Down on Me (Club 24 #7)

by Kimberly Knight

  “Sure you can.” He wiped a tear from my eye.

  “You don’t understand,” I said, turning in his lap to face him better. More tears streamed down my face. “I feel like … I feel like I’m losing myself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I stared up at the ceiling, trying to form the words I wanted to say. When I had the words, I tilted my head back down to face him. “I don’t feel like a mother to Kyle or even like a wife to you anymore.”

  He jerked his head back as if he were confused or I’d slapped him. “What are you talking about? You’re great with him and me—”

  “See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you wouldn’t believe me,” I muttered.

  “Baby, it’s not that I don’t believe you. I just think you’re doing a great job.”

  I shook my head, the tears still streaming down my face as I spoke. “Sometimes I laugh and smile, but then other times I cry. And honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wonder what happened to the person who I used to be before I had Kyle when we were dating or when we were newlyweds. I can’t find that person anymore and I want her back.”

  He pulled me in close, my head on his chest. I could hear the rhythm of his heart beating against my ear.

  Ba-dum …

  Ba-dum …

  Ba-dum …

  “Spencer, hearing you say that breaks my heart.”

  “Mine’s already broken,” I admitted.

  He leaned back on the couch so I was resting on his chest just like Kyle’s favorite position to sleep. I now knew why. Brandon’s heartbeat was the perfect sound.

  Ba-dum …

  Ba-dum …

  Ba-dum …

  Before long my tears had slowed. He finally spoke. “Kyle has changed my life too. We knew this parent thing wasn’t going to be easy. It’s almost like having him created a new us and we have to learn how to be different people. When I leave every day to go to work, I’m scared that something is going to happen to the both of you. That’s why people are going to need security clearance just to enter.”

  “They are?” I raised my head.

  Brandon chuckled. “No, babe. But I’m going to put a lock on this motherfucker that no one can get into because I’ve got a secret treasure worth keeping.”

  “Did you just quote our song?” I giggled. Those weren’t quite the words to our song that we’d danced to in Vegas and numerous times after, but I was certain Brandon had somehow threw in the lines of Jeremih and 50 Cent’s Down on Me song.

  “I’d be stupid because I just want to lick it and lick it and lick it.”

  I laughed. “Okay, now you’re just butchering the song.”

  I knew Brandon knew every word of the song because it was our song. It did things to both of us that made us drop what we were doing and go at each other like a soldier coming home from war.

  “Got you laughing, though.”

  I gave him a tight smile. “See what I mean? I can cry one minute and laugh another.”

  “Anyone can do that, baby.”

  I laid my head back on his chest. “Not when you’re by yourself.”

  His arms squeezed tighter around me. “Now that I know you’re hurting, we’ll figure this out together.”

  “Not tonight. Tonight, I want to lay like this and listen to the beat of your heart.”

  Ba-dum …

  Ba-dum …

  Ba-dum …

  Chapter Eight

  Brandon

  The next morning, Spencer took Kyle to Ryan’s house and I waited for Tom and his crew to arrive. Everything was going to take a week to install and then maybe I could be sleep better at night.

  *

  “We’ve decided to call your house Fort Kentfield or FKF,” Jason said, walking into my office. He sat on the chair in front of my desk.

  “We?”

  “Me and Bec.”

  I chuckled. “Right.”

  “Did you test out the panic room yet?”

  “We aren’t calling it a panic room,” I clarified. “We’ve decided to call it a safe room.”

  “Same thing.” He shrugged. “Spencer’s dealing with everything okay, though?”

  “As good as she can.”

  Being told that Michael might not be done hurting us had sent Spencer farther done into her hole of distress that I didn’t even know she was in. I didn’t tell Jason or Becca that she was hurting and I wasn’t sure if she’d told Ryan, but I figured she did because when she would come home at night, she was better—more alive in a way each day.

  “What’s the plan to find out if Michael really is going to come after you?”

  “I don’t know,” I sighed, feeling defeated.

  “There has to be a way,” he sighed, too. “We’re fathers now. We can’t go chasing after bad guys again.”

  “Fuck, I know.” We thought for a moment. Jason stared out the glass window of my office that overlooked the stairs that lead to the downstairs of the gym and I looked up at the ceiling as if it had answers. Then a thought came to me.

  “What if we have a poker night and ask the guys for their opinion?”

  “You want to involve our friends?”

  “Do you have a better idea?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “Plus, we get to play poker again.”

  “Who’s house?”

  “Mine. Tell Bec she can come and bring JJ.”

  He’s eyes became huge and I grinned. “We’re fathers now.”

  “Are you fucking serious?”

  I didn’t want to tell him the real reason I wanted to have it at my house. Even though we were all best friends, if Spencer wanted to tell Becca about her depression then it would have to be on her terms. “My house may be Fort Kentfield, but I’m not ready to leave Spence at night.”

  He nodded. “True.”

  *

  You’d think that after hiding the security system/panic room secret from Spencer that I’d have learned my lesson—nope!

  After making the poker plan with Jason, we texted the guys that we wanted to have the game at my place that night. When I was single, we did that all time if we wanted to have a pick-up game other than our weekly Wednesday night game. I was thinking the guys would help me come up with a plan on how to find out if Michael was still out for us and have people around Spencer other than a two month old baby.

  When I arrived home to set up for the game and to let Spencer know, I was wrong. I was so, so, wrong.

  “Babe,” I called out, coming in through the garage. Niner greeted me at the door, wagging his tail and I knelt down to pet him.

  “I’m in the kitchen,” Spencer called back.

  I walked into the kitchen and saw Kyle sleeping in his motorized swing and smiled. Spencer was washing dishes and I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her and kissed her neck. “How was today?”

  “Better than yesterday.”

  “Good. Maybe tomorrow will be better than today.”

  She sighed. “I hope so.”

  “I have good news.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Our friends are coming over.”

  She stopped scrubbing the pan in the soapy water. “Who?”

  “J, Bec, I’m pretty sure Ryan and Max, did Ryan text you?”

  “No?”

  “Oh. Well, I texted Max and he said he didn’t have to work late and Ben and Allison and Vince and—”

  “Why are they all coming over?” she snapped.

  “You’re mad?”

  She turned, water splashing onto my shirt. “Of course I’m mad,” she hissed. “Are we having a fucking party?”

  “Lower your voice. You’re going to wake Kyle.” I looked over my shoulder to make sure he was still sleeping. He was—for now.

  Her eyes widened. “Are you seriously telling me how to raise our son? The son I’m home with twenty-four-seven?”

  “No. I’m sorry.”

  “Why would you invite
people over without asking me? We don’t even have food or anything.”

  “It’s just poker. They’re bringing—”

  She snorted. “Poker? You invited the guys over for poker and you thought inviting the wives would make it better? Unreal!” She stormed off, Niner following her and leaving me in the kitchen with Kyle as he started to cry.

  “Come here, buddy.” I picked Kyle up and started to bounce him. His cries dissipated immediately. “I don’t like when Mommy and Daddy fight either.”

  Having Spencer freak out was a clear indicator that I didn’t need to tell her the plan to ask the guys for help. I didn’t think she could handle the Michael situation on top of whatever else was bothering her. She hadn’t brought it up, so neither had I, but maybe the Michael situation was the added burden after all. If we didn’t get the mess behind us, then I wasn’t sure if our marriage could withstand the tension everything was causing. Spencer was always moody and I was always stressing. I just wanted to protect my family. I was doing this because of my past and I needed to fix it or it would destroy my future and Kyle would have a broken home.

  I didn’t see the baby monitor, so I carried Kyle upstairs with me to find Spencer. Regardless of how she felt, poker night needed to happen so I could talk to the guys.

  As I opened the bedroom door, Spencer was lying on the bed, crying. A lump formed in my throat. This was my best friend, the mother of my child, the one I wanted to spend forever with, and she was hurting and I’d caused it.

  I placed Kyle in his bassinet and then crawled into bed behind Spencer, wrapping my arms around her. “Don’t cry, I’m sorry.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “Please, Spencer. I thought having our friends over would brighten your day and make you feel better because you are here twenty-four-seven with Kyle.”

  She still didn’t say anything as she continued to cry.

  “Jason and I were talking about poker and we thought having a game tonight would be fun for all of us. It’s different now that we’re all parents,” I lied.

  “You should have asked me.” She sniffled.

  “You’re right, I should have.” I kissed her shoulder.

  “Why are you having it here?”

  I swallowed hard before answering. “I’m not leaving you and Kyle alone at night, even if it just for a few hours.”

  She was silent for a few minutes and I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. I thought she would respond about Michael, ask me what I planned to do about the situation. Instead, when she finally did speak, she made me crack a smile. “Now I have to put a bra on.”

  Chapter Nine

  Spencer

  My mood swings were out of control and I was starting to feel as if something was seriously wrong with me. I’d never experienced depression before, but I knew there was something more. I saw how happy Ryan was being a mother. I knew that being a mother was hard and not all new mothers were depressed.

  Kyle deserved better.

  He came into this world innocent, and now it was my fault that I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. On top of it, Brandon was dealing with the Michael situation which I was trying not to even think about. I didn’t leave the house anymore except to go to Kyle’s doctor appointments and I wasn’t alone. Either Ryan or Brandon came with me.

  What kind of life have we subjected our child to?

  In the depths of my soul, my heart ached to be a normal mother—to be happy—to wake up and not cry alone in the shower when no one was looking. The feeling wasn’t getting better, no matter if Kyle cried out of control or not, and I feared feeling unhappy would never end.

  Then the rage …

  When Brandon told me he was having a poker night, I wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. It was as if a switch had been flicked and I was instantly pissed off. Normally, I would have been pissed at him for not asking me before inviting a fleet of people over to our house, but it was the feeling I felt inside that scared me. It was as if I wanted to actually hurt him. I was angry, irritable and if I had anything in my hands besides soapy water, I would have thrown it at him. I would have hit him in the head with whatever it was because I wanted to hurt him. And why? Because he wanted our old life back? He thought I needed my friends around to laugh with and have a good time?

  I had the perfect husband and I was losing it. He would lay his life on the line for me and I was now a raging bitch because he wanted to have a game of poker one night. So no matter how I was feeling, I sucked it up. I cried a little because I couldn’t help it—that’s what I did these days, and then I got ready for poker night that consisted of the guys playing while the women took care of the kids.

  *

  Brandon was right. I needed to see my friends.

  The guys played poker in the kitchen while the women were in the living room with the babies. Ben’s wife, Allison, was pregnant, and Abby and Kyle mostly slept while JJ grabbed picture frames and chewed on the remote for the TV.

  I saw my future as I watched him.

  I actually saw my future.

  The emotional roller coaster I was on was tearing me apart because I pictured Kyle. I wanted to be in that place where he could roam and get into things that wouldn’t hurt him and I could sit with my friends and not worry or feel as though I was hiding. As I sat and watched JJ, I felt as if I were in a bubble watching from above. Like I was disconnected from everything around me—as though I was hovering over everyone.

  It was an odd feeling.

  I felt disconnected from the group, trying to make small talk, but it seemed as though what I said wasn’t making any sense. It was almost as if I was high and my vision was blurred and my voice was slowed. No one else seemed to notice as I kept trying to connect with them, to feel present. But no matter what I did it didn’t work.

  I just wanted to take Kyle up to my bedroom and hide—cry myself asleep and question why I felt this way. I used to be vibrant, carefree, sexy, outgoing, and now—now my days were spent mostly in a twenty by twenty room listening to a weeping baby and crying my eyes out—alone.

  *

  Brandon was asleep next to me. He seemed to have a good night. I couldn’t wait for it to end, but now that it had, I was wide awake and fighting off tears while he and Kyle slept.

  I was tired of my heart cracking in my chest. The hurt I always felt as my heart slowly beat in my chest, the lump in my throat over and over, my eyes stinging. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t fight it. The pain seemed to never go away.

  Getting out of bed, I walked downstairs and sat on the couch. If Kyle woke, Brandon could deal with him. It was three in the morning and I needed to clear my head. I needed to be alone.

  I grabbed my laptop and searched depression. A lot of things came up including postpartum depression. I read site after site, blog after blog, and realized I wasn’t alone. What I was feeling was normal. I had hope for the first time in two long agonizing months. This feeling would pass, I just needed to focus on what made me happy and know I was not alone and I was a good mother.

  Deciding to want to relive a time when I was happy in hopes that it would help, I stuck our video in the DVD player. I skipped to the part where I was starting to walk down the aisle because I wanted to see the light in our eyes.

  Train’s Marry Me could be heard in the background of the Bentley Reserve as I walked down the aisle with my dad. My focus moved to Brandon’s as I watched him in the distance of the video. His gaze was locked with mine and we were both smiling. I remembered that day and how I felt loved, cherished, treasured, beautiful …

  His.

  His forever.

  Watching the video made me feel as if I was reliving that moment. Tears started to stream down my face, but I wasn’t sad. I was happy because that day I was. That day I’d married my friend.

  As the song ended, I stepped onto the platform and Brandon took my arm from my dad after shaking his hand. My dad kissed me on the cheek and told Brandon to take care of me. Bra
ndon had leaned down and whispered, “You’re breathtaking, babe.”

  My stomach fluttered thinking about that moment. This man still had the ability to sweep me off my feet if I’d allow him to. Now that I knew there was an end in sight, I was going to focus on making myself happy because I missed what Brandon and I once shared.

  In the video I smiled at Brandon as the minister began, “Dearly beloved…” He spoke his speech about why we were gathered and then when it was time for us to speak to each other, I lost it.

  “Brandon, the woman who stands by your side is going to be your wife. She will look to you for comfort, for support, for love, for understanding, for encouragement, and for protection. You must never take her for granted, and always stand by her for good or ill.”

  Brandon said, “Today in the presence of our family and friends, I pledge to join my life with yours. I promise to provide, protect, respect and support you through all that life has to offer. I promise to stand by you through both good and bad times, in happiness and sorrow, come riches or poverty. I will cherish you all my life.”

  “Spencer, the man who stands by your side is going to be your husband. He will look to you for comfort, support, love, understanding, and encouragement. You must never take him for granted and always stand by him for good or ill.”

  I said, “Today in the presence of our, family and friends, I pledge to join my life with yours. I promise to respect, support and encourage you through all that life has to offer. I promise to stand by you through both good and bad times, in happiness and sorrow, come riches or poverty. I will cherish you all my life.”

  Tears were streaming down my face. I knew these were standard words that were spoken at most weddings, but we made the promise and now it was as if we were living separate lives because I wasn’t telling Brandon how sad I really was.

  “Spencer, you know me better than anyone else in this entire world and somehow still you manage to love me. After everything my past put you through, you agreed to marry me and for that I promise to grow old with you. I will support your dreams and respect our differences, and be by your side through all the days and nights of our lives. I will laugh with you in times of joy, and comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share in your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve your goals. I will listen to you with compassion and understanding, and speak to you with encouragement. But most of all, I will love forever.”