A small smile lifted her frown, but she broke eye contact. “Just tired. It was a long night for all of us.”
“Sorry, darlin’. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Her face was unreadable. Slipping an arm around her waist, he pulled her closer. “I could sure use a kiss.”
Complying, she gently pressed her mouth to his. He felt a reticence in the kiss and guessed she was worried she might hurt him. His thumping head forgotten, he kissed her more surely.
When he finally released her, her face was flushed, her lips slightly swollen, and her eyes had darkened to a deep forest green. If only his head didn’t hurt, he’d be out of bed and they’d be on their way to someplace more private.
“Everyone is eager to see you,” she said as she eased away and moved off the bed.
He held on to her hand, reluctant to let go for any reason. “You’re the one I want right now, darlin’.”
Slipping out of his grasp, she smiled. “They’ve been as worried as I have, Tanner.”
She ducked out the door before he could answer. Her concern for his family only increased his love for her. But damn! He’d wanted to be alone with her for just a little longer.
Shawn and Bridey entered the room first, and Rowdy and Dusty followed, with Jules scooting in last. Their voices were hushed at first, but soon they’d all gathered around his bed, all talking at once. Tanner tried to sort through each of their versions of his ride.
“You sure got your daddy’s talent,” Rowdy told him when quiet descended again.
“For getting thrown and stomped, too, it seems,” Tanner answered wryly, fingering the gauze on his head. “But I got lucky. I know now just how lucky.” He looked from his foreman to Jules, who stood away from the group. Having her there and knowing she hadn’t run off only confirmed that he’d hit the best lucky streak of his life when he’d met her. He needed some time alone with her. He needed to tell her how much she meant to him. He needed to tell her he loved her and wanted a future with her.
She smiled at him. “Why don’t I let you all have some time together?”
“Don’t run off, darlin’,” he told her as she turned to leave. “They’ll be letting me out of here in a few hours, and we’ll go home.” The sound of the word warmed his heart. He turned to Dusty. “You planning to be in San José next weekend?”
Dusty patted his side. “These old ribs are all healed up. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What about you?”
“I’ll be in Nebraska.”
“The Oregon Trail Rodeo? That’s a good one.”
Out of the corner of his eye Tanner saw the look on Jules’s face. She stood with her back to the door, her eyes on him.
“Jules?” he asked, not sure what was wrong.
“You can’t be serious about riding next weekend, Tanner.”
“Of course I am, darlin’.”
The others stepped away from the bed, and he had a clear view of her. The horror in her eyes baffled him, and when she spoke, her voice was strained. “You have a concussion and stitches in your head, and you’re going to ride again? Isn’t nearly getting yourself killed enough for you?”
Tanner blinked, then stared at her. “You fall off a horse, you get right back on.”
Her chin went up and her words were ice-coated. “You didn’t fall off a horse. You were kicked by one. Apparently it did more damage than they thought.”
He gripped the edge of the blanket in his hands. Anger and fear took over, and he prayed he could keep his voice from shaking. “Jules, darlin’, I’m fine. This isn’t any kind of setback. It’s nothing that’ll stop me from riding again. I’ll be fine in a week. I don’t have a choice. As it is, this little mishap has probably put me behind in the standings.”
“And that’s what’s important to you? The standings?”
“It’s what’s always been important, darlin’. You know that.” It was as if his family had disappeared, and all he could see was Jules. Somehow he had to make her understand. “I’m going to Finals this year. And if something happens and I don’t make the cut, I’ll try again next year, and the next, until I do.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “And I want you with me.”
Her head moved slowly back and forth. “I…I can’t, Tanner,” she whispered loudly enough for him to catch her words. “I just can’t watch you, knowing the next time you might be hurt worse. Or killed.” Spinning around, she threw open the door and ran from the room.
No one moved or said anything, until Dusty touched his shoulder. “She’ll be okay. The last couple of days have been hard on her, but she’ll be back.”
Tanner stared at the spot where she had been, not believing what had just happened. Unable to stand it any longer, he closed his eyes against the stinging sensation in them. “Don’t count on it.”
Chapter Eleven
Jules balanced a box of personal belongings from her office and fought her key into the lock of her apartment. She could hear the phone ringing inside, but her fingers were all thumbs and nothing was going right. Finally she felt the click of the tumblers and nearly fell inside when the door swung open. Setting the box on the floor and nudging the door shut with her hip, she heard the last of her outgoing message and then Beth’s voice.
“Jules, if you’re there, pick up the phone.”
Jules kicked off her wet shoes at the same time she lunged for the phone.
“Okay,” Beth said, “if you’re not there—”
“Beth? I’m here. Hang on a minute.” Jules cradled the phone between her neck and shoulder. Her suit jacket, damp from the rainy day, clung to her as she tried to remove it. She put the phone down and peeled the sticking garments from her body, stripping down to her slip.
“…are you doing?” Beth was saying when Jules had picked up the phone again and curled up on her sofa.
“I just walked in the door when the answering machine picked up. It’s pouring rain out there and I’m a soaking mess.”
“Do you want to call me back? I can wait until you get changed.”
“No need for that. I’m fine.”
“Did you get your packing done?”
Jules shivered and grabbed the fuzzy blue throw from the back of the sofa, covering herself and tucking her feet beneath her. She was ready for a long chat. It had been weeks since she had last talked to her best friend. “The office is empty and the movers have taken everything to storage.”
“You’ve certainly been busy since we talked the last time.”
“Busier than I’ve ever been, but I’m loving it.” Jules knew Beth hadn’t called to talk about the closing of her law office. After she’d called Beth on her return from Vinita and told her about Tanner’s accident and how she’d been unable to deal with it, the few times Beth had called, Jules had refused to talk about it anymore. She was certain Beth wouldn’t let go of it, and it had to be what was on her mind this time. It had been five weeks since she’d left Tanner at the hospital, and although she missed him terribly, she wasn’t ready to revisit the subject.
“My courses are more interesting than I’d imagined,” she continued, keeping the subject as far from Tanner as possible.
“Jules—”
“We’re moving along with Joey’s case, too. It looks promising,” she rushed on, hoping Beth would take the hint. “I’m really hopeful the court will place him back with his mother.”
“Jules—”
“I can’t tell you how helpful my law experience is. And not only am I continuing work with Joey, I’m working with another child, too. It all means I don’t have a lot of spare time, but—”
“Jules, I was out at the ranch yesterday.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, Jules’s heart skipped a beat. When would she ever get over him? “How is everyone?” she managed to ask.
Beth’s exasperation showed in her sigh. “Can’t you even ask about Tanner?”
Jules took a deep breath. For the first couple of weeks after she’d left him, she’d been prepared for a call from Tanne
r or even a visit and been ready to stand firm about her decision. But she hadn’t seen or heard from him and tried desperately not to wonder why. It was over. There was nothing good in thinking about something that would never be.
“How does he look?” she asked, knowing she shouldn’t.
“Well, he looked a little funny for a while with that spot where they shaved the back of his head, but—”
“Beth, you know what I mean.” Now that Beth had opened up the subject like an old wound, Jules needed to hear it all.
Silence greeted her from the other end of the line. She felt like screaming before her friend spoke again.
“Anybody looking at him would see the same Tanner, I guess. He doesn’t seem to be suffering any repercussions from the accident.”
“I’m glad,” Jules answered with a sigh of relief. She’d worried herself sick that something might have happened that they hadn’t foreseen. The possibility of vision problems or memory loss had crossed her mind more than once.
“Don’t be too glad,” Beth replied. “That’s only what somebody who didn’t know him would think. But I know him. He isn’t unaffected by this, Jules. One look in his eyes and it’s plain to see what it’s done to him.”
Jules fought back memories, not willing to admit how much she missed him. “He’ll get over it,” she whispered.
“He’s like a lost little boy,” Beth went on. “It’s as if he lost his soul.”
Jules wanted to tell her that he wasn’t the only one who’d lost something, but she didn’t want Beth to remind her that it was her own fault if she hurt. “Give him time. He hasn’t contacted me, so obviously I wasn’t as important to him as you think I was.”
“His riding suffered.”
Guilt hit Jules like a sledgehammer, but she refused to give in. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you?”
“Of course I am!” Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Jules knew it was time she was honest, not only with Beth, but with herself. “I know that my fear is what forced me to leave, but I can’t deal with Tanner’s riding, Beth. I just can’t.”
“How hard have you tried?”
“I’ve spoken with a therapist,” Jules admitted.
“That’s it?”
“I’m working on it, Beth, but even once I conquer that, if I ever do, there are still the differences between us.” Tears threatened and her throat closed around her words. “I’m moving on, Beth. I’ve left my law practice behind. I’m going after my dreams.”
On the other end of the connection, she heard Beth’s snort. “And I guess Tanner doesn’t fit in those dreams.”
Jules closed her eyes, but Tanner’s face floated through her mind. “No more than I fit into his.”
For a moment there was silence. “He’s caught up with the leader, and we’re all convinced he’ll be going to Las Vegas to National Finals,” Beth answered. “One more win is all he needs.”
Jules had admitted to herself that she had been foolish to think Tanner would quit because of a concussion and a few stitches, or because of her. He’d been born to ride broncs. He might have loved her, might still, but rodeo had been his life for too long. How could she have ever dared think he might give it up just because she couldn’t deal with it?
“Jules, he loves you,” Beth said, interrupting her thoughts. “Everybody knows it. Isn’t there some way you can handle his riding for a while? He’s so close. He needs you.”
“No, Beth, I can’t. I thought I could. I really did. I tried. But when I saw that hoof come down on him, I thought I’d lost him. And when he told me he planned to continue to ride, I knew I couldn’t go through it again.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Please understand that.”
Beth’s sniff traveled the distance between them. “I do. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. I love you both, and it hurts to see the two of you apart. You belong together.”
“We’re too different.”
“That’s why you’re perfect for each other. I see how much you’ve changed since you met him.”
“Yes, he changed me,” Jules admitted. “But I can’t become the woman he needs. A woman who doesn’t die a little each time he climbs on the back of a bucking bronc.”
JULES STOOD at the window, staring without seeing the gray November evening. The day had been more than depressing. When she had returned to Wichita after leaving Tanner in Vinita, she had been reassigned to Joey Martin’s case. As court advocate for the boy, it was her responsibility to speak for him, and she was completely convinced he should be with his mother. The hearing date had been postponed several times, but it had finally been held that afternoon. The judge had ordered Joey to remain in foster care for at least three more months, if not longer. It was the worst thing that could happen to the boy, but there was nothing she could do or change. She felt completely incompetent, even more than she had when she’d gone to stay in Desperation to help with Beth’s wedding.
Raindrops slid forlornly down the glass, joining others on their slow journey until, together, they fell out of sight. The evening offered the same gloom she felt.
Lonely. The word whispered through her mind but didn’t come close to conveying the emptiness she felt. Nearly three months had passed since she’d walked out of Tanner’s hospital room and his life, and the pain had finally been replaced by numbness. She had closed her law office almost two months ago and focused on Joey, making him all that mattered. But now nothing did. Even her dream seemed distant. If she couldn’t help Joey, she couldn’t help herself. Her future stretched ahead of her, and there was nothing there but loneliness.
Drawing a trembling breath, she turned away, determined to change her mood. In her bedroom, her melancholy seeped through her defenses, chilling her, and she shivered. Slipping out of the suit she’d worn for court, she kicked off her shoes and pulled on a pair of jeans, a fleece sweatshirt and bulky wool socks.
She padded to the kitchen, feeling warmer on the outside, but still raw on the inside. Memories continued to pound at her, but she pushed them aside as she automatically fixed herself a cup of hot tea. When it was ready, she took the steaming, earthenware mug to the living room and set it on the end table, ready to sink onto the sofa and indulge herself.
The incessant buzzing of the doorbell interrupted her. During one of their phone calls, Beth had mentioned stopping by and had included a suggestion of a movie. But Jules didn’t feel up to going out, even though she knew it would probably do her good.
“Come on in,” she said morosely, swinging the door open—only to stop, stunned.
Shifting from one foot to the other was Shawn O’Brien. He looked down, avoiding eye contact. “I need to talk to you.”
She peered behind him into the hallway. “Are you alone?”
He nodded and glanced up, sheepishly. “Is it okay?”
“Of course it’s okay.” She took his hand and drew him inside. Gesturing toward one end of the sofa, she curled up in the opposite end and waited for him to sit. “How did you get here?” Shawn took the seat she indicated and continued to avoid looking directly at her. “I drove.”
“You drove.” She knew he only had a restricted license. She also knew neither Tanner nor Rowdy would have given him permission to make the three-and-a-half-hour drive alone to Wichita. “Did someone come with you, Shawn?”
He shook his head, his gaze on the floor near his feet. “No, I just got in the old ranch pickup and drove.”
Her first thought was that he’d run away. Tanner didn’t need this. Tanner didn’t deserve it. She felt a small amount of alarm, but knew better than to let Shawn see it. Working with troubled teens had taught her to stay calm and get the facts before reacting.
“So nobody knows you’re here?” she asked.
“Nope.” He glanced at her, his eyes hard with stubborn determination.
“Shawn, have you and your uncle had a disagreement?”
“I’m mad at him.” He hesitated befor
e giving her an accusing glare. “And you.”
“Me?” Stunned, Jules shifted on the sofa.
“Why’d you run off?” he demanded. “Everything was finally getting good. You rode a horse like you used to and promised to help me find my dad. And Uncle Tanner was doing good, too.” Eyes suddenly alight, he rushed on, “He has enough points to go to Finals. And he’s been really different since he met you.” His smile disappeared. “At least he was. Bridey said before we went to Vinita that she’d never seen him so happy and easygoing. And Rowdy said he’d never ridden that good. Not ever. And he’s okay, you know. So can’t you come back?”
Unable to speak, she shook her head. Shawn’s face crumpled, breaking her already aching heart. “I’m sorry, Shawn, I just can’t,” she whispered.
His jaw hardened, reminding her of his uncle. “Why not?” he demanded, and then shook his head. “I don’t understand any of this.”
Jules forced back the tears that threatened. She didn’t want Shawn to see her cry, didn’t want to hurt him any more than she had wanted to hurt Tanner. She considered lying, but Shawn would catch on someday if he didn’t immediately. She didn’t want him to hate her, but she had to tell him the truth.
Digging her nails into her palms, she told him what she could. “It scares me, Shawn. I just can’t watch him ride those broncs.”
“But you did!” he said, leaning toward her. “You went to all those rodeos and sat there and watched. I know it bothered you, but you did it.”
Jules took a deep breath and wondered what she could say to make him understand. “Yes, I did. But when I saw that horse’s hooves come down on him, I just…” She closed her eyes, willing herself to go on. “I can’t, Shawn. I just can’t. It’s more than I can take.”
“That’s nuts,” he said. “You’re one of the bravest people I know, Jules. It took a lot of guts to get on that horse, but you did. I know how scared you were. If you can do that, you can do anything.”
She stood, turning her back to him so he wouldn’t see the tears she could no longer stop. “It isn’t the same thing, Shawn,” she managed to say with only the slightest hint of how she’d begun to fall apart. “You’ll understand it someday. Right now you’ll have to take my word for it.”
The Rodeo Rider (Harlequin American Romance) Page 16
