by K. A. Hobbs
“Don’t say that around Harry. He’s desperately concerned that not only does Henry seem to like One Direction, Little Things seems to settle him!” she chuckles.
“He’s a baby, he likes it because it’s calm.”
“I told him that, he’s still worried.”
“So Friday? After my radiotherapy planning meeting?”
Carter taps my shoulder and shakes his head.
“I think you’ll be exhausted after that, can you go on Saturday instead?”
“Carter’s right,” Megan says, having heard him. “Let’s do Saturday, we’ll have coffee then maybe have lunch with the boys?”
“That sounds perfect.”
“Look after yourself, rest! Love you!”
“Love you too.”
When we get back, I realise I may have pushed myself a little too much. My whole body aches and I feel sick and lightheaded. Carter helps me into bed and I sleep for three hours straight. When I wake up, he’s finishing making Mexican and the flat smells delicious. We sit at the breakfast bar and I manage more to eat than I have in weeks.
“This really is delicious, Carter.”
“It’s Mom’s recipe, she banned those kits you get, told me, it’s easy enough to create yourself and she’s right.” he grins, taking another bite of his wrap.
“So you can build, you can cook, you can dance, you’re funny and sweet and give the best cuddles and make the most incredible hot chocolate… Anything you can’t do?”
“Not to my knowledge.” he laughs.
“You’re like, the perfect guy.”
“Pretty much, fallen in love with me yet?” he teases.
Oh, Carter. That happened a while ago, I think to myself. With a full stomach and the busy day, I’m ready to flake out on the sofa. Carter asks if we can watch some more True Blood and we snuggle together on the sofa. I’m not sure what it is, but my body suddenly feels hyper aware of him; his leg pressed up against mine, his arm around my shoulders, the heat radiating from him, every part of me is aware of every part of him. I shake my head a little trying to clear my wayward thoughts and Carter turns to look at me.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, just tired. I think I’ll go for a shower.”
“Are you sure? You’re not too tired?”
“I’ll be okay,” I smile. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
“I’ll switch this off and sit in the bedroom, I’ve got a few bits to do on the laptop, if you need me, just call.”
I walk into my bedroom then continue into the en-suite, I close the door and press my back to it. My whole body is on fire and I’m being overtaken with a feeling I’ve not had in a while.
Arousal.
Why am I suddenly acting like this? What has changed to make me so hyper aware of him all of a sudden? I take a few deep breaths then head into the shower. I turn my face up to the spray and let the hot water cascade over me. The longer I stay in there, the more lightheaded I feel, yet I need the heat, I need the distraction, I need to not walk into my bedroom and be confronted with the one thing I can’t get off my mind right now.
Carter.
I switch off the shower and exhaustion suddenly hits, I have no strength at all, so when I misplace my feet and slip over, I struggle to get myself up off the floor. I try, for what feels like hours to get back up, but I can’t.
“Carter?” I call out, unable to lift myself off the bathroom floor, so completely exhausted from everything right now.
“Carm?” he calls back from the other side of the door.
“I need you,” I tell him. “Please, come in.”
I hear his hand on the door handle and he hesitates for a few seconds before he pushes the door open. When he steps inside the bathroom, he looks down at me then kneels down. He reaches for a towel and wraps it around me like you would a child. He picks me up like I weigh nothing and with the amount of weight I’ve lost lately, I wouldn’t be surprised. Carefully and slowly, he carries me to my room and pulls the covers back before placing me in the bed and covering me up.
“What do you need?” he asks, brushing the hair off my face.
“You.” I whisper, meeting his eyes.
“I’m here.” he smiles, leaning in to press a kiss to my forehead.
In that one gesture, he says a thousand words, he tells me everything he hasn’t physically said but I know he wants to. I turn my face before he pulls away and look into his eyes. Everything I know he feels is clear on his face and when I raise my face to meet his lips he doesn’t pull back. Our lips meet and just rest against each other for what feels like hours. He moves fractionally against mine and brings one hand up to hold the side of my head, I move mine against his and suddenly, everything feels better.
I feel warm.
I feel safe and loved.
I feel alive for the first time in months.
“Carmen…” his voice is thick and barely above a whisper.
“Carter… I want this.” I tell him.
“What is this? And why now? What’s changed?” he asks, pulling back to look at me.
“You. Us. This, I want you, I need you, please, help me feel better, help me forget, it’s all I need right now and you’re the one person who can help me. Nothing has changed, I want you.” I repeat.
He leans forward again and rests his lips to mine, I lay back and bring him with me, he groans and shifts on the bed so he’s supporting himself over me, all I can see, smell and taste is Carter and it’s the most beautiful thing, it’s the most right thing and it’s exactly what I want.
“You’re tired, you’re in pain…” he pulls back and goes to move.
“No,” I pull him back. “This is the most alive I’ve felt in months, don’t go. Be with me, Carter. Remind me that I’m not just this disease, that I’m not just hospital appointments, remind me I’m a woman who can feel, please?”
“No… I’m not here to remind you of that and I’m not going to make love to you to remind you either. If you want us, this, then it’s because you see a future, not because you’re hurting and need to remember.” he stands and starts walking towards the door.
“I didn’t mean… Carter, wait.”
“I can’t stay in here tonight, Carmen. Just call if you need anything okay?”
He walks out of the door and I feel the weight of his absence heavier than I ever have before. That’s the second time I’ve told him I want him and it’s the second time he’s told me no. Clearly he doesn’t want me like that.
He doesn’t see me as anything more than a friend.
I’m such an idiot.
What the hell was that?
I pace back and forth in the lounge, completely confused about what just happened.
She wants me?
I want her.
The sensible part in me tells me, she doesn’t. She’s scared and she’s hurting and that’s why she wants to be with me tonight. It’s exactly the same thing that happened before her surgery and I refused to cross the line then and I refuse to cross it now. I listen to the silence in the apartment to make sure she’s okay, I don’t hear anything so I walk down the hall until I’m outside her room.
Silence.
I wait a little longer then push open the door.
She’s flat out on her back, fast asleep. When I walk closer, I can see the tear marks still wet on her face and it takes everything in me not to reach out and wipe them away, not to walk around the bed and slide in next to her and pull her to me, making sure she knows I understand. Everything is so muddled right now, she’s scared and wants to remember who she is because she’s worried she’s losing herself. To let her know that it’s okay, I’m still here for her.
I don’t.
Instead, I walk into my room, the room I’ve hardly slept in since we moved in and I pull the cover and pillow off my bed and carry it silently into her room and lay down on the floor next to her bed so that if she needs me, I’m here.
“Carter?”
I wake u
p and Carmen is looking down at me from her bed, there’s light streaming in through the windows, it’s morning already.
“Hey,” I yawn and stretch. “How are you feeling?”
“Sore, a little sick…. A lot embarrassed. Carter, I’m sorry for last night.”
“You don’t need to apologise, it’s okay, I understand.”
“We’re friends, I get that. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, I won’t do it again.”
“We are friends, nothing will ever change that.”
Does she mean she just wants to be friends?
“I’m hungry, want some breakfast before we head to the hospital?”
“Sure,” I get up. “I’ll just use the bathroom, meet you in the kitchen in five?”
“You got it.” she smiles.
It doesn’t reach her eyes.
How do you know when a friendship is going to last? When you get into situations like last night and in the morning you both clear the air and everything is just like it was before. I’m sitting next to Carmen while we wait for her to be called in for her scan and it’s like nothing ever happened. We watch people come in and sit down, waiting for their turn and pretty soon it’s her turn.
“I can’t come with you, but I’ll be right here when you get back.” I tell her squeezing her hand and kissing her temple.
“Okay,” she nods. “Thank you, Carter. I don’t deserve you.”
I sit back down and wait, pulling out my phone when it buzzes in my pocket. Lex’s name is sitting on my screen.
Lex: DID YOU KNOW THEY’RE MOVING TO ENGLAND!!!!??
Me: Not until the other day
Lex: Why didn’t you tell me :( I can’t believe you’re all leaving me!!
Me: Don’t be so dramatic. We can still see each other, you’re a big girl Lex, you’ll be fine
Lex: I already miss you and now Jack too? Why are you all leaving me?
Me: Girls. That’s why. It’s so complicated right now I need your help trying to work this all out. Can I phone you later? At the hospital now.
Lex: You better. LOVE YOU X
It’s been almost an hour by the time Carmen comes out, she comes and sits down and tells me, we’re good to go and that she starts treatment in two weeks. When we step outside, we hail a taxi and head home. As I thought she would be, Carmen is exhausted and spends the rest of the day asleep or on the sofa watching TV. While she’s asleep I head into my room and phone Lex.
“Carter, I’m still cross with you for not telling me about Jack and Josie.”
“Hey, don’t start please, it wasn’t my place to tell you.”
“Fiiiiiine. How’s Carmen? She’s okay?”
“She’s just been to the hospital, all sorted for radiotherapy in two weeks… That’s not what I need to talk to you about.”
“Have you had sex?”
“Lex,” I groan. “No. Not that she hasn’t tried.”
“She? You mean you said no?”
“I’m not going to sleep with her when she’s like this, it’s all so messed up right now.”
“What’s messed up, she likes you, you like her… What’s the problem?”
“I don’t think she does like me, Lex. I think she’s just sad. She wants to remember what it feels like to be a woman.”
“And sex with you would make her feel like a woman, it’s a compliment.”
“I’m not that guy.” I growl into the phone.
“Really? Because I remember when you split up with Madison, you were the guy who was sleeping around, and you had no feelings for those girls.”
“No, I wasn’t. I went on dates, I didn’t sleep with them, you all assumed I did.”
“No, when I come round with breakfast and she opens your door in your shirt, I assume.”
“She stayed over because we both had too much to drink. Anyway, I’m not here to explain myself to you… How do I know if she actually likes me Lex, and isn’t just…”
“Wanting to have sex with you to feel alive?”
“Yes.”
“You wait… See what happens. Be there for her like you always have been, don’t change anything. I can see she’s crazy about you and I know you love her. Just see what happens, give her time.”
“Okay.”
“I have to go, I’ll speak to you soon? Tell Carmen I love her and hope she’s okay?”
“I will.”
Give it time, see what happens.
I can do that.
I’m two weeks into my six week course of radiotherapy, like I thought I might, I need Carter’s help again. I feel absolutely exhausted all the time, a combination I think of the treatment itself and the stress of everything. I also feel constantly sick, I’m surviving on ginger ale and crackers most of the time and just eating what I feel like, when I feel like it. Everything with Carter is normal, as normal as it’s always been. Remaining friends is the right thing for both of us, both of us are so busy dealing with everything we have going on right now, we don’t have time to work out anything more.
My day was made a whole lot better yesterday when Josie FaceTimed me and told me, her and Jack are moving back to England. They found a house while they were over for the wedding and with Doug’s help, have signed and will be moving back in a few weeks time. I’m surprised she took this long to tell me, but I can’t say anything seeing as I didn’t tell her about my diagnosis. We’re going to be all together again, I can’t help but feel excited about that.
Today, is Saturday and we’ve been invited to Megan’s for lunch. I spent yesterday with Mum and Dad. Carter helped Dad do a few things in the house which kept them both amused and gave Carter the sparkle back in his eyes. I know he’s missing home and work, I’m going to talk to Harry today to see if Doug knows of any jobs that Carter can do, he needs to get out and I need some time to be me too, we both need some time away from each other to just ‘be’.
“Are you ready?” Carter asks from the door way.
“Yes, do I look okay?”
He walks over to stand in front of me and looks at me, he looks at me so intently I feel his gaze to the very depth of my soul. I’m still very much in love with Carter, most days I can cope with it, I can focus on why it’s not right to drag him into this, but when he looks at me like that, I struggle.
I really struggle.
“You look beautiful, as always.” he smiles.
“Then I’m ready to go.”
We arrive at Megs and she rushes out to wrap me in a hug, Harry standing behind her with Henry in his arms. They moved into their new house a few weeks ago and seem so settled and happy to finally have their nest.
“You look so well!” she smiles happily.
“I feel like shit, thanks for the compliment though.” I smile as we walk into the house.
“Are you still feeling sick? We have ginger ale.” she grins.
“My favourite.”
Carter and Harry go and get drinks while Megan and I sit on the sofa and chat. I lean closer to her and pour my heart out about everything that has happened with Carter and by the time I’ve finished I feel a little better.
“I don’t believe he doesn’t like you, Carmen, I think he’s probably scared too. Both times you told him you wanted him to remind you, you’re still a woman… How do you think that makes him feel?”
“I didn’t even think of that, I didn’t mean… Shit! He thinks I only wanted him because he was there and I needed someone,” I bring my hand to my forehead and groan. “I’m so bloody stupid!”
“I think you’ve got too much going on right now… But I also know you love him, and I’d bet a huge sum of money on the fact he loves you too.”
The boys come back then, effectively halting our conversation. Harry helps Megan get everything for lunch and we all sit around eating and laughing together. For the first time in a long time I feel completely relaxed and carefree. Carter is laughing and joking with Harry and he seems happy and carefree too. Carter actually brings up the subject of w
ork with Harry who tells him, he’s sure Doug will know of some kind of work for him.
“You know Jack’s going to be the manager of Coopers?” Megan smiles.
“Is he now? They trust him not to drink the profits?”
“That’s what I said,” Harry laughs. “But I’d trust him a lot more than I’d trust me.”
“You’re all talk,” Megan teases him. “You hardly drink now we have Henry.”
“Shhhhh!” he growls at her. “I’m losing my street cred here.”
“Do you have any?” Carter jokes.
“More than you do, Manning.”
“Show me.”
“Why?” she laughs.
“Because you, Little Miss Innocent have a tattoo! I need to see it to believe it!”
“Just show her, it’s not a big deal.” Harry tells her, grinning from his spot on the sofa, Henry propped up on his legs.
Megs stands and pulls up her t-shirt. I lean a little closer so I can see it better.
“I belong, I belong to you alone?”
“Muse.” Harry grins at me.
“And you have one too? What do you have?”
“Music notes running along my ribs.”
“Not just music notes, explain.” Megan smiles.
“Running the length of my ribs, is the music notes to one of our favourite Muse songs, I Belong To You.”
“I know that song!” I tell them.
“And above that is one line of script in French; Mon Cœur S’ouvre à Ta Voix.”
“Oh, good God, I forgot he speaks French!” I gasp unnecessarily. “Megan,” I whisper. “I really fancy your husband right now.”
“I know, right?” she grins goofily at him.
“What does it mean?” Carter asks.
“What does what mean?”
“The French… What does it mean?”
“That’s the best bit.” Megan sighs.
“It means my heart opens to your voice.”
“Oh…” I sigh. “Can I marry your husband, Megs?”
“No, you can’t. He’s mine.”
