A Life That Fits

by Heather Wardell

  "Tell me you're not going to Loren."

  I knew I didn't have to justify myself but I told him the truth anyhow. "I don't know where I'm going. I'm just not going anywhere with you."

  He stared at me for another moment, then stood up. Without a word, he packed up his clothes and the few things he'd brought home with him, and without a word he walked out.

  I wasn't as shocked as the last time, but I cried harder. I didn't know what that meant, and I was so tired of trying to analyze the meaning of everything in my life.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  My first stop at the office the next morning was at Wendy's cubicle. She wasn't there, so I left a note asking her to come see me then went to my desk and tried to lose myself in work so I wouldn't have to think. I couldn't stay lost, though.

  Alex was gone. He'd texted me a bunch of times last night, at first saying he was sure we could work everything out but then turning nasty and blaming me for everything that had happened since he'd come back. When he went even further and also blamed me for his cheating, I turned the phone off and went to bed.

  Lying alone in the dark I'd cried a little, but stopped abruptly when I realized my stomach felt relaxed for the first time since I'd taken him back. Having him with me had literally sickened me. My gut knew I'd done the right thing. I promised it I'd listen to it more, and fell asleep.

  In the morning I'd deleted Alex's messages after turning the phone upside down first so I couldn't read them. I did consider waiting and asking Loren to delete them for me but that felt a little too forward.

  The mere thought of Loren made it impossible to get any work done, and I stared at my screen and let my mind go where it wanted to go.

  Was I going to try to be with him?

  I liked him so much, and the thought of losing him to someone else hurt. But my every instinct said I needed to be on my own for a while. How long? The instincts weren't forthcoming on that score. They simply believed I needed to figure out who I was without a man before I could know how I wanted to be with one, just as I'd realized at Loren's house.

  But they also knew, or at least were pretty sure, that no matter who I turned out to be I'd want to be with Loren.

  So should I go for it and hope that was true? Or wait to see who I was and risk losing him? Was waiting cowardice or a smart move?

  I sighed.

  "You okay?"

  I looked up. "Yup. Rough night. Come on in."

  Wendy settled into my guest chair. "What's up?"

  To my surprise, I suddenly didn't want to tell her. I didn't want Alex trooping right back to her. But why? It wasn't my concern who he dated.

  With a shock, I realized I wasn't concerned about him, I just didn't want Wendy to get stuck with him. The last tiny scrap of doubt about whether I'd made the right decision leaving him shimmered away. If only I could be as certain about Loren.

  Wendy waved her hand in front of my face.

  "Sorry. Having an epiphany. I wanted to let you know I broke up with Alex last night."

  She nodded slowly. "May I ask why?"

  "Of course. We used to be so great together but we're not now. Things aren't the same and they're not going to be. And to be honest I don't even want them to be."

  She flicked her gaze toward Loren's cubicle and raised her eyebrows.

  I shrugged. "I got accused of that, of course." I lowered my voice, although I didn't think Loren was in there. "I do like him, but I'm not sure I'm ready."

  "He's a sweetheart."

  "Trust me, I know. I couldn't do better, for sure. But right now I think maybe I should be on my own."

  She sighed. "I wish I had the courage to do that."

  I frowned. "Of course you do."

  She shook her head. "With Henry in my life, I can't be single. He's nasty enough when I have a boyfriend. When I don't, the 'dried-up old maid' comments fly fast and furious."

  "From that... pasty-faced homophobic jackass?"

  She laughed. "Don't hold back, let me know what you think."

  "Are you sure? It might get loud."

  She laughed harder and I joined her. When she calmed, she said, "Anyone who wants to dump on Henry is my best friend." She sobered. "His ten-year anniversary with Lee-Anne is coming up soon and they're having a party. I can't imagine going to it solo."

  I considered offering to go along, but I knew she didn't mean going with a friend would be enough. "Maybe Jay would go and pretend to be your boyfriend. Or Loren?"

  She grinned and nudged me. "You'd let me borrow Loren?"

  I laughed. "He's not mine."

  "Ah, but I think he could be. If you decide you want him."

  "I do want him," I said without thinking, and realized as I spoke that I'd never meant anything more. I shook my head. "I do. But... oh, Wendy. What am I going to do?"

  She leaned forward and gave me a hug. "You're great and so is Loren and I'd love to see you guys together. I get what you're saying about not being sure you're ready, but are you sure you're willing to risk losing him?"

  Cut right to the heart of it, why don't you? Cut right to the heart of me. I squeezed her back then we released each other and I sighed. "Honestly? No, I'm not remotely sure."

  Her smile was gentle. "I wish you all the luck in the world finding out."

  *****

  Wendy did more than wish me luck. She clearly told Loren I was single again, because he came to my cubicle after seeing Martin at noon, stood in my doorway looking unfairly cute, and said, "Will you have lunch with me tomorrow?"

  His obvious nervousness made it clear this wasn't simply a friendly invitation, and I knew he knew about Alex. "Don't you need to go home then?"

  He shook his head. "Dad's caregiver agreed to watch him over lunch."

  He stood waiting, and such a rush of emotion hit me that I could barely breathe. He was waiting, but I didn't feel even a hint of pressure. He wasn't pushing me. He'd never push me. If I said no, he'd go back to his cubicle and not ask again and we'd continue to be friends.

  What an awful thought.

  "I'd love to."

  His smile nearly made me cry.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Before leaving my cubicle after asking me out, Loren had grilled me on my food preferences and dislikes then said he knew the perfect place. From the outside it didn't look like much, but the interior, a deep dusky grey with only a few hints of vibrant red to break it up, felt cozy and intimate.

  We settled at our isolated corner table and smiled at each other, and my shoulders relaxed as I looked into his eyes. I felt like we'd left everything but ourselves behind. No issues had followed us into the restaurant, no worries about the future. Just me and him. Perfect.

  The food was spicy but not painfully hot, and delicious, and we ordered small portions of various dishes and nibbled from each other's plates and talked and talked and talked. I eventually asked him flat-out if Wendy had told him I'd left Alex and he admitted it without even considering lying.

  "And I'm sorry if it made you sad to leave him."

  I looked across the small table at him, my heart melting. I knew he'd wanted me to leave Alex, but his eyes were soft and sympathetic and no trace of triumph showed. He was genuinely concerned for my emotions. Alex hadn't managed that.

  Our eyes caught and held, and we both stood up at once. When we moved toward each other neither of us held back, and our kiss was sweet and soft and utterly gorgeous. When it ended, we hugged each other hard for a moment then he murmured, "We do pick the most public places."

  I laughed. "Exhibitionist."

  "Same to you."

  We returned to our chairs and I made myself refrain from looking around to see whether anyone had been watching. I didn't care what other people thought. I cared what Loren thought, and even more what I thought.

  What was I going to do?

  My instincts were still saying that I needed time to myself, but Loren's kiss had turned their volume nearly to zero. I'd never felt as right as
I did in his arms. I'd already seen how careful he was not to control or influence me, and I felt sure he wouldn't change that if we were actually together.

  We didn't touch each other again in the restaurant, but after an amazing lunch, for which he paid and refused to show me the bill, he pulled me into a little park on the way back to work and turned me to face him. "I like you, Andrea. I like you a lot."

  "I like you too," I said, looking into those gorgeous eyes. I knew where this was going and I still didn't know whether I could handle the destination, but I couldn't deny that I liked him. Our kisses were incredible, our conversations even better, and dating him might be best of all.

  He drew me closer. "It's okay if you don't... I'll understand if..." He cleared his throat. "Would you be my girlfriend?"

  His nervous awkwardness made him even cuter, if that were possible. My mind raced. Yes or no? I liked him so much. But I probably needed... but I might lose him.

  The thought of losing him wiped everything else from my mind, and I put my arms around his neck and said, "Yes. Please."

  He grinned, relief and happiness shining in his eyes, and bent to kiss me.

  Every time our lips met, it felt better, felt even more right. I kissed him back, loving every second, and let the heat between us keep me from worrying about the future.

  Chapter Forty

  Midway through the afternoon, while Loren and I were working away in my office and being determinedly professional, although the warmth in his eyes made me long to kiss him, Wendy appeared at my doorway.

  "Oh, sorry. I'll come back."

  I shook my head. "It's okay. What's up?"

  She shifted from foot to foot. "I need to tell you something."

  "Sure."

  "Not here."

  Loren pushed back his chair. "I could use a break. I'll go grab a coffee. Andrea, need anything?"

  "Tea would be great." I reached for my purse.

  "I got it, don't worry. Wendy?"

  She declined, and Loren headed out.

  "Geez, he's adorable," Wendy murmured, taking the chair he'd vacated. Once the sound of his footsteps had faded away, she said, "So? Are you guys..."

  I couldn't hold back my grin, but also had to say, "Thanks to you and your big mouth."

  She laughed. "Ah, you don't mind."

  I still had doubts I was ready to be with him, but they vanished every time I looked at his happy face and a matching happiness flooded me. "That's true, actually. I don't."

  Her amusement faded. "I hope you won't mind this. I... um..."

  I knew. I didn't care, and that surprised me, but I knew. "You're with Alex."

  She blushed and nodded. "I'm sorry. He called me and... I just can't be alone." She gave a grunt of laughter. "It's kind of like your reversing project. I reversed right back to Alex. I know it's awful, but I'm not as strong as you."

  "Alex isn't right for me but maybe he is for you. And I said yes to Loren, remember. I'm not so strong either."

  "Yeah, but he's great. Alex is..." Her blush deepened. "I guess I shouldn't say stuff like that to you."

  I smiled. "Hey, I broke up with him this time. I know how annoying he can be." I put my hand on her arm. "But are you okay with this?"

  She sighed. "I can't face that party alone. And if I bring Jay or Loren Henry will know it's a pity date. He likes Alex, so he might leave me alone."

  What an awful reason to take a guy back. "I hope he does."

  She tried to smile but it didn't work. "I hope you and Loren will be great together. And I think that's way more likely to come true than what I want."

  Chapter Forty-One

  Loren and I spent every possible moment together over the weekend and the first half of the next week, talking and laughing when Martin was around and adding cuddling and kissing when he took his nap and left us alone. I loved how Loren's kisses made me feel both physically and emotionally. Even when the hunger between us was overwhelming there was always sweetness too, and sweetness in his hugs and his smiles and the way he looked at me even when we sat on the couch watching TV with his dad. Loren really liked me, I could tell. And I really liked him too.

  But.

  When we weren't together, I felt strange, felt like I'd been in a huge room and now the walls were slowly closing in on me. I still had some space to move around but it was getting smaller all the time, and I was afraid of being crushed.

  I couldn't bear to think of leaving him. Already we were so close and so happy together. It was only when we were apart that things felt wrong. I was able to think, then, about how far I'd come since Alex dumped me and how much further I wanted to go, and to wonder whether I could go there with Loren in my life. But I hated thinking of not having him in my life, and so I stayed with him whenever I could so I couldn't think too much.

  I skipped knit night to be with him, and found myself wishing the musical theater wasn't on break so I could distract myself with it when he took Martin to his Alzheimer's group Tuesday night. Instead I spent the evening scrubbing my apartment then went to bed early.

  On Wednesday afternoon, my entire department went to a seminar, part of a series put on every few months by a Toronto data analyst organization. I didn't want to go, since I knew Anna and Gary and the rest of my old team would be there and I didn't particularly want to see them, but Dana insisted we all attend.

  Loren and I had agreed to behave ourselves at work, not wanting to be that annoying couple making everyone else uncomfortable in the office, but as we walked into the seminar he caught my hand and gave it a quick squeeze. When I looked over, he smiled and said softly, "Three hours here and then I take you out for dinner."

  I smiled back. He'd again asked the caretaker to cover for him, and while I felt bad that he wasn't getting his usual time with his dad I was happy to be with him and not rattling around at home trying not to think. "I'll be counting the hours."

  I did, too. I'd attended this seminar in the past with my old team and it had been boring then, but today's session reached new highs, or lows, of dullness. Though there were two presenters, one man and one woman, they somehow managed to be equally boring in different ways. Dana fell asleep at one point and had to be woken by a struggling-not-to-snicker Wendy, and the rest of us weren't far behind.

  A bit before the end time, the female presenter said, "Now, let's get to the part I'm sure you've all been waiting for."

  "Home time?" Loren whispered hopefully, and I stifled a giggle.

  "Our long-time attendees know we used to offer awards for the most well-done analytic projects. We've decided to start again, so today we'll be presenting three awards."

  I wrote, "Not home time," on my note page and pushed it to Loren, who read it then gave me a pouty face.

  I half-listened and half-daydreamed about going back to that delicious spicy restaurant for dinner as the first two awards were discussed and presented, then looked over at Loren in surprise when I heard him draw in a quick breath. He didn't look at me; he was studying the presenter.

  Confused, I listened, and immediately knew what had him so attentive. The project being discussed was undoubtedly our recent triumph. The presenter gave a glowing account of the tight deadline and complicated techniques, then said, "And it's even more impressive given that the two analysts involved have only just started working together. From KeySys Analysis, Andrea Forsythe and Loren Brown."

  Dana gave a whoop, and I laughed and hugged her before heading to the stage with Loren. We were both given a small plaque and an envelope by the male presenter, while the woman said, "You've each won a year's membership to the Toronto Analyst Group and a gift certificate to Toronto's Magma restaurant. Congratulations on an excellent project."

  We posed for a picture with the two speakers, and as we moved toward the stage stairs to return to our seats I couldn't resist running my eyes over the audience in search of my old bosses. My gaze met Anna's, and she nodded at me, her face full of surprise and clearly impressed. I glanced at Gary, who
looked like Anna had just told him off for losing me, and gave him a smile, then followed Loren back to my new team.

  The meeting broke up then, and Dana hugged me and Loren and said, "I hoped you'd win. You both worked so hard."

  "Thanks for putting us up for the award," Loren said, and I nodded.

  As we all left, Loren leaned in and said to me, "Two gift certificates? We'll have a great dinner there tonight. And maybe even tomorrow and the next night too."

  I tipped my head sideways and let it rest against his strong shoulder for a moment. I needed comfort all of a sudden. "Sounds good."

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Loren leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hand over his mouth. "You're sure?"

  I nodded because I didn't think I could speak.

  He dropped his hand to the table, close to mine but not touching. "I can't say I'm happy about this."

  "Me either," I whispered.

  His hand moved to cover mine. "Then..."

  I pulled away and cleared my throat to push away the tears. "I just can't. I went from my parents to Alex and now to you. I haven't been myself, on my own. I think I need to."

  I'd been fighting the rising realization that I wasn't ready to be with Loren for nearly a week, but last night I'd lost. We'd spent the evening together watching TV with his dad and then kissing and snuggling after Martin went to bed, and while I'd loved both parts I'd walked into my apartment and known I needed to have a real relationship with myself, as an adult, before I could have one with him.

  "We could take a break, maybe? Stay away from each other for a month or two. Whatever you need."

  I wanted to jump at that but knew I couldn't. "I don't think it'll work if there's a deadline on it. I hate this so much. You have no idea--"

  "Oh, I think I do."

  I swallowed hard at the pain and confusion in his voice. "Okay, you probably do. But I do hate it, and I wish it didn't have to be this way. But I honestly think it does. I'm not in the right place for a relationship right now."

  He nodded slowly. "I guess after all those years with one guy you'd want to get a little variety. I understand. Just be careful, okay?"