by K. A. Hobbs
“I guess so, for now at least.”
“It’s going to be so strange you not being close,” she takes a deep breath. “I’m okay, I’m just being a baby. I still have Jack there.”
“You poor girl.”
There’s a knock at the door and I go to answer it, Megan is standing there with Harry who’s holding a sleeping Henry in his arms. He has that dopey smile on his face again, the smile that I’ve not seen him without since Henry arrived.
“Come on in.” I smile, holding the door open.
“Oooooh! Baby cuddles!” Lex squeals excitedly.
“Hands off,” Carmen calls over. “Henry knows the first person who gets cuddles is me.”
“Can I at least be second?” she pouts.
“And can I be third?” Mom pipes up.
“And I’ll be fourth then.” Beth announces knocking on the door as she comes inside the apartment.
“Is it pass the baby?” Harry grins. “There is more than enough Bennett to go around and I really don’t mind being patted and held.”
“He’s joking.” Megan announces rolling her eyes and going a little red.
“He’s not.” I laugh.
“I am, I really am. I’d rather be stroked.” he grins.
The girls all sit together on the sofa, doing what girls do; talking about babies, while the men do what men do and stand in the kitchen having a beer. Harry keeps up with the conversation but his eyes never leave his wife and son, I can practically see his hands twitching on his beer bottle, desperate to get his son back in his arms.
“Henry’s a boy, he should be over here.” he practically pouts.
“He’s where the milk is, dude.”
“Don’t I know it, he’s such a Mummy’s boy already.”
“I don’t think it’s so much of being a Mommy’s boy, Harry,” Dad says. “I think it’s to do with the fact you don’t have the necessary equipment to satisfy him.”
“That’s probably true,” he grins. “I mean look at Megs and look at me, if you had a choice? It would be Megs every time.”
“This one was all about Hilary when he was a newborn too,” Dad bumps my shoulder. “All about the breasts.” he chuckles.
“Still am Dad,” I grin. “Still am.”
Not just boobs, legs, long, brown dancers legs, and ass.
Focus, Carter.
Dad and Will head over to where the girls are leaving, Harry and me in the kitchen
“I spoke to Jack today,” Harry leans closer. “Megs doesn’t know… He hasn’t told anyone but if I don’t tell someone I’m going to fucking explode.”
“What?”
“And I think Josie is planning on telling Carmen this week anyway.”
“What?”
“And he hasn’t actually told me I can’t tell you.”
“Harry!” I slap him around the head. “Tell me!”
He looks over his shoulder at the girls all chatting and cooing over his son then looks at me with a serious look on his face.
“They’re moving here.” he whispers.
“They’re what?” I half yell.
“Shut up!” he scowls. “They’ve bought a house ten minutes from us…. They’re moving back here in a few months when everything is sorted.”
“Little shit, why didn’t he tell me?”
“Same reason you didn’t tell anyone that you’re not going back to Chicago and that you’re living with Carmen.”
“What? Is Josie ill?”
“No, fucker, she isn’t,” he rolls his eyes dramatically. “It wasn’t the right time.”
“I can’t believe they’re moving here.”
“Don’t tell Carmen, Josie will tell her soon, she was all set to tell her, but then. Well you know…”
“Do Mom and Dad know?”
“As far as I know, no. I guess they’ll tell them when they get back. They know they want to move here, but not that they found somewhere.”
“Lex is going to go nuts!”
“Why?”
“She’s already been getting upset that I’m not going back, she said she was fine, she still has Jack there…”
“Well not for long.”
“Apparently not.”
“What are you two over there talking about?” Megan calls over, looking suspicious.
“Nothing, just about Henry.” Harry smiles.
“Sure…”
“She doesn’t buy it dude.” I whisper to him.
“She doesn’t need to, I’ll explain it later.”
“Is it my turn for cuddles with my son, yet?” he asks as he walks over to join the group.
“Nope, it’s still mine.” Carmen grins at him looking happy and peaceful.
It’s late by the time everyone leaves, Mom, Dad and Lex put off leaving for as long as possible but eventually they have to leave too. Harry took Megan and Henry home over an hour ago, we made plans to go for a drink in the week and let Megan and Carmen have some time together.
“I’ll miss you, so much. I know I moan you’re a stinky brother, but you’re the best.” Lex tells me, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing.
“I’ll come visit with Carmen soon.”
“Promise?”
“Pinky.” I hold my left hand up and she wraps her pinky around mine.
“Look after her, Carter. I love her, she’s like another sister.” she whispers to me.
“I’ll look after her, I kinda love her too.” I whisper back, making sure no one else hears.
“I know, you already told me, remember?”
“You’re the only one I have told. Keep it a secret, Titch.”
“Got it.” she grins.
“And talk to Tyler, sort this out, if he’s moved on, you have to, too.”
“Nice way to end it, brother.” she scowls.
“Hey, I’m looking out for you. Love you.” I squeeze her one last time then say goodbye to Mom and Dad.
“Please keep in touch.” Mom tells me, kissing my cheek.
“I will.”
“And if you need anything; money, clothes, whatever, phone and ask, Carter. I know you don’t like to, but please.”
“I promise.”
I see them out and wave until their taxi has disappeared, when I go back inside, Carmen has fallen asleep on the sofa. I cover her up and clean up the kitchen. By the time I’ve finished, she’s awake and asking for some pain meds, we settle on the sofa with a hot chocolate and watch a couple of episodes of True Blood before we’re both ready for bed.
I get her more meds for the night and some fresh water while she gets ready for bed. I get changed into pyjama pants and head into her room, she’s sitting up in bed on her phone, she smiles when I come in and I can’t help but smile back.
“I’ve had a good day, Carter, thank you.”
“It wasn’t down to me, it was everyone else. “ I tell her, sliding in beside her.
She snuggles down and settles herself next to me, resting her head on my chest.
“No, you arranged it, you looked after everyone, it was all down to you that I smiled today. Not just today actually, every day since this whole thing started.”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“Well I am today, thank you.”
It takes no time at all for her to fall asleep and soon her gentle breathing lulls me to sleep too.
There are so many things in life we take for granted, like being able to wake up every morning, pain free and well. We take being able to take a shower on our own for granted, being able to stand and brush our teeth at the sink, being able to get up and get a drink or something to eat when we want it. The things we do every single day without even thinking about it, we do them without giving them any thought at all. Until of course, those day to day things become big things, things we have to build up to doing. I didn’t give any thought to being able to walk to the bathroom unaided until I couldn’t do it anymore.
Like right now, I need the loo and I can’t get up
and walk there alone and Carter has popped to the shop five minutes away to get me some Rich Tea biscuits, Cream Crackers, Starburst and some Cherry Coke, because that’s all I want right now. He’s been gone ten minutes so I know, providing there isn’t a queue, he’ll be back any minute, but I need the loo now.
Deciding I can do it myself, I slowly sit up and bring myself to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. The small movement leaves my stomach rolling and my head spinning. I take a few deep breaths and when I feel the sickness lessen, I grab hold of the bed frame and pull myself up, at first it’s okay, my legs are a little shaky but it isn’t too far and I repeat to myself over and over you can do this.
I shuffle forward, using the chest of drawers to hold on to as I make my way slowly across the bedroom. I’m so close to the bathroom door when it starts, I hear whooshing in my ears, my heart rate accelerates and my legs begin to shake. Before I know what’s happening, I’m covered in a cold sweat and my knees are buckling from under me. The past few days I’ve been slowly feeling worse, my scar is red and sore and I’m worried something is really wrong and now, I’m sure it is.
“Uggggh!” I huff as I land hard on the floor.
I manage to break my fall and save myself the agony of falling onto my stomach by bracing myself on my hands and when I collide with the floor it doesn’t hurt half as much as it could have. I lay there, unable to get back up, cold and shivering on the floor in just a pair of knickers and a camisole, the only thing I can face wearing right now. I lay my head back and take a deep breath, hoping it will help my racing heart, stop the shaking and put a stop to the tears I can feel trying to fill my eyes.
It doesn’t help and Carter finds me sobbing and shaking five minutes later.
“Hey, you’re okay, it’s okay.” he soothes me, picking me up and carrying me over to my bed.
“No, Carter, stop. I need the loo.” I sob into his neck.
“Is that why you’re out of bed?” he asks, pushing open the door and carrying me over to the toilet.
“I wanted to do it myself.”
“You shouldn’t be trying that, you’re still recovering. Why didn’t you call me? I would have come back.”
“Because I should be able to go to the bathroom on my own!” I yell at him. “You shouldn’t need to help me!”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” he pulls me closer to him and kisses the top of my head.
“I hate it. I can’t walk to the bathroom, I can’t stand and brush my teeth, I can’t even brush my own hair, Carter! I hate it. Why did it have to happen to me? Why? I don’t understand and it’s so unfair.”
I break down in his arms and sob uncontrollably for what feels like forever. It’s a bad idea, the fall, the shivering and the crying all cause pain to splinter through my body and by the time I’ve calmed myself down, been to the toilet and got back into bed, I’m in so much pain even blinking hurts.
“I can get you something for the pain, what else do you need?” he asks, stroking the hair from my face.
“I think… I need to go to the hospital, Carter, something isn’t right. I shouldn’t feel like this.”
“Shall I phone Judy? See what she suggests?”
“I just need to sleep and I need you. Keep me warm and make me remember what life was like before this, please.” I hiccup, then wince.
“I’ll make you a tea, then I’ll come lay with you and we can watch TV. Anything you want, I’ll even watch Pretty Woman if you like.” he smiles sadly down at me.
“I’d rather watch True Blood.” I laugh, then wince as he gets up.
“I’ll be right back.”
I watch him walk out of the bedroom and more tears come, I’m still crying when he comes back with two cups of tea and biscuits. He calms me down enough to actually eat and drink something then hands me my painkillers. We watch True Blood while I wait for the painkillers to kick in and when they do, I sleep peacefully until Carter wakes me up.
“I’ve spoken to Judy at the hospital, she’s on hold right now, she wants to know if your scar is sore?”
“Yeah and red.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, worried eyes meeting mine.
“I didn’t think it was anything, now I think it is.”
Carter leaves the room and comes back in a few seconds later with the phone held up to his ear.
“Yeah, here you go. She wants to speak to you.” he tells me handing the phone to me.
Twenty minutes later, I’m getting dressed and heading to the hospital with Carter in the back of Dad’s car. It turns out I have an infection, a mild one right now because I caught it early but still an infection. They give me strong antibiotics and strict instructions to come back if anything changes. When I get home, I’m exhausted and Carter takes me straight to bed. I wake up however long later, and he’s is watching some film on the TV laying next to me.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks, switching off the TV.
“Rough.” I tell him, honestly.
“I wish you’d told me earlier that the scar was hurting,”
“I’m sorry, I just thought it was normal… Then I started feeling worse and I knew something was wrong.”
“Always tell me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I really think I should eat something, do we have any of Mum’s quiche left?”
“Yeah, she dropped off some more about an hour after we got back.”
“Can I go sit in the lounge for a while and have some? I’m bored of being in bed.”
“Anything you want.”
He scoops me up and wraps me in the white fluffy blanket on the sofa, when I’m still cold, he goes and gets one of his hoodies and helps me put it on. It smells heavenly of him and I sneakily inhale it while he gets me lunch. I manage one piece of quiche and a glass of Cherry Coke so I can take more painkillers and my antibiotics. After it’s gone down, I switch on the TV and flick through the music channels, it’s a bad idea.
“I miss dancing Carter,” I sigh. “There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by since I was four that I haven’t danced, even when I was sick, I’d still dance, it makes me happier than anything in the world and I can’t dance right now.”
I can’t help it, tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks.
Bloody hell I really am a mess right now.
He looks at me with sad eyes and then he smiles.
“Does it have to be a fast dance? Can it be a slow one?”
“What?” I sob, wiping my eyes.
“Does it have to be a fast dance?” he asks again.
“Why?”
He doesn’t answer me, he walks over to my iPod and selects a song, Phyllis Nelson begins and he walks back. He leans down, scoops me up and carries me over to the bar stool at the kitchen counter. He places me on it then stands, wrapping my legs around his waist and bringing my hands to rest around his neck. Slowly, he moves us to the music, resting his head on mine. The stool moves me, moves us both, so it’s like we’re dancing
“Does this work? he whispers.
“Yes,” I whisper, fighting back the tears. “This works.”
Right there and then, I fall in love with Carter, more than I am already. I think it’s time to admit it to myself and probably time to admit it to him. But what if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he really does only want friendship? Can I begin something with him when I have no idea if I’ll be able to continue? The doctor told me, I have a high chance of beating this thing, but what if I don’t? Is it cruel to let Carter fall for me without the certainty that I’ll survive this? I close my eyes and let the music and Carter’s warmth surround me.
I have to be strong.
I have to stop this fear taking hold of me.
I have to live.
A few hours later, I’m wide awake and listening to Carter snore softly behind me. We’re close, but not touching. I’m surrounded by his scent and I feel safe and pr
otected. He mumbles something in his sleep and fidgets a little before rolling over so he’s right behind me.
“Carter?” I whisper into the darkness.
I don’t get a reply, he’s still fast asleep, so how he manages to slide one arm underneath me and pull me to his chest is beyond me. Now we’re touching and all I can see, smell and feel is Carter. I don’t remember ever feeling this safe in my life. I close my eyes and will sleep to take me and when it does, my dreams are filled with both of us, only we have matching silver rings and I have a swollen stomach.
Even in my dreams I know I’m dreaming, but I allow myself this little moment of happiness, because I know when I wake up, I’ll be faced with a life I didn’t ask for, a life I didn’t want. When I wake up I know I’ll have to smile and pretend everything is okay when it isn’t, I’ll have to be brave and tell Carter I’m okay, because to admit I’m not will hurt him, will break him and I won’t do that to him.
I’m already broken.
I’m already in pain.
So what does a little more matter?
The next few days go by quickly, I slowly start to feel better and I’m able to do a few more things. I make the most of being able to move around without Carter’s help knowing once I start my radiotherapy, it could set me back again, a thought I try not to dwell on. We actually go out a few times, to the park and then back to the Tower of London. Since we became members the first time we visited, it doesn’t cost us anything to go. We only walk around a little of it and have a coffee but I want to do something for Carter and I know he loves it here. On the way home, Megan phones to check in.
“How are you doing sweetie?” she coos down the phone.
“Better, we’re just on our way back from some time out, how are you? How is that gorgeous little man of yours?”
“He’s greedy, always feeding,” she laughs. “But so gorgeous I have to stop myself from waking him when he’s asleep just because I miss him.”
“You’re so cute,” I smile. “Can we go for a coffee soon? Before I start more endless appointments?”
“Yes! That would be lovely, just the girls? Well… And the tiny baby.”
“He can be an honorary girl while he’s still so tiny.”
