The Life I Now Live (The Unspoken Series)

by Marilyn Grey

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Ch. 1 | Heidi

  Ch. 1 | Patrick

  Ch. 3 | Heidi

  Ch. 4 | Patrick

  Ch. 5 | Heidi

  Ch. 6 | Patrick

  Ch. 7 | Heidi

  Ch. 8 | Patrick

  Ch. 9 | Heidi

  Ch. 10 | Patrick

  Ch. 11 | Heidi

  Ch. 12 | Patrick

  Ch. 13 | Heidi

  Ch. 14 | Patrick

  Ch. 15 | Heidi

  Ch. 16 | Patrick

  Ch. 17 | Heidi

  Ch. 18 | Patrick

  Ch. 19 | Heidi

  Ch. 20 | Patrick

  Ch. 21 | Heidi

  Ch. 22 | Patrick

  Ch. 23 | Heidi

  Ch. 24 | Patrick

  Ch. 25 | Heidi

  Ch. 26 | Patrick

  Ch. 27 | Heidi

  Ch. 28 | Patrick

  Ch. 29 | Heidi

  Ch. 30 | Patrick

  Ch. 31 | Heidi

  Heart on a Shoestring Sample

  Heart on a Shoestring

  QnA with Marilyn

  The Life I Now Live

  by Marilyn Grey

  Book #3 in

  The Unspoken Series

  Best after reading Where Love Finds You

  and Down from the Clouds

  Copyright

  WINSLET PRESS

  The Life I Now Live

  Copyright © 2013 by Marilyn Grey

  To learn more about Marilyn Grey, visit her Web site:

  www.marilyn-grey.com

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or bay any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, etc.—except for quotations in reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Contact the publisher at: info@winsletpress.com

  ISBN-10: 0985723521

  This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of either the author or the publisher.

  Cover & Interior Design by Tekeme Studios

  Printed in the United States of America

  First Edition: November` 2013

  Dedication

  To:

  Laura Dobb

  For:

  Being an amazing and fun reader

  and fan of The Unspoken Series

  Ch. 1 | Heidi

  Snowflakes piled up on each other as I rocked Riley to sleep. The ground turned white as I thought of the things I kept hidden. The rings on my left hand sparkled in the glow of a candle, reminding me of the lies. I tried to convince myself that a secret is only a lie if it harms someone. For so long my secrets only harmed myself. Now, sweet Patrick introduced himself to my life and pretended to not fall in love with me. And my secrets would harm him if he got too close. So I built a wall between us to keep him from the truth. The heartbreak.

  I called him my best friend. Nothing more. He accepted that. He accepted everything. Sometimes I wished he weren’t so nice. Sometimes I wished he would pry the truth out of me and set me free. But he didn’t know. No one did. My lies were so real that I grew to believe them myself.

  Snowflakes pressed against the window. I placed Riley in her crib, on her side like she liked. Her eyes flickered and then closed. I longed for the kind of peace she had. Soon life would steal it from her too. A life of many painful surgeries and nights in the hospital. A life without her father.

  I laid my cheek against the cold window. Inhaled.

  “You can do this,” I whispered to myself.

  My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. A text from Ella.

  I ignored it.

  I loved Gavin and Ella. Who wouldn’t? Most loving people I’d ever known. But that’s not all. They were also the happiest and most gorgeous couple I’d ever known. I know they had their histories too. We all do. But they handled everything so well. Together. They were everything I ever wanted and nothing I ever had. They were beautiful. And if you looked under the delicate mounds of snow on my heart you wouldn’t find beauty. The sheet of white hid a landfill of lost hopes and dreams. Brokenness.

  I often wondered if I’d ever be able to start over. Start a new life with Patrick. A life so different from anything I’d ever known.

  I tiptoed across the room, closed the door, and walked downstairs. Patrick must’ve cleaned the kitchen for me. Again. Something Andy never had enough time or energy to do for me. Not since his promotion. The one that sucked the life from our marriage.

  I grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the couch. Patrick’s shoes were still on the floor by the door. He must’ve stayed.

  I peeked outside. The wind blew snow on my face. I breathed in the winter air and shut the door.

  “Hey,” Patrick said. Voice quiet, eyes concerned.

  “I can’t believe you waited so long. I thought you left.”

  “That was the plan, but something isn’t right with you tonight. I didn’t want to leave you here alone.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “You’re not okay.”

  I wanted to tell him the truth. Tell him what he was getting himself into. Instead, I touched his hand, lingered there for a second, and walked away. Back to the couch.

  “Okay,” he said from behind me. “I am just going to be a straight up with you.”

  I waited. Looked down at my stomach. The stomach that once held another life. A life that wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Andy and our love.

  “Are you listening?” he said. “Heidi, I need you to look at me.”

  He knelt down on the floor beside me. Took my hand.

  I jerked. “No, Pat. I can’t.”

  He looked at his hand, then laughed. “I look like I’m about to propose, huh?”

  I nodded. Confused.

  “I just knelt here. Didn’t mean to scare you.” He half-smiled and sat beside me. “I’m not proposing until your hand is free to accept the ring.”

  It sounded like he already had the ring. My stomach turned as my my heart fought between excitement and anxiety. I know it seemed crazy to most people around me, but I was still married. Andrew Chase was dead to the world. His ashes spread across the hills of America. To me, though, he was still alive. The echoes of his heart still beating to the rhythm of my own heart.

  Ella thought of me as admirable. She never said a word, but I knew she didn’t approve of Patrick. She wanted us to stay faithful to our dead spouses. Her idealism could choke the life out of any normal person if she let it. Most people can’t live like that. Sure, it’s ideal, but not easy. If only she knew why I wanted to stay faithful, maybe then she’d realize I’m not as romantic as I seem. Just scared. Scared and alone.

  “What’s wrong?” Patrick said as I wiped my eyes.

  I shook my head and reclined on the couch. Patrick sat at my feet, afraid to touch me, but I could tell he wanted to.

  “Look,” he said, eyes ahead. I couldn’t help but notice his defined jaw and the muscles in his neck. “I didn’t want to say this, but I love you Heidi. I love what we have. I love who I am when I’m with you. I love you.” He exhaled and looked at me. “There. I said it.”

  I looked down, trying to hide the tears. I wanted him so much. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and let him love me. I wanted to run away from the past and start a new life with him. But what I wanted didn’t matter. I needed to s
tay faithful to Andy. I had no choice.

  I promised. And I feared breaking this promise. Not because I’m a wonderful person. Because I would always live my life wondering “what if” and what could’ve been. That wouldn’t be fair to Patrick.

  I reached for his hand. My heart tearing at the edges, but staying in tact. I loved him. I really did. But never in a million years could I tell him. Allowing Patrick into my heart meant saying goodbye to Andrew. Forever. My Andy. My first love.

  I twirled the rings on my finger and looked at Patrick. “I know you love me. I know our friendship is special. I appreciate you a—“

  “You appreciate me a lot, but you don’t love me. You still love Andy.”

  I nodded, tears fending for life on my lashes. I blinked and watered my cheeks. “Life doesn’t make sense, Pat.”

  “It makes perfect sense,” he said. “I married a girl I loved more than my own life, and she happened to love her own life more than she loved me. It would only make sense that I’d fall for a woman who loved another man more than she could ever love me.”

  I watched him speak. He continued pouring his heart into my hands as I focused on his lips. He was more attractive than Andy. Than any guy I’d ever been with. Short chocolatey hair. Eyes the color of the Atlantic Ocean. Fit, but still looked cuddly.

  He kept talking. I couldn’t focus on his words. Not with his rolled up sleeves highlighting his wrists and hands. It had been so long since I’d been with a man. Felt the warmth of a man’s touch on my skin in a way only lovers embrace.

  I shoved the thoughts into a mental drawer and locked it.

  “Pat.” I stood. “I want you to know that I care about you a lot. I really do. I know you’ve had a difficult past. I have too. But I need to do this. Please, trust me when I say it’s not you. You are amazing. It’s me. It’s all me.”

  He stood. Inches from my face. My lips silently begged him to come closer, but I couldn’t. I stepped back. Looked down and caught my breath.

  “I need to get some rest,” I said. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  He kissed my hand, respectfully, tipped his hat, and walked out of my house. I watched his car drive out of sight and broke down on the living room floor. I hated what my life had become. I hated that the only lovers I had known were Andy and my tears. One gone, the other unwanted. And I hated that a gorgeous man with an even more amazing heart wanted to lead me to a better life. A life I desperately wanted my entire life, but it was too late. I already sent my heart to someone else, self-addressed stamped envelope not included. I couldn’t get it back. Even if I wanted to.

  Ch. 2 | Patrick

  When I woke to my phone beeping at 3:17am my heart raced, hoping I’d see her middle of the night declaration of love for me.

  I rubbed my eyes and read her text.

  You awake?

  Yes, I responded.

  A few minutes passed. I turned on the light and sat up. No response.

  I texted again. Everything okay?

  Sorry. Riley woke up. I can’t sleep. I have this weird nightmare sometimes. It’s been happening a lot lately. Can you come over?

  I didn’t hesitate. Yes, I had to work the next day, but somehow you need less sleep when you’re in love.

  I parked in front of her house sixteen minutes later, unlocked the door, and looked around. Every room downstairs was lit up. No sign of her. I went upstairs and knocked on her door. Nothing. Peeked in Riley’s room and saw them both asleep in the rocking chair. I lifted the baby and put her in the crib, covered her in a pink blanket, and walked back to Heidi. Still flopped over asleep in the chair. I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom, laid her head on the pillow, and pulled the sheets up to her neck. She curled onto her side and smiled.

  “I’m here if you need me,” I whispered, then grabbed a pillow and a fleece blanket from the closet.

  After one more look at her sleeping face I made myself comfortable, or as comfortable as I could, on the floor beside her bed. I bet it wasn’t more than an hour when I woke to a bang and a high pitch scream.

  I jumped up and looked around the room. Heidi stared at me, in a daze.

  “What just happened?” I said.

  She flopped backwards onto the pillows. “These dreams. I keep having these dreams that someone is after me.”

  “No one is after you.”

  “I don’t feel safe here.” She closed her eyes. “I’ve never lived alone before, and now that I have a baby to protect I feel even more paranoid.”

  “I can understand that,” I said. “But there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  “What if you bought the house across the street? It’s been on the market for a year.”

  “I can’t. I’m already paying for my apartment plus helping you out with this mortgage. There’s no way I could pay for two mortgages at once.”

  “What if you moved in with me? You could fix the basement up and live there.”

  I chewed the inside of my cheek and considered the possibility. “I don’t know. Might be weird for Riley. She’d grow up thinking of me as her uncle and that’s not what I want to be.”

  Her eyes opened. She turned her body toward me. I stood there. Arms at my sides. Wanting to hold her. To be hers.

  “What do you want to be?” she said, a hint of flirtation in her voice.

  “Don’t play with me,” I said. “You know what I want. It’s not a game, Heidi. We’re not in middle school. This isn’t a check yes or no if you like me game. I love you, okay? What more can I say? I want to be with you. If that means I’m your best friend until the day I die, then okay. I can deal with that. But you know what I want.”

  She sat up. “Why, Pat? Tell me why. How can you love me? We barely know each other.”

  “Not true.” I sat beside her. “You know me well and I know you as well as anyone can. You don’t let many people in right now. I think I’m as close to you as someone can get.”

  “But what about me do you love?” She wasn’t playing. She was serious. “And don’t say everything.”

  “There’s not just a list of qualities, although I could give you plenty of those. It’s us. What we have. I love what you and me equal.”

  She thought for a moment, then said, “What about Gavin and Ella?”

  “What about them?”

  “You think we have something like them?”

  I laughed. “No one does. That’s their own thing. Ella creates love stories wherever she goes. You’re not Ella. I’m not Gavin. But that doesn’t mean that what we have is anything less special. It’s just us. It’s the picture you see when the puzzle pieces find their match. I like this picture.”

  She reached for my hand. Squeezed, then let go. “It’s more complicated than that.”

  “It’s not. You’re just making it that way.”

  “You don’t understand. There’s more to the story, but I’m not allowed to say anything.”

  “Says who?”

  “I can’t say.”

  Man, it killed me to walk away from her. I never imagined falling in love again. Not after the hell on earth I endured with Emily. When she died I told myself no woman would ever be worth that again. You spend your life fighting for a girl only to have her give up and die, and that was before the cancer killed her. It certainly doesn’t make you want to fight again.

  Maybe this sounds bad, I don’t know and I really don’t care, but I wanted to be fought for too. Not in a damsel in distress kind I way. I was no damsel and I wasn’t quite distressed. Yet.

  I wanted to be loved. Really loved. Like my friends. Gavin and Matt. Their wives smiled at them from across the room with such sweetness. Lydia went through a lot as she waited for Matt to choose her. She fought. She gave up something.

  Why did I fall for women who were locked behind walls with no windows? Heidi was different than Emily. She didn’t seem as depressed. Just sad. And the chemistry between us. She hid from it, but there’s no mistaking those kind of sparks. Still. She st
ood behind an enormous brick wall and I wasn’t sure I had the energy to chip at the bricks.

  If only I had a grenade, I thought. That would work.

  I walked into my apartment, took my shoes off, and immediately got into bed. Midnight. About the time I always went to bed now that I spent most nights with Heidi.

  Her face lived in my mind. A permanent resident. I closed my eyes and saw her. Tears running down her face. I wanted to know her. To get behind the wall and find out what she really felt.

  She made it so difficult. Looking down and seeing that ring on her finger didn’t help. I loved her. Wanted her so bad it hurt. But not with that ring on her finger.

  I pulled the sheets over my head, rolled to my side, and wondered how life became so twisted. On my nightstand, my own wedding band reflected the red light from the alarm clock beside it. Emily. She would’ve been sleeping in the bed right now. Me, on the couch. Never allowed to touch her. If I tried to hold her hand, she flinched. She blamed it on her past. I had no doubt. Being raped by your dad when you’re seven years old would mess me up too. But doesn’t there come a time when you need to bury the past? When you stop using it as excuse to curl up in a ball and not live your life? Doesn’t there come a time when the past no longer lives in the present and muddies the future?

  I was tired of mud. So exasperated with it. I flung the covers off, grabbed the ring, opened my window, and flung it out into the winter wonderland. Shivering, I jumped back into bed and smiled. The past one step closer to really, truly, being behind me.

  Heidi’s face appeared again. Bright eyes and wavy hair just past her shoulders. The way she smiled at me. She loved me. I knew she did. If only she’d admit it and let the bricks fall to the ground.

  I wanted to fight for her, albeit tired. But I feared the grenade didn’t exist on my side of the wall. She held it. Firmly. Right there on her left hand ring finger.

  Oh well, I thought as I picked up my phone and texted her.