Then, after the talk only therapy was done, they advanced to the next stage. It was time to actually to experience those fears head on to conquer them. First, Katie was charged to go out and sit in the car, all the while working on her reactions and her breathing techniques to bring her emotions down. She numbered her emotional level and needed to bring it down to three from the typical nine or ten that she felt her fear was at, which was uncontrollable fear to controllable fear.
Next, was turning the car on, and then driving the ranch. That progressed to the road in the opposite direction from Elk Ridge towards Bhaile Haven. Then she was going to drive towards town. It took bringing Ciarán with her for a few trips before she would go with just Jocelyn. After a few more trips, Jocelyn moved to the back seat. Finally, Jocelyn and Ciarán watched as she drove out of the north gate, onto the road just as she had that fateful morning of the kidnapping. Within two minutes of her disappearing outside of the gate, Ciarán's phone rang and he started to go get her; she was hysterical. Jocelyn told him not to rescue her.
"What do you mean, don't go get her? She is hysterical, Jocelyn. I have to go get her."
"Don't. We have done this repeatedly. Let me talk to her. Ciarán, give me your phone."
Ciarán was angry and upset with his sister-in-law. "I'm going to get her."
Jocelyn put her hand on his arm and squeezed. "Ciarán, I'm not being mean here. I love her too, but if we do not break this hold, then she will be like this forever. She will always be afraid to drive into town. You will be the one driving to all appointments, she won't go to Missoula, kids' sports events, groceries, or anywhere else that makes her drive north. You have to let me finish this. If you love her, you will tell her you need her to drive."
Jocelyn tried to calm Katie down on the phone, but her voice just wouldn't break through her panic. Jocelyn looked at Ciarán and they held an unspoken plea to talk his wife through it. Ciarán took a deep breath and roughly took the phone from Jocelyn.
With one more second of calming and taking one final tension releasing breath, he started to speak to Katie with gentle but firm words, "Katherine? Katie, hon, can you hear me?" she continued to cry. Ciarán looked at Jocelyn as though to say, I told you I need to go get her.
"Get firm with her. Talk to her as though you wanted her to do something, she isn't doing it, and it's important. It's a safety issue and a trust issue. Ciarán it's an issue of security. Now is the time to go all 'dom husband' on her to get through to her."
Ciarán waited a few seconds to decide if he was going to do this, and agreed it was a protection issue and if she couldn't get past this, then he couldn't let her drive alone anymore. She needed to trust him when he said she would be all right.
Ciarán's tone changed to one of command and authority but at great personal emotional sacrifice. The tone deepened, got quieter and stronger. "Katherine O'Connor. Can. You. Hear. Me?" Both Jocelyn and Ciarán held their breath to see if she would respond. The crying seemed to let up a bit.
"Katherine, can you hear me?" Crying diminished considerably and he could hear sniffs and hiccups.
"Yes. Ciarán are you angry?" That one question almost broke Ciarán, but he took another cleansing breath and continued.
"No, sweetie, but you need to listen to me. Are you listening, mo chroí?"
"Yes. Can you come get me? Please, Ciarán, come and get me, I'm scared."
That almost did it for Ciarán. He had never allowed her to be afraid if he could help it. Hadn't she suffered enough fear already? It was his job, his damn privilege to keep her safe, protect her. Nevertheless, what Jocelyn said did ring true. It was a safety issue he needed to solve right now, she could drive or not and it was a trust issue. Katie didn't always believe that he knew how to take care of her or what the best thing for her was, and he needed to reinforce it now when she was the most vulnerable, but damn if he wasn't going to rip his heart out doing it. He gave himself a pep talk. So, get to it. She is the most important thing to you. She is counting on you coming through for her no matter how hard it is.
"No. Katherine, listen to me carefully. I want you to do what you started to do, what you need to do. You have worked hard to get to today. I need you to take yourself all the way to town, without anyone with you. Do you hear me? This is a lesson in trust, sweetie. I would never do anything purposefully to cause you to come to harm. Trust me, Katie."
"Yes, I know, but, Ciarán I can't. I'm too afraid. Kie can you please come and get me? I need you to come get me. Please."
"No, mo chroí, I know you are scared, but it's important. Listen to me. You do not want to be stuck at home when our children need to go places. You won't be able to take them to the doctor, school, activities—nothing. You will be stuck at home and the kids will too unless I can fetch them. You won't be able to go see your dad unless I have time to bring you. Buying groceries, Christmas shopping, and many other things won't be something you will be able to do unless you conquer this fear. If you don't, I won't be able to let you drive because it will be a safety issue."
"Ciarán, I don't know if I can, I'm not feeling strong enough, and I need your strength. I will try again another time, I promise."
Ciarán had to harden his heart to continue talking on the phone and not go get her. "You can do this because I will be right here with you, but on the phone. You say you trust me, now prove it. Put your car back in gear, check traffic, pull back out, and drive all the way to Doc Ames' place. I'll sit on the phone until you get there."
The hesitation and silence was like a kick in the gut for Ciarán, but he was desperately hoping she would go it alone. He knew she needed it. He knew Jocelyn was right, even though he would have cheerfully sent her back to Liam and ended it right there.
Finally, Katie indicated she was following his directions and pulling out onto the road. With Ciarán talking to her all the way, she made it to town and with more encouragement, she drove back home collapsing in Ciarán's arms when she got there. It was a few more trips until she had no more than a slight hesitation. Both Jocelyn and Ciarán finally cleared her to drive alone and unattended. After a few more weeks, she happily took her public nurse job back on a part-time basis. Her husband knew what he was talking about.
Next was the fear of intimacy to the point of making love and the agony of exposure therapy continued. Ciarán was again, a full participant in these exercises and had been working on gentling her fears almost immediately after the incident. So by the time they had only that to concentrate on, it happened rather quicker than Jocelyn had imagined. She knew they practiced several times a day, but she underestimated the skill of Ciarán to gentle a skittish mare or his lover. Soon, Katie was engaging in the act of making sweet, gentle love. Ciarán would have plenty of time to work out what would be comfortable for them. He had done it before; he could do it again and would.
The rest of the holidays were a quiet affair in the O'Connor family. Everyone wanted to spend it with their own individual families so once again, Brian came for dinner with Katherine and Ciarán. Kelli and Parker were going to his parents' home where Liam and Ciarán were told, Parker was going to propose to Kelli, "If she behaves." Liam laughed at that and Ciarán told Parker that if he expected Kelli to behave often, then maybe he should reconsider his proposal. Parker chuckled and shook his head rubbing his hands together suggestively.
After hours of teasing and sexual frustration but no sex, and then working their way up to finally engaging in the gentle coming together, Katie thought they were done. Then when Jocelyn was going to move to more specifically intimate areas, Ciarán thanked her but put an end to the therapy.
"A stór, I can handle things from here."
Jocelyn blushed. "Yes, I'm sure you can. I'm glad because, frankly, I'm not sure if I could do more comfortably."
"Ciarán, I'm not going to ask and I do not want you to tell me about your intimacy, but I want you to know that Katie mentioned a while ago that you and she experimented in what she thought was
a bit more exciting than regular sex. I do not know specifics, and do not want to know what she was talking about, but I can generally guess." She took a deep breath to get through this difficult last part.
"Therefore, if there is anything in that element of your lives that mimics anything that might have happened to Katie either in college or at the cabin, you have to go slow and let her ease back into it if she will. She seemed to enjoy whatever that element was, so I feel, with time and careful exposure you will get there again. Things she might have experienced earlier but was able to re-experience with you may now be something she resists because everything was renewed in her memory. And that is all I'm going to say on the subject of your sex life." Jocelyn's relief was tangible. "Oh, and don't even hint that I said anything about your intimate relations because I'm sure Liam wouldn't understand, not the therapy, not the exercises, not this conversation. Liam would come unglued and I would have to defend my position or he might reposition me. "
"Oh, I'm not mentioning any of it, no problems there. I will take it from here," he assured Jocelyn.
*****
Slowly, through experimentation and exploration, just as they did when they were first married, Ciarán and Katie rebuilt their intimate relations from cuddling to foreplay to hot and wild sex, one orgasm at a time. Ciarán was patient and kind and Katie was determined and willing. There were things that she had to attempt multiple times before she was able to allow Ciarán access. Access to things that they had established and enjoyed earlier but were challenging now. Control techniques such as Ciarán putting his hands in her hair, using it, not cruelly but firmly, to hold her in place that used to excite her was not easy for her to allow again.
Similarly, Ciarán tweaking her sensitive nipples or doing anything with her breasts seemed to be a trigger that would take some time to get totally past, especially since they were now even more sensitive with her pregnancy. However, what worked in their favor was that being pregnant, her hormones screamed that she wanted to make love, so passion and need often ruled the day.
Sometimes Katie was so overwhelmed that she was tempted to use her safe word, 'cricket' because her senses were overloading. However, Ciarán had learned to be in tune with her and he would react without the word. It was then that they decided on a slowdown word and Katie chose 'yellow'. It seemed appropriate and she couldn't think of anything that would come to mind effortlessly. Katie used it several times at the very start of trying to get back where they were.
Katie settled back to a comfortable routine and Ciarán was already working on setting up for the spring breeding in the throes of winter. While he was working less, he was still usually working regular days. Katie was only working twenty to twenty-five hours per week so she had to be creative on how to fill her time. She decided to go to Sheridan and instead of getting Ciarán angry, she decided to do it his way and take the airplane. She even had him take her to the airport. Before she had gone, she did her ten hours on Monday. Even though it was not Ciarán's first choice, he did nothing more than grumble and growl some before giving in. Not that she would have done the hours differently but Ciarán would have been more irritable.
Katie was sure her now too complacent husband wouldn't have said anything anyway. He had not spanked her or even threatened to discipline her, which she knew if he threatened, he would have to carry through with if she pushed him… She contemplated goading him, or creating a reason for Ciarán to heat her butt so that she knew everything was back to normal, but he wouldn't be provoked into action.
A few times she felt sure she had tipped the scales, but while he appeared to want to, he didn't do more than walk off. While she was glad not to worry about that result, she knew that Ciarán had made it abundantly clear that he protected her because he loved her and if he had to warm her butt occasionally then he would. Not even in the bedroom where he was so good at erotic spanking to make the play hot and steamy did she get a swat or smack. Was it also a measurement of his love? Did it indicate how much he actually cared?
Now, with Katie's pregnancy, he was more confining, more intense in what she did and then, when she would decide he was over the top controlling, he simply shut down and left. He was excited when talking about the baby and their plans but when she was positive she would get a butt warming for ignoring him on a few things, she didn't. Like the other day, she had driven from the north gate to the south gate, where he was working, without her seatbelt. It had been an accident because she had planned just to take the inner road they often used to get to parts of the ranch, but she had decided to zip up on the main road and get there faster, without engaging her seatbelt.
Liam and a few other workers were there with Ciarán. Liam was the first to discover the missing protection. He was in the middle of telling her she was not as sorry as she would be when Ciarán found out and as Ciarán arrived, listening to the issue, Liam gave Katie a sympathetic but exasperated look and left her to Ciarán. Then, Ciarán lectured and Katie expected him to tell her to be ready for more conversation later, but he didn't. He kissed her, listened to her original reason for coming to see him, kissed her again, waited until her seatbelt was fastened and waved her on.
Stupid and irrational though it might seem, she wanted him to tattoo her butt soundly to tell her he still cared. Katie even thought she would ask for one but chickened out. Maybe some time away from home would make Ciarán realize that she was still his to protect and that she had come to rely on and even need his brand of love, protection, and correction. He was a man of his word and he had not even threatened to lay a hand on her bottom since the Labor Day weekend. Was that September? Four months ago, and since she didn't have a mother to talk to of her own, she went to the only one he had, Ciarán's mom, Mom O.
Several days ago, she had gotten on the phone and cried her confusion, fears, and loneliness to her mother-in-law. She got the response she had hoped she would hear. "Come see me, mo iníon; mo iníon milis. My poor sweet daughter needs some mothering. You have not had a chance to fit all your crazy life back into perfect order. Come see me. Do I need to call Ciarán and tell him you need to come? Is he stopping you from doing anything; these O'Connor men tend to be possessive…"
"No, he lets me do whatever I want, actually and even if he doesn't want me to do something, he just tells me I shouldn't and doesn't do anything but walk off if I don't agree." Tears fell fast and furious when she began to talk about some of her pain.
"Ah, now I'm starting to see some of the problems. You come stay the week with Da and me and then we'll send you home on the weekend, yes?"
"Okay, I'll be there Tuesday morning after I work at the Bhaile Haven Monday."
Relieved she would get someone who understood the issues, she would get it all out and get the conversation she longed for. Mom O would help Katie figure things out. Nevertheless, that didn't make it any easier when she told Ciarán she was going to his parents' home Tuesday. He did nothing more than ask a couple of questions and told her it was a good idea. Maybe he really didn't care as much now as he had. Oh, he loved the baby and helped her past her fears but maybe she had been too much work. Maybe she was too much in the damaged goods department for him. Maybe he was just used to working with high needs cattle so much that she was just another job.
He would have let her drive to the airport herself if she had not hesitated about going to Missoula and said she would go to Butte. Butte was acceptable but almost twice as far and the roads were not nearly as good through the 'Hole' going to Butte, especially in winter. Ciarán had growled, run his hands through his hair, and said she was going to Missoula and someone would drive her. He said it in an exasperated tone. It was as though she were a burden. Maybe she was.
Before all of this had happened, she would have begged to be allowed to drive in the winter to Missoula and would have lost that battle. Now that he let her drive herself, finally, all she felt was unloved, unprotected, and altogether uncared for. Their physical lovemaking had gotten better, but the
ir practical, everyday life was getting worse.
Frustrated, she slammed into the bathroom, no longer concerned about his reaction to the display of irritation, and took a long hot soak. Ciarán picked up the phone to his mother and began earnestly talking to her. Like a similar phone call with Katie, that good woman sat and listened to her son pour out his frustrations, fears, and his urgent request to figure out what was wrong with his wife. He wanted to help her. She assured him she would do her best.
Ciarán told Katie that he expected her to be careful while she was gone and not do anything that would get her in trouble.
Katie's face got that mischievous look and she smiled salaciously and said, "I'll try, but what if I can't help myself?"
Desperately hoping that he would offer to warm her butt or promise some corrective behavior, she was disappointed. After suppressing what he evidently wanted to say, he merely shrugged his shoulders ending with some lame type of personal consequence like getting hurt.
The hurt must have been evident on her face for Katie saw the bewildered look on Ciarán's face. As Katie slammed out of the room to pack, she changed her plan. Forget it, she would call the home tonight and tell whoever answered that she wouldn't be in this week, only to have Jocelyn pick up the phone. "Oh, why are you there so late?"
"A question I'm sure Liam is asking. Wow, I guess I had better go soon. Look, I won't be in until after lunch tomorrow because I stayed so late. I need to take Paddy to the doctor because I can't seem to get rid of this cold. It has been over a week and he spikes a temperature every evening. Doc Ames said to bring him in just to make sure he doesn't have an ear infection or something."
"You want me to come over and see him tonight?"
"Nope, I'll take him in tomorrow to Doc. Numbers are not expected to change this week, so I'm coming in just a few times unless things change."
Katie Consents (Ciaran O'Connor Book 3) Page 7
