catching Li and Leo before they left Anbetung.
There was no formality. The parish simply read his part, and had Julian and I speak our vows after him. He then wrapped a beautifully decorated cord around our hands and pronounced us married. I wore a simple, white day gown with a green sash. Celia lent me the white lace shawl that she brought with her. We would stay two nights at the inn, and then we would depart for Hilbourne. We were told that we were given the nicest room at the inn to celebrate our wedding, Julian and I laughed when we saw it. It was not a spectacular way of doing things, but I was happier for it. Li’s wedding was beautiful, but I did not want all the commotion and neither did Julian. Not to mention I had strung him along so much over the past year, he was probably happy that I couldn’t change my mind again, at the last minute.
The journey back from Gretna Green was just over a day, so we stopped in Nottingham for a night before going on to the inn we had left only a few days before. The weather was chilly and winter was well under way, the path in town was covered with the fallen leaves. Julian went to see Creeda while Celia and I did a bit of shopping before we had our tea time back at the inn. We would depart for Hilbourne Abbey early the following morning.