A Life That Fits

by Heather Wardell

After, we went out for drinks amid some pretend 'what if we all get sick again?' fears, and I showed off my boots and nearly every woman in the group, plus our waitress, demanded one of Tom's business cards.

  Another clothes-shopping expedition with Wendy, who adored my boots and also claimed a business card, netted me a vibrant blue coat for the upcoming winter instead of my old dull but practical black one, along with a sweater nearly the color of Loren's eyes.

  Loren. I loved all my activities and the fullness of my life, but no matter what I did or where I was, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Wendy was staying in touch with him and had informed us all at our weekly staff meeting that he was doing well in his new job. I asked her afterward to let him know I was thrilled for him, and she promised she would. I had no idea how he'd take that, or how they talked about me and my refusal to date him, but I had to let him know I still cared.

  Saturday, just over a week after Loren left the group, I was sitting at home struggling to keep my yarn-spinning spindle moving in the right direction when my phone rang. Though I knew it wouldn't be him, my heart jumped in hope, then settled when I saw the call display.

  "Hey, Wendy, what's up? Don't you have the--"

  "You have to help me," she said, quiet but intense.

  I set down the spindle. "Of course. What's wrong?"

  "Alex is in the bathroom getting ready to go to this damned party, and I just know I don't want to go with him. I finally see it. I'd rather go by myself and face Henry then be with him another second. That's crazy, right?"

  "You're asking the wrong person about crazy, my friend. But if you truly would rather go alone, then do it. Tell him he's not coming."

  "Forget that, I want to tell him I'll never see him again. I don't like him, Andrea, I just don't. You should hear him, he's being so nasty to me. I don't want him any more."

  "Then tell him that. Kick his butt out."

  "I will. I'll--"

  In the background, I heard Alex say, "You're on the phone? Hurry up, we have to go," in that same snotty tone he'd been applying to me far too often before I left him.

  "Tell him!" Then I added, "If you're sure," not wanting to pressure her.

  "Oh, I am," she said into the phone. Then I heard it click down onto a hard surface, but she didn't hang it up. "Alex?" Her voice wobbled even on that one word, and she cleared her throat before she said, "Go home."

  "What? We have to go. Henry's expecting us."

  The wobble was back but she said, "I am going. You're not."

  I sat frozen, afraid I'd somehow make a noise he could hear through the phone. I didn't know if she'd meant to let me hear this but there was nothing I could do about it but send supportive thoughts to her. She was saying strong words but her voice was still so weak, and I didn't know if she'd be able to stick to what I knew she wanted.

  "Come on, you know you can't handle it without me. Henry will take you apart. Don't be so stupid."

  Amazingly, he was actually being nastier to her than he'd been to me. He sounded exactly like Henry had when he'd said Wendy was stupid. Fire and fury flooded me on her behalf.

  Maybe I somehow took the heat of his comment from her, because her voice was ice-cold and strong when she said, "You will not call me that again. Get out. Now."

  "Fine, I'm sorry," Alex said, sounding like the kind of kid you want to slap. "Is that better?"

  Silence, and I imagined her standing staring at him.

  "You're serious? You think you can survive that party without me. Good luck. Henry's going to laugh in your face."

  "Better that than having you in my face. Go. And don't ever talk to me again."

  I had to cover my mouth to make sure my giggles didn't sneak through the line. Nice one, Wendy.

  Alex didn't say another word, but I heard a door slam then Wendy said into the phone, "Well, that's that."

  "Good for you."

  "Could you hear him? Did you like what I said?"

  "You were brilliant," I said honestly. "And he was obnoxious. Was he shocked?"

  "I'm imitating his fish face right now. I wish you could see it."

  "Me too. Show me tomorrow? Want to have lunch after my reading group?"

  "Definitely. That'll get me all fattened up for my aerobics class at one-thirty. And I'll let you know how the party goes."

  "Give Henry hell, okay? You know you're doing the right thing."

  "I do. And I will. You're awesome."

  "That'd be you. See you tomorrow."

  She hung up, and I sent all my strongest wishes out after her. I knew far too well that just knowing you're doing the right thing isn't enough to make it easy.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Wendy texted me the next morning to arrange our lunch date, but would only say "I'll tell you in person" when I asked how the party had gone. That worried me.

  Since she had her aerobics class after lunch, I'd called Mark and suggested he and I hang out for the afternoon. He'd agreed, and agreed again when I said, "Can you meet me at Setherwood Cafe at twelve forty-five? I'm having lunch with my friend Wendy there." I didn't want to force anything between them, but I figured they should meet. They were both my friends, after all. If they didn't hit it off, Wendy would be off to her class in a few minutes and no harm done.

  Once Wendy and I settled at our table I nearly forgot Mark was coming, so engrossed in her story. Henry had indeed been obnoxious about Alex's absence and had mocked Wendy, with those little snide cracks I knew he did so well, for not being able to hold onto her man.

  "I let the first couple go for Lee-Anne's sake. Didn't want to embarrass her. But then I was talking to a man who works with Henry and he came over and said, 'Oh, James, don't bother with her. She can't keep a boyfriend so she must be doing something wrong in the bedroom.'"

  I stared at her. "Right out like that?"

  "Oh, yeah. He pretended to be joking but he wasn't. James tried to defend me, I'll give him that, but what do you say, right? 'Oh, I'm sure she's amazing in bed.'?"

  "Yeah. So what did you say?"

  She smiled at me, her eyes dancing. "I got all serious and said, 'Oh, Henry, I'm so sorry.' He couldn't figure out what I meant, of course, so I said, 'I had no idea you've spent so much time worrying about my sex life. I should have told you it's just fine. Better than fine. I can give you the details if you want. Since you're so interested in what I do in bed. Obsessed, even.'"

  I burst out laughing.

  She grinned. "I played it up for all I was worth."

  "Wish I'd seen it. And what did he do?"

  "Well, he went like this a few times." She opened and closed her mouth, her eyes wide with fake shock. "Then he said, 'I didn't mean anything by it,' and James said, 'Then you should have kept your mouth shut' and I damn near kissed him."

  I grinned at her, then realized something. She looked different. I studied her, trying to figure out what had changed.

  "Do I have something on my face?"

  I shook my head. "Sorry. It's just... you look...." I squinted. "Different somehow." She took a breath but then I made the connection. "You look so happy. Your eyes are just shining."

  She grinned. "I have put up with Henry and his crap for ten years. Ten! Yesterday was the first time, the first time, I was able to shut him down, and I didn't need Alex to do it for me after all. And you know what? He didn't say another word to me until the party ended and then he gave me a hug goodbye like Lee-Anne always wants him to and he muttered that he was sorry. I changed everything with just that one comment. And yeah, I'm happy. I did it, all on my own, and I can do it again if I have to, and oh wow."

  I blinked, then looked in the direction of her fixed stare. "You like him?"

  "Quite."

  I waved. Mark waved back and started over. "I told you my friend was coming to meet me," I said innocently, loving her reaction to him.

  "You didn't describe him though. Quick, you're sure you don't want him?"

  I nodded.

  "You're th
e best friend ever," she whispered as Mark reached us.

  I introduced them, then said, "Mark, we've only got a few minutes with Wendy. She has a class so--"

  "No, I don't."

  I turned to her. "No?"

  "It was cancelled. I..." She paused, blinked once, then turned toward Mark. "Actually, it wasn't, but I'd rather hang out with you guys. If that's all right."

  I reached over and hugged her, so impressed with her newfound nerve.

  She hugged me back and whispered, "What's happening to me?"

  "You're doing what you want to do," I murmured back. "It's awesome."

  She squeezed me, then we let go as Mark said, "It's more than all right with me."

  The three of us spent nearly an hour together, chatting as if we'd been friends forever, then Mark said, "So, I've been wanting to see the new 'Hatchet Monster' movie. Would you ladies want to do that?"

  Wendy said, "Definitely. I adore Hatchet Monster."

  Mark blinked. "Seriously?"

  "She does. Her screen saver at work has quotes from the movies."

  "Are there any? Besides 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh, don't kill me!', I mean?"

  "There are a few," Wendy said. "Don't you remember?"

  She started rhyming them off, and he was able to finish nearly all her sentences.

  "See? You do know."

  He smiled at her. "And you weren't kidding that you're a fan." He turned to me. "You in too?"

  I shook my head. "I've read the first book, but I hated its movie so I probably won't like this one either. You guys go ahead."

  Wendy frowned and turned herself away from Mark. "You sure? I wasn't trying to take over your afternoon."

  I smiled, touched she was worried but not wanting to see the movie and definitely not wanting to get in the way of what a blind woman could see was a blossoming relationship between them. "I'm positive. I have yarn calling my name at home."

  We stood up, and Mark helped us into our coats then held each door for us on the way out of the restaurant. He did it unconsciously, because he always did it, but I saw its effect on Wendy and it made me smile.

  Outside, Mark said, "Well, Andrea, enjoy your yarn."

  "I will. Enjoy your blood and guts."

  We all laughed, and he said, "Absolutely." He turned to Wendy. "Ready?"

  She smiled into his eyes. "Definitely."

  Chapter Forty-Six

  A few days later, after dinner with a hopelessly smitten and adorably grateful Wendy, who'd barely been able to stop talking about Mark long enough to compliment me again on my new boots and how perfect they were with my brown skirt and aquamarine sweater, I walked into the same drug store where I'd bought my teal nail polish after Alex dumped me. I'd accidentally left the top off the bottle and the polish was rock hard, and while I was disappointed I was also glad for the opportunity to pick out something new.

  I wandered around, feeling relaxed and comfortable in my clothes and my skin, gathering a few other essentials and saving the nail polish section to savor at the end. When I reached for a tube of toothpaste, my right hand bumped into the left of a man, my fingernail clicking off his ornate gold wedding band.

  "Sorry," he said. "You okay?"

  I looked up and nodded. Cute guy, with a nice friendly smile. "I didn't scratch your hand, did I?"

  He shook his head. "Looks like we'll both survive."

  "Good." I smiled at him and moved on, pleased with how much more comfortably I handled this encounter than my first one in the drug store. I must be getting closer to getting over Alex.

  My stomach turned cold. Confused, I stood still for a moment, but nothing seemed to be causing the reaction. I took a few deep breaths and it eased, but it still worried me. I was missing something.

  Trying to relax, I browsed the magazines and picked up one on making jewelry, which I'd never tried but thought might be fun, then at last reached the nail polish. I studied them all in depth, enjoying the hunt for the perfect color, then jumped when a hand reached right in front of me.

  "Sorry, again." The man's smile was even warmer. "We're after the same things today."

  I blinked. "You need nail polish?"

  "My coworker asked for some clear. It helps with stocking runs, or so I'm told."

  True. But why was my stomach alerting me even more now?

  "Do you think this would work?" He pointed at a bottle with his left hand.

  His bare left hand.

  He'd taken off his wedding ring.

  Disgust flooded me, and hard on its heels came a horrible realization that tore through me like an electric shock. Some smart woman would snap Loren up, Martin and all, and I'd end up stuck with a sleaze ball like this guy.

  I couldn't let that happen.

  No, I wasn't ready to be with Loren full-time. But I hadn't even tried to find another way. Loren was sweet and smart and he understood me; maybe he'd have been willing to work something out. I hadn't tried.

  Another shock hit me as I remembered how awful my stomach had felt as I hugged him goodbye. It hadn't just been about his leaving; my instincts had known I was missing an option and had been trying to tell me. I hadn't heard them, hadn't understood. But I did now. And when I got over--

  A third shock, and suddenly everything seemed so clear. I was over Alex. I wasn't staying away from Loren because I needed to be over Alex. That had happened when I kicked him out of our apartment, when I'd taken control and reversed back to the life I wanted. My calm stomach the next day had been telling me so but I hadn't known how to listen. I was over Alex, and I cared about Loren, and there had to be some way to--

  "Hello?"

  I came back to myself and looked at the guy. "Why don't you put your wedding ring on and ask your wife?" I said, and walked away before he could answer. I left my stuff with the cashier, not wanting to waste time buying it, and raced out to start the journey of streetcar and subway and bus to Loren's house. I had to see him.

  At every switch of transportation, I fought not to bail out. I had nothing new to say, no plans or solutions to offer. I still couldn't be with him all the time. Nothing had changed since we'd said goodbye. So why was I going?

  Because my gut said I had to. Because my every instinct told me to keep moving toward him. Because I needed him in my life.

  I needed space to move around and grow and change, and I'd made sure I had plenty. Now I also needed the feel of his strong arms around me. At least sometimes.

  I might not be able to get that, I knew, but I tried not to dwell on it. I'd deal with it if he turned me down, but I knew he cared about me and I had to see if we could make it work. It was weird, I knew, and people would think it was bizarre to like each other but not be together all the time, but it felt so right to me. I'd reversed too many things, and I wanted him back in my life. We fit together.

  I rehearsed what I could say, about how I still couldn't be with him every day but would love to be with him somehow, and eventually had a nice little speech prepared.

  Though I tried not to, as I walked from the bus stop to his house I found myself imagining every possible response he might make. Anger that I'd assume he'd settle for so little. Happiness that I did still want to be with him. Annoyance that I'd caused us both so much pain.

  The one thing I didn't imagine was his front door being opened by a gorgeous blonde.

  "Can I help you?"

  I stared. "Um. Is Loren available?"

  "He's out at the moment, actually. But he should be home any time now."

  "I... okay."

  "Do you want me to tell him--oh, wait. There he is."

  I turned, heart racing, to see Loren's car pulling into the driveway. He sat frozen for a moment then walked toward me carrying a gym bag, confusion and hope in his eyes. His hair was messy and he wore jeans with a ripped knee. His open leather jacket revealed a gray t-shirt with sweat stains at the neck and dust smudged across it. I'd never seen him look better. "Hi," I managed.

  "Hi." He sounded as freaked
out as I felt. "I... look, can you wait here for a minute? It's not too cold, right? I need to talk to Dad and Clarissa, then I'll come out and talk to you. Okay?"

  I nodded, and he followed the blonde into his house.

  It was kind of cold out, but my new blue coat and my utter terror kept me warm. I leaned against the metal stairway railing, trying not to panic. She could be one of Martin's caretakers. But so pretty! I'd been afraid I'd lose him to someone else. Someone that gorgeous, and obviously caring given her job?

  I wrapped my arms around myself and struggled to stay calm. I didn't know. I would know soon but--

  The door opened and terror sparked through me but it was only Clarissa. "He'll be out in a second. Okay?"

  "Sure."

  She smiled and walked away.

  A few more panicked moments later, the door opened again. He stepped out and closed it behind him. "Hi." He looked wary but hopeful.

  My heart pounding so hard it hurt, I said, "Hi." We'd said that already but I couldn't think of anything else.

  He cleared his throat. "What's up?"

  My prepared speech was gone as if I'd done no rehearsing at all. "I... I really like you."

  He gave a single nod. "And I really like you."

  Joy filled me. "Still?" I whispered. "After what I did?"

  His eyes softened. "You told me the truth about what you needed. How could that make me not like you?"

  I wanted to kiss him so much, but I couldn't. Not yet. "Because I hurt you. Because I wasn't ready."

  He took a step closer. "Are you ready now?"

  Though I hated it, I had to shake my head. "I... look. I miss you so much. But I can't be in a relationship full-time. I just can't."

  His eyes searched my face. "Andrea, tell me why you're here."

  Frustration and confusion flooded me. "I don't know. I felt like I had to come. I had to tell you I want to be with you every day but I can't do it." I shut my eyes. "Which you already knew, so I don't know what I'm doing--"

  His warm mouth on mine silenced me. After a startled instant, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him in place so he wouldn't pull away. He didn't try; instead he drew me closer and kissed me slow and sweet, and I kissed him back and savored the delight of being with him again and somehow managed not to obsess about what would happen next. All that mattered was him and his mouth and the emotion in his kiss.