A Life That Fits

by Heather Wardell

  He felt bad about that? I remembered his reaction at Wonderland when I'd mentioned dealing with a breakup and knew he did. How sweet. "Come on, it's not your fault. I think Tina was well capable of coming up with that on her own."

  "Maybe, but I should have stayed out of it. If I hadn't said anything she might not have decided to make you quit."

  I sighed. "I suppose. But honestly, I think I'm better off."

  He wasn't convinced. "One stupid comment and I changed your career path."

  I reached out and patted his arm, partly to comfort him but mostly because I wanted to touch him again. "She changed it. You've been nothing but great to me." I gave him a squeeze then let go though I didn't want to. "Besides, she was right in one regard. I was messed up."

  "Because of your ex?"

  I nodded, and told him about my breakup with Alex and how strange my life had felt afterward and how I was crocheting and bellydancing and trying to figure out who I was as an adult. He listened and empathized and asked questions about my new hobbies and let me show him far more pictures of Harrison than anyone needed to see and even convinced me to teach him the snake arm movement I'd learned in dance class the week before, making us both teary-eyed with laughter when his snakes were more like metal pipes than sinuous reptiles.

  When we'd calmed, I said, "And what about you? I didn't know about your dad."

  He shrugged. "I don't like to beg for sympathy so I don't talk about it much. My mom died of cancer two years ago. At that point Dad was only a little forgetful, but I think she knew something was happening. She made me promise to keep him at home and take care of him, and I said I would. I'd have said anything to make her happy at that point. But I don't know if I can do it forever."

  "Was today the first time he got out of the house like that?"

  He nodded. "He's slipped outside before, but he's always just sat on the steps to get some air. But today? That long walk and everything that could have happened?" He shook his head. "I don't know whether it's even safe to keep him at home any more."

  I sighed. "That's awful. I'm sure some of the places he could live would be really nice, but they wouldn't be his home. It's so good of you to do what you're doing, but it must be so tough for you too. It's not begging for sympathy at all to admit it's a challenge."

  His smile was sad. "I owe him after everything he's done for me all my life. But... yeah, it's hard sometimes. Jay and Wendy used to invite me out for drinks all the time, but since I never went they stopped asking. That Wonderland trip was the first time I'd been away from Dad other than for work in ages. And the 'Cats' play, but I only went there because Brent's cousin was in it. I basically just work then go home." He gave a grim laugh. "I haven't had a girlfriend since Mom died. I can hardly say, 'Sure, I'll date you. Bring over a movie and some night-time diapers for my dad.' No woman's going to put up with that for long. So I haven't tried."

  I wanted to protest, since I felt sure he'd be worth that sort of sacrifice, but I couldn't really. Sure, occasionally it'd be fine to stay at his place, but dating a guy who could never leave the house? Not a lot of fun.

  "I want some sort of sign, you know? Something to prove I'm doing the right thing."

  I nodded. "Seeing Alex again freaked me out. I'm sure we're not meant to be together but I'd love a sign too."

  "Well, I guess we have something of a sign here, right? An unexpected day off, which we're probably not supposed to spend obsessing over our problems. What do you want to do with it?"

  I racked my brain but came up empty, except for one thing. "All I can think of is going to a movie."

  He laughed. "That's my fault for mentioning movies. If there's something you want to see, though, we could."

  "I don't even know what's on."

  We sat in silence, and I mentally yelled at myself to come up with something. The poor man had his first day off in forever and we'd end up wasting it going "I don't know, what do you want to do?" all day long.

  Loren thumped his fist down on the table, making me jump. "We're thinking too hard. Quick, what's the first thing you want to do?"

  Kiss you. I couldn't say it, though. But I also couldn't think of anything else with that one standing in the way. "I don't know."

  He laughed, and I joined him. "We're pathetic, Andrea. I guess we'll just spend the day being pathetic together."

  "There are worse things." An idea hit me. "What would you usually do with a day off?"

  "Hang out with Dad and watch soap operas. He loves them because he can always remember what's going on. Because nothing ever changes."

  I laughed. "I watched one a few summers ago and then saw it again last year, and they were still talking about some guy's evil twin brother and whether or not he was really the guy or the brother."

  "Let me guess. The evil one was dead and the good one was pretending to be evil."

  "Close. I think the evil one was pretending to be good because everyone thought the evil one was dead. I forget where he'd hidden away the good one."

  He laughed. "I bet they're still on the same plot line now. But why'd you want to know what I'd be doing? Are you going to make me go home and do it?"

  I shook my head and explained the reversing project. I hadn't been doing it as much lately, since things were interesting enough without it, but I was still watching for opportunities to try new things.

  "I like that," he said when I'd finished. "Let's see. I'd be at home with Dad, but now I'm out with you so that's a good reversal. What else?"

  He pulled his mouth to one side as he thought, and the desire to grab him and kiss that mouth was almost more than I could bear. I had no idea why it was so strong. Sure, he was cute, but I wasn't anywhere close to being ready for a relationship. Neither was he, for that matter. He'd made that clear.

  Was that why? Did I want to break my 'never kissed anyone but Alex' streak with someone who couldn't ever be more than that?

  I didn't know, but I wanted it so much my lips tingled.

  "Hey!"

  I jumped, afraid he'd somehow realized what I was thinking.

  "I know what would be a reverse for me. I love reading car magazines. My car's ancient, as I know you saw, but someday I'd like something flashy and fast. I haven't been buying those magazines because it feels like a waste of time and money. But a little money to have hours of fun reading? It's worth it, right?"

  I smiled at his enthusiasm. "Absolutely."

  He sobered. "But that wouldn't be any fun for you."

  Watching him have a great day would be fun, but I could make it even better. "What about sitting at Starbucks while we read? I hardly ever let myself indulge since it's expensive, but some of their drinks are amazing. I could find a book or something too."

  He smiled. "Brilliant. Let's go."

  In fairly short order he'd bought two car magazines and I had picked up a novel about a musical theater group and we were sitting at a small table in the bookstore's Starbucks with overpriced delicious drinks in front of us.

  He sipped his chocolate concoction and gave a deep sigh. "You're a genius. This is exactly what I want to be doing at the moment."

  I smiled. "Me too."

  We sat together, not talking, just drinking and reading, and though we weren't interacting I felt closer to him than I had to anyone in a long time.

  Maybe ever.

  After reading a few pages I kept my eyes on my book but thought about him instead. Last week I'd seen the musical theater's drummer tuning his drum set and had wandered over to ask him why he was tuning the bottom skins of the drums since he'd never hit them there. He'd said, "Because the top and bottom skins both resonate when I hit the drum. If they're not in tune, they'll sound dissonant." Loren and I weren't remotely dissonant.

  I risked a glance up at him, then studied him openly when I realized he was too engrossed to notice. At first it had been all about his gorgeous eyes but I was pretty much used to those now. I still thought he was cute but it ran deeper than that. Deeper
than my admiration of how he cared for his dad, my appreciation of his admitting how he'd accidentally influenced Tina... I hadn't seen a single thing I didn't like about him. And I so wanted to know how he kissed, know how it felt to have another man's mouth on mine. This man's mouth.

  "What?"

  I came back to reality and blinked at him.

  "You're staring at me like I'm some weird bug. What's up?"

  I so strongly wanted to kiss him, and almost equally strongly knew it wasn't appropriate.

  Almost.

  I took a deep breath and spoke though it terrified me. "I have something to reverse."

  He grinned, obviously not remotely aware of where I was going. "Cool. What?"

  I swallowed hard and leaned a little closer to make sure nobody else could hear. "I've... I've never kissed anyone but my ex."

  I saw him recognize what I meant, and my already racing heartbeat sped up another notch when I also saw him like it.

  "Okay. Um. Should we get out of here? We could find a nice place outside."

  I couldn't imagine kissing him there surrounded by people. I couldn't imagine kissing him at all, but I was about to. I nodded again, too freaked out at what I'd said and what I was going to do to speak.

  He picked up his magazines and slid them into his plastic bag, and I handed him my book then joined him in throwing out a half-full drink and walking out of Starbucks and into the mall.

  He reached over and took my hand as we went, and his touch felt exhilarating and comforting at once. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back, and my terror faded a little. I'd been safe with him on the bungee ride and I'd be safe here too.

  We didn't speak until we reached the door to the street and saw raindrops spattering against it. He rested his free hand against the door and peered out. "You don't melt in the rain, do you?"

  Despite my nerves I had to laugh. "You calling me a witch?"

  He laughed too. "Not even close. Okay, come on."

  We burst out onto the deserted street and he guided me at a run to a stone archway nearby. The rain cascaded down around us but we were safe and more-or-less dry beneath it.

  We stood looking at each other, then he set the bag down between his feet, put his hands on my shoulders, and drew me a little closer. "Should I, or..."

  I shook my head and slipped my arms around his neck, even just that action sending shivers through me. I'd hugged him earlier but now was so different. That had been as friends. This was... something else. "I think I should." It wouldn't count if he did it.

  He nodded, and waited.

  I couldn't move. What if I was a terrible kisser? I might be. How would I know? Even worse, what if we couldn't be friends afterwards? Why had I even admitted it?

  He touched my cheek gently with one hand, his eyes intent on mine. "Are you sure you want to?"

  I nodded.

  "It's okay if you changed your mind. I won't be offended or anything."

  Even through my panic, my mind knew it hadn't changed at all. I shook my head without letting my eyes leave his.

  The corner of his mouth quirked. "Then pull the handle and off we go."

  Amusement briefly swept away my fear, and I pulled his head down and pressed my mouth to his.

  I didn't know what to do after that, though. It was hardly a kiss at the moment, but his lips were warm and unfamiliar and my senses were reeling. He didn't do anything, obviously letting me take control, so I held still until I'd gotten past saying "I can't believe I did it" over and over in my head then let my lips move against his.

  He followed, and we shared the sweetest and gentlest kiss. I was tingling everywhere, lost in the newness of his mouth. Everything was new: his big solid body in my arms, the unfamiliar scent of his woodsy cologne, the rich chocolate taste of his lips. New and amazing.

  Then I opened to him and he opened to me and everything changed.

  He slammed me tight against him and at the same instant I pulled him even closer, our mouths locked together hard and hungry, fire blazing between my legs and ripping through my body in a sudden explosion of fierce desire that burned me and terrified me and--

  I jerked my head back, gasping.

  "I'm sorry," he said at once. "I was trying to hold back but you felt so good and-- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you."

  I shook my head. "You didn't. It's not that." How could I explain what it was, how that had felt?

  He brushed a rain-dampened strand of hair from my cheek, his light touch setting me on fire again. "Then what?"

  I looked up into his eyes filled with confusion and guilt and a hunger that sent a bolt of pure heat down my spine, and told him the truth. "I've never felt like that before."

  The confusion in his gaze grew. "It was that bad?"

  "God, no. I..." I pressed my forehead to his shoulder because I couldn't say it looking into his eyes. "Everything just blew up. In me, I mean. It scared me. It was almost like it hurt, but it didn't at the same time. I don't know how to explain it."

  One hand wrapped around the back of my neck and held me gently close. "Yeah, I get it. Same here."

  Another flash of energy tore through me. He'd felt the same? It was supposed to feel like that?

  "It wasn't like that with your ex, I guess?"

  I shook my head. I'd wanted Alex, of course, but it had always been more of a warm glow than a violent passion. Even my climaxes had been a gentle wave breaking, not a tsunami. Maybe because we'd been so young at first?

  Loren cleared his throat. "Did you like it at all? Kissing me?"

  My whole body was still throbbing from it, and now that I'd calmed a bit the energy felt deliciously hot instead of painful. "I loved it. It just got to be too much."

  He squeezed me. "It's been two years since I initiated a kiss. Can I reverse that? Would you like that?"

  I looked up at him and smiled. "Pull the handle."

  He smiled too, then took my face in both hands and kissed me. I followed his lead this time, and again we savored a long sweet moment before he gently deepened the kiss. I tensed, both wanting and fearing the rush of sensation, and he eased back until I relaxed then moved in again. This time I was ready, and no part of his kiss registered as pain with me. Not even close.

  We kissed for a long time, moving from that near-violent hunger to sweet tenderness and back again, and it wasn't until I heard a grouchy voice say, "Excuse me!" that I realized the rain had stopped and people were moving around us.

  Loren shifted us out of the archway so the bitter-looking woman could go through, tucking us into a corner where we couldn't bother anyone else. Then he hugged me and whispered, "Way better than watching soap operas."

  I laughed into his shirt. "So true."

  He kissed the top of my head. "I hope I didn't disappoint you."

  "More likely I'd disappoint you. I have no idea what I'm doing."

  His arms tightened around me. "Then you're a natural."

  I shut my eyes and held on to him. I couldn't have picked a better man to kiss. I'd never forget it. "Loren, thank you. So much. It was perfect."

  He murmured, "I agree, and you're welcome," then after a few seconds added, his tone carefully light, "She's thanking me for letting her kiss me. It's official, I have definitely died and gone to heaven."

  I laughed. "You've been a good boy, you deserve it."

  He cuddled me closer then set me far enough away that he could see my face, although he kept his hands on my shoulders. Traces of the fire between us still burned in his eyes, but I could see he was trying to cool things down and I approved. Though I'd enjoyed it tremendously, we'd been more than a little too forward for such a public place, and since neither of us was ready for a relationship we shouldn't keep kissing. "So now what? Whatever you want. Back to the bookstore? Movie? Dinner?"

  I glanced at my watch. "Dinner? It's just past noon."

  He gave his head a theatrical shake. "It's like my brain's not working for some reason. Lunch then?"

 
It suddenly sank in. I'd kissed him. He'd kissed me. I'd loved it all. I'd taken a giant step toward removing Alex from my heart and soul. But was I putting Loren in them instead? His 'so now what?' question took on greater importance. Now what indeed? I didn't know what I was ready for, what he could handle, what he wanted, what he thought of me--

  "Hey."

  I looked up, to see him smiling at me. "It's okay."

  I frowned. "What is?"

  His smile widened. "Everything. Us. We're great. And we'll keep being great."

  I shook my head, smiling back. "You're a mind-reader now too?"

  He winked.

  I laughed, relieved we hadn't damaged our friendship, and said, "Well, then, tell me what I want to do now."

  I wanted to kiss him again, frankly, but I also needed some space, and he knew it. "I say you probably want lunch, and then I have a request. Could you help me buy some new shirts? I hate clothes shopping and I'm kind of stuck in a rut."

  "True. I don't think I've ever seen you in anything but blue."

  He pretended indignation. "I have a gray shirt."

  "Wild man."

  He tugged at the sleeve of my cobalt blue top. "Teach me the ways of bright color, oh great one."

  "I have a hot pink jacket you can try."

  "Teach me some of the ways, then."

  I laughed. "Let's go."

  We walked back to the mall, close together but not touching. I had no idea what would happen next, where our relationship was going, whether I'd ever kiss him again.

  The one thing I knew for sure? I'd never regret that reversal.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I went to work on Tuesday morning not at all sure what to expect.

  Loren and I had been together until seven o'clock on Monday. After lunch we spent a few hours finding new clothes for him, not just shirts but pants and sweaters too since once we got started he realized he needed a whole new wardrobe. Laughing with him as he did his best model impersonation, complete with Zoolander-style facial expressions, was the most fun I'd ever had shopping. In the end he branched out and bought a range of colors, although he did balk at the baby pink dress shirt I'd made him try on even though I insisted he looked great in it.