All I Want for Christmas Is a Cowboy

by Jessica Clare

  Oh. This was another thing that wasn’t adding up. “My brain’s scrambled. I’m having a hard time remembering names and faces. Rose, who’s Ken again?”

  “Hmph. My boyfriend, silly. Ken Wallis? Star of The Eyes of the Queen? The Titanic remake? He was also in that stupid space movie. What’s it called?” She snapped her fingers, the echo on the other side of the phone. “Space Avengers? Something like that. The one all the fangirls scream over.”

  “Starship Avengers,” Cass said faintly, and a face slid into her memories. A handsome, bronzed god with blond hair and a megawatt smile.

  Oh my god. That was Ken. Cass was a cheating ho two times over. Not only was she lying to Eli, but she was lying to her friend Rose, too.

  What kind of monster was she?

  “I’m going to throw up again,” Cass blurted into the phone.

  “What?”

  “I have to go,” she said quickly, getting to her feet.

  “Well, call me back once you’re done purging—” Rose began, but Cass hung up on her before she could finish the sentence.

  Hysterical, she threw the phone down on the sink and watched it skid across the counter. She regarded it like she would a snake. She’d known that picking it up again would ruin the fragile peace she’d found, and she was right.

  The Ken that was texting her had to be Rose’s Ken. And it was clear from the texts that they had a rather personal relationship. You didn’t text your girlfriend’s assistant and tell her that you missed her face unless there was something shady going on.

  She was clearly cheating on Rose . . . and Ken . . . and Eli.

  Cass buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Eli was in a pretty damn good mood that day.

  He whistled as he unspooled hay for the cattle, hummed a Christmas song (even though the holiday was over) while he repaired fences, and basically thought about Cass all day long. He’d never been so happy with another human being. He’d dated, sure. But none of them quite compared to Cass. Heck, even thinking about them right now, the details in his head were fuzzy because they weren’t Cass. She’d ruined him for other women, and happily so. She was kind, sweet, thoughtful, and beautiful, and she seemed to take to ranch life. He’d caught her talking to the chickens and sneaking carrots to the horses, and each time he did, it warmed his heart a little more.

  Cass was the one for him. He had no doubt. He got tired of most people, but he never got tired of her. That was pretty incredible on its own. The explosive yet tender sex between them? Icing on top. He’d never been happier, and so when Doc Parsons pulled up to the ranch in his truck and waved, instead of groaning, Eli greeted him with a return wave.

  “You’re in a good mood,” Doc called as he exited the truck. “I take it that our patient is doing well?”

  “Cass is great,” Eli said. “Unless by ‘your patient’ you meant one of the cows. In that case, I’ve got one in the barn that can’t shake her cold.” He gestured at the building behind him.

  Doc squinted. “I’ll be damned. Did you just make a joke, Eli Pickett?”

  Normally he would have scowled. Today, he just grinned.

  Doc’s eyes widened. He gave Eli a knowing smile. “I take it the company wasn’t too much of a burden over the last while, then.”

  “Nope,” Eli drawled, swinging his leg off the side of his horse and dismounting. “It’s good to see you, Doc. How’s things over at Swinging C?”

  “Can’t complain, can’t complain,” Doc said easily. “All the cattle are alive and so am I, so it’s been a good month.” He rubbed his jaw, stroking his wiry white beard. “How about over here? I bet you’re more than ready for the others to come back from their vacations so you can have a breather.”

  He considered that for a long moment. Was he? There was no doubt that the workload was enormous when it was only him. But at the same time, it was nice to have the time alone with Cass. He envisioned them a few years down the road with their own small ranch. Less cattle, so he could run things on his own, but just the two of them and a couple of dogs. The idea filled him with such intense longing that he swallowed hard. Turning back to Doc, he gestured at his horse and then patted it on the nose. “Let me get Betsy into the stable and I’ll introduce you to Cass.”

  They entered the house, and Eli didn’t see Cass in the living room. Normally, this time of day, she was curled up on the sofa, watching the puppies as Frannie tended to them. “Babe?” he called out, ignoring Doc’s raised eyebrow. He didn’t care if the man put together that he and Cass were a couple. Let the whole world know—Eli was fine with that. Cass was his and that was all there was to it.

  A muffled sob met his ears.

  Frowning, Eli headed for the hallway toward the bedrooms, Doc at his heels. As he approached, Cass emerged from the laundry room with a pile of clothing in her arms. Her eyes were red and swollen, and she took one look at him, burst into tears again, and then rushed into the bedroom.

  “Cass? What’s wrong?” Eli forgot all about Doc and followed her into his room. His stomach clenched when he saw that her suitcase was out on the bed and she was hastily stuffing clothing into it.

  “I can’t stay,” she choked out. “I have to go. Today. Tonight. Now.” Her shaking hand fluttered over her face, swiping at the tears on her cheeks.

  Eli tried to think of something to say. All that came out was, “What?”

  “I have to leave,” Cass stated again. She didn’t look him in the eye. Instead, she shoved a pair of jeans into her suitcase and crammed a shoe—items she’d just unpacked hours ago—on top of it. “I need to get out of here. I called a tow truck and it’s meeting me in an hour and—”

  “Wait, a tow truck?” He didn’t understand. Just this morning, they’d woken up before dawn with kisses and caresses, and he’d stayed in bed with her far longer than he should have, simply because he couldn’t bear to leave her side. She’d been full of soft smiles and promising glances, and when they’d made love, she’d come so sweetly that he’d wanted to spend all day in bed with her. This turnabout made no sense. “Cass, what is it? Are you hurting? Doc’s here, he can take a look at you—”

  Cass shook her head, almost violently. The shoe she held in her hand wouldn’t fit into the suitcase, and she shoved it twice before pulling it out and then clutching it against her breast. “You don’t understand. I just—I can’t stay, all right?” Her voice rose a hysterical note, and fresh tears poured down her face. “I just can’t stay here! I just can’t!”

  “Baby—”

  “No! No baby,” she sobbed and collapsed on the floor, still holding her shoe. “I can’t be your baby.”

  “Why don’t I just wait outside while you talk?” Doc said in a mild voice. “Call me if you need me.” He edged out of the hallway and Eli could hear his boots as he moved into the living room and then out the front door.

  Then Eli was alone with Cass. He sank down onto the floor next to her, putting a hand on her back as she sobbed against her shoe. “Cass, honey,” he began, careful not to use the word “baby” lest it set her off again. “Tell me what’s bothering you. Tell me what’s wrong. I don’t understand.”

  “I need to g-go home,” she managed through chest-shaking sobs. She wouldn’t look at him, her head bent and her shoulders slumped. It was like all the life had gone out of his vibrant girl. Just this morning, her blue eyes had gleamed with amusement and fun. Just this morning, her smile had been bright and cheery. What had happened? What had changed between now and then?

  “You can go home soon enough,” he told her, even though he hated saying the words. Truth was, he didn’t want her to go home. Maybe ever. Of course, that wasn’t realistic. Even if she wanted to stay with him, she’d still have to wrap up things wherever she lived, he imagined. She couldn’t just disappear into Wyoming forever. “If you need to make some
calls or make arrangements, I can help you with that—”

  “No,” she said firmly, and the shaking eased from her voice. She flicked her fingers over her cheeks again, dashing away tears. “I need to go home today, Eli. I can’t stay. It’s wrong.”

  His stomach clenched with dread, but he didn’t plead with her to change her mind. He needed to understand this, even if his soul was icing over at the thought of her leaving. “What’s happened that made you need to leave today? Is it your parents? Is someone sick?”

  For the first time since he came in the room, Cass looked up at him. Her eyes were so full of sadness and hopelessness he was taken aback. This wasn’t like her. She never looked, even when she was dazed and injured, as hopeless as she did now. “I can’t tell you, Eli.”

  “Why?”

  Her lower lip trembled and she looked ready to collapse again. “Please don’t ask me.”

  An exasperated sigh escaped him. “Cass, you know I’m going to ask. I love you. I’m worried about you. How can I not want to know what’s going on?”

  At his words, though, she just started crying even harder. “I’m the worst person ever.” She hunched over as if physically in pain, her shoulders shaking.

  He rubbed her back. “No, no, baby, you’re not. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re sweet and you’re generous.” When she shook her head silently, he continued. “It’s true. You’re not much of a cook and you tend to not pay attention, but I don’t think those are bad things. That’s just who you are. You’re just so eager to experience things you get distracted.” He forced a chuckle out of his throat to make his words seem lighter. “The animals love you. Look at how much Frannie adores being around you. The horses get excited every time you come in the barn now, because you give them carrots and sugar. You have such a good heart. I can’t believe that you’re this awful person that you’re convinced you are. You’ll never get me to believe that, Cass. Never.” He rubbed his hand up and down her back, trying to soothe her. When she shook her head silently, he continued. “That doesn’t matter, though. If every animal on this damn ranch hated you, I’d still love you because you’re you, Cass. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I love you. I love your smile and your heart and the way you’re determined to see sunshine in every day. That’s why it’s killing me to see you cry like this. Let me help you. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I’m a bad person,” she whispered.

  “From what I’ve seen of you, that’s just not true.”

  “But you’ve only known me two weeks,” she said brokenly. Her shoulders slumped even more and she wavered, as if she wanted to lean on him but didn’t trust herself to do so. “That’s not enough time.”

  “It’s enough for me,” he said stubbornly. “You’re not going to convince me that you’re a bad person, because I’m just not going to buy it, sorry.”

  “You don’t know the real me,” she insisted. “The real me might be an animal hater. An asshole of the highest order. The real me might be a con artist and a horrible person all around. You don’t know the real me because she’s been gone from my head for the last two weeks.” Cass pressed a fist to her brows. “When she comes back, you’ll realize what a mistake it was to get involved with me—”

  “Bullshit,” he said, his voice firm. “You think that you’re going to find out all these awful things about yourself the moment you get your memories back? People don’t change, Cass. You are who you are, and I think the person I know, the person I’ve spent the holidays with, is the same person I see before me. She’s loving and kind and eager to please. She’s thoughtful and sweet. She’s—”

  “She’s not me,” Cass said softly, heartbreak in her eyes. “You may think she’s me, but she’s not. And it’s because you’ve only known me for two weeks, Eli.”

  “I’ve known you long enough to fall in love with you.” He reached up and stroked her hair, then put a finger under her chin, trying to get her to lift her gaze to his when she dropped it again. “I’ve seen enough to know who you are inside, and I love that woman. Nothing you can say can convince me that I don’t love you.”

  “You don’t know me, though,” she insisted. “You don’t know who I am. I’m not even sure I know who I am.”

  “Then stay with me and find out.” Eli took the shoe out of her tight grip and placed it on the bed. He took her hand in his and felt it trembling, and he wanted to crush her against his chest and hug all of the terror out of her. He simply held her hand for now, though. “You can stay here at the ranch with me. Your memories can take all the time they need to come back. We’ll figure out who you are together. You can help out with chores if you want to earn your keep, and you can have little Joy. I wanted to give her to you, but I wanted it to be a surprise. Now seems as good a time as any.” Especially if it could bribe her to stay. “I know it’s a late Christmas present, but I figured you’d be all right with it.” He lifted her hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “Stay, Cass. If you find out something about yourself that you don’t like, we can talk it through. We can work on things together. And if your memories don’t come back, we can create new ones. Together.”

  She lifted her eyes to his again, and there was such longing and misery in them. He didn’t see the hope that she normally carried with her, and the pit of his stomach felt like ice. It didn’t surprise him when she shook her head again, or when she pulled her hand from his. “I wish I could stay, Eli. I really wish I could. But I can’t. I need to leave, no matter what, before I make things worse.”

  “I love you,” he told her again, desperation in his voice. He cupped her face and tried to kiss her. She pulled away, turning so her mouth wouldn’t meet his.

  In that moment, he felt like he lost her. He didn’t know how or why, but she was gone.

  And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

  * * *

  • • •

  She didn’t kiss him goodbye. She couldn’t.

  As much as she wanted to give Eli one last kiss, to tell him how much she loved him and how much the last two weeks had meant to her, she didn’t dare. If he knew who she really was, he’d look at her with loathing instead of sadness. She couldn’t take that. It would destroy her inside if her last memory of him was one of him looking at her with disgust.

  Cass knew he didn’t understand why she was leaving. She knew he blamed himself, no matter how many times she said it was her and not him. She couldn’t make him understand, though, not without spilling the truth. Maybe when she was ready, she’d tell him all about what a horrible person she was and how she’d pretended to be someone virtuous for about two weeks, just long enough for them to fall in love. He’d realize that he’d dodged a bullet and be grateful instead of frustrated, and that would be the end of things.

  But right now, it was all too fresh, and all of it hurt.

  She packed her suitcase and put it in the back of Doc’s truck, since he’d volunteered to take her to meet the tow truck at the pass. Eli had volunteered, too, but she’d opted to go with Doc. Maybe it would hurt less if she did. The parting would be less brutal. There’d be less crying.

  Oh, who was she kidding? She was on the verge of tears and she hadn’t even left the ranch.

  It was because Eli stared at her, his heart in his eyes, begging her to stay. To explain to him. To help him understand. He didn’t move from his spot in the doorway, just watched her with an intensity that made her skin prickle with awareness even as she got into the truck across from Doc. She calmly put on her seatbelt and set her purse in her lap.

  “Ready?” Doc asked.

  “Sure,” Cass said, her voice brave . . . and then she crumpled. She pressed her hands to her face and tried to stop the sobs from erupting from her chest.

  A hand was at her side, suddenly, and she looked over to see Eli. He’d reached through the window of the truck a
nd grasped her hand tight in his. The expression on his face was intense, and when he tipped his hat back, she saw the look in his eyes was only for her. “I don’t know what this is, Cass, but I know how I feel about you hasn’t changed.” He squeezed her fingers. “You do what you have to do, but know this—I’m going to be here. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m going to keep Joy, because she’s yours. When she’s old enough to leave Frannie, you can come and get her, or have someone come and get her for you, if you like.”

  Did he think she was upset about the puppy? Her heart was breaking and it was entirely his fault. She’d fallen so hard for him but the person he thought she was didn’t exist. Instead, she was the worst kind of liar—a cheater. “You don’t have to do that,” she told him, aching.

  “She’s yours,” he stated again, voice firm. “Just like I am. And when you’re ready for me, I’ll be here, too.” He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles, and Cass felt like her heart was breaking all over again. She wanted to tell him she loved him, but the words wouldn’t escape.

  She didn’t trust herself not to hurt him more than she already had.

  If Eli was disappointed in her silence, he didn’t show it. He gave her fingers one last squeeze and then gently put her hand down. “No more crying, baby.” He thumped his hand on the truck door and nodded at Doc. “Be here if you need me.”

  Or if she changes her mind, was the unspoken addition. They all knew it.

  But Cass wasn’t going to change her mind. Eli deserved better than her. It might not seem like it right now, but he’d thank her later on.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  New York City didn’t feel like home, which was weird since it truly was her home. But Cass didn’t feel settled or at peace when she took a taxi to her building, went up the elevator to her floor, and opened the door to her apartment. This didn’t look much like home, either. It was neat and clean and gray, the walls painted a slate shade and the flooring a pale white. Artful decor was placed on the decorative shelves built into the wall, and her sofa had carved legs and tiny lace throw pillows. It looked chic and together and wholly unlived in.