"Okay, well since I was calling to check to see if we are getting any new families or anything that I needed to do especially before I go to Sheridan on Tuesday, I think I have my answer."
"Nah, why don't you just take Monday off as well and make it the whole week off?"
"I just might do that. Hope Paddy is better soon. Give him a kiss from his Auntie Katherine."
"I will. Enjoy mom and da's."
"I will."
The plan that was not really a plan until she spoke to Jocelyn became the idea that sparked the movement. Katie got up the next morning and cooked Ciarán's lunch for him and there was enough to eat it for supper if he wanted. On the other hand, if he didn't come home, he would eat with Liam at his house which he had begun doing. He would have enough for supper twice. She threw her bag into the car. He was a big boy. Then she felt guilty so she left Ciarán a note saying she loved him and would see him in a week, and took off.
She grabbed her keys and left. He had not been too upset the last time she had gone alone, but she had called him. Today, she had not. She got to Sheridan before Ciarán would have suspected because she had driven her own car and he expected her to work late. She responded to his texts throughout the day, as she would have if she was working and since Jocelyn was not going to be any wiser until she got home that evening, she wouldn't have been able to stop her or spill the beans.
"I don't know why I'm even worried about it because I know that Ciarán won't say or do anything really. He might get mad, but after a few, lukewarm words, he will turn and walk away so I might as well do what I want."
Katie grumbled and complained to her empty car the whole trip. The trouble was that she really wasn't sure what she was vehemently denigrating as she knew her husband believed in discipline. It had become part of who she was. Yes, she had originally said she wanted a non-disciplining husband, but she basically didn't want that anymore. That was the lifestyle he was currently giving her and she was absolutely miserable. Things had changed. They were different—she was different.
Actually, she later told Siobhan, that if she were truthful, it wasn't at all what she wanted anymore. At first, she was upset that Ciarán was so demanding, so controlling and was not positive that she could deal with it. Later, their relationship had been so intense, that she felt she wasn't ever going to be okay with less intensity. She never doubted that her husband would move heaven and earth to keep her happy, healthy, and safe.
So the week's routine began. Katie would talk to Siobhan, who, when appropriate, would talk to Da for his input and then Ciarán would call Katie to check on her. Katie would spend the day with Mom O and they would talk about all kinds of things but always had time to add Ciarán to the day's conversations.
Katie was exhausted at the end of every day after baring her soul about everything, and through all of that, she began to settle the pieces of her life back in place. Parenthood, marriage, finances, time management, loneliness, love, were all discussed during preparing meals, going shopping, sewing, watching chick flicks, garden planning, everything.
By the end of the week, Katie told Siobhan that she was one of the things that she would never regret, finally getting a mom. That made Siobhan cry, but it was a good cry and Katie joined in, thinking she had cried herself out, but thanks to her ramped up hormones there never seemed to be an end to her supply.
At the end of the week, instead of leaving on Sunday, she decided to leave on Friday, before the family got up because she was sure Da or any of the other men in the family would have bodily taken her keys if they had known. She did check the weather and it seemed like it was going to be clear, having learned that lesson the hard way by experience and Ciarán's method of revisiting the issue. His old technique that was. She had decided to get her life back on track and that included her husband. This was the last major step to putting her life back in order. She intended to stay the course until the goal was met.
Cleansed, renewed, but ready for home, Katie took off after leaving a note with the family, and on the road, she went. Right about the time she expected it, there was a telephone call from a worried Siobhan, who was trying to get Katie to turn around, and then an angry Sean, demanding the same. Thanks to her Bluetooth, she was able to talk to them and then finally point out that she had been in Montana for quite some time and was not far from Billings, so sending Quinlan wouldn't work or anyone else.
It was almost three pm before she pulled up to her house. Ciarán's truck was gone and he was probably working. She called his cell phone to tell him she was home and when it went to voice, she sent a text. She sent a similar text to Jocelyn and called Siobhan so she could alert the troops to stand down.
Siobhan said she had called Ciarán earlier in the day to let him know. "I had to, a stór, he is your husband and he needed to know you were out driving home, in case something happened."
"I know, but he won't do more than complain a bit. It's okay. I should have called him myself."
"Katie, I wouldn't be so sure, he didn't sound happy, dear."
"Oh, I'm confident he wasn't but that was the old Ciarán. The new Ciarán will lecture lightly and leave the room. I'm going to take a bath and then a nap. Talk soon."
*****
Expecting her home around quitting time, he decided to go ahead and work the day, finishing when he was hungry. Walking into the front entry and divesting himself of his work boots and coat, he had spent the last hour going over the things that he had learned while his wife was in Sheridan. Still not sure that he was on the right track, he smiled when he thought of his parents. His mother was a great informer and so he needed to remember that she wasn't the best secret keeper and to be judicious in his conversation with her in future. His Da was actually more than a gruff Irishman, who raised dependable kids and worked hard. He knew quite a lot about what wives needed from their husbands. What his darling wife didn't know is that his parents told him what he needed to fix his marriage and it made him smile.
Ciarán often spoke to Liam, not because he had the most experience, but because he was closest and knew Katie the best. They spent some time while Katie was in Sheridan, working through several things and finally, he spoke to Jocelyn. Not because he wanted her to know about their marriage, but hoping she would have some insight into his wife's thinking.
What she said was interesting.
"Are you afraid that Katie is too fragile for your brand of authority?"
"Now? Of course. She has been through too much. She can't deal with more."
"So, you don't think that safety is as essential as it once was?"
Ciarán looked at her as though she had lost her mind. "What? Of course, it is. More so now with her being pregnant and all that she has gone through."
"And you protect her because you love her?"
"Sure. Where are you going with all of this?"
Jos held up her hand. "And were safety issues negotiable before or would you overlook them?"
"You know I never did."
"Hmm. Have there been any incidents of disregarding safety since she had returned from her ordeal?"
"Several." The light was coming on.
"Did you respond the same?"
"No." He ran his hand through his hair and looked to the sky. "Damn."
Jos was not quite done. "Do you hold the same high standards for those, not your family?"
"Nope."
"So," she concluded, "if you protected her because you loved her, and wouldn't allow her to jeopardize her safety without repercussions and yet, now, there were no repercussions what does that communicate? If there were no consequences just as there were none for those you don't love and care about, would that make her think you don't cherish her? Would that lead her and others to conclude the connection was gone between you two?"
"You are a genius. I get it now. I love you."
"I know. What's a sister for if she can't tell her brother what an ass he has been?"
"Well, possibly suitable for a
smacked bottom if her mouth doesn't change its tune." She laughed as she cocked her eyes impishly in his direction, lifting her cheek for his kiss before leaving.
Ciarán answered her invitation, kissed his brother's wife tenderly on the cheek, and said she was in the right profession. He thanked God she was his brother's wife and his sister. With his thinking going in a different direction now, he began reshaping his plan and his response to his wife would need to change, but he was ready to make the change. He was more than ready. What he had been doing was so against his creed that he was unconsciously putting up a wall between him and Katherine.
Therefore, when Katie drove to his parents' home, a fact he didn't know until later in the week, and then she left two days early when he was planning on flying up Saturday, he was worried and livid. Liam told him to get the anger out during the day because he would have to be calm and put together to handle things well when she got home.
Mrs. O'Malley had made extra dinner and sent someone over to Ciarán's at four-thirty to put it in the oven for them. Ciarán walked in while Katie was on the phone to thank Mrs. O'Malley. Oddly, Mrs. O'Malley asked if Ciarán had come home yet and if not, to have dinner ready to serve when he did because it was best served hot. Katie had the salad all ready and she put the garlic bread in, the lasagna having been sitting out for fifteen minutes in preparation for Ciarán coming home.
The aroma of home cooking permeated the house and Ciarán was instantly starving. She offered him a quick shower before dinner but, Katie said, a quick one or "I will be eating this alone." Ciarán grinned, kissed his wife, and raced up the stairs to perform ten-minute magic. She then knew that Mrs. O'Malley was a genius and a dear to make sure her husband was well fed when she returned. Lasagna was one of Ciarán's favorites. Katie would need to do something special for that woman.
Katherine had just dished up the plates as she had heard him walking around above her head and they sat to eat. She was all of a sudden tongue-tied. Even though she wanted to talk to Ciarán, she was not sure how to start. They talked about her trip; his work while she was gone, the baby, and then finally, dinner was over, and they still had not begun what they really needed to talk about which was frustrating to Katie, but Ciarán didn't seem affected.
Sighing, Katie rose to put things into containers and rinse the dishes, while Ciarán kissed her tenderly and said he would meet her in the living room when she was done. He had run upstairs and by the time she was done, she could hear him coming back down. They met in the hallway going to the living room. She was preoccupied about how to start the conversation that Mom O had said she needed to start. She brought with her a container of rocky road ice cream, one of the gourmet brands, with two spoons.
"I would have thought you'd have eaten this while I was gone, but now you will have to share it."
"I love sharing with you, always have, always will." They sat for a few moments, savoring the creamy ice cream and then Ciarán decided he needed to start the conversation they had not had since the abduction.
"Katie, you seem more withdrawn since we have tried to get back to normal. Since Christmas really. Are you feeling depressed or having problems dealing with things that happened during that whole Landau thing?" He tried desperately not to spew the name when he spoke it.
Katie shrugged and said, "Things don't really feel normal."
"You know I love you, don't you?"
"Yes." He noticed she responded with nothing more and nothing less.
"I sense a 'but' in there?" He caressed her thigh and pulled her legs up into his lap. She didn't resist.
"Well, it doesn't seem like you love me the same. Like you love me but not passionately, not enough to care what I do anymore. Like I'm tainted merchandise you can't return."
"Oh, muirnín, I love you more than when we married. I sometimes hurt I love you so much. Tell me why you feel I have lost that passion, that caring towards you?"
He reached over and drew her into his lap, into his arms, reclining back on the sofa, and placing her cradled between his legs. She cuddled in drawing strength from his chest as she eagerly leaned into him. His arms and legs wrapped around her and the heat of his body surrounded her.
Sighing, she continued, "You don't seem to care what I do anymore. I mean, like when I threw your boot at you and it bounced off the door, you stopped, turned, picked up the boot, and continued walking. That says I don't really care." She played with the snaps on his shirt.
She started again with a sad overtone in her voice. "Or when I forgot to put on my seat belt and drove on the main road to the south gate, Liam was angry but not you. To you, it was no big deal. I was no big deal. There were many other things, but the scary one was when I drove to Mom and Da's, you never said anything. You didn't yell, warn, chastise or anything, you just said you wished I had told you before I left. Today, you would have usually stormed in here and well, been angry, but you weren't, because it really didn't mean anything to you. I-I get it, Ciarán. You just don't care the same anymore. It just hurts, that's all."
Chapter Five
Ciarán had been silent during this explanation, and he was confident he knew how to fix things but now was the time for talking. The fixing came after. He tried hard not to answer, but he'd waited long enough. He ran his hand down her arm, clasping her hands. He spoke near her ear letting his heat caress her.
"So, you think that because I was acting like the husband you wanted me to be when we got married, not telling you what to do, how to do it and reacting when you put yourself in situations that were not safe now translates to I don't care. Interesting, don't you think? This is exactly the man you wanted me to be so now you don't want me to be him?"
"No, yes, oh, I want you the way you were." Her words were aching in their delivery. "Ciarán, at least, I knew you cared when you went all Dom husband on me. Now, I get as much reaction as when I forget to put gas in the car, an inconvenience but that is it." Her irritation was evident.
Katie tried to get up, but Ciarán tightened his hold on her and said in a quiet, deep, authoritative voice, "No, settle, I've got you. Do not get up, Katherine. We are far from done here."
She stilled and Ciarán felt the shiver race through her body. He smiled. This was going to be good. He tested her reactions by running his hand across her breasts, nipples were at full attention. Just the way he liked them. He knew she was gathering cream. Perfect. Ciarán noticed her relax and yet tense in another way, increasing his confidence in what he was going to do next.
"So, help me out here so I'm clear, do you want me to be the way you expected in the beginning, to let you run your own life or you want me as I was, overseeing the running of our lives together?"
"I don't like you telling me what to do, but I also don't like it when you don't seem to care what I do." She sounded pouty and Ciarán knew that was what she did when confused.
"Hmm, you can't have it both ways, you know. Either I'm the head of the house or I'm just your husband."
"Could you be just my husband?"
"I thought that is what I have been doing since this whole Landau incident."
"Well, yeah, but can't you let me do what I think is okay and when you don't agree then you just weigh in and give your opinion on how I should do next time? I mean, oh, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm so confused about it all." His arms tightened as she tried to get up again.
"I think your independent side of you is battling with your submissive side of you. No, I cannot be both. Hell, I can really only do one of them well and I'm sorry, honey, but it isn't just letting you do as you please with some input from me. I have been trying to do that and I have been tied up in knots from irritation and worry, and you have been thinking I don't care. It doesn't work for us." Ciarán reached down to kiss Katie tenderly, drawing out the kiss until Katie moaned.
"So, where does that leave us? Why did you change anyway?"
"Because I knew you had been leery of the discipline conversations we had, before marri
age and even some after, and it partially came from being with that butt wipe, Landau. Then, after the cabin incident, I didn't dare trigger you so I avoided it, entirely. I thought any exhibiting of my husband in charge, what you women call the dom, could set you off and I determined I would never traumatize you, so I just bit my tongue and hoped we would be all right. But we were not all right were we?"
Katie shook her head. "No. See you told me that you protected me as a sign of love, that it was your duty and your privilege, so when you stopped, I figured you didn't care the same."
Ciarán nodded his head. "I'm so sorry for that message; I had no intention of sending it. I thought that I could try to be the husband you had hoped you were getting and then you wouldn't have any triggers. I was very wrong and I ask you to forgive me. I shouldn't have changed who I am and I should have just been more cautious and asked you, talked to you, but never allowed you to feel insecure in my love for you. I adore you and I promise to not make that mistake again." He fed her the last of the ice cream as a symbol of taking care of her instead of allowing her to do it alone. He was taking his position in their lives, back, and it felt good.
They went on to talk about the myriad of thoughts that Katie had related to the attack and the methods Stuart used for pain and domination. It was the first totally honest conversation they had had on this subject. Katie relaxed and glowed in the knowledge that they both learned from this and that their marriage would be stronger because of it.
"Well, do you think we have covered all the bumps in the road and we can go back to the way we were before all this happened?" asked Ciarán.
"Yes, please."
Ciarán nodded and said, "Okay then. I will only go back to the things that I would have addressed tonight usually; this trip."
"Oh, I thought we would start fresh. This doesn't seem really fair."
"Hmm, well this is how I see it. You left on Monday and didn't tell me you were leaving. I got a phone call and saw the note when I got home. Generally, when did you think that I would have dealt with it?"
Katie Consents (Ciaran O'Connor Book 3) Page 8
