THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

by Ambrose Bierce

  RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.

  He held at court a rank so high

  That other noblemen asked why.

  "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack

  His skill to scratch the royal back."

  Aramis Jukes

  RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.

  RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.

  RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that riz-de-veau a la financiere is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker.

  RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.

  RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.

  RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.

  "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let

  These gamblers take your cash."

  "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes!

  How can you be so rash?"

  Bootle P. Gish

  RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

  RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans.

  RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.

  REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

  This is a truth, as old as the hills,

  That life and experience teach:

  The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,

  An impediment of his reach.

  G.J.

  READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.

  We know by one's reading

  His learning and breeding;

  By what draws his laughter

  We know his Hereafter.

  Read nothing, laugh never-

  The Sphinx was less clever!

  Jupiter Muke

  RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

  RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

  RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

  RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.

  REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.

  REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

  REALLY, adv. Apparently.

  REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

  REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.

  REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.

  REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

  REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.

  RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.

  RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

  RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.

  RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.

  RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.

  RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.

  Fresh from the farm or factory or street,

  His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,

  Were an impressive martial spectacle

  Except for two impediments-his feet.

  Thompson Johnson

  RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.

  REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

  We must awake Man's spirit from his sin,

  And take some special measure for redeeming it;

  Though hard indeed the task to get it in

  Among the angels any way but teaming it,

  Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.

  I'm awkward at Redemption-a beginner:

  My method is to crucify the sinner.

  Golgo Brone

  REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.

  Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.

  RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red-at least not on the outside.

  REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; de trop.

  The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant

  To prove this unbelieving dog redundant."

  To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,

  Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive."

  Habeeb Suleiman

  Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

  REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.

  REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.

  REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge-Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem and Hebron-to which one who had taken life inadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of early Greece.

  REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive.

  REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of t
he Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.

  RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

  "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.

  "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it."

  "Then why do you not become an atheist?"

  "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism."

  "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants."

  RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.

  RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame-a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand.

  I touched the harp in every key,

  But found no heeding ear;

  And then Ithuriel touched me

  With a revealing spear.

  Not all my genius, great as 'tis,

  Could urge me out of night.

  I felt the faint appulse of his,

  And leapt into the light!

  W.J. Candleton

  REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

  REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.

  REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.

  Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,

  You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?

  How needless!-Nick will keep you off the coals

  And add you to the woes of other souls.

  Jomater Abemy

  REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks.

  REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

  "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou

  Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!"

  So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew

  Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview."

  Barson Maith

  REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling.

  REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

  REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.

  REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.

  REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.

  RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.

  RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

  'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed

  A true renunciation

  Of title, rank and every kind

  Of military station-

  Each honorable station.

  By his example fired-inclined

  To noble emulation,

  The country humbly was resigned

  To Leonard's resignation-

  His Christian resignation.

  Politian Greame

  RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.

  RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

  RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

  RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.

  Altgeld upon his incandescent bed

  Lay, an attendant demon at his head.

  "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief-

  Some respite from the roast, however brief."

  "Remember how on earth I pardoned all

  Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."

  "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm

  O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.

  "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,

  Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.

  "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,

  Not even the memory of who you are."

  Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;

  Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.

  "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be

  As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."

  "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack

  You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."

  A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide

  While they were turning him on t'other side.

  Joel Spate Woop

  RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade.

  The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them.

  "Chronicles of the Classes"

 
RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.

  RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

  Alas, things ain't what we should see

  If Eve had let that apple be;

  And many a feller which had ought

  To set with monarchses of thought,

  Or play some rosy little game

  With battle-chaps on fields of fame,

  Is downed by his unlucky star

  And hollers: "Peanuts!-here you are!"

  "The Sturdy Beggar"

  RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest.

  RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.

  RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law.

  RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.

  In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking exercise:

  What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go

  Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet?

  Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so?

  'Tis not so long since you were in a riot,

  And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at